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AIBU?

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Original poster

If nursery or childminder called to say you need to collect your child

263 replies

kevintheorangecarrot · 03/03/2020 08:15

Due to illness / diarrhoea etc, how long is appropriate for them to wait? My husband and I work 45 minutes away and a while ago it took me over an hour to collect him because there was flooding so I couldn't get the train and had to wait for a taxi. Another time, my husband cannot just up and leave work (long story as to why) so he has to wait til he finishes which is usually in 2 hours or so, then another hour to travel if there's been no delays that is! We have nobody else to collect our child as we've moved to an area where we haven't got any family around. I do feel like it is taking the piss but what else are we supposed to do? We could move nearer to our work but the area is very, very expensive (think London for example) and there's no way we'd be able to afford to buy a house there, let alone a rent.

OP posts:
JanewaysBun · 03/03/2020 11:44

I live in London so expectations are more relaxed.
I work in the City so need 45-60 mins of travelling time yo get back. Maybe 30 mins to hand over what I'm doing to my colleagues (what I do can be quite complicated and urgent so I can't just walk away) sometimes more. I always say to the nursery I'll be there asap but don't be surprised if it's 2 hours.

We have a work nursery too (which I am only allowed to use 1 day a week) and once they call your desk you are on a 60 min countdown to come down (they get really cross if you're later!!)

Can't book a burary closer to work as (a) there aren't any and (b) travelling with a little one at rush hour regularly really isn't possible

My nursery is fine with the above (although it costs over a hundred quid a day so I feel like they need to be hahah)

mrsBtheparker · 03/03/2020 11:52

But your DH is unreasonable not to leave immediately.

So if OH were teaching your child you would be pleased if he simply walked out and left his class? It's not always easy to arrange cover for a class at such short notice, I'm sure other jobs are the same.

Mia1415 · 03/03/2020 11:53

@LettertoHermoine

Because as a parent I made the judgement call that he was well enough to go to school today and he wanted to go to school today.

Yesterday I made the judgement call that he wasn't well enough and he stayed home. Actually he nearly ended up in A&E.

If you really want to know, he has asthma and the school have strict rules around how many times/ how frequently they can give him 10 inhaler puffs. If he needs it more frequently than every 4 hours they will send him home and I think that is what will happen today.

drspouse · 03/03/2020 12:02

Why do people always bring out this old chestnut? Why does it matter what tolls for communication people used 40 years ago? We’re talking about what people do now.

It's totally relevant. The school I was at was in the same legal position as my DCs' schools; they could give permission for treatment in an emergency, and would contact the parent ASAP.
The law hasn't changed.

Why would you send him in knowing he is not well?
Schools often insist; we just had a letter round from DS school asking parents not to keep children off with sniffles. It's not just about keeping attendance levels up, but about instilling a good attendance ethic in children. My DD's school allows children to wear their own clothes and take in cake on their birthday to encourage parents not to keep children out on their birthday.

LettertoHermoine · 03/03/2020 12:06

Ahh Mia, that is a different kettle of fish. Never heard about those rules before. I hope he will be ok today and not get sent home, it must be hard dealing with Asthma like that. I jumped to conclusions there and I shouldn't have. I always get a bee in my bonnet about parents sending vomiting kids in.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 03/03/2020 12:07

If you didn't collect your child at the end of the day, that would be a safeguarding issue and they could call Social Services

pedanticstyleguide the child might be safe, but it's not up to the school to babysit. I don't know if it's a safeguarding issue or not, but they do call social services, they don't look after children overnight waiting for the parents to turn up. They don't wait that long to call either, the staff has family and life to go back to.

LettertoHermoine · 03/03/2020 12:08

@drspouse no I was wondering what you meant when you said

This was kind of the issue with DS former school. They expected us to come and pick him up if they couldn't cope. We worked out this was illegal but also they seemed to be placing conditions on our employment - which is none of their business

What did you mean when the school couldn't cope?

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 03/03/2020 12:08

My DD's school allows children to wear their own clothes and take in cake on their birthday to encourage parents not to keep children out on their birthday.

do parents actually take kids off school just because it's their birthday? Oh my! Grin

drspouse · 03/03/2020 12:17

JustIn

It's really really common.
As are keeping your child off because they say they have a sniffle, keeping them off to help you with your toddler, and keeping them off because you're lonely or can't be bothered to get up and get them to school.

BusterMove · 03/03/2020 12:19

do parents actually take kids off school just because it's their birthday? Oh my!

I had a friend in senior school whose parents let her stay off every birthday "as a treat". Also sibling birthday, parents birthdays...
She had a shocking attendance.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 03/03/2020 12:27

that's quite sad. Primary school kids are so proud to go to school on their birthdays usually!

Mia1415 · 03/03/2020 12:36

@LettertoHermoine

No problem. Sorry if I sounded a bit annoyed in my reply.

Its honestly awful. Between the ages of 9 months and about 5 he would end up in A&E every single time he had a cold. Its generally more controlled now but he still has bad episodes and unfortunately where as I know in the main how to deal with it and when to make the call he needs medical help (and the GP's know this and agree with what I do) the school have to go by their rule book.

LettertoHermoine · 03/03/2020 12:43

Mia, I can't seem to tag you for some reason. That is a nightmare, so you could get a call from the school sating he has used his inhaler more than they can allow so you have to go get him? That is extremely tough on a single parent. Thank you for explaining that to me, it throws a whole new light on this thread for people in your situation.

saraclara · 03/03/2020 12:52

If you didn't collect your child at the end of the day, that would be a safeguarding issue and they could call Social Services

How would that be a safeguarding issue? The child is safe and schools are in loco parentis.

They are only in loco parentis for a certain amount of time. Then social services take over.
There were several occasions at my last school, where SS had to come and take a child to a children's centre because the parent still hadn't been contactable. That was after teachers had looked after them for an hour or so.

ASatisfyingThump · 03/03/2020 12:54

I've had to refuse multiple requests to be an emergency contact for other people's kids - I'm a SAHM and live 10 minutes away from the school, and I'll happily pick up kids after school if their parents are running late or stuck in traffic, but I won't do sick kids, mostly because it's never "I'll get there as quick as I can", it's always "have them for hours until i finish work". No thanks, I don't want someone else's vomiting child in my living room. I already catch everything my own kids get, I'm not adding more illness into the mix.

saraclara · 03/03/2020 12:54

Also when my kids were young, backup was reasonably practical to find. There were still other friends who were SAHMs.

But more than 20 years on, there are far fewer SAHMs, and understandably, they resent being taken advantage of in this way (I imagine they have numerous 'friends' wanting them to be their backup, and offering little in return)

Mia1415 · 03/03/2020 12:55

@lettertoHermoine

Yes, its crazy. When he first started at the school I had a call to say that he'd come to ask for his inhaler again and she'd normally call an ambulance if a child needed it that frequently.

Each time he is discharged from hospital you have to do a 'wind-down' programme from the inhalers. It is properly printed on NHS paperwork and she said that she would reluctantly do it but that next time it needed to be signed by a doctor. He's now been at the school for 3 years and we are working better together but it is a struggle!

I do understand from her perspective that asthma can kill and I would prefer them to be taking it seriously, but its still rather frustrating at times!

(this is in contract to his nursery, where they neglected to give him his inhaler on one occasion as I had requested, and I ended up rushing him to A&E where he was so seriously ill he had to have an intravenous drip put him as they couldn't get it under control even with multiple nebulisers and steroids. They definitely learnt from that mistake! )

pedanticstyleguide · 03/03/2020 12:59

It's totally relevant. The school I was at was in the same legal position as my DCs' schools; they could give permission for treatment in an emergency, and would contact the parent ASAP.
The law hasn't changed

It's relevant because the situation for the school is the same. They have a sick child they need to look after, whether they can't contact me because I don't have a mobile phone, or whether they can't contact me because I am working and my mobile is locked away.

It's no good saying we all have to be contactable 24 hours a day because mobiles exist. Nothing in law says that parents using state or private childcare or educational provision have to have "always on mobile phones". And for very good reason.

pedanticstyleguide · 03/03/2020 13:02

They are only in loco parentis for a certain amount of time. Then social services take over. There were several occasions at my last school, where SS had to come and take a child to a children's centre because the parent still hadn't been contactable. That was after teachers had looked after them for an hour or so

I misread the original post actually - I missed the bit about "end of the day". I totally get that if a parent doesn't collect their child from school at the end of the day it would be a safeguarding situation if you couldn't contact them. But not if it were lunchtime and the school started panicking because the parent didn't pick up the phone after 5 minutes to be told their child was unwell.

pedanticstyleguide · 03/03/2020 13:04

you need to put effort into working on a support network

AAAAGH how many times do people need to be told that you can't ask friends to take a sick child home with them?

LettertoHermoine · 03/03/2020 13:04

Sounds so bloody hard!! I learned a lesson today, thank you for your honesty!

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 03/03/2020 13:12

sadly, many parents seem to confuse "school" and "childcare". Yes, when your child is busy at school, you can do something else. But you do need childcare of sort when they are not at school... whilst you are still at work!

Of course it's difficult and it involves a lot of juggling. But washing your hands off your kids because it's school hours and you are not available is not acceptable. You are still a parent even when they are at school.

Invisimamma · 03/03/2020 13:13

I'd be about an hour away, if I left straightaway. But if I'm in a meeting or at a conference I might not check my phone for a couple of hours, so i wouldn't get the message.

Dp can't leave straightaway, he is a supervisor in a hospital department, the department can't operate without a supervisor on shift, so he'd need to arrange cover, that person would need to travel to the hospital to take over. It could easily be a few hours. He also isn't allowed his phone in the department, it's in his locker and he checks it on his break.

Both sets of grandparents are nearby but they also work fulltime so they probably wouldn't get there any quicker either.

It's only happened once that I've been called to collect an unwell child and nursery were happy enough to keep him until I got there l, I was about 1 hour 20mins.

10FrozenFingers · 03/03/2020 13:16

I'd have got off and turned round but I would definitely have expected school to handle it at the hospital till one of us got there.

Teachers can't abandon classes to escort children to hospital. They hand them over to the ambulance staff. They can't walk off the job any more than you can.

drspouse · 03/03/2020 13:22

So teachers and nursery workers send a four year old to hospital with just the ambulance staff? Rubbish.

No school has a single adult on the premises at any one time. If a child had a life threatening accident and my DC was in the school I'd expect the remaining teachers to cope with more children including my DC.
In fact I expect ratios in my DD school are better than when I was at school and a teacher went with me to hospital.

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