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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws wont help with baby

123 replies

Tarobun · 02/03/2020 17:21

Just wanting to know if this is normal or AIBU.

In-laws are currently staying with us to see their first grandchild (having travelled from overseas). They have been with us for a week now and have barely spent time with DD.
DD is 5 months and I am starting to feel exhausted from looking after her and them especially as DD is not sleeping through the night yet.
They have hardly held her, not offered to give bottles or change diapers - all the things I thought grandparents would like to do?

They do help out with cooking and cleaning. We have been trying to take them around to see the city, although recently I have been more reluctant to go to crowded places with DD due to coronavirus.

In comparison, my parents take DD every other day for a few hours so I can get a nap, wash my hair etc.

AIBU? And any advice on how to approach this or just wait it out.

OP posts:

crispysausagerolls · 02/03/2020 17:23

Just ask them! There are so many posts on here where ILS ONLY help with the baby and don’t help around the house at all - perhaps they read MN and are terrified of being accused of this!

Bert2020 · 02/03/2020 17:23

Have you asked them to help, they may be holding back to not offend you.

Shahlalala · 02/03/2020 17:25

I wouldn’t expect my in-laws to do diapers or bottles... I think that’s a cheeky. I don’t expect (and don’t get!) any help from my relatives either.

If they expect you to wait on them hand and foot if they are there for a couple of weeks, then that’s not on. If they are helping with cleaning and cooking I think YABU.

vodkaredbullgirl · 02/03/2020 17:26

Have you asked them? At least they are helping around the house.

Shahlalala · 02/03/2020 17:26

Actually my sister has my older child to help sometimes, but not diaper duty!

Aderyn19 · 02/03/2020 17:27

How long are they staying? If it's a couple of days, then wait it out and don't invite them to stay again until DD is much older. If it's not a couple of days, then stop trying to look after them - they are grown ups who can entertain themselves and make their own food etc.
If your husband can take some time off then let him do so, to help our and if not, when he comes home from work, let him deal with them and the baby for a bit and go have a bath and do what you need to.
Do you think they lack confidence with the baby or just CBA? Because the answer to that affects how harsh you should be with them.

saraclara · 02/03/2020 17:27

There are so many posts on here where ILS ONLY help with the baby and don’t help around the house at all - perhaps they read MN and are terrified of being accused of this!

That was my first reaction, too!
I think this is the first time I've ever seen the complaint this way round!

I also stood right back when my first grandchild was born, having read SO many threads about GMs expecting to hold the baby. I was actually shocked when my daughter was so ready to plonk the baby in my arms, or to ask me if I wanted to hold her/feed her etc!

MeadowHay · 02/03/2020 17:27

Sorry but I think YABU. You say they are helping with cooking and cleaning! That's great and personally I find that to be the most useful and most important things family can do for you, so you can focus on taking care of the baby. They are being very respectful by not barging in and insisting on taking over your baby's care. There are so many threads on here from people whose in laws expect to be waited on and all they want to do is carry baby around, refusing to return it to their mum even when they clearly need a BF etc. Your in laws are not expecting to be waited on as you say they are chipping in with cooking and cleaning, which is entirely reasonable, so they should be. That leaves you to focus on your child, which will always be difficult and tiring I'm afraid. I absolutely don't think it's the norm for grandparents to have sole charge of a 5 month old every other day just so the parent can nap/shower etc. The vast majority of people don't have anywhere near that level of support. I don't say that to guilt you or anything - it's great that you have that and you should definitely use it and enjoy! But that's certainly not the norm, which is clearly skewing your perspective. Tbh I actually don't think I would have let my parents do that amount of care in those early months even if they had offered because I was very aware that this was my child and my responsibility, they hadn't signed up to nappies etc. Don't get me wrong, I get what I consider to be a lot of support from my DPs and my DM provides one day a week of childcare since I went back to work when my DD was 9m, so they do a lot for me. But they were not providing me with regular childcare like yours before I went back to work and it wasn't necessary for them to do so. I used to shower/nap whilst she was asleep or whilst DH was home or I would put her in her bed or something whilst I showered.

Sirzy · 02/03/2020 17:28

Surely practical help with things like cooking and cleaning is much more useful?

ArthurMorgan · 02/03/2020 17:28

Your parents have your dd every other day?

Your ils aren't being out of order/lazy, you're being spoilt by your parents 😂

Dipi79 · 02/03/2020 17:29

They are helping around the house. Be grateful for small mercies. Or, just grab one of them and ask them if they could help with the baby for a bit.

mynameiscalypso · 02/03/2020 17:29

I'd ask them - I know my parents feel they've changed enough nappies in their lives and don't want to do any more (which is fair enough!). Re feeding, I thought it was generally considered better for the parents/primary care givers to do the feeds. Would they look after the baby while you had a nap? If so, I'd just dump the (changed and fed) baby on them and crack on with it.

PotteringAlong · 02/03/2020 17:29

If your DD is with you and you’re taking them out for the day then actually they’ve spent lots of time with your DD, they just haven’t done the bits you don’t want to do.

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/03/2020 17:29

or change diapers - all the things I thought grandparents would like to do? I can't imagine any grandparent expressing a desire to change a nappy.

PotteringAlong · 02/03/2020 17:30

And your parents having your DD every other day isn’t usual at all. Please don’t use that as your yardstick for normal.

Dashel · 02/03/2020 17:30

Have you asked whether they would like to do give DD a bath/read her a story/take her to feed the ducks etc?

Spied · 02/03/2020 17:31

There's a good chance they are worried about interfering.

user1493413286 · 02/03/2020 17:31

My mums approach has always been to try and help round the house so I can concentrate on looking after the baby as she thinks that’s helpful. I’d rather her look after the baby at times so I can do other stuff so I just ask her.

Scapegoatforlife · 02/03/2020 17:32

Yabu it's your baby. Yours and your partners responsibility and no one elses.

Theyve already raised their children and whilst I appreciate they're visiting to meet your daughter they probably just don't want to be that involved THUS helping in other areas.

ShyTown · 02/03/2020 17:33

Your parents sounds lovely but I don't think that level of childcare is the norm for a lot of families and also your ILs probably don’t want to impose and overstep. You could ask them if they would like to give a bottle. I definitely would not ask them to change nappies. It sounds like they’re being helpful if they’re cooking and cleaning so I really don’t see what the problem is except that their visit is way too long if they’ve been with you for a week and aren’t leaving anytime soon!

Hulabalula · 02/03/2020 17:33

YABVU. They help with cooking and cleaning?! That’s great. Maybe they don’t want to overstep by helping with the baby or maybe they don’t want to? Be grateful for the help you are getting. Some of us get none at all.

endofthelinefinally · 02/03/2020 17:34

At least they are doing something and your parents help. There will be lots of us on here that never got an ounce of help ever, from anyone.

Jojoanna · 02/03/2020 17:39

or change diapers - all the things I thought grandparents would like to do?

Of course grandparents love doing that 🙄

Derbee · 02/03/2020 17:41

YABU

Reginabambina · 02/03/2020 17:43

My MIL was like that. I thought she thought that I didn’t want her or something. Several years down the line it turns out that she just doesn’t like babies.

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