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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws wont help with baby

123 replies

Tarobun · 02/03/2020 17:21

Just wanting to know if this is normal or AIBU.

In-laws are currently staying with us to see their first grandchild (having travelled from overseas). They have been with us for a week now and have barely spent time with DD.
DD is 5 months and I am starting to feel exhausted from looking after her and them especially as DD is not sleeping through the night yet.
They have hardly held her, not offered to give bottles or change diapers - all the things I thought grandparents would like to do?

They do help out with cooking and cleaning. We have been trying to take them around to see the city, although recently I have been more reluctant to go to crowded places with DD due to coronavirus.

In comparison, my parents take DD every other day for a few hours so I can get a nap, wash my hair etc.

AIBU? And any advice on how to approach this or just wait it out.

OP posts:
magicfarawaytrees · 02/03/2020 21:14

Your parents are spoiling you, focus on how much they do for you and realize you are really very lucky. Your in-laws are quite normal

We have 2 very small ones, my husband’s mother is horrendous and lives abroad (thank goodness) and hasn’t and most probably won’t ever meet them even though she has visited our town for well over a week. My parents love them but have done NOTHING practically for them in 2 years- not even watched them for an hour. They buy them clothes and clearly like them though.

Focus on what you do have please.

Barbie222 · 02/03/2020 21:42

I never asked for or expected this kind of thing. I know it's irritating when someone says that, but in my circle I don't know anyone who expects it either. When I'm a grandparent, I'm not sure how much of those kinds of jobs I'd fancy, either. I would have tried to discourage any long stays with my newborn too (although I appreciate they've come a long way) because guests always cause more hassle than they save!

Calamityy · 02/03/2020 22:52

Could they be waiting for you to ask if they want a cuddle? They may find it difficult to ask.

Original poster
Tarobun · 02/03/2020 23:26

Thank you to those that have offered helpful insights and suggestions. I have taken some onboard and will be more direct and ask them.

For those that are calling me spoilt and entitled - i dont think this is true at all, in my culture the family work together to look after the old and young, i was raised by my grandparents as my parents had to work. Now their hard work has paid off and im very lucky that my mum is a stay home mum to my younger siblings and she plays an active role in my childs life because she wants to. Theres nothing wrong with a GM taking her grandchild to a park or the beach every other day!

I recently had a single ovariansectomy and am on meds that make me drowsy, i am also unable to carry DD for long periods due to the this. Whilest i wholeheartedly appreciate the in-laws for stepping up to cook and clean, i would rather they looked after DD - we can always order take out and hire a cleaner imo. Even my husband is surprised that they are so hands off with DD as he always says how similar our cultures are.
They have extended their stay so will be with us another month, I will definitely be more directly with them.

OP posts:
TypingError · 02/03/2020 23:37

And your parents having your DD every other day isn’t usual at all
Pretty UNusual I'd say.

Megan2018 · 02/03/2020 23:39

YABU

Why on earth do you need that much help every day?!

saraclara · 02/03/2020 23:47

Keyhole surgery and them cleaning for you isn't enough? You're going to have to speak to them directly to put them right?

Jesus, they're on holiday. Offer them a hold of the baby in a loving way. Make them feel comfortable doing so, offer it as an enjoyable thing, not as a JOB, ffs.

CantKeepSecrets · 02/03/2020 23:54

YABVVU. How much help do you need? Every other day?! For a nap?!

If you wanna send your in-laws my way they can help out with cooking and cleaning in my house in return for being fanned with palm leaves in the evening.

Rachie1973 · 03/03/2020 00:52

So unreasonable. I have 7 grandchildren and an 8th on the way. If a parents around i hand child back for nappy change. Done my share thanks, not doing it if I don’t have to.

You actually just sound lazy.

The4thSandersonSister · 03/03/2020 01:01

How hands on is your DH.

AgentPrentiss · 03/03/2020 01:25

Why would anyone enjoy changing a nappy?

Your sense of entitlement is astounding.

I can’t believe your mum has your baby every second day! Look after your own kid! You made her!

Zombiemum1946 · 03/03/2020 02:21

They may be holding back because they don't want to come across as taking over. They may think that by doing housework they're giving you the chance to be with dc and not worry about the state of the house. Ask if they would like to feed dc or cuddle so dc can get used to them,explain its important to you that dc has time together with them.

curlsnotfrizz · 03/03/2020 03:13

In comparison, my parents take DD every other day for a few hours so I can get a nap, wash my hair etc.

no, that is quite normal. you have been extremely lucky with the help you receive an this might have skewed your expectations.

and you said they do help with cooking and cleaning. So basically, you have help at the domestic front, parents who take the baby our every day. few hours. not really sure why you are complaining..

Lynda07 · 03/03/2020 03:49

I do hope you recover from your surgery soon, op. That must have been quite an ordeal.

It's good your in laws are doing housework, etc. As others have said, they are probably a bit 'shy' about taking over their grandchild but they will gradually do it.

cobwebfew: If you want a nap just ask them to mind her instead of complaining that they're not offering!

What cobweb said, good idea. Get as much sleep as you can. When mine was the same age as yours, my idea of Heaven was uninterrupted peaceful sleep (forty years later it still is sometimes :-) ). Plus you've had an operation.

I do not grudge you one minute of the help you get, I wish there were more families like yours.

Nanamilly · 03/03/2020 04:05

*I can't imagine any grandparent expressing a desire to change a nappy

I think that in the real world most grandparents get stuck in with the baby and enjoy taking part in their care.

Limpshade · 03/03/2020 04:33

With every kindness intended (you will be feeling fragile after all that), you are already getting quite a bit of support from your own parents and your ILs are also helping with household management. If you read similar threads about ILs staying, usually the complaint is that they are hogging the baby while the mother is running around keeping house. It sounds like your ILs are on a hiding to nothing by allowing you time with the baby while they sort out dinner.

For context, I live outside the UK so get zero family support whatsoever. When family does visit, they are very much of the sit-and-demand-cups-of-tea variety of guests. You, in contrast, sound like you're getting a pretty good deal!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/03/2020 04:33

I would rather they look after DD

Most new mums are rather possessive over their babies, they are v attached to them and generally want to be the main care provider. When my mum visits, she's assumes the most helpful thing she can do it is anything but look after my baby as she knows I want to look after my baby myself.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/03/2020 05:35

OP you haven't mentioned how your DH pulls his weight at all.

If, in your culture, you look after old and young together why are you resenting looking after his older parents or your own baby? 'Together' suggests you pull your weight too.

TheShepherdsCrown · 03/03/2020 05:42

YABVU

IceColdCat · 03/03/2020 06:49

Most new mums are rather possessive over their babies

I think this kind of statement can make new mums feel guilty. There's nothing wrong at all with needing a break from your baby. I adore my DC, but when they were tiny I preferred grandparents to me with the babies (and give me a little break) rather than doing the cleaning.

YANBU OP.

squeekums · 03/03/2020 07:24

Wow, YABVU
I don't know anyone who WANTS to change a nappy. If dd ever has kids, I won't unless babysitting and dd isn't around.
I've done my baby time otherwise. I don't rush to hold them, family or not.
They on holiday, not your live in nanny

PeggySuehadababy · 03/03/2020 07:24

In my culture is normal for grandparents to help with the baby, and nobody I know thinks new parents are being spoilt, entitled or similar. But I must warn you that here grandparents seem to rarely give any help at all or see the grandchildren and be hands on (from what I see on MN or IRL at least) so you will get a lot of criticism. It's a completely different cultural outlook and new parents are mostly left to cope alone.

I think I have an idea where your ILS are from, so I'd just ask for help when you feel pain from surgery etc.. I'm sure they will be happy to help.

PeggySuehadababy · 03/03/2020 07:27

I also think it's unfair telling new mother :"You have already so much help, I had nothing, it's your child etc.." no wonder mental health of new parents is so poor, and lots of new mothers struggle with loneliness. In other countries there may be fewer baby classes, but the support around new parents is so much better, and it should be. And it applies to older people as well, not only babies.

Fluffybutter · 03/03/2020 07:28

Never expected in-laws help with either child , didn’t realise it was even a thing .
And your parents have your baby every other day so you can shower or nap? Wow .. you’re expecting too much of your in-laws

GinDrinker00 · 03/03/2020 07:28

YABU. Your baby, your choice to have one, you look after her. How will you cope when they’re older and don’t constantly get help?