In-laws wont help with baby

[Tarobun]

Just wanting to know if this is normal or AIBU.

In-laws are currently staying with us to see their first grandchild (having travelled from overseas). They have been with us for a week now and have barely spent time with DD.
DD is 5 months and I am starting to feel exhausted from looking after her and them especially as DD is not sleeping through the night yet.
They have hardly held her, not offered to give bottles or change diapers - all the things I thought grandparents would like to do?

They do help out with cooking and cleaning. We have been trying to take them around to see the city, although recently I have been more reluctant to go to crowded places with DD due to coronavirus.

In comparison, my parents take DD every other day for a few hours so I can get a nap, wash my hair etc.

AIBU? And any advice on how to approach this or just wait it out.

Thanks everyone for your insight.
I can see now that it may be a cultural difference and I need to be more openminded as my parents want to be as involved as possible, and many friends from the same ethnicity I have spoken to also have their parents staying with them and looking after baby. I guess I am just used to this.

My husband and family are from a different ethnic background to myself.

Also I should add - the cooking and cleaning help only started after I had surgery a few days ago. I have asked if they could help with baby as I cannot carry her as much due to surgery.

Patience on my end

YABU. She's your baby. It sounds like they're doing great stuff in the house for you. Some people aren't hands-on with babies once they've had their own. They may not want to do the things you seem to think they should want to. They might be quite happy to sit with her but maybe don't feel comfortable enough with you to ask?

The support you're getting from your parents is unusual. While I'm sure it is nice I have to wonder why can't you shower with a 5 month old without your parents taking her?

Good grief!! All I read on here are threads about bloody horrible in-laws who want to spend time with their grandchildren (who do they think they are?) and buy them gifts (the WRONG gifts) and hug them (yuk, wash your filthy hands) and feed them (trying to break mum’s bond of course - sneaky Gma), your in-laws have probably read these threads and are steering clear of anything to do with the baby in case you jump off the deep end and accuse them of being in your face and overwhelming and controlling.

Can’t do right for doing wrong.

Who wants to change nappies anyway? I love playing with people’s babies but nappies and feeds are usually the parents’ domain.

Well they haven’t helped with the baby but helped with cooking and cleaning. I think that is enough. It gives you chance to spend more time with your baby. If they were being slobs and you were looking after them also then I would think you’d need to say something but just let them help more in the house and thank them too. I have in laws and parents that don’t see my son at all and never did anything or babysat apart from in laws once and then they had something to say about my house afterwards.

Just ask them then! Maybe they're worried about overstepping.

The fact they're helping with cooking & cleaning is brilliant but why would they want to change nappies??

My parents lived down the road when our firstborn was a baby & I can count on one hand the number of times we had any sort of help at all!!

Please don't expect your inlaws to change nappies! Most grandparents DO NOT LOVE changing nappies - we've done them loads of times already. But just ask if you want other help. If they are helping with cooking and cleaning then that must be an advantage for you OP?

You do have a lot of help OP. Every other afternoon to yourself and most of the cleaning and cooking sorted? Now if only someone would feed and change the little mite occasionally, you could get back to your book eh? 😉

Poor in-laws can’t win! Honestly, they probably don’t want to overstep with you and as you haven’t asked them, assume you want to do all that stuff yourself.

Sometimes, as a grandparent of a small baby, the joy can be in watching the parents of the grandchild enjoying their baby so much. I don't always need to interact with my grandchildren as it makes me happy seeing their relationship grow, seeing the amazing bonds they are forming and seeing my baby grandchild feeling happy and loved.

Why not.just pop your baby in their lap as you're passing and tell them to enjoy her whilst you cook, or clean, or something.

At least they're helping with cleaning and cooking...my mil has never lifted a finger to help us.

YABU why the heck do so many people feel entitled after they have kids? I'm sorry but they are your children. Your grandparents chose to have you, they didn't then choose to have your kids aswell.

So they can help/not help as much as they want to and shouldn't be judged.

Seems like you're opinion may be skewed because your parents are doing far more than other people would.

YABU and expecting too much!

Your parents are doing way more than is normal, which is probably affecting your perspective.

Could your husband do more? Why can you not shower with him in the house? I actually never understood people needing help to shower. Just put baby in cot and go for a shower. Or have one during nap time.

They're doing the cooking and cleaning, your parents have baby every other day and you've got a DP, but somehow you're exhausted from looking after everyone?

I wouldn't expect nappy changes and bottles. If they're cooking and cleaning that would be way more valuable to me and is surely a lot more work!

So they are cleaning and cooking for you and you still aren’t happy? I’d have thought by 5 months in you are going to know what you are doing and have your own routine going, if I was them I’d not want to dive in and interfere. They are helping where they feel would be most useful, so you don’t have to do it.

If you want them to help with the baby why not ask them to rather than telling mumsnet? Unless they are psychic they aren’t going to know you aren’t happy and want help.

*@toomuchpeppapig thats literally what i was going to write but couldn’t work out how to spell skewed

I had quite enough shit under my fingernails 40 years ago, I’m never doing it again. I would, however, be more than happy to cook and clean. I had no idea that was wrong.

They are helping in the home to allow you time with your own baby!!
You sound a bit ungrateful!!

You are definitely expecting too much. Certainly not the norm in my culture for grandparents visiting to do the actual baby related “work”. Playing with them yes, which can give you a break, and helping out with household tasks like cooking, yes.

If it’s tiring you having them there you need to work out why that is. If you’re preparing meals you wouldn’t have - they should do that. Or their son who is rather attempt from the OP. If it’s that you feel you have to be up at 08:00 after a night with broken sleep to be polite for them - stop!

You’re very lucky to have so much help . It’s not the norm.

So many new parents on here complain about in laws overstepping the mark and trying to take over! If you want help with your baby ask them. It really isn't common to have parents who take dd so that you can do day to day stuff so often so that should not be used as a benchmark. I would expect you to have some sort of routine with your baby by now, for instance if she is clingy why not shower in the evening when your partner is around or just put baby in a bouncer and take them in the bathroom with you! Yabu

No I wouldn’t expect my inlaws to care for my child when visiting, I’d do that. But then I’d also not have my child at my mums for a few hours every second day either. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry, am I reading this right, you mother has your baby every second day, your in-laws cook and clean for you, and now you’ve asked them to also look after your baby?