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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws wont help with baby

123 replies

Tarobun · 02/03/2020 17:21

Just wanting to know if this is normal or AIBU.

In-laws are currently staying with us to see their first grandchild (having travelled from overseas). They have been with us for a week now and have barely spent time with DD.
DD is 5 months and I am starting to feel exhausted from looking after her and them especially as DD is not sleeping through the night yet.
They have hardly held her, not offered to give bottles or change diapers - all the things I thought grandparents would like to do?

They do help out with cooking and cleaning. We have been trying to take them around to see the city, although recently I have been more reluctant to go to crowded places with DD due to coronavirus.

In comparison, my parents take DD every other day for a few hours so I can get a nap, wash my hair etc.

AIBU? And any advice on how to approach this or just wait it out.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 02/03/2020 18:42

Your expectations are ridiculous.

They're already cooking and cleaning but you also want them to look after the baby?

You've been spoilt by your parents who are going way above the norm, but you also seem to 'expect' this.

FYI most parents get no help whatsoever and being up their own children and clean their own house, and at the same time hold down full time jobs.

thaegumathteth · 02/03/2020 18:42

Nice drip feed with the surgery Wink

You get A LOT of help OP and tbh I don't really get how you're that exhausted.

MyDcAreMarvel · 02/03/2020 18:42

Why are you exhausted when you have a husband plus parents who take your baby girl a few hours every other day?

crispysausagerolls · 02/03/2020 18:47

Your latest post has a very ungrateful tone to it! Patience isn’t needed on your end - a bit of appreciation for all the help you receive is!

MashedPotatoBrainz · 02/03/2020 18:48

They probably don't know what to do. If they live overseas I can't imagine they've had to time to know your baby in the way your parents have. My inlaws, also overseas never offered to do things for DS because they felt like guests and didn't want to step on any toes. Ask them to do things for you, they may be waiting for it.

AhNowTed · 02/03/2020 18:50

No it's not your lack of 'patience'.

It's your sense of entitlement which is extreme.

Bluntness100 · 02/03/2020 18:51

They’ve only been there a week. Yet the cleaning for you and cooking for you started a few days ago, after your surgery, what surgery was it exactly?

Enchiladas · 02/03/2020 18:52

Wow you have help from your parents every other day, your ILs cook and clean for you, I think you've just been spoilt and don't know how good you actually have it !

cptartapp · 02/03/2020 19:01

Your parents take your DD every other day!? For a few hours!?!
Jeez, no-one did that me for me. Ever. Or helped with cleaning.
You don't know how lucky you are. Why can't you cope?

Boshmama · 02/03/2020 19:07

Yabu. That's a lot of help from both sides, try and be grateful.

I do understand how hard sleep deprivation is though, my DD isn't sleeping through at almost 16 months.

Brazi103 · 02/03/2020 19:37

What Pottering said.

it really isnt usual/normal to send your 5 month old away every other day. yabvu and a CF too. You change your own baby's diaper!
They are helping with cooking and cleaning so they are helping. You have a very weird view of what gp should be doing.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/03/2020 19:43

YABU, it’s not upto them to be doing the parenting. It’s an awful lot to put on your parents every other day.

With one child and presumably no work it shouldn’t be that exhausting so maybe you need a health check up.

PicaK · 02/03/2020 20:05

Yup definitely a cultural difference at play here. I remember being told how in one person's culture it was the norm for a new mum to be encouraged to be in bed for 2 weeks and just feed the baby and sleep and rest and have meals brought and all the housework done by extended family. I thought it sounded ridiculous... And then I had a baby.
No most of us didn't get time every other day for ourselves to wash and have a bit of me-time. But I'm not going to be nasty of belittle you for that. I would have leaped at it back then.
Be understanding of your inlaws. Because your dil/SIL may one day be angry with you for always wanting to do stuff with your grandchild when the norm for them would be to do cooking/cleaning.

cobwebfew · 02/03/2020 20:12

YABU, they're helping out with the cooking and the cleaning. They're hardly being useless! They might be reluctant to help out with your DD in the fear of stepping on your toes and upsetting you. So many new mums find it difficult when parents/INL's help out so they might think this. If you want a nap just ask them to mind her instead of complaining that they're not offering!

Leaannb · 02/03/2020 20:23

YABU Your entitlement is definitely showing

Ginfordinner · 02/03/2020 20:33

In comparison, my parents take DD every other day for a few hours so I can get a nap, wash my hair etc.

You are very very lucky. Most new parents don’t enjoy this level of support. Being a new parent is tiring. There is no doubt about it, but you have far too much a sense of entitlement. Sorry.

Waveysnail · 02/03/2020 20:36

If I was staying with my dil, I'd be wary about treading on her toes or being overbearing

Tatty101 · 02/03/2020 20:40

Your baby, your responsibility

FinnegansWhiskers · 02/03/2020 20:41

Your parents have your baby every other day. Your in laws help with cooking and cleaning and your in laws are wrong? Wow!! Most parents get on with the child care, cooking and cleaning with no help. What are you complaining about? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Daftodil · 02/03/2020 20:45

Sorry OP, but I think YABU. They will probably be waiting to be invited by you to do whatever you need/want them to do. Cooking and cleaning is really kind of them and they obviously don't want to tread on your toes while you are still in the early stages of parenthood. So many posters on mumsnet where they seemingly have the opposite issue and would love your situation!

If there is something you would like them to do with DC, just ask eg "could you read a book with DC while I do xxx?" Or perhaps you could all go swimming together or to a baby group or something?

They may also feel that your parents are a factor (they have travelled from another country to see you and you disappear every other day for a few hours while baby goes to your parents. How would you feel in their shoes? If your parents are always there, there doesn't seem to be a space for ILs to fill.

And btw, I don't think you'll ever find anyone queueing up to change a baby's bum!

Blueswede · 02/03/2020 20:52

Just want to provide a comparison.
I live ten minutes from my parents by car, I see them twice a week, but I’ve never asked them to babysit my ds (7 months) and I wouldn’t expect them to. When he’s older (over 1) I may ask for a couple hours of an evening occasionally so dh and I can have a quick date night out, but I’ve never expected it. You’re very fortunate they take such a hands on role AND your in-laws help with domestic stuff while they’re there.
I have to say I’ve never agreed with couples who have children then use their parents as free child care. Fair enough if their parents (the babies grandparents) want to but the expectation that they will give up their own lives to provide free childcare doesn’t sit right with me.

Verily1 · 02/03/2020 20:55

I’d assume they don’t want to tread on your toes

IceColdCat · 02/03/2020 21:03

I think YANBU. Of course they don't have to hold the baby, but it would be nice if they wanted you. It's really sad IMO when grandparents don't seem that interested.

gerim · 02/03/2020 21:06

YANBU jes people give her a break! If it was just visitors for a wkd or something thats fine but for weeks at a time they need to be left holding the baby for abit! Help with cleaning etc is great! And im sure welcomed but stop panning to them just treat them like your own parents. (I don't mean that in a cheeky way! Just be as you would be with your family) Hows about you go get your hair done or have a nap or bath n leave them to it for an afternoon. (Yes I did actually say that! Theres nothing wrong with abit of me time!) And theres def nothing wrong with asking them to change a nappy or 6!!! If they say they would rather not do nappies then least you know where you stand. Chances are the more you invite them to do the more they will offer!

crustycrab · 02/03/2020 21:06

You're exhausted but get a break every other day and the ILs are doing the cooking and cleaning?! Wow 🤩

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