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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws wont help with baby

123 replies

Tarobun · 02/03/2020 17:21

Just wanting to know if this is normal or AIBU.

In-laws are currently staying with us to see their first grandchild (having travelled from overseas). They have been with us for a week now and have barely spent time with DD.
DD is 5 months and I am starting to feel exhausted from looking after her and them especially as DD is not sleeping through the night yet.
They have hardly held her, not offered to give bottles or change diapers - all the things I thought grandparents would like to do?

They do help out with cooking and cleaning. We have been trying to take them around to see the city, although recently I have been more reluctant to go to crowded places with DD due to coronavirus.

In comparison, my parents take DD every other day for a few hours so I can get a nap, wash my hair etc.

AIBU? And any advice on how to approach this or just wait it out.

OP posts:

TeachesOfPeaches · 03/03/2020 07:33

Intrigued as to which cultures you're referring to OP?

Ellmau · 03/03/2020 07:38

Nobody actually likes changing nappies, no matter how much they love the baby.

Lynda07 · 03/03/2020 08:07

Ellmau Tue 03-Mar-20 07:38:31
Nobody actually likes changing nappies, no matter how much they love the baby.
....
I don't know about 'like' exactly but if someone enjoys caring for a baby, nappy change will be part of that and it won't bother them. I certainly never minded, it seemed a perfectly natural thing to do.

PeggySuehadababy · 03/03/2020 08:27

@TeachesOfPeaches there are lots of cultures in the world where families live together and older generation help with childcare, just because british culture doesn't see it as a standard it doesn't mean they don't exist. Just start by visiting Southern Europe, you don't have to go to Asia or God knows where.

TeachesOfPeaches · 03/03/2020 08:31

@PeggySuehadababy thanks for the reply OP. Really interesting to learn more about your culture.

Firecracker2019 · 03/03/2020 08:39

I would appreciate what you have OP. A couple of hours childcare every other day from your own parents and in laws to cook and clean etc is far from insignificant. In laws are helping in their own way. No harm in encouraging them to help more directly with the baby. Often the husband's parents don't feel as though they are as welcome to as the wife's and might need it clarifying for them that it's ok.

PeggySuehadababy · 03/03/2020 08:41

@TeachesOfPeaches I'm not the OP. I'm from Southern Italy and grew up with my parents and grandparents in the same house like many other of my friends. Just because it's not the norm here, it doesn't mean we make it up.

PeggySuehadababy · 03/03/2020 08:42

What a narrow vision of the world :"You must be making it up beacuse in England is different"

Firecracker2019 · 03/03/2020 08:42

Limpshade 👏

And yes, so often (M)ILs get slated for interfering with the baby so hard to know what to do for the best in their shoes.

I guess I was lucky. Both sets of grandparents (when alive - one died when eldest was 3 - and when there, as the others lived hours away) did change nappies.

Hugtheduggee · 03/03/2020 09:05

Wow. You have a huge sense of entitlement.

And I say that as someone whose parents are very involved with my children, and do childcare every week so that I can work. And yes, they will take them for an occasional sleepover, or for an extra day or half a day if I'm I'll or on my knees with exhaustion, but not every other day just so I can have some 'me time'. Like 99% of mums, I either don't nap or sneak one in during their nap (harder now I have two). For showers I either wait until they are napping my husband is around, or I plonk them on the bathroom floor with toys. And shockingly clean, and cook, and am up with baby in the night (and work part time). Given the amount of time you have to yourself, and you don't even have to do the cooking and cleaning right now, I'm wondering what are you doing?

It might be nicer if they were more hands on with your baby, but that would mean you doing your own cooking and cleaning (shocking eh... And yes I get you had surgery, but if you can go out and about you can clearly do chores).

TeachesOfPeaches · 03/03/2020 09:22

@PeggySuehadababy Thanks again for answering my question OP

PeggySuehadababy · 03/03/2020 09:42

@TeachesOfPeaches, again, not the OP here, I've been on MN for longer

Isthistrueor · 03/03/2020 10:08

They’re helping with cooking and cleaning so I’d say YABU to also expect them to help with the baby.

My MIL and then teenage BIL flew over to stay with us for a fortnight when DC2 was 3 weeks old. I was still recovering from a traumatic birth and their arrival was not really wanted tbh. They didn’t lift a finger around the house, didn’t even offer to make a cup of tea. MIL expected to be waited on hand and foot tbh, she sat around like Lady Muck for two weeks. Luckily H had the time off work, there’s no way I’d have run around after them like he did.

Anyway, when they left MIL emailed my H to complain that I hadn’t done enough around the house and she was shocked by how much H did . Total bellend.

Your IL’s are actually helping so I wouldn’t complain.

GrolliffetheDragon · 03/03/2020 11:14

Theyve already raised their children and whilst I appreciate they're visiting to meet your daughter they probably just don't want to be that involved THUS helping in other areas.

Is, for example, cuddling a baby for half an hour so the mum can have a shower really a big ask? I wouldn't have asked my in-laws to change nappies - though my DPs did, without being asked - but in real life don't people help each other out? My SIL asked me to watch her three DC for half an hour when I was visiting, it was fine, I usually muck in anyway. If you're staying with someone with a new baby surely you offer to help.

mrsBtheparker · 03/03/2020 11:20

You seem to expect a lot of free help with one child! Maybe your inlaws have read about 'little families' and the need to have your child with you all day and night, they're not wantiong to be accused of interfering. If they're doing other stuff around the house maybe you could be a bit more grateful for that help.

melodypondisasuperhero · 03/03/2020 11:36

When my dad was visiting and my son was about one he was very happy to take him to the park for an hour or two in the mornings so I could have a rest - absolute godsend - but he wouldn’t go until my son had had a poo so I could change his nappy. 😂 Didn’t bother me, he’d done his fair share changing me already.

Leaannb · 03/03/2020 12:00

@GrolliffetheDragon the in laws are helping out by doing all the cooking and cleaning. Her parents are taking the 5th month every other day. Op is taking the piss

Devlesko · 03/03/2020 12:09

I don't understand your problem tbh.
You have what most people don't have, your parents childminding fro free every other day, and ils who visit and help with cooking.
I wish I'd have had your problems.
It is exhausting having a baby, does the father not do his share?
I don't understand what more you want tbh, you sound like you think ils owe you something. Weird.

auslass · 03/03/2020 12:20

They might not know you want that type of help
OP. Just ask, see what they say. Looks like they're helping in other ways though?

Flutteringsatlast · 03/03/2020 12:26

Hell no way could I have expected help from my df.
He thought baby's didn't open their eyes for a few weeks.
Mm no df that's kittens..

Dm did do ironing and make cups of tea. She wasn't really into babies.
I was an accident - that she never let up about..
Ils lived 3 streets away when I had 4 under 7.
Never once called round..
Yabu a total diva op.

Nonnymum · 03/03/2020 12:33

I think you are being very unreasonable she's your baby and your responsibility. It sounds as though your in laws are helping a lot around the house. Perhaps they don't want to intrude.

beethebee · 03/03/2020 12:50

I'm totally astonished at the amount of help you expect, OP. As everyone else has pointed out, this is really not usual.

Of course little babies are pretty hard work, you must have been aware of this before you had one, but it's your (and your DPs) responsibility, nobody else's!

It's normal to be tired when you have a baby to look after. And 99% of people do not get every other afternoon off .

mauvaisereputation · 03/03/2020 12:57

Going against the grain, I think it's crazy for anyone, ILs or not, to go and stay with a new mum who has just had surgery and who has made the effort to take them out on trips in the local area and NOT offer to take the baby for a couple of hours to give her a rest. Surely you have to have been raised by wolves not to make that offer? The fact that they are doing some cooking (food that they are also eating!) doesn't make up for that. I feel bad for some of the people posting on this thread that they don't offer/receive that kind of basic kindness in their day to day lives.

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