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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by my parent’s constant platitudes

117 replies

Flythedragons · 02/03/2020 14:45

I have a good relationship with my parents generally. But find their constant platitudes really annoying. Am I the only one?

I often don’t tell them about something that happens because I find it so annoying. It’s a constant stream of ‘oh well, never mind’ , ‘oh well, we’ve all been there’ or ‘ such is life’

We’ve had a particularly hard weekend, without giving details this has involved the police and an emergency hospital visit. My Dad’s response ‘oh well, we’ve all been there’.

Does anybody else find this annoying? I don’t need support from them or to talk about it for hours, but I’m quite sure we haven’t all been there!

OP posts:
GinDrinker00 · 02/03/2020 14:47

I’d find that very annoying. Even if you don’t want their support they could at least try and be interested.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 02/03/2020 14:47

Its only a phrase, there is no harm in it. The other one would be " Oh for goodness sake dont make such a fuss

ihatethecold · 02/03/2020 14:56

sounds very dismissive op.
my parents are not interested in me, my life or my kids and it does upset/annoy me at times so i've stopped bothering.

CookieDoughKid · 02/03/2020 14:58

Sounds like your parents just not interested.

CookieDoughKid · 02/03/2020 14:59

I don’t tell anything to my parents or in-laws. They really know nothing about my daily life what I do, my thoughts and ambitions. It works both ways though.

Flutteringsatlast · 02/03/2020 14:59

Memorise and repeat back to them... One day they will be moaning to you...

islandislandisland · 02/03/2020 15:00

Yes, my mum often does this, minimises or dismisses my worries or bad things that have happened to me- I think it's because she gets very anxious and can't cope with the acceptance my life isn't always a smooth ride/it makes her worry more.

Doobigetta · 02/03/2020 15:02

They’re clearly bored of listening to you moaning. I do exactly the same. Just means I’m not listening. Often I do it deliberately to see just how lacking in self-awareness the moaner is.

Unusualsuspicion · 02/03/2020 15:09

I hear you. My mum would love to hear my problems, so she's definitely not tired of hearing me moaning, but I rarely bother because if I do ever confide in her she gives me boilerplate platitudes and meaningless advice that leave me feeling completely unheard. Her favourite if I'm ever out of sorts is 'you need to go to the doctor and get that sorted out.' Right, because I'm sure the doctor will totally have a magic cure for my cold and sore throat. I think island is spot on with "she gets very anxious and can't cope with the acceptance my life isn't always a smooth ride".

AutumnCrow · 02/03/2020 15:10

Context is everything. I'm probably like this with one of DP's relatives because they were calling an ambulance on a regular basis for most of their children's ailments.

If someone else told me they were carted off to hospital in an ambulance, I'd probably engage more.

Pumpkinpie1 · 02/03/2020 15:10

I’m not sure what you’d prefer? The wringing of hands , panicking? People cope with news in different ways and it sounds to me as if they don’t like to add stress to already difficult situations for you and this is their way. My gran was full of pearls of wisdom which added distraction and humour to the darkest situation.
I do hope the difficulties you have experienced do get better for you

CatMuffin · 02/03/2020 15:14

It sounds annoying. My parents are terrible drama llamas. They fly into a panic about everything. I think I'd be more sumpathetic if they'd been good parents but they really weren't. My mother was vindictive. Both extremes are annoying

BabyWenger · 02/03/2020 15:15

My mum is like this, but responds to whatever is going on in my life with "Oh yes, when I had physical ailment/operation it was terrible because...blah blah blah" and turns the convo around to herself and why it was so much worse when it happened to her.

notanotherjigsawpiece · 02/03/2020 15:16

My DH is the same. It’s not that he doesn’t care, but when I have something causing me stress he’ll say something like “Stop worrying it’ll be fine,” even when it may not be fine, such as when I’m waiting for a mammogram result or potentially being sued by a client. I find such platitudes meaningless and irritating.

Socksey · 02/03/2020 15:18

My mum just tells me that it was worse/harder for her and that I have it easy in comparison... Angry
I get really fed up of it... and sometimes just wish she could acknowledge that things are different and just be supportive etc...

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 02/03/2020 15:29

My mother is far too busy talking about the minutiae of the lives of my brother's children to have much interest in what's going on here...

contactusdeletus · 02/03/2020 15:33

YANBU. I have a sister who I love dearly, but she doesn't really seem to know how to respond when I come to her upset or angry about something.

If someone has treated me badly, for instance, her response is invariably some flavour of "you shouldn't let it get to you". I know she doesn't mean to sound dismissive or as if it's oversensitive of me to be upset at all, but that's often how I end up feeling anyway.

It's not as if I want a big production of "oh you poor thing" or anything. All I really want is to feel she's actually listening to me. That I can put my feelings out there and have them respected for what they are. For her to say "I'm sorry that happened" or "that sounds terrible", and to know she means it.

The thing is, over the years I've learned her impatience isn't directed at me. She's frustrated she can't come up with a "solution" on the spot, so she tries (in her mind) to encourage me to buck up and move on from it. She just doesn't realise that that's not what's required of her in the moment.

Your parents are probably coming from a similar place. These platitudes are probably an awkward way of telling you "I know how you feel" or "please don't sink under the weight of this". They're just coming across all wrong.

That, or they're of an anxious disposition and try to underplay any emergencies so they won't panic about them. I have a friend whose response to illness or injury is always to insist you're fine and it's not that big a deal. She is then shocked when someone vomits in front of her / needs surgery / turns out to have a broken bone etc. I've had to resist the urge to snap at her quite a few times - because, obviously, you know your own body and this attitude feels belittling.

I can't really offer any advice. You have my sympathies though

cliodh · 02/03/2020 15:35

That does sound really annoying, and an incident with police/hospital doesn't count as a "oh well we've all been there" situation in my book! Hope you're ok.

dustibooks · 02/03/2020 15:40

My parents' favourites were:

"What a pity. Never mind."
"Oh well, worse things happen at sea."
"Least said, soonest mended."
"You just need to turn the other cheek."

Stereomum · 02/03/2020 15:43

Very annoying, my in laws are terrible for behaving like this. So much so we very rarely say anything about difficult situations we have to deal with.

dustibooks · 02/03/2020 15:44

Oh, and SIL's is:

"Aaaaaaaaanyway............. let's all be jolly and talk happily and brightly and determinedly about some other random trivia to divert all attention away from the bad thing that happened to you and onto something else "

Finallyatooth · 02/03/2020 15:46

I've observed this with a few sets of elderly parents - it seems to be an age related thing that some people go through. It's like they can't show any real interest in anything outside of themselves anymore. So they can't really show any sympathy because they don't really feel any.

It doesn't happen to all older people as I know some who aren't like this at all.

Not very helpful to you I'm afraid. But you are not alone.

Babybel90 · 02/03/2020 15:48

My parents do this too, I remember when I was at school and told them I was being bullied and it’s was all “there there, never mind” and “don’t let it get to you” and I found out years later that they hadn’t believed me and had thought I was making it up. I try to avoid telling them anything now because they’re worse than useless.

itsabitofamess · 02/03/2020 15:52

My husbands parents are like this. Sound bites of sympathy that are fuck all help to the reality of your situation. Just be glad you have picked up on it.

poppymatilda · 02/03/2020 15:53

My mum does this. Usually because when she's on the phone she carries on watching tv so she's not really listening. She's not really interested in our lives. Which is fine until it gets to easter or something and she bleats on and on about how everyone else is with their families and she has nowhere to go