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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by my parent’s constant platitudes

117 replies

Flythedragons · 02/03/2020 14:45

I have a good relationship with my parents generally. But find their constant platitudes really annoying. Am I the only one?

I often don’t tell them about something that happens because I find it so annoying. It’s a constant stream of ‘oh well, never mind’ , ‘oh well, we’ve all been there’ or ‘ such is life’

We’ve had a particularly hard weekend, without giving details this has involved the police and an emergency hospital visit. My Dad’s response ‘oh well, we’ve all been there’.

Does anybody else find this annoying? I don’t need support from them or to talk about it for hours, but I’m quite sure we haven’t all been there!

OP posts:
Idreamofpizza · 02/03/2020 15:54

If I ever tried to tell my mum I was having any kind of difficulties she would always interrupt to tell me how she had seen someone at M&S with a disabled child that week and to remind me that as my child isn't disabled I really have nothing to complain about. Ever. It means that my mum isn't someone I go to or talk to when things aren't great and it also means that all our conversations are now made up of meaningless polite chit chat.

FrenchBoule · 02/03/2020 15:54

Yes.
Full of compassion for the world and their dog, all I hear is “ there’s so many poor people out there” and “ the other people have it worse”.
Funnily enough when I trotted out the same line when they were moaning about something they were shocked by my lack of sympathy and understanding.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/03/2020 16:01

I agree that older people are often guilty of this. I wonder whether it's because they simply can't cope with problems, they may be worn out or just tired of dealing with them?!

Or just crap at being there for other people? Anyway, if that's the way they are, I doubt you can change them. My IL's are hopeless in a crisis, they tend to avoid you when there's an issue. It's shit, but that's the way they are.

Good lesson for us to be more supportive, I suppose.

Mary46 · 02/03/2020 16:01

Hi op sorry you going through this. My mam quite self absorbed so if you say x happened this week she starts wait til u hear about my week. Draining behaviour.

bobbypinseverywhere · 02/03/2020 16:06

My FIL is a bit like this. It irritates the hell out of me but I hadn’t really been able to put my finger on why.

Every response is “oh well.” Or “that’s ok then”, with no follow up questions or enquiries. I think what PP said is true- it’s like he has no interest outside of his own small world/ his self. I wouldn’t mind so much only he constantly bleats on about his own minor health issues eg blocked hearing aids.

A recent one was when we told him we were finally pregnant after a few years of infertility (and him badgering is for a grandchild) he barely acknowledged it and straight away started to talk about his glasses prescription. To be honest I’ve completed lost any interest in having any kind of relationship with him because of it so I do understand how annoying it can be.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 02/03/2020 16:07

Here's a platitude for you, OP: but you'll miss them when they're gone! Grin

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/03/2020 16:11

A recent one was when we told him we were finally pregnant after a few years of infertility (and him badgering is for a grandchild) he barely acknowledged it and straight away started to talk about his glasses prescription.

@bobbypinseverywhere

That's unbelievable, takes self-absorption to a whole new level. Mind you, i spoke to my Dad last night and he didn't ask a single question about us, all about them. Grin Congratulations on your wonderful news!

AudTheDeepMinded · 02/03/2020 16:12

There are worse things. If I moan about anything, especially the kids, my Mum has a way of making out it's the way I do things and how I parent and the DGC never misbehave for her because she does it all so well. I rather the platitudes tbh.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/03/2020 16:16

I’m not sure that it’s indifference if you generally have a good relationship with them. It sounds more like they’re overwhelmed at the thought that they cannot fix your issue. They are probably using these platitudes to self soothe rather than connecting with you because to do so would cause them too much turmoil. If it is the case, it therefore isn’t personal or against you. In any case, it appears these these sage words are useful to them and they presume they are for you too.

fruitbrewhaha · 02/03/2020 16:18

I think next time they try to tell you about something do it right back at them.

"They haven't collected the bins today"
"oh, doesn't matter"

"Your dad's hurt his back again"
"Oh well"

"the cars got a problem"
"you'll cope"

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/03/2020 16:18

Posted too soon. My mother is an elevernife. If I say anything about my ailments / struggles, she has to talk about herself and how she had what I have but worse 40 years ago or currently. I have learnt to divulge little and am berated for that too.

doingmeheadin · 02/03/2020 16:19

I hear you, and it is so irritating /demoralising. I was relaying a few things to my parents this weekend about my SN child and the difficulties we are having and they were just like, oh well never mind/it'll pass etc. It's so enraging, a bit of empathy with the situation and reassurance (or, god forbid, a hug!) wouldn't go amiss. I'm not expecting them to fix anything but a listening ear is surely not too much to ask.

EthelMayFergus · 02/03/2020 16:24

My dad tuts and shakes his head. He's a man of few words generally, but I'm never sure if the response is for me, or the person that's caused my upset. I still tell him stuff though, last time (about someone breaking my wing mirror) he said 'Did they?' and looked overly surprised. I think he was being sarcastic now.
I wonder if parents of adults just want to hear the good stuff and none of the problems?

opticaldelusion · 02/03/2020 16:28

How old are they? I think they lose the higher functioning bit of their brains and just trot out shit after a while.

Nowayorhighway · 02/03/2020 16:29

@BabyWenger my Dad is like that too. Every thing you tell him, he manages to twist back into a conversation about him. Some people are exhausting.

Thinkingabout1t · 02/03/2020 16:34

I'd give anything to hear my Dad say "Cheer up, it may never happen" or Mum say "You'll get over it, you don't let these things get you down" again.

As someone said above, you'll be sorry when they're gone.

PelicanPie · 02/03/2020 16:35

I'm afraid many parents are like this. They just don't know how to respond appropriately. I have experienced this so many times myself that I just don't bother telling my mother anything anymore.

ThePolishWombat · 02/03/2020 16:40

YANBU.
My mum in particular is the same. I’ve had a really difficult couple of months, flying solo for most of it as DH has been working away a lot. I feel like I can’t ring my mum and just have a whinge because she has nothing helpful to say. I get the same “I know, I’ve been there”, or “You chose to have 3 kids” Hmm
Cheers mum. Real helpful. I feel so much better now Hmm

ThePlantsitter · 02/03/2020 16:47

My mum says 'never mind.' I think it's because she hates me being upset.

Once I said 'But I do mind!' and she seemed to know what I meant and said 'Oh I know, it's rubbish, sorry' (or something) and gave me a hug. That felt better than 'never mind'.

lilgreen · 02/03/2020 16:52

I wonder how many of you that are complaining about your parents, have adult children. If you do, how do you respond to their woes?

Delicatelyscentedflavour · 02/03/2020 16:52

We would all be better off without parents.

At 42 you turn into your parents.

lilgreen · 02/03/2020 16:53

@ThePolishWombat I think it’s because their generation couldn’t go to their parents because they probably had it a lot harder. I always felt bad complaining to my DM because she didn’t have half the luxuries I have at my disposal.

Jaggypinecone · 02/03/2020 16:57

I wouldn't just put it down to them being older, my mother hasn't had much interest in my life ever. This has only gotten worse with age.

It's self absorbed and rude and I don't care if that sounds mean. It's annoying for you because you then wonder how bad does it get for them to care. It makes you feel invalidated, that your feelings don't matter. Even if they can't offer constructive advise it would be better if they could empathise.

It's as if they have done their raising of you and don't want troubled by any more life issues but as fellow human beings they could still by sympathetic.

Can't offer any advise but sorry you've had a hard weekend. Life can be a bit shite sometimes and when we're looking to recharge it can be infuriating when the expected sources just don't step up to the mark.

Floribundance · 02/03/2020 17:02

It’s annoying. I would probably try to come up with the most unlikely scenarios possible just to see what they’d say. “So, I told DH to just put the Vaseline away as it wasn’t helping and the chicken was still stuck firm..”

lowlandLucky · 02/03/2020 17:03

Maybe you moan or make a drama about every little thing and they are sick of listening to it or maybe they are just trying to tell you that some people have it much much worse than you