To be annoyed by my parent’s constant platitudes

[Flythedragons]

I have a good relationship with my parents generally. But find their constant platitudes really annoying. Am I the only one?

I often don’t tell them about something that happens because I find it so annoying. It’s a constant stream of ‘oh well, never mind’ , ‘oh well, we’ve all been there’ or ‘ such is life’

We’ve had a particularly hard weekend, without giving details this has involved the police and an emergency hospital visit. My Dad’s response ‘oh well, we’ve all been there’.

Does anybody else find this annoying? I don’t need support from them or to talk about it for hours, but I’m quite sure we haven’t all been there!

Sorry you’re going through a shit time OP. Sometimes you just need those that are meant to be close to you, to just listen, not dismiss or minimise.

My mum was just the same, very dismissive when anything was happening to me, trotting our all the lines you mention. Funnily enough, when anything, even minor went wrong in her life, it was like the end of the work and she expected the work to stop. 🙄

Even if they have ‘been there’, they’re not going through it right now, I’m sure they were pretty stressed at the time they were going through it, if they had gone through it. It makes a hard time even harder and causes a lot of resentment.

I hope everything works out for you.

• World not work

I have v LC with M - I would tell her about DS needing more surgery & she would sigh & say "ooooh I think we really getting rain this weekend". It's fucking rude, patronising & dismissive.

I got a shock once from a lamp. I screamed out in shock. No one came. Iwent to find my mum to tell her I got a shock. "Oh they give shocks to people with rheumatism all the time. Hmm. I doubt that.

Anyway, thank goodness it didn't happen to my brother. She would have raced up the stairs....

OP, I hear you. My mother is also a platitude addict. In her case, she simply isn't able to just acknowledge that something terrible has happened, and be sympathetic and listen, she has to try to tidy it up verbally.

I remember when a friend of mine was in end-of-life care an aggressive cancer in her 40s and I was visiting her regularly in a hospice, my mother would invariably ask how she was and when I would say 'As you'd expect -- still dying', she'd say things like 'Well, you never know!' or 'Sometimes they're wrong!' She just couldn't acknowledge that something unfair and inevitable was happening. '

I was telling somebody something recently (after they asked). Not complaining (I’m not a moaner I promise ) This lady just looked at me and said ‘well that’s a bit shit’. That was it, all she said, I thought it was great! Just an acknowledgement that it’s a bit shit! She made me laugh. It wasnt dreadful stuff, nobody had died, but it was a bit shit.

Thank you to everybody who has replied. I am fine, it was a difficult situation that has now settled. A friend in an awful situation who needed us over the weekend.

Onwards and upwards

I agree - my least favourite is 'well at least it's over now' - which basically means shut up and stop moaning.

I think it is a combo of not knowing how to respond to other people's issues and the anxiety of wanting your life to run a smooth course as PP have said.

My mum is a pain for this. She both wants to know all the details about my life but when things are going not so well and I could do with some mature advice, insight or just support, it is all 'well, at least you're alright!'. This when I was off work for 6 months after a breakdown. I didn't hear from my dad once in that time.

Maybe it's generational stiff upper lip stuff, this not knowing how to express an emotional response.

I noticed this with my Mom then one day it hit me; she’s been through it all already. It’s not her problem and she doesn’t need the should all of my emotional grief.

It’s not a lack of interest, but we call and dump all of our emotional crap on them and what are they supposed to say exactly?

We are grown ass people who can handle our own problems. I don’t think they care to relive it all, or try to solve it for us. I also complain bitterly when she tries to give me solutions.

Most animals run their children off the moment they are able to take care of themselves a bit.

What I do now is say “I’m ok but just need to vent and talk this out.” Then I get a response that’s more like what a friend would give.

I think my favorite from my sister is always "Welcome to my world".

She has no kids, she has a government job that is so secure it's not even funny, and half the time she has no idea what's going on. Some people are just like that I guess.

This is so irritating OP. I wonder why people bother saying anything at all if that’s all they can manage. It’s lazy and dismissive and utterly pointless. I think a lot of people resort to saying stuff like that because they have no imagination/emotional intelligence/empathy. My most hated platitude is when someone is crying for whatever reason and someone else goes “oh don’t get upset”. Great, ok, I’ll try that?! Really winds me up.

It’s not a lack of interest, but we call and dump all of our emotional crap on them and what are they supposed to say exactly?

We are grown ass people who can handle our own problems. I don’t think they care to relive it all, or try to solve it for us.

I can only speak for myself, but I have never dumped any 'emotional crap' on either parent, for the excellent reason that I am considerably better at dealing with it than they are. My parents left school at 13, have barely left their home town, are both retiring, shy people who don't really have much to do with the world outside their own four walls -- why on earth would I think that they have the slightest capacity to understand dealing with the erosion of women's rights via the 'trans wars' in a university job, or my horrendous issues with my publisher.

But there's no excuse for what happened when I phoned them some years ago during a complicated pregnancy during which it had looked as though DS had a significant chromosomal disorder so I had a lot of extra scans etc I got the all-clear and phoned my parents, bubbling over with relief. I got my dad. I don't think he even let me finish my sentence before he started telling me about a problem with a radio transmitter he'd dealt with that day (he's a radio ham). He talked about it for ten minutes' without stopping I was standing next to my kitchen clock and timed him because I was so gobsmacked.

In his mind, I'd solved my 'problem' and now it was his turn to tell me how he'd solved his.

There's very little you can do with emotional illiteracy.

I think you're right, Berroca it's a lack of emotional literacy, my father was exactly the same.

I gave up telling DAunt anything about our lives as any issue we haf was immediately turned round to her and how she'd had it FAR worse. Now i get told off for not telling them anything. Don't care

Ha yes my mil is like this, which took me years to puzzle over and finally accept it's just who she is! My family are very much the opposite and although they are (me included) can get overly sad/outraged on my behalf, I found it extraordinary that my mil would react so...mildly if I told her anything sad or horrible. My dh just responds 'fine' if she asks how we all are, and I've worked out that's the response she wants, she's a born worrier and can't cope with anything other than us all being FINE. I do occasionally tell her honestly how things are, when something has happened, last week I made a point of telling her how upset dh had been over the death of a colleague, he would never have told her.

@BeroccaFiend

But that’s exactly what I’m saying. He likely couldn’t handle the initial emotional worry of knowing. So once it was resolved, no surprise he didn’t want to ruminate on it.

Do you truly think that people who lead simpler lives than you live and have occupations you clearly consider beneath you never have any really difficult problems or fears in their lives? That’s truly condescending.

Your parents may have married young, not worked in fancy university roles nor had a publisher. That doesn’t mean they didn’t have life experiences that were difficult and that as older people they should retain the emotional energy to also deal perfectly with your own problems and fears.

I think they’re probably just trying to buoy you up. If they respond with “oh, that terrible - how awful” would that really make you feel better?

My dh is like this and it is annoying sometimes when you just want to have a moan - I get it. But, it’s actually really rubbed off on me and I’ve realised it’s just about trying to turn negative into a positive and not dwell on things or blow them up too much. Because What good does that do?

I think it's a way of saying "I do care, but not that much.'

As some people get older, they lose interest in anything that doesn't directly concern them.

I intend to stay interested in my own children, and offer more than a few cliche-ridden platitudes if they are struggling. I hope I don't descend into a similar egocentric mindset.

As a parent, I think we have all made similar comments. I think we worry so much about our children that we find it very difficult when they have issues. I know I always instinctively want to try to fix their problems for the, even though I know I can’t. I also am aware that I sometimes need them to reassure me that they are ok.

None of these reactions are good, btw. However I think it is worth trying to understand where they originate.

The thing is once you get to a certain age you know that you will either get over things or you will be dead, and if that’s the case you won’t be worried about anything!

There’s also the worry that if you keep saying that’s terrible/awful then the person telling you will feel even more upset.

I have adult children - both married with families. I would never brush off or minimise things that bothered them or when they’re going through bad times. My parents were totally unable to deal with the emotional side of parenting (well actually, make that any side of parenting really) and I still remember what it’s like to be sad, angry, bullied and not heard . It’s a horribly isolating feeling and I don’t want my children at any age to think I’d be all “Oh well it’s all part of life’s rich pattern eh”, or “Well I got through it and so will you.”

It feels like some sort of shadenfreude - almost like So now you know how we felt’ at times. At other times it feels as if there’s just no sense of wanting or needing to empathise or just listen and be kind.

I agree with pp saying do it back to them! I’d live to know how they react.

OTOH, DD often tells me her latest drama and its the worst thing ever and no one has ever experienced the same, and quite frankly i am a little dismissive unless it really warrants a big reaction because it generally is something lots of people have gone through and she needs to build up on her resistance and realise that it simply is life.

To be fair to the OP I wouldn’t react that way for a police involvement and hospital visit, and I HAVE experienced that too, when i went out at 1AM to collect the victims and provided hours of emotional support for months after.

So on that basis, lets not generalise, but i agree you aren’t being unreasonable to expect some support when it genuinely warrants it.

My so called family are like this. Literally over the worst news. Redundancy, divorce, bankruptcy, cancer, severe car accident. Child seriously Ill in hospital. Not arsed in the slightest and everything immediately dismissed.
Yet I have to listen no end about the horrors of a cousin who was alone at Christmas (as in alone with his parents, sister, nan, and nephew) because he cheated on his wife.She had the kids xmas day. They were very worried about him getting depressed over Christmas apparently. Not arsed at their dying brother in hospital! When my dad died tho.

My Mum in particular can be like this with good or bad news. I remember one conversation ‘ Mum, I have just had a huge promotion, you know the one I’ve worked years for’ ‘well I’ve painted the kitchen today’