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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed by my parent’s constant platitudes

117 replies

Flythedragons · 02/03/2020 14:45

I have a good relationship with my parents generally. But find their constant platitudes really annoying. Am I the only one?

I often don’t tell them about something that happens because I find it so annoying. It’s a constant stream of ‘oh well, never mind’ , ‘oh well, we’ve all been there’ or ‘ such is life’

We’ve had a particularly hard weekend, without giving details this has involved the police and an emergency hospital visit. My Dad’s response ‘oh well, we’ve all been there’.

Does anybody else find this annoying? I don’t need support from them or to talk about it for hours, but I’m quite sure we haven’t all been there!

OP posts:

Jaggypinecone · 03/03/2020 08:41

I think that for many though, it’s not just about an Inability to listen to bad news, it’s an inability to engage with any news. That’s what’s so difficult. My mother never asks anything meaningful about my life and never has. If I’ve been on holiday be it a trip to the caravan (which she can relate to) or a trip to a far flung place, her conversation will be “oh is that you back, did you have a nice time, wait til I tell you this’ and she’ll then launch into the minutiae of her trip to the optician. On the most basic human level it’s one-sided and rude. If it was someone you met in the street you’d engage once then walk on, hoping you’d never see them again but because it’s parents we have a moral obligation thus a guilt trip.

Not all parents are like this though. My Dad was always interested in me, the wider world about him and we’d have great conversations. My mother cannot emotionally engage in a conversation, not just with me, but with anyone. It’s very draining when weekly visits are one way tales of not much

balonzz · 03/03/2020 08:46

My mum is exactly the same as yours @jaggypinecone, and in the end, don't you find that you just don't bother hoping to have a real conversation?

My unkind dad was even worse but that's for another day.

Tellmetruth4 · 03/03/2020 09:15

My mum is like this and I find it frustrating as well as rude. I was telling her about the birth of DD1, where we both almost died. Her response was ‘well it could’ve been worse and we should thank God’. That was it. It was so generic and impersonal that it felt like she wasn’t even listening. Her response to any issues I have is always ‘you should thank God, it could’ve been worse’. I don’t really tell her anything anymore as it really pisses me off.

Original poster

Flythedragons · 03/03/2020 09:33

Cultkid, you’re absolutely right. It does make you feel that your feelings are not valid.

It’s interesting to see I’m not the only one who’s family are like this. For everyone saying that I should not bother them with my problems or that I’m a moaner, my parents asked if we’d enjoyed our meal out at the weekend. I simply said that we hadn’t been able to go because we had an incident and explained very briefly what had happened. All was sorted no support needed, but I also couldn’t lie and say we had been for the mealz

OP posts:

SuburbanFraggle · 03/03/2020 10:05

My in laws are generally awful people and will happily spend a whole visit making the kind of small talk you make with the check out cashier.
'ooh, the weather,' 'that celeb' 'have you heard there's a new Aldi opening'.

Anything with any emotional content is verboten. It is met with a platitude and the subject quickly changed. 'Oh my boss is being very cruel and targeting me' 'Oh, be happy you have a job! Some people are unemployed!'

I think they just don't want anything beyond the surface. Probably as pp said low emotional intelligence.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 03/03/2020 10:34

My father is terrible for this too. Whilst at the same time will tell you how bad things are for him when someone else has a problem. For example Dh in hospital with sepsis, I got a long rant for how awful this was for my father. I've long given up expecting anything and just stick to facts is I have to give any information over.

It has taught me to be a little more thinking about things that surround a situation though. When MIL had a stroke a while back I made sure to ask FIL if he was ok and acknowledged it must have been horrible for him to witness. He was quite taken aback and thankful as no one else had bothered to ask him, just given him admittedly very deserved congratulations and thanks for acting quickly.

The80sweregreat · 03/03/2020 13:43

I know what you mean. My late fil and mil used to shrug everything away and say ' I had bombs dropping on my head at 14 during the war! ' for absolutely everything! If you were poorly or ill or had money worries or your child was in hospital or whatever it was it was never as bad as they had it! Fair enough that the war years were awful for them and it was hard , but it can be draining as it's making your worries lesser than there's and life isn't always like that! Sometimes you want a bit of sympathy or advice : it's not a competition. My parents lived through WW2 and they were not like this. They acknowledged life was different.
They were not at all interested in my life or worries at all. It is annoying. I learnt not to say anything in the end! Made life easier!

The80sweregreat · 03/03/2020 13:53

I had a small lump removed on my breast aged 25 ( pre children) long time ago now!
The night before the op inlaws phoned up ; not to wish me luck , but to say to dh ' I shouldn't worry it's nothing and make sure she doesn't make a fuss'! I wasn't impressed but it showed their levels of any kind of empathy for others : zero!

After the birth of my kids I was told ' it's all natural and women make too much of it!'
(Mil and fil adopted their children, mil had no idea about giving birth at all!)
They were an odd couple!

Flutteringsatlast · 03/03/2020 17:29

My mil never showed any empathy to anyone whatsoever..
We all had to show great concern if she hadn't 'been' that day.. She had Chrone's disease diagnosed and treated decades ago... - and wow did we have to live it also...
Grim tbh - whole conversations regularly about well, regular /not /details.
To pardon a pun but who gives a shit?
Grim..

annamie · 03/03/2020 17:41

There’s no cure for Crohn’s disease so she still has it.

Flutteringsatlast · 04/03/2020 10:30

Living your life expecting others to be invested in your toilet habits is Grim.
And she died several years ago--

Coughsyrupsucks · 04/03/2020 10:38

When my best friend died at 29 of cancer, I phoned my Mum very upset, with the expectation of a bit of sympathy and caring. What I got was ‘how sad, well did you know Fred down the road has terminal cancer’ and then a whole speech about how upset his family and the neighbours were.

Fred was 90, I’d never met him and frankly wasn’t in the mood. I put the phone down and haven’t told her anything important since, it’s been 12 years. Some people just have absolutely no empathy.

TeethingAgain · 04/03/2020 10:39

I hear you. I get this minimising and ignoring from my DM. Even to the point where if DD is screaming and crying she will say "what lovely singing! She's fine she's just singing!" It's ignorant and annoying.

33goingon64 · 04/03/2020 19:56

Bobbypins, I must say they are lovely people generally so I don't have a problem getting on with them. I just find their answers to this kind of thing so frustrating. It fits their attitude of: we know where we are and how we got here and that's enough for us - don't hassle us with even vaguely controversial topics or anything that might involve me having to think or analyse or ask questions. I find it lazy. My Mum has the most curious mind of anyone I know and we have really interesting conversations. I can't help comparing them, which is probably unfair.

Insideimsprinting · 05/03/2020 08:09

For everyone saying that I should not bother them with my problems or that I’m a moaner, my parents asked if we’d enjoyed our meal out at the weekend. I simply said that we hadn’t been able to go because we had an incident and explained very briefly what had happened. All was sorted no support needed, but I also couldn’t lie and say we had been for the meal.

Of course you told them about your night but I am really puzzled from your opening post and this one, I just don't get your problem, I mean what else do you want them to say? The responses tyou describe they give in your op would seem very reasonable to the above any more would just seem a bit ott. Genuinely, what response would you what to the above?

Insideimsprinting · 05/03/2020 08:14

Oh my boss is being very cruel and targeting me'
If you need advice of them ask for it or they will be left wondering are they venting, seeking advice, needing help, wanting sympathy what......?
Sometimes when all people hear is what's going on and that's it they're not sure which way to react so they remain neutral, I would unless it was clear why they were telling me.

santoslhalperrr · 08/03/2020 09:04

My parents are the same. Mum's constant go to is "I'll have to see what the week/month/year will bring" as a resignation of control or responsibility for making her life any better.

My dad and mum are both massive fans of "oh well".

VERY annoying.

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