To be annoyed by my parent’s constant platitudes

[Flythedragons]

I have a good relationship with my parents generally. But find their constant platitudes really annoying. Am I the only one?

I often don’t tell them about something that happens because I find it so annoying. It’s a constant stream of ‘oh well, never mind’ , ‘oh well, we’ve all been there’ or ‘ such is life’

We’ve had a particularly hard weekend, without giving details this has involved the police and an emergency hospital visit. My Dad’s response ‘oh well, we’ve all been there’.

Does anybody else find this annoying? I don’t need support from them or to talk about it for hours, but I’m quite sure we haven’t all been there!

I am guilty of this sometimes with my mum. She has a tendency to bottle things up and then when she visits me lets out all her frustrations and annoyances in one long speech and can be very unreasonable. I learned that she isn’t interested in hearing what I’ve got to say, she just wants an audience. Now I just let her rant and moan, just interjecting the occasional platitude when she pauses for breath.

I’m not saying you are like my mum OP, but is there any chance your parents might find some of your stories or situations a bit overwhelming and aren’t sure what to say for the best?

I say this to a family member who is super negative and moans non stop. I just cut her off as I’m fed up of the one way street.

Imagine opposite extreme. When becoming pregnant while in long term relationship but only 20something, a grandparent-to-be after hearing news goes to bed, doesn't eat, drink, speak or move from there for 3 days. Appears comatose in fact.

My in laws drive me mad with this sort of thing. I know it’s well intentioned but sometimes it’s ok to say ‘That’s horrible, I’m sorry or similar’

When our first baby was stillborn they started every sentence with ‘At least..’ and I did end up snapping ‘I’m not looking for a silver lining’

And in my subsequent pregnancy they would ask how I was and if we hinted at any worry they just said ‘Oh it’ll be fine’

We soon stopped engaging in conversation with them about it.

Betterversionofme I think either extreme is crap behaviour.

@HannaYeah, what a sneery reply. If you honestly think that it’s acceptable behaviour to interrupt someone telling you your unborn only grandchild is ok to drone on about your transmitters because it’s your turn to speak, then we clearly have different ideas about basic human manners.

And I adore my parents, but no, they have no capacity for understanding my life, or indeed any life which is not immediately comprehensible in terms of their own, and have made it plain they would have much preferred a daughter who did not go to university and have a professional job — they did their best to stop me applying for university, in fact. Unfortunately for them, they didn’t get the girl next door, and unfortunately for me, I didn’t get parents who encouraged or were pleased by my achievements. We muddle on.

I hear you, OP.

A favourite (her favourite, not mine!) saying of my MIL's in response to a disappointment for me or DH, such as being rejected for a job, outbid on a house, failing to conceive or miscarrying (none of which she had any experience of) was a brisk "whats for you won't go by you". I know she meant well, in a clumsy sort of way, but that phrase induces the rage in me.

Sometimes, you just want to sit and talk about how that house was special, why that job was so attractive etc. But she didn't ever have a sympathetic ear.

My dad does this. It’s his way of coping with the fact that he has no emotional skills. He can’t sit with your pain or sorrow or frustration or anything. It makes him too uncomfortable. So it just has to make it fine by saying ‘oh well, the good thing is he only lost the one leg’ or whatever !

Sounds like they either don't know how to respond or don't listen.

I personally don't go to my parents with issues for the same reason, that and my mum would take on the worry and martyr herself. Easier not to bother.

It is annoying though!

@dustibooks some I work with in hr does that. It’s disconcerting

My mum does it too sometimes, I think it’s anxiety on both counts and trying not to take on other people’s crap as they have enough of their own...

Ha! Fascinating thread.

My mum has stopped bothering with platitudes, she just doesn’t respond to anything she finds uninteresting. She just falls silent and waits for my next topic. Basically she wants me to offer topics until one catches her interest, otherwise she just ‘swipes left’.

Last week highlighted an interesting one. I suffer from a couple of chronic conditions. I’d just come from the GP, with an amazing ‘clear bill’ of general health from a slew of blood tests. I was so excited and surprised. I told mum- I mean, what mum wouldn’t want good news about her kid’s health? Nothin’. No response. She kind of looked away, with an expression that suggested I’d said ‘That Chlamydia I caught from the BDSM club’s clearing up nicely’. I waited about 10 long seconds, then changed the subject.

It really stuck with me. I assume she was envious? Or that she only wants to bond over negative news? Or just that she honestly thought it was irrelevant to her?

I’m not mortally offended, but it changes the relationship. I’m increasingly using a ‘toddler’ filter with her. If it wouldn’t interest a 3yo, it probably won’t interest her so I won’t bother. Anything involving food, injuries, tv shows or new toys is fine.

@BeroccaFiend

You’ve entirely missed the point. Emotional literacy includes working at understanding responses from people we love that don’t foot with our own world view.

There is a reason for the way they behave. It’s not just because you are better, smarter and more worldly than them.

@BeroccaFiend I just read a book just like your experience. It’s ‘Motherwell’ by Deborah Orr. Her parents didn’t want her to go to uni either. She was also in publishing. It was a brutal yet fascinating read.

I get what you mean. Whatever you’ve done, it’s not something in their realm so it feels like they’re not proud of you and just wanted you to live a life they understand.

I agree with @BeroccaFiend. Those platitudes speak of poor emotional intelligence.

My paternal grandparents were like this. They did their level best never to have any emotionally engaged or meaningful conversations ever. Anytime anyone said anything with any emotional content they'd immediately give detailed accounts of the daily schedule of their neighbours, or some other mundane topic, so they didn't have to engage. I actually don't think they knew how to acknowledge other people's feelings.

This may be a bit outing, but my MIL was so self-absorbed with her minutae that when we moved abroad to a different continent and came back to visit, she never even once asked us what it was like, and for 3 days spoke wholly about herself. I refused to interrupt her monologue to tell her I was expecting our first baby. So we trotted back to the other continent and she found out later from someone else. Didn't speak to her son for a year after that, even though I dutifully brought the baby to visit her.

I have one who does it through religion. Every situation gets a Bible verse but it's never her speaking. Just reciting a phrase for the situation.

suburban Me too. It drives me bonkers.

Its awful if you have a worry you need support with, or simply just want to share - you tell people who are meant to be close to you, be it parents or friends, and they come out with this crap - oh dear never mind, or there's lots worse of than you - how shit is that, what a slap in the face!

And yet there are a few posters on here talking about "moaning" - so you can see that there is an underlying mindset that saying something is wrong in your life and you need support means you are a "moaner". Maybe they are who all that "let's talk" rubbish is aimed at! Yeah - talk - expose your worries and fears and then be written off as a "moaner".

"What I do now is say “I’m ok but just need to vent and talk this out.” "

I actually told my mother this, that sometimes I just needed to talk and not necessarily hear solutions from her. She replied 'why would you tell me a problem if you don't want my advice?' So essentially me telling her my problems is just an opportunity for her to display her great sagacity... Funnily enough I mostly don't bother.

A cathartic thread, thank you!

My PILs are like this. They are warm, generous people, but they are so intellectually lazy they don't reply with anything that might lead to an interesting conversation. 'Oh well', is always their response if you remark on something you found curious or strange - it shuts down the exchange and suggests 'FGS don't make a scene by rocking the boat' or simply, 'I can't be bothered to get into that'. If a subject comes up like proposing ways to improve a situation, they say 'well what can you do?'. Well surely the world has been shaped by people who found solutions to problems, not just giving up! Their family WhatsApp messages are always about the weather. DH sends interesting photos and observations about the countries he travels to and their reply is always to tell us about the weather in their area, no questions or responses to his message. I find it weird, but I'm sure they think I'm weird too.

My dad is a bit like this. Not platitudes as such but just failure to engage or register when bad stuff happens. Or he will mouth something sympathetic but then just forget what I’ve told him and fail to factor it in.

I think it’s pretty inadequate tbh. Yes if people are complete catastrophists it’s tiring but if you have children there’s a responsibility to engage with them and their lives. It’s so dismissive.

@33goingon64 that sounds exactly like my ILs. They are also stuck in the past and only seem to want to talk about my DHs high school ‘glory days’ and care more about the lives of friends he hasn’t seen for 10 years (but stayed in their local town) than me. I just don’t understand it.

How do you maintain a relationship with them? Any advice? It’s started to become a problem between me and DH as I used to put a lot of effort in, which went ignored, and now I want very little to do with them. Problematic with 1st grandchild on the way!!

What do you want from them exactly? I don't mention stuff like that to my parents, my mum is the opposite she panics, crys and worries, my Dad goes into over drive asking questions, possible solutions, how why did it happen. I find it so dramatic I hate it.
Some people are very practical in their view in the sense that shit does happen to everyone you deal with it dust yourself down and move on. I view life's problems like this.
How do you know your parents haven't dealt with more than their fair share and just quietly dealt with it with out a second thought? Some can deal with huge amounts and you just wouldn't know because they just brush it off they and I will never be able to figure out how you want us to react because we'll you just get on with it its shit yes but so much happens to so many people it it just life!!!

I could have written this

It makes you feel like your feelings are not valid

Being validated is one of the most important things, especially with family.

I don't think it's down to being intellectually lazy. For most shit that happens it just needs dealing with, what's to discuss and dissect? Just deal with it and move on.
There are many types of intellect the ability to deal with such shit in life and move on from it will require a certain amount of intellect on its own right. The need to talk and dissect and discuss so much would only be needed if some one was struggling and needed specific support and in my experience I have only encountered a small few who actually needed help to manage life's shit most just crack on.