Have. Big decision to make in the next hour or so, I need the Mumsnet hive mind

[WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo]

Righto.

Years ago my nan died. She had 3 DC.

Two sons, one daughter (( my mum ))

Financially the sons were ok, my mum being a single mum was poor. Very poor. And worked hard for what she had.

So nana died and the house was to be sold, the profit split 3 ways. Not a massive amount of money, not even 10s of thousands but enough that it would have made a difference to my mum.

Only it didn't get that far, we went away for a few days and whilst we were gone one of the sons took it upon himself to move into the house. In doing so he also took remaining family heirlooms (( family Bible etc. Not worth anything money wise but obviously meant something )) and a lot of other things he kept.

This meant he now owned one house and also had my Nana's.

My mum was obviously upset about this, more about how he did it. And what he did. He paid off uncle one immediately and told my mum he'd pay her with rental from the other house. This came in dribs and drabs and was never the full amount. It then stopped a few months later when they sold the house(( they also took their half of the rent so profited twice )) it was just left. But my mum refused to sign it over as she wasn't happy.

They've since admitted they hadn't paid the full sum. Again no major fallouts, I've always invited them to birthdays etc. Theyve taken my DD on holidays, there is no malice on my part.

Now to the present day. They want legal ownership of the house to secure the future of their disabled son.

My brother immediately kicked up a stink and said they'll have to buy the 3rd share. Based on today's valuation. They've had the house valued and the 3 siblings are happy to take the money. Still a very low sum.

And then there's me. The awkward, principled one who also has a massive guilt complex 🙄

I don't want to sign it over because of how they treated my mum. I don't feel they deserve it. I know I won't really have any hold over it but what I propose is I sign something to state that upon the death of my cousin (( let's face it we all die )) my share reverts back to me (( well my DC ))

So what would you do ? Snatch the money and go off cackling into the sunset (( yabu ))

Or do what I propose and still keep a small hold over the property to remind them they were proper shits towards a vulnerable woman ? ((Yanbu ))

And yes I know this isn't WWYD but let's face it no one goes on there.

take it.its tying you to your mums misery was your hand of it and buy something or do something you and your mum would have loved.even if its lighting a candle on her favorite hill and tell her your finally got rid of the bastard place that caused her harm.
but let them know!why have you gone alne with being friendly with people that did her so much harm.
also if you dont take it now i suspect that they might fight dirty and they seemto do it well and i wouldnt want you to ned with even less.

Take the cash.
You are fighting a battle that was long ago lost in that your mum never got the money.
They are getting a small amount of karma assuming the market value has outstripped inflation.

I'm swaying both ways, I'll be ringing at 1.30. honestly I feel sick.

This isn't a revenge thing at all, it was something we hadn't given thought to although it's always been the elephant in the room but obviously as they get older they're thinking of their own mortality and dcousins security.

Oh and meant to add. Please do not keep a share that would revert to your DD - it would be cruel to force her to be involved in a long-standing family inheritance dispute.

I may be misunderstanding, but I think you're suggesting your plan (part-ownership of the house) instead of taking the money, out of kindness to your uncle, as you feel guilty taking the money?

However, I would guess (again may be wrong) they they would rather give you the money (while they're giving your siblings their share), rather than end up in a complicated house arrangement?

So if taking the money is better for you AND better for them AND less complicated, wouldn't it be better to take the money? The only caveat might be if it would genuinely leave your uncle or your disabled cousin destitute, in which case I might write it off out of kindness. But it doesn't sound like this is the case.

Your aunt and uncle have behaved really badly but I think that if you drag this out you are more likely to make your cousin suffer and you will prolong the annoyance you feel. Maybe invite them over with their solicitors for the signing and let them know what you think of them before signing?

Yes I agree, don’t go for the share idea. It’ll just lumber your children with more of this historic nastiness.

Take what money is rightly yours and your children’s, and let the whole business go.

Take the money, move on. You and DB could die 1st anyway... they know they were shits.

Take the money and end the saga. Drawing it out any longer does everyone a disservice. You need feel no guilt over taking the money, the guilt is theirs to carry.

Don't let your DC inherit this toxic nonsense.

I'm swaying both ways, I'll be ringing at 1.30. honestly I feel sick.

If you're not sure why can't you take more time to think?

I'd just be wary if the deadline was coming from Uncle and their solicitors - if it's a self imposed dealine then I'd understand more.

Insist that you will be speaking to a solicitor yourself and following sound legal advice.

Passing on a grudge to your DCs would be a toxic inheritance. Don't do that to them. Bring them up knowing all the good things about their Gran. Living well is the best revenge.

Your Uncle treated your mother like shit when she was at her most vulnerable and you ignored that, but now you want to make a stand?

I would take it but I would make clear to them how I felt about what they originally did and remind them that nothing will erase that or be able to undo how cruelly they treated your mother.

I would quite calmly say that from today you hope to move on for all of your children’s sakes but you hope they have learned from their mistakes and regret their past actions. Giving you money now will never make up for your mother being deprived of getting any opportunity to have anything to remind her of her mother.

Your uncle behaved appallingly towards your mother and caused her a lot of hurt. It's horrible what life has thrown at your uncle, but he doesn't deserve to profit from it by bullying other people with his behaviour!

Nothing wrong with having principles but on this occasion it may be more prudent, and certainly less hassle for you, to reach a full and final settlement of this matter.

However, given that they have unfairly received considerably more than the 3-way share that was intended by your nana, I suggest you do your utmost to ensure that they can't engage in any more double dealing.

Work out a sum to reflect the amount your dm was, effectively, defrauded of monies she should have received upfront and add a further amount to cover the value of her share of the heirlooms she failed to receive.

Add this sum to the amount that is on the table and state that you won't settle for anything less.

If they balk at this demand, state that you'll be happy to retain ownership of whatever % of the house you are entitled to and will instruct a solicitor to draw up an agreement to this effect with the proviso that if you predecease your cousin your share will be inherited by your dc.

Say also that in this event you will discuss with a solicitor the question of what rent your cousin should pay in respect of your share of the property/the freehold.

I would also caution you against signing anything unless you've run it by a solicitor and also ensure that, if they agree to buy you out, the monies are to be received by your appointed solicitor and released to you after you've signed on the dotted line.

Have you seen any valuations for the property, or have you checked with rightmove to see what sums similar properties in the area are selling for?

I think it would be best to take the money and walk away from the situation.

Make sure you get 3/4 valuations and that you receive the valuations from the estate agents direct from them. Once you and your siblings have agreed on a price that is acceptable to all of you tell your uncle what that price is and that part of the deal is that he pays all legal costs in lieu of cheating your mum out of her inheritance.

I would now take the money so you can draw a line, but

I've always made the effort to include them

I wouldn't do this any more. They can enjoy their own company having screwed over their family members.

I guess my point is that for your own sake it is better to draw a live under this financially. But I think you need to get out your feelings, whether you tell them or write a letter and then decide whether to send it or not.

enjoying the deadline I've given to myself. Ive been ignoring emails and putting it off for weeks. I thought id come to a decision but my conscience decided to have a last minute flap 🙄

Have you agreed to give your decision at 1.30pm?

IF NOT, listen to what is said, make notes, say In need to think this through & take advice’.

Put phone down & breathe.

DO NOT make decision about emotionally charged matters driven by someone else’s deadline.

Sleep on it, take independent advice if need be.

I would take the money but would agree with asking for more - a 1/3 split isn’t fair when one party has had the benefit of living in the property rent / mortgage free for a number of years.

Take the money. Your cousin has parents, they won’t leave him on the street. I’d point out that’s more than can be said for how they’d leave your mum. Do not get tied up in the mess of some long term minute ownership share. You’d probably end up caring for your cousin.

I’m in awe of your forgiveness op.

If this is an 'artificial' deadline you have set yourself, simply say you haven't yet reached a decision and will need some additional time to consult a solicitor - and don't be swayed by anything that's said to you.

Oh yes definitely ask for more. If they’ve had years of rent, demand your mums share.