Son & wife's attitude issues

[doyafeellucky]

Sorry, this has turned into a longer post than intended but even then, I cannot describe all the situations and my frustrations.

Ive always been one to think I can work out problems but Im at my wits ends now. My wife and I both love our adult son who is now in his early 30's. Before our son and now wife were engaged and married, we thought we had made her feel welcome in both our home and family.

At first things seemed good. We have no problem with our son living a full independent life but, a number of things have hurt me. Im growing tired of the disregard being displayed by our son towards us and I feel we are being made into second choices. I dont expect our son to put us on a pedestal but think he and his wife should be sharing occasions more between the families rather than seeming to prioritise the others.

Prior to their marriage, I was shocked when we were told his future mother in law was organising a birthday bash for our son and would we like to come along? It was almost an after thought but hindsight suggests it was a hint of what was to come.

As most parents do nowadays, Bank of Mum & Dad, both us and our son's future mother in law helped them buy their first home. I didnt know at the time but her mother and partner were invited to house welcoming meal. We got no such invite which I find upsetting to say the least.

With initial income being tight, we asked if they'd like to come for tea, nothing special, once a month and they agreed. Everything was fine for the first 5 or 6 months. After one meal where my wife had spent time preparing, our son's fiancee decided she wanted to leave straight after the meal. I suggested my wife wanted some time to talk with them as she'd been preparing the meal and just upping and leaving was a bit unfair on her. Apparently that didnt bode well.

Later, we learnt my son's then fiancee started saying we were 'too formal,' whatever that means. Next our son says his fiancee didnt like coming to our home which meant they started visiting us less. When they visit together, they are always on their way out somewhere else or are coming back so they cannot stay long.

I have noticed she is always looking for an excuse to leave as soon as she arrives no matter how much effort we make to talk. She's more interested in her phone and What's App. But I come in useful at times for her being asked to take her to the nearest railway station from time to time.

Now, the last couple of times they have popped around, she has started staying outside in the car, again, meaning we dont get to see our son for long.

The actual wedding was something else, Our family was made to feel like it was there to make up the numbers. Unknown to us at the time, numerous official pictures of the bride and groom with all her family were taken. Despite members of our extended family being present we got 2 official pictures of my wife, our other son and myself with them. Even then, we were an after thought at seeing and being able to order the official pictures and given just 1 week before orders were no longer being taken. That hurt me enormously, goodness knows how my wife felt.

I later found out that during the evening reception when my wife welcomed our daughter in law into the family, she said our family name was 'sh*t' and she didnt intend using it although she does do so in all letters etc. I would probably have made a scene if my wife had told me this at the time.

It's the same at special occasions. 2 out of the last 3 Christmases, we have had to decamp to her mother's home because 'she always spends Christmas at her mother's and couldnt give a sh*t whether her now husband is with her or not.' Those are her words. We invited her family to ours in return for the first Christmas and would be happy to do so again but their plans are already made etc, etc so sorry we cannot make it.

Both my wife's and my birthday are near Christmas. Im not too bothered about celebrating my birthdays anymore. My wife and I had discussed it and decided to mark her birthday with some informal pub grub. But my son then says his wife doesnt like 'pub grub' which is strange because the last Christmas meal was at a pub! So we ended up having a restaurant meal which was nearer my birthday and not my wife's as I wanted.

The last straw is son and wife came around on Saturday to say they are going out with her mother for Mother's Day and would we like them to visit us 'on the way there or on the way back.'

If these events were being held at my son and his wife's home, Id have no problem with this but every special occasion has to be at her mother's home, venue of choice or involvement. We dont even get the opportunity to ask would you like to go out for Mother's Day, anniversay etc.

I find myself hoping my son and wife do not have any children, I am convinced we would never see them while they'll spend all the time at her mother's.

Im at the point now where I consider I need to make my feelings clear to our son. If he wants to consider us as second choice parents, Im not inclined to make him first choice inheritance.

My wife seems prepared to put up with this while Im not as I think it's only going to get worse and we continue to be pushed aside. I really dont know how to broach the subject with my son. I find it hard to believe he doesnt see what is happening here because there are lots of other things going on that I havent covered.

Basically, how should I approach this? Thank you for reading and any input.

Sorry you are going through this. Try and maintain relationship with your son. Your DIL will probably then accuse you of ignoring her, but you can't win.

BIL's sister has the same issue with her DIL - never sees the grandchildren, her own son is a spineless twit. The family hopes the DIL sons marry women just like her!!

Hopefully your son will eventually see what's going on and either put it right or realise his wife is a bit nasty and manipulative and will end the relationship, preferably before they have children.

"Saying that you hope they don't have children as she (quite normally) prefers to spend time with her own mother.

You are definitely the problem in this relationship. Not that you'll listen to that. I wouldn't want to spend time with you either."

So parents of sons should just put up and shut up then? I prefer my own mum to my mum in law too but I wouldn't exclude her or act like a spoilt child the way the DIL is here.

Focus on your son, invite him over. Don’t worry about what DIL is doing, she’s being very rude sounds like you can’t do right from wrong. I wouldn’t go guns blazing about the inheritance just yet, see if your son is happy to spend time with you two first. Just say “ah do you fancy popping over one day, when DIL is busy.” If he says no, then clearly the issue is with both of them.

Let them live their life without you and you enjoy yours, don’t give them any more money and just change your will as you please, all you are doing is getting upset and fuelling the fire with her family. Take a step back .

I’m shocked at the people excusing the outrightly rude behaviour of the DIL. She sounds like she was dragged up, who sits in a car rather than going inside? That’s not just not wanting to see the in-laws, she could stay at home. That’s out right making a point and being hostile. I’d stop trying to make any effort with her, she’s rude and honestly showing signs of controlling behaviour. EmptyWallets advice will see you in good stead.

Ginger can you not see it from the point of his op and his wife ?

If they have children is very likely they won't have any real relationship to them......all those family events, Christmases, birthdays, kids school plays that they won't be involved in. And that's going to hurt massively. I see exactly where he's coming from.

I agree the issue really lies with his son for allowing this, but they both should be putting the effort in. Their daughter in law sounds vile.

@Dashel, you’re missing the point. Unless you feel that women should be bustling around arranging all family interaction, with their in-laws as well as their own families, purely because they have vaginas, it’s up to the men they’re married to to organise visits/occasions with their parents. The OP’s son, for whatever reason, is not doing this. It’s not clear whether he ever did before he got together with his wife.

We go where we are loved, valued and happy. If your son felt this unconditionally I think you would see more of him

That wasn’t the case with my brother. No one was more loved than him. But everything changed when he got married. His wife was, and still is, 45 years later a nasty piece of work. My mum was heartbroken by his callous disregard of her. Then when the kids came along my mum was prevented from having a close relationship with them because she kept them away and my spineless brother allowed it to happen. I could write a book.....

My mum died years ago and my brothers kids never mourned her passing, one of them even said at the funeral “we didn’t know her” .......I felt like saying “well that wasn’t my mums fault, she loved all you but was never allowed to see you”.

Don’t blame yourself Op, you both sound like lovely parents, but your son is weak and your Dil is a nasty control freak, it’s doubtful she’ll ever change. My Sil never did.

I think you need to speak to your son here. None of this 'oh he's just in love with his wife and so is doing her bidding'. He's a grown man who is capable of making his own decisions and it's his responsibility to maintain relationships with his family, not hers.

I think it's fairly standard that she prefers spending time with her family, there's not much you can do to change that. As I say, it's for your son to arrange time to spend with you, not your DIL.

She may not be the nicest but honestly, please focus this toward your son and concentrate on having a conversation with him about it, not her. He is your child, you are his family and it's up to him (and you, obviously) to make sure your relations don't go South.

You seem to think it's up to your DIL to make sure you have sufficient time with them, special occasions etc... It's not.

I’d be interested to hear the other side of this. It’s highly unusual for someone to prefer to sit in the car outside than set foot inside, so something is obviously going on that’s not being said here.

Your DIL doesn’t enjoy your company.

That doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a bitch. Perhaps you aren’t particularly nice to be around.

My PIL, who I tolerate, can be very rude, but they probably don’t see it themselves. They talk all over people, belittle views that don’t chime with their own, have a very uncomfortable and inhospitable house.

Based on what you’ve posted here, I’ve no idea whether you’re being unreasonable or not. But your DIL doesn’t want to spend time with you. It doesn’t matter if you’re ‘right’, being right won’t fix it.

Threatening to pull the inheritance is a dick move. Do it or don’t, but trying to use it as a weapon says a lot about you.

Whatever your flaws as a person, and we all have them, your DIL's behaviour is rude and designed to exclude you.

My advice would be to say nothing now and play the long game. Be there for your son, welcome them on Mother's Day (on the way there or back), stop counting 'visits' and obsessing over their priorities.

Your son will either have a strong enough attachment to you to keep seeing you despite his wife, or if he pulls away for a while, he may come back. They may split up they may stay together- but I would leave the door open for whatever contact can be had- he may be very grateful of this in the future and so may you.

There's no need for ultimatums or conversations, this will all worsen everything. Be honest if he asks you. Otherwise, I'd accept they are busy people and that you see them more than many children.

Once adult, you don't have a right for contact with your children, you just have to build a relationship where they want it. Allow him to do that without pressure, he gets enough of that from his wife and if you back him into a corner this soon in marriage, he will defend her and not you. The long game and steady behaviour is what is required.

Haven't RTFL, but this comment you made earlier on really jumped out at me, OP.

Our relationship with our son? A loving one where he was spoilt rotten. When he started dating her, we didnt get to meet her for a long time.

My uncle was your son in an almost identical scenario. He didn't introduce his aunt to my grandparents until they were actually engaged after two years of dating! That was because what his parents thought was being loving/spoiling him rotten was actually suffocating him and when he met my aunt it was a welcome escape from the overbearing, you're-beholden-to-us behaviour (which your disinheritance comment demonstrates) his parents constantly smothered him with. Her family was far more relaxed and welcoming and he felt he could be his true self with them.

So what you see as a friendly monthly dinner probably feels like a summons to your son. His wife can see it for what it is and is refusing to engage in the unhealthy dynamic and so she sits in the car. Perhaps you and your wife need to take an honest look at your expectations of your son and how they've been historically, because I think that might be where the issue lies.

Sorry, typo in first line: 'didn't introduce MY aunt'

Matildathecats advice is good.

You have a son problem. The wife doesnt want much to do with you. You just have to accept that

Sitting in the car is the most passive aggressive thing a person could do. It ensures the son can't actually enjoy his time with his parents, and everyone is focused on the sulking person outside instead of getting on well and enjoying themselves.

Fine, if you go no contact with your IL's, keep out of their way, go out, keep yourself busy when your partner is having contact. But this is controlling behaviour- controlling the encounter when you don't want to be part of it.

Sometimes my husband didn't fancy a visit to my family which is absolutely fine, and why should he? He didn't sit outside huffing and puffing though, just got on with his own life elsewhere. We used to have 'three line whip' events where I would expect him there, such as weddings, big birthdays, Christmas if we'd agreed it, but otherwise, he was free to come or not to come as the mood took him. I think expecting people to go as a 'pair' all the time is very immature, especially when one of them doesn't have very good manners.

It seems many are angry with some aspect of their own lives and are taking it out on you!

Really? And someone who makes such a passive aggressive comment is....?

I can see where you are coming from and why you are upset. It would be interesting to hear your DILs side of the story though. Has your son given you a reason as to why she now sits in the car and doesn't come in? IMO that is a big statement and suggests she is upset by something. How many times has this happened?

I agree special occasions should be divided between both families. That's what myself and my OH do even if I would rather spend every Christmas with my own family it isn't reasonable for me to ask that of him and it isn't fair on his family.

Definitely speak to your son about how it is upsetting you but try not to get to emotive when doing so or mention anything about inheritance. I think that would set him on the defence from the get go and likely make the situation worse. Good luck!

It sounds like you had legimitate reasons to be annoyed, but instead of addressing those you've chosen quiet seething rage. Very British, but not really a solution. It means every little thing like where to eat becomes part of a whole catalogue of behaviour and it gets out of proportion. Treat each instance separately.

Don't expect DIL to make as much effort with you as she does her own family. If DS doesn't make the effort then that's on him and you need to take it up with him.

I hate the assumption that once you get married, the woman is responsible for all things family while the man is just a lump to be carted around and fed. He should be putting some effort in and held to account if he can't be bothered.

Seen it all before.

She doesn't like your family.
Treated as an afterthought at the wedding.
You're not invited to family events.

She sits in the car rather than come in even if you try to make her welcome. This is a sign to your son to hurry up and get the visit over with. The visits will taper off as she makes it clear she's not happy and he try's to please her.

I suspect that when they visit 'on the way to' or 'on the way back' from other events that they'll be running late and have to cut the visit short (not that she'll get out the car anyway). The visits will taper off as she makes it clear she's not happy and he try's to please her.

I can see your reasoning behind hoping they don't have children. Its not nice to wish that on them if they want children but it must hurt knowing you'll be excluded from their lives. I suspect that even if you send birthday/christmas presents they'll get mislaid before the children see them.

She wants you gone, out of their life.

If this had been your daughter and you were writing about then your son-in-law would be a controlling bastard and she should leave him. However its a daughter in law and she's fine. He probably is aware but is going down the safe route as he doesn't want to lose her. Its the same as in any controlling relationship, you need to allow them to control you.

I doubt you can solve this. You'll just have to accept he's gone. Its difficult for many to accept that controlling women exist and they're often excused 'you're not welcoming' 'she's uncomfortable'. Reality she has her compliant husband and family, you're not needed. The visits will taper off as she makes it clear she's not happy and he try's to please her.

You sound very needy and quite aggressive - at least in the way you're responding to posters on here so lord knows what you're like in person.

They want to spend these times with her family. That's their choice.

Gosh got the same sentence in several times. Not easy to edit on MN - sorry bout that.

@doyafeellucky next time post in relationships not AIBU as you have seen people deliberately miss what you have said, and invent stuff to try to take you down.

I do not think you sound controlling at all. You just love your son. I would concentrate on setting up a get together with him, tell him you miss him and want to see him. Don't mention her at this stage.

And remember, that your son has to deal with the fallout once he gets home to his wife, she could be controlling, it does sound like it is her way or no way. Good luck.

Is your son an only child? I've got 4 and one DIL is like this, I don't think it is us, the others spend time with us, get on well with us, the other GC stay with us, spend lots of time with us. It is easier for us as we can spend time with the others.

My son visits us by himself now, we don't comment, don't criticise her, ask how she is. To be honest family get togethers are easier if she doesn't come as she causes an atmosphere but we still invite her, still welcome her, it is never enough and it never will be.

OP your post breaks my heart. My mum could have written it about my DB. Yout DIL is a selfish piece of work and your son is weak and spineless. My DB has 3 kids. We have never been invited to any of the kids birthday parties.amd they are now adults. We see them once a year on Christmas Day. Personally I make a point of not going as I may not be able to keep quiet and this would only upset my mum and she doesnt deserve any of this. Oh I could cry for you and your poor wife. My mum is a really lovely person. She is a gentle soul and never interferes in any of our lives. Our SIL understandably prefers her own parents but what she and my DB have done to us is disgraceful. I have no advice but to say you aren't alone. For others skating OP if you haven't been treated like this you can't understand and I am happy you haven't seen your parent be treated line this. With regards disinheriting spiteful cow that I am, go for it!