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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
Wilmalovescake · 29/02/2020 13:23

I also think you’ve been unnecessarily rude and spiteful.
Your Dad is backing her up cos you’re in the wrong.

Paddy1234 · 29/02/2020 13:24

Pam 'it's all the drama Mick, I love it'
springs to mind

SusanneLinder · 29/02/2020 13:24

Well my ex FIL's wife was Nana and my ex MIL was Grandma. My DD loved both. I can understand her being hurt.

Pumpkintopf · 29/02/2020 13:26

She sent me a message and told me it wasn’t what I said as much as that I am not sorry I hurt her

So apologise for hurting her feelings. That's not too difficult is it?

Then separately it seems that you are understandably unhappy with your father prioritising his new wife and family over you. Sounds like you need to have an honest conversation with him on his own about that.

Frangipanini · 29/02/2020 13:27

Every step family set up is different so I can't comment on whether you are BU or not.

I have a step mum myself and I hate/d having one. Her DGC called my Dad Grandad and actually get upset when my DC are around and get a bit of attention from him. He does whatever she wants and I am never included in things. He spends every Christmas with her family.

In the past he has said to my DC things like "pass it to Granny X" and I put him straight every time. Her name is Joan (not real name), not Granny. I too have no feelings for her either way. Unfortunately, this is the way it goes for many blended families.

She hasn't included you and neither has your weak father. They moved away (why, when he had a DD he was supposed to support and help out with) and they threw you the occasional fish. You don't owe them anything. TBH I'd get on with creating your own little family and leave them to it, including your own pathetic dad.

KarmaStar · 29/02/2020 13:28

I don't think anyone should be judging the op harshly not having lived in her shoes so to speak.
There is obviously a lot of hurt and rejection here and the op might benefit from speaking to a counsellor about this.
Ok give yourself time to think through how you want your relationships with dd sm and dss to be in the future.
I hope your ivf is very successful for you,a lot of stress can't be helping.

starfishmummy · 29/02/2020 13:30

she is my Dads wife to me and nothing else

Well I think you have your answer there.

londonrach · 29/02/2020 13:32

Your comments were nasty. Your poor sm. i can see why shes upset. Yabu

MintyMabel · 29/02/2020 13:33

You were spiteful. Apologise before this tears your family further apart.

justasking111 · 29/02/2020 13:33

Oh jakers you are hard work and so judgemental. She could have been a third grandmother ffs.

LovePoppy · 29/02/2020 13:34

You know it was your own father who excluded you, not his wife, right?

None of this could have happened without his consent

justasking111 · 29/02/2020 13:35

Your dad has been a shit about not including you on holidays, your beef is with him not her.

Flixsfoilball · 29/02/2020 13:36

To so entirely dismiss someone that has been in your life for so long is horrible, your current 'I don't give a shit' attitude is making things worse. Why should she have to host someone that has so little regard for her?

flirtygirl · 29/02/2020 13:38

Op you said it and you own it and you didn't think you would hurt her feelings but you did. So own that and apologise for hurting her feelings.

Otherwise whilst I don't agree with others on here, that you were being petty and mean over the title, on this point if you dig your heels in then you go over into the territory of being a bitch.

And yes you were excluded as your father had 4 daughters, so all 4 should have gone on holiday from when you were 13 and once older you should have been invited and asked to pay. That's how they would treat their other daughters so you should have been treated the same.

The exclusion feelings happen when a step child is not treated the same. It's your father's fault but your stepmother also had a part in it. The blame does, however lie with your father.

The upshot is that you need to apologise for hurting her feelings, you need to grow up and not make digs at her. Talk to them both about feeling excluded if you need to. But if you are not willing to talk about it like a grown up, then you need to shut up and put up.

CorianderLord · 29/02/2020 13:40

I mean you're complaining about being excluded by them and made to feel like an intruder but then you're treating her like an intruder and excluding her from your perceived family unit.

You clearly resent her and see her as having stolen your dad away and you need to let that go and treat her as you want to be treated.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/02/2020 13:41

I don’t see why she should be granny number 2

Why couldn't she be granny number 3? Does your partner/husband not have a mother? And whether or not- do you not think children flourish best when they have a lot of people loving and supporting them?

Everyone who posts a thread puts their own perception on things, and presents themselves in as good a light as they can. It's human nature. All I can say is - If this is the kindest light you can shine on yourself, you must have said and done some very unkind things.

Sotiredofthislife · 29/02/2020 13:42

She’s right. It was massively hurtful

And yet the OP says

like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite

So it’s OK to exclude the OP but to kick off when that excluding behaviour hits you?

Spaghettio · 29/02/2020 13:42

I admit I would be upset.

But I can see your side. If she doesn't think of you as a daughter (which she clearly doesn't) why should you think of her as a grandparent? Maybe ask her or your dad that?

Flixsfoilball · 29/02/2020 13:43

I was upset as this was actually a holiday I’d have liked to go on.

Then as an adult you should have offered to pay for yourself!

Dipi79 · 29/02/2020 13:43

"I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me..." 🤔

I think you'd benefit from some Counselling around the relationship, or lack thereof with your father. It sounds as though you're carrying understandable rejection issues and concomitant resentment.

By the by, it sounds as though you have been a tad unkind to your SM and, whilst banning you from the house may seem extreme, wtaf would your SM want anyone in her house who has so little regard for her feelings.

You have across as a petulant, self-centred child, not a woman of 30, but it sounds as though you have been deeply affected by both the geographical and emotional distance between you and your father.

nacher · 29/02/2020 13:43

Do you have a partner OP? If so does he/she have an opinion on any of this?

itsgettingweird · 29/02/2020 13:44

She is Jenny to you.

I don't see why people think that means she should be more than Jenny to a child.

I agree the relationship sounds strained and maybe that's more of the crux of the issue.

But I don't see why she'd expect to be anything more than Jenny?

My ds hasn't seen his father for 13 years, had phone contact for 5 ish or received anything from him for birthdays etc in that time.

When he talks about him he refers to him as Jim (not real name). He doesn't call him dad or even his father anymore.

A relationship isn't defined by a name. Why does she feel it's so important to have her DH daughters children call her granny or whatever?

Is you DM remarried or do you have a step father? What will children call him?

Littlemeadow123 · 29/02/2020 13:45

You complain about her excluding you, yet you are actively excluding her. Two wrongs don't make a right. If you want to spend more time with your dad and sisters then there has to be some give and take.

Stronger76 · 29/02/2020 13:45

YABU. My kids have a grandma, nanny and granny. The only person who made a fuss was my own mum but my dsm has like yours, been around most of my life, and will be a big part of my kids lives too.

Frenchw1fe · 29/02/2020 13:46

When you were a child your sm treated you as second best to her dc because we all know that your df wouldn't have left you out if she had wanted you included.
Now sm wants to be granny. Well that's your decision but for your future dcs sake I would be the bigger person and let her choose a title different to your dm's.
A child can never have too many adoring gp's.