SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

I've been in my stepdaughters life almost 20 years and she has a 1 yr old. I call myself Norma as she has a nan and I don't want to step on her toes.
I also had a stepdad for 40 years but my children called him 'john' not grandad as they have my dad as grandad. I think it is a real personal thing but to me it is the same as calling a step parent mum or dad.
My stepdad knew the kids loved him, and I'm sure my stepdaughters child will love me too.

Then a few years ago they went to Florida and said that I was a grown up now and they wouldn’t be able to go if paying for me too. My half sisters are still school aged so they always go by default. I was upset as this was actually a holiday I’d have liked to go on.
It's entirely normal to pay for yourself as an adult. If they didnt offer, why not ask.

It seems holidays werent a problem, you were happy not going. Then they went someone you wanted to go, then changed the status quo without telling them.

You were an adult you should have just asked.

You say she isnt your family. Just your dads family. Well she is your siblings family too?

And if that's how you view her, she can view you just the same. Not family. Her husbands family, who despite always being good to, has been really rude and hurtful. And doesnt even care if it was hurtful.

So she set her boundaries. Just like you did. You are an adult now. You cant have it all ways

Yes I am upset dad has taken her side. I’m his daughter!

And she's his wife... and you made a spiteful comment. A series of them, really. "She's just nothing to me" is cold, and mean, even if you don't like her. You didn't need to point it out to her.

I expect if you'd waited until your baby is born, all being well with the IVF, you could have started referring to them as grandad X and Jenny and nobody would have complained. But the way that you went about things was mean and childish.

I do wish you all the best with the IVF, and I'm sorry that you felt excluded from Florida, genuinely. Second families are tough. But you handled this badly and I'm not surprised your Dad has decided that you should meet with him away from the home that he shares with her after that.

And for what it's worth, I think you should have apologised. Not for the sentiment, if you meant it - although I'll stand by that it wasn't necessary or nice to say - but for hurting her. If you didn't mean to hurt her, you could have apologised for it. If you did, you must have known what you were risking.

I never got on with my father's wife (she wasn't ever my step-mother) and so I choose not to go on holiday with them. Spending a lot of time with my father would have meant spending time with his wife so I didn't do it much, he came to visit us without her and she went to visit her children. Now he's no longer with us I won't ever see her again, I'm not bothered and she's not bothered.

OP you are a grown up and a not a child. You openly dislike your step mother and have made that clear, now you need to find a way to maintain your relationship with your Dad and half sisters without her involved.

Step families.....so difficult.

My lovely step daughter is pregnant with DH’s first grandchild. I’ve told him that I assume I’ll just be Anne or “Aunty Anne”. He is grandad and his ex-wife is grandma. I’m good with that.

She won’t also be Granny and I don’t see why she should be granny number 2 when she is my Dads wife to me and nothing else.

She has stopped behaving like a stepmother and grandma because you made it clear she is not family, you implied that she is nothing else to you but Jenny, the woman that your dad marry. So Jenny, is dealing with your relationship in your very own terms. She is nothing to you, why on Earth should she want you in her house? It is not your home any more, in the same way my parents no house is not mine since I became an independent adult. I am pretty sure my own parents would have felt equally hurt if I had said to them what you have said to your stepmother.

Eggandbeans you remind me a bit of my eldest daughter. Who by the way we stopped paying for her holidays at 18. She was working and we couldn’t afford to take a working adult on holiday. She seen her backside as she said she wanted to come but still wouldn’t pay for it.

I totally get where your coming from with feeling that your SM is just your dads wife. I felt that towards my SM too and yes there were points I felt excluded too. It happens.

But you have too look at the family dynamics and read how everyone else is feeling about it.

Your dad obviously understands where his wife is coming from - your sisters will do to.

It wouldn’t have made a tiny bit of difference if she was granny Jenny, you’ve known her a long time and she hadn’t even cruel or horrible to you. You enjoy your time there.

Make up and do it quick because this could have serious consequences later down the line if she decided to pull even more rank when/if you have a baby.

How can you not expect your dad or your sisters to not support her? It was needlessly unkind and I can imagine that was hurtful.

Was it off the cuff or had you planned to ‘pre warn me her?

To put things into perspective you said they went on cheap camping holidays with two very small children, you then said when they went to Florida that was a trip you would have actually wanted to go on giving the impression you didn’t want to go on the camping trips.

I stopped holidaying with my parents who also did camping holidays with my younger siblings around 12 preferring to stay at my grandparents instead with my WiFi and friends round the corner . .

You say they didn’t invite you but they probably didn’t think you’d want to go camping with two tiny children when you’re 10+ years older than them.

Did you even ask to go because it sounds like you weren’t bothered until Florida was on the cards. Which yes as a grown woman you should have absolutely paid for yourself, this is normal and most people do so.

Look to be blunt it sounds like you’re just grasping at straws and looking for reason to be annoyed with your SM who you say has always been good to you yet you’ve been giving out some nasty comments to her along the years.

Sounds like she’s got the measure of you OP and when faced with yet more nasty hurtful behaviour has thrown the towel in and shores up her boundaries. I don’t blame her to be honest.

You’ve made it clear to her she isn’t your family so she’s just reversed that back to you and you’re kicking off about it? Fgs grow up, you sound so incredibly spoilt and hard work.

Honestly, I don't get why people are bothered who is called Nanny/grandma etc. I've got a step-mum, we're not that close, but I would never think about saying she wasn't nana to my son, it means SO much to her and doesn't make a blind bit of difference to me.

So how old were you when he moved Cornwall, OP - and how did you feel about that? What was the driving factor? Your stepmother? If so, does this not all come back to that? Which is still his fault.

@atomicblonde30
I actually think the sm sounds spoilt by the dad to be quite honest .

If you are this nasty at the age of 30 over hypothetical children, I cannot imagine how badly you have treated her over the past 17 years. I would love to hear her side of things

You sound very petty and jealous, you said she’s always been good to you and the holiday invites waned as you got older.
As an adult do you expect to be included as you were as a child?
I agree with your dad, he respects his wife and not a petulant 30 yr old.

Its amazing how normally on here step children must take precedent over new families so that they don't feel left out, but when an adult explains how they were excluded and how that subsequently made them feel, they are not only in the wrong, they owe the step parent in some way?!

Anyway, I wish you every success with the IVF and then when you have your lovely baby you simply don't let her see it - I mean, if you are not allowed in the house, how on earth can she see the baby? I presume if she can't dictate to you about your own child then she won't be interested in any case.

I don’t think you’ve been spiteful or unkind OP. She hasn’t acted as a loving stepmum growing up and you don’t sound particularly close, so she shouldn’t automatically expect to be called granny.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable/ entitled etc to expect to be invited on family holidays either. I’m late 20s too and I still go on holiday with my parents. I have a stepmum too and although she is nice enough, she is closer in age to me than she is to my dad and I don’t see her as family. I respect her as my dad’s wife and the mother of my siblings, but any future children will be calling her by her first name, as I do.

I think it’s your dad being the unreasonable one in all this. He should have insisted you were invited on holidays and he certainly shouldn’t have agreed to the ban from their house.

If you’re going through IVF I can imagine you’re emotions must be running quite high. Give yourself a break by being the bigger person, let go of the past and say you did not mean to hurt her and you are sorry if that’s what you did. Do you really want all of this hanging over your relationship with your step mum, half sisters and your dad if you have good news to break soon?

If she's just your dad's wife then you're just a guest, that she can stop inviting round to her house if she chooses. It goes both ways.

And look, you holidayed with your DM. It's not fair for your half siblings to go on holiday less often so that you can go every time too. If they are school age, another adult to Florida in the school holidays costs thousands.

@LanguageAsAFlower I think people underestimate how much it can mean.
My daughter has a step grandfather, and when he came to the hospital on the day she was born, we said, “would you prefer Pete, Grandad, Grandpa....?”. He didn’t expect it. We didn’t think he’d mind that much. We didn’t really care. He’s a bit of a hard one - and he cried. Just a tear! But he never expected the title. I don’t think OP realised how much it meant to her stepmother. I wouldn’t have done, before my SFIL’s reaction.

Jeezo, just saw OPs comment that a few years ago she was annoyed they didn’t take her to Florida because she would have had to pay!! What at 25 you expected a freebie to Florida? The snide comments about their young DDs obviously being included.
Seriously grow up.

@Hellohellohi I don’t.

@notsureofname Me too, I’d love to get SM perspective on the past 17+ years!

It’s a very difficult situation @Eggandbeans with a complicated back story that even you won’t fully understand because you were a child when your DF remarried. As someone who has a Step Mum and children of my own I have experience of that relationship. She has always been in my children’s lives and is as much a Grandparent to them as my DM. I hope the IVF is successful, it’s a stressful time for you and you don’t need this adding to that. Maybe as an adult now yourself you could sit down and write a letter to your DF and DSM explaining how you felt growing up and asking them to try and see things from your perspective. Now’s a good time to start over and redefine your relationship with your DF and family - once children come along it’s so much more complicated and you probably won’t be in a position to deal with it then.

Errrrm my mil is not my blood, nor did I live with her since I was 12. She chose to be called nanny and that's what she's called. We also have a very close friend who we call uncle. I thi k you're being petty

I'm nit getting the problems with the holidays thing. You had one holiday with your mum and your half sisters had one holiday with their parents. It's not like they were having loads of holidays and you none.

Time to grow up. Own this and accept that if you don't see her as family, then she has the right to not see you as family and therefore ban someone who is rude and ungrateful from her house. She's nit banning your dad from seeing you.

Well you’ve been shitty to her one too many times haven’t you and now she’s had enough. I don’t blame her tbh. You sound petty and spiteful and you need to grow up.