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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
AriadnesFilament · 29/02/2020 13:47

I suspect that your ‘shots’ over the years haven’t been anywhere near as subtle as you think and your SM has taken this in entirely the spirit in which it was intended: the latest in a long line of barbs designed to draw specific attention to her lack of place and lack of significance which, after 17 years, she finds deeply hurtful.

If you don’t want her to have any kind of ‘granny’ title that’s up to you, but you’re ignoring the fact that what she is saying is that the way you chose to impart this fact was hurtful, that you then compounded that hurt by refusing to see it or acknowledge it, and that by continuing to refuse to see it or acknowledge it now, a fortnight later, is the final straw.

There is a vast difference between a sensibly thought through conversation where you recognise the potential for hurt feelings and do your best to explain something as kindly as possible, and callously and coldly have an impersonal hypothetical conversation with no warm up or warning and then refusing to take on board other person’s hurt when they clearly make it known.

A simple and genuine “I’m really sorry, I honestly didn’t realise this would be a big deal for you and I didn’t expect this to hurt your feelings” would have been the reaction of someone who honestly feels nothing either way for the person in front of them. But that isn’t the case here. it seems S if You deeply resent your stepmother and don’t care if you hurt her feelings because of all the hurt feelings she has generated in you along the way since she’s been in your life.

You don’t have to change your mind about the granny thing. But the decent thing to do would be to recognise that you went about telling her and your dad about your wishes incredible badly, and in the process have hurt many feelings and apologise for that hurt sincerely.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 29/02/2020 13:47

Yes @Sotiredofthislife it's Ok not to take a 30 year old on holiday!!

Evilspiritgin · 29/02/2020 13:49

Is any of this real!!

You acquired a step mum at the age of 13, by the time you were 14 your father had moved to Cornwall had 3 children and your stepmum was stopping you going on holidays

Kirkman · 29/02/2020 13:49

When you were a child your sm treated you as second best to her dc because we all know that your df wouldn't have left you out if she had wanted you included.

Not sure if this is true. Alot of the holiday issues seem to have been around money. Kids don't always understand the ins and outs. Or parents trying their best, dont explain anything to a child who wpecieves it one way.

It may have been that they felt as OP always went on holiday anyway and them taking her would have meant less holidays for the other kids, this was the fairest way.

All the kids got one holiday each a year. Not saying it's right. But I dont think theres evidence that the SM just wanted to exclude her.

Op perceives it as being excluded, but that may not have been the intention. The SM may have wanted her to come, but finances and thinking they were being 'fair' meant she didnt come.

Op says herself, the SM has always been good to her.

Nowayorhighway · 29/02/2020 13:49

I don’t think she should be Granny either, I’m with you on that. They have a Grandma, your Mum so they don’t need a second one. There’s nothing wrong with her being referred to as ‘Jenny’, my Mum’s partner has always been referred to by his first name and that’s fine by him. It’s hypothetical anyway since you don’t currently have children, she’s being melodramatic and a little bit silly.

Thehop · 29/02/2020 13:50

She’s finding out what happens when you exclude a stepchild from family holidays. They don’t see you as family.

Thehop · 29/02/2020 13:50

I’m sorry I haven’t read the dull thread

Thehop · 29/02/2020 13:51

Shit full

Not dull

🙈

Nowayorhighway · 29/02/2020 13:51

I don’t think you should be included in family holidays anymore at your age though OP, you should be having holidays of your own really. I’m around your age, I’m married with four children and a career. I wouldn’t expect to be invited on holiday with my Mother, it’s weird.

marns · 29/02/2020 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justasking111 · 29/02/2020 13:51

Well dad could have put his hand in his pocket and paid for his DD to go camping.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/02/2020 13:51

Yes I am upset dad has taken her side. I’m his daughter!

Seeing as we're talking hypotheticals here:

What if your mum and dad were still together and you and your mum had "a little spat". Your dad felt you were unreasonable. Should he back you because you're his daughter, or should he back his wife who he believes is right?

It shouldn't matter who you are in a disagreement, if you are looking for the support of another person. It should only matter if you are being reasonable or not. Your dad thinks you are not.

His wife brought her children away on holiday. Your dad brought some of his children away on holiday.

It can be difficult with such an age gap to combine "blended" families. You had your life with your mam. And you visited your dad. As a teenager would you have wanted to go camping with toddlers? Probably not. As an adult, they didn't have to run Florida by you. They didn't have to seek your permission or offer you the chance to go with them.

I don't doubt there is some awkward feeling between you and your dad's wife. You don't see each other as family. But what you said, about a child that hasn't even been conceived yet was unnecessary. It might be how you feel, but it was unnecessary to say it out loud.

Although maybe your one of these people who "say it like it is" but then get offended when others do the same.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 29/02/2020 13:51

@Thehop How was that SM fault? The OP was excluded because she was almost 30!! Which isn't wrong

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 29/02/2020 13:52

@Thehop cross posted with your update!

user1494182820 · 29/02/2020 13:52

@SmallChickBilly

I think this is a tricky one too (the moving away thing). My OH lived a 5 hour drive from DSD when we met and contact was made difficult, so I actively encouraged a move to the next town over from them when we were moving in together. We lived there for four years and DSD showed absolutely zero interest in us, despite a lot of effort on our part (there is an element of this that is due to how her mum behaves, but a lot of it is DSD too). When OH became unwell recently and we needed to be somewhere less polluted, I didn't fight at all when he suggestwd we move somewhere further away again. My DDs were growing up somewhere polluted and unpleasant all for the benefit of someone who, despite our genuine best efforts, was disinterested in the lot of us. So we've done it, consulted her on it (she wasn't interested) and now she resents us, but it's still what was best for the majority of our family. My point is that, given OPs obvious bias against her DF and SM, she's possibly not telling the whole story and they wouldn't have moved to the opposite end of the country without serious consideration.

justasking111 · 29/02/2020 13:53

Oh did I misunderstand was she excluded at 30 not 14?

YappityYapYap · 29/02/2020 13:54

You sound awful and a bit spolit, sorry but that's how I read it. Your SM has been around for 17 years, she isn't 'just someone that your dad married'.

AriadnesFilament · 29/02/2020 13:55

Oh did I misunderstand was she excluded at 30 not 14?

Yep

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 29/02/2020 13:56

If you want to keep the peace for your fathers sake then offer an apology if she found it hurtful. If she comes back pressuring you to change your mind, then you calmly explain as you don't have a parent/child relationship at her choice, then it's unreasonable to expect a grandparent/grandchild one.

I have quite a few friends with similar relationships, some who go with granny Jenny, some with just Jenny.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 29/02/2020 13:57

YABU. It is not normal for adult children to go on holiday with their parents, or to resent it if they are not asked to tag along!

Did you not get that she would be upset by the Granny thing? Or did you not care?

justasking111 · 29/02/2020 13:57

Good lord what 30 year old frets at not going camping fhs.

AgentJohnson · 29/02/2020 13:57

Were you excluded or were they being pragmatic. You went on holiday, they went on holiday, you didn’t go on holiday with them because there wasn’t enough money to pay for you, for holidays you weren’t too interested in. However, the hurt appears to come from not getting a a free trip to Florida, despite being an adult.

Your SM is taking the heat for your father’s behaviour decisions but he’s your Dad and gets the free pass.

I thing at best you’re being naive and at worst disingenuous. Your SM has already said that your delivery hurt more than the statement but you obviously don’t care enough to care that you could have handled it better.

It sounds like you can dish it out but don’t like being on the receiving end. Which is fine but I hope whatever principle you think you’re standing up for, is worth all this shit.

humpbackdino · 29/02/2020 13:58

It was really awful of her and your father to leave you out of family holidays growing up.
It was down to both of them though not just her and as your parent he should have told her to swivel at the suggestion of you not joining the holidays, if it even was her suggestion.

I appreciate you are clearly hurt by it and who wouldn't be but I wouldn't make it awkward for my dc. I imagine you will feel ten times worse if she rejects your child like you feel she did to you.

I really would apologise and ask what she would like to be called and take this as an opportunity to bury the resentment.

humpbackdino · 29/02/2020 14:00

I'm confused, we're you a child being excluded from the holidays or an adult living independently?

Evilspiritgin · 29/02/2020 14:02

She didn’t want to go camping with the family, it was when they went to Florida she was put out

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