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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/02/2020 12:40

I do blame him too but he’s my dad and I do feel that if it wasn’t for her, I’d be included. He does everything she wants

Yes, he's at fault.

But maybe he does what she wants because a) he loves her and b) he agrees with her.

There is no reason she couldn't be Granny Jenny. Except you want to punish her. Well, it's worked.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/02/2020 12:40

I think it was a spiteful and unnecessary thing to say, given that in your opening post you claimed She’s always been good to me

Is it just about the Granny thing or is it the latest in a line of times where she feels you've been unkind to her?

I wondered this, too.

You said you weren't invited on family holidays - was that even when you were a child? If so - surely it's your DF who's at fault here. Or was it when your half-sisters were still very young (she was in your life from you being 13, so I assume the oldest of your half-sisters is at least 14 years your junior) , but you were an adult? In which case how could they be expected to choose holidays which would suit a young ADULT INDEPENDENT woman and a giggle of little girls? What makes you think that she was responsible for not inviting you? Do you not think that both she and your DF probably thought you would have better things to do in your late teens/early 20's, than go on holiday with toddlers?

I truly can't see, when she had been good to you, that she couldn't just have been "Granny Jennie". I think you've seen a way to hurt her, grabbed it, and now it has had repercussions you didn't expect.

Perhaps this was the last straw for her - she has ignored your snipes and spite for umpteen years and thought "NO MORE!".

If this she case - Good for her!

user1494182820 · 29/02/2020 12:40

The only reason you would possibly have said this is to point score and have a dig. Being a step parent is bloody difficult, particularly if she came into your life during your teen years. You are still behaving like a resentful teenager. If you want a relationship with your dad, you need to be kinder to his wife. If I was your dad, you'd be getting a massive bollocking right now, nearly 30 or not.

Ellisandra · 29/02/2020 12:41

Perhaps you’d have had a closer relationship with her, if your dad hadn’t chosen to live a long way (Kent to Cornwall) away from you.

Your giving your dad a very easy ride here.

It sounds like you were subtle as a bloody brick about her not being “granny”, when you’re not even in a position to need to say it yet.

If you’re bitter than you didn’t get to go on holiday with them - lay that at your dad’s door, not hers.

If the “granny” title is about blood for you then sure - don’t give it to her. Though be a bit kinder about it!

If it’s about giving it to someone who has been a good parent, how come your dad - who is the one responsible for the holiday situation - is still grandad?

arethereanyleftatall · 29/02/2020 12:41

Yabu.
Saying that was extremely unkind of you, my step dad would be devastated if I told him he wasn't grandad.
Also, the 'excluded from family holidays' thing was said to garner sympathy. But, actually there's a bit more to it. You lived 200 miles away, already went on holiday with your own mum (without your half siblings), the other children are over a decade younger than you, and they were cheap camping holidays, presumably local. A (im sorry but I'll bet surly teenager) would totally change the dynamic of a young child's camping holiday.
Honestly, grow up, start being nicer to people.

TheYearOfTheDog · 29/02/2020 12:42

@UniversalAunt is right. a period to reflect would benefit you.

I think you can say that felt sad that you didn't get to go on holidays to florida with your dad the way your younger sisters did but that you know that that doesn't excuse the unnecessarily hurtful comment you made.

Soozikinzii · 29/02/2020 12:42

I am a DSM with DSG and I would also be hurt by what you said . She could be nanajenny or grandma Jenny to differentiate. I think you must have actually known this was hurtful at the time or else why bring it up if it's just in the future ? She has been DSM since you were 13.

SebastienCrabSauce · 29/02/2020 12:42

Wow. Op you’re being really horrible Shock

Why are you blaming your SM? It’s your dad you should be cross with (if anyone).
You sound spoiled and entitled.

You’re a 30 year old woman for Christ’s sake, and in your OP you even said your SM has been good to you.

Of course your dad should side with his wife, they’re married and she’s also the mother of his children!

You need to grow up and show a bit of kindness and respect to your SM.

timeisnotaline · 29/02/2020 12:44

It kind of comes down to the outcome though op. I’m inclined to think YANBU, but if you want to be able to keep a relationship with your stepsisters you really have to apologise. I’d tell your dad quietly that you said it because you’ve been so hurt over the years and he should have made sure you were included more, that was his job really not hers.

AuntyMcAoife · 29/02/2020 12:46

I stopped inviting my own DC on holiday after they turned 18!

You are being precious about your potential first born.

bananafish · 29/02/2020 12:46

Oh dear, you do sound resentful and petty, and that's probably driven by years of feeling hurt and excluded.

You'd be far, far better off trying to deal with all of that baggage and figuring out what type of relationship you actually want to have with your stepmother in the future - if you can grow up enough from your inside 13 yr old self who is still furious and sad that their father has a new family.

If you continue to deal with the situation by taking cheap potshots at your stepmother (and by extension; your father), then don't be surprised and even more pissed off and resentful as they draw clear boundaries about what they will and will not accept in your behaviour.

cheeseball123 · 29/02/2020 12:46

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre the OP is using DSs to mean Dear Sisters. The lower case s is to pluralise it.

fikel · 29/02/2020 12:47

You’re 30 years of age, time to show some independence

Ginger1982 · 29/02/2020 12:48

I think YABU. You said it to be spiteful. It's not like she's new to the family. She's been your step mum for 17 years and you said you always got on well and you've been the one to make digs over the years.

I'm not surprised she's hurt. Would it kill you for her to be Granny Jenny? Surely the more people who love and care for your children the better? Sounds like she hasn't really done anything to hurt you and if you're pissed off about your childhood, you should be directing this at your dad.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/02/2020 12:48

The holidays were usually camping or the odd trip to France and Spain. They didn’t have a lot of spare cash and I always holidayed with my DM. I didn’t mind that as loved holidaying with my DM but they never asked me. Then a few years ago they went to Florida and said that I was a grown up now and they wouldn’t be able to go if paying for me too. My half sisters are still school aged so they always go by default. I was upset as this was actually a holiday I’d have liked to go on.

Why didn't you offer to pay for yourself, then?

ferntwist · 29/02/2020 12:50

YANBU. She simply is not/will not be your DCs grandmother. That doesn’t mean she couldn’t be a much loved ‘Aunty’. There shouldn’t be any disagreement about this. She’s being very petty.

ferntwist · 29/02/2020 12:52

Also her banning you from the house and not allowing you to see your father there is an extreme over-reaction. He should stand up to her.

SmallChickBilly · 29/02/2020 12:52

It does sound as though your dad, step-mum and their children moved a long way from you when you were younger, which has to sting. I understand how you feel that they made the first move towards excluding you from their family unit, but now, when you come to do the same, they are acting all hurt.

The problem is that you are excusing your dad for his poor behaviour and blaming it all on your stepmum.

I do blame him too but he’s my dad and I do feel that if it wasn’t for her, I’d be included. He does everything she wants

He has made that choice though. If it weren't her, it could have been anyone else, but he chose to prioritise her over you and he's still choosing that. He is to blame. He is the one that needs to make amends with you.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/02/2020 12:52

Well her subsequent actions proved the OP right. A mother would not ban a child from their house over a quarrel over children who don't exist yet

Are you new to this forum? Hmm

Sickandscared · 29/02/2020 12:53

Op I think yabu but something good can come out of it. She has been honest that she is upset you don't care about her feelings. You don't care about her. If she didn't care about you then this wouldn't bother her. Can't you see that?

Why not apologise for hurting her and ask can you talk? Tell her the truth - you feel you were not really included when you were young and would have liked to go on the holidays. They probably had no idea. Talk to your dad too. You are all adults now and you are hopefully starting a family of your own. It should be a joyous time, don't enter into it with hurt and resentment.

I am not surprised by her reaction. I have teenage stepkids. It is hard. I do love them. They are extremely cold and lacking in empathy (I'm not talking usual teenage self obsession), they really seem incapable of attempting to see other people's perspective. But they've had a hard time with the breakup, I love them because they are his children and most importantly they are still young so it's not fair to hold them accountable. But if this still goes on when they are late 20s then I'm afraid like your stepmum I can see myself telling them I've had enough.

Try not to hold it against her for having a normal reaction. She is his wife and whether you can see it or not you are disregarding her and competing with her by expecting your dad to take your side purely because you are his daughter.

ddl1 · 29/02/2020 12:53

It does partly depend on who brought up the grandchildren issue. If she brought it up, pressed you and you replied bluntly, then it wasn't the most tactful of you, but your SM brought it on herself by being very intrusive. If you brought it up - especially as a hypothetical issue - then I think it was rude and unnecessary of you. In any case: I think that a forced apology means nothing, and her demand for one is a bit petty, but your refusal to apologize is also a bit petty. If this is an isolated incident, then I'd suggest that you apologize to keep the peace and maintain your relationship with your dad. If she is constantly trying to exclude you, then I'd suggest that you bring it up calmly with your dad.

Doilooklikeatourist · 29/02/2020 12:55

Gosh , I think you’ve been dreadfully rude and should apologise for upsetting her
Of course your dad is taking her side , she’s his wife !
If and when you have children, she will be a able to decide what they call her
My mum , and mil were grandma Ann and grandma Barbara ( not real names ) and DH step mum was Nana ( her choice )
She was his stepmum from a similar age , no DC of her own

Hellohellohi · 29/02/2020 12:56

I don’t think you have been unkind op and your dad sounds weak.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 29/02/2020 12:57

The problem here is your dad not your stepmum. He should have included you in holidays, he should have stayed near you growing up so you were all closer, he should be dealing with the situation now. I wouldn't allow my husband to ban my daughter (his step daughter) from our house, but also wouldn't allow her to be disrespectful and say hurtful things to him. I can still give her a bloody good telling off even if she is nearly 30.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/02/2020 12:58

A bit of aside, I think a UK camping holiday with babies or toddlers and a teenager (stepchild or not) is like something from a nightmare.

It is.