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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
flower1994 · 02/03/2020 19:50

see atomic that isnt offensive to me lol, which I'm sure is very disappointing to you. definition of a goady comment that is zzzzz

BeatItBarry · 02/03/2020 19:56

Your dad isn't just going along with anything. He agrees with your SM. He's not some poor little man who just does as he's told, he's an adult with a brain. He quite clearly agrees that you were rude. Think about that...

atomicblonde30 · 02/03/2020 20:12

Oh give over @flower1994 I’m trying to lighten the mood, stop taking everything so seriously. Chill out and stop getting so worked up over strangers in the internet.

GinUnicorn · 02/03/2020 20:14

OP I think you really need to consider your relationship with your dad and sisters here. I suspect it will become harder now you have drawn these battle lines. I’d really consider making peace now. Please take some of the good advice on this thread.

Dashel · 02/03/2020 20:33

OP I wonder if it’s worth you and your dad going to a joint counselling session so that you can work through this issue and the issues that you have without hurting each other.

Like others I don’t think this is down to Jenny. But I think you would be much happier if you can get this resolved and feel closer to your family

flower1994 · 02/03/2020 20:48

atomic forgive me for finding your post a bit ironic considering that is almost word for word what I said to kirk initially

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 02/03/2020 20:52

Does he want to see you? Realistically does he want to continue a relationship with you?
You're an adult now. And if you are just generally an unpleasant person he is well within his rights to cut you off.

I think you seriously need to re-evaluate you're self as a person.
You don't even have a child yet. Might not. But your already forming them into the perfect weapon.

Kateguide · 02/03/2020 21:14

OP! You have 34 pages of responses, the vast majority saying you were out of order and that's what you take from this!

Genuinely flabbergasted! I refer to my last comment on page 26. No empathy and zero emotional intelligence.

atomicblonde30 · 02/03/2020 21:15

Precisely @flower it was a tongue in cheek post, literally meant to be ironic and poke fun to get you to chill out . .

Kateguide · 02/03/2020 21:22

But OP, kudos for coming back on your thread. Most people wouldn't

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 02/03/2020 22:27

You say yourself, it was always your SM who facilitated contact. She was the one who maintained contacted with you between access visits. Your dad wasn't all that bothered. You might find now that your SM has stopped bothering that your dad will continue to not bother.

And your hypothetical child won't have any issue about what to call grandad and Jenny.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/03/2020 23:54

@Eggandbeans and how often do you realistically expect to see him?

CJsGoldfish · 03/03/2020 01:21

My main issue now is that my Dad is going along with me not being able to visit them. I guess I thought things with him wouldn’t change. I guess this way I’ll get him to myself when I see him though....sure I’ll get flamed for that one!
It is unbelievable to me that THIS is all you've taken from this thread. You haven't actually 'heard' anything said.
What an absolute waste of a thread. No coming back from that.

DuLANGMondeFOREVER · 03/03/2020 01:36

You definitely seem mentally stuck in adolescence.

You are about to turn 30, and I’m going to make a guess that your father was 25-35ish when you were born (because he was still young enough to have more children when you were a teenager).

So he’s now 55-65. You take home for granted and think he’s going to be there for you forever.

Well, he isn’t. Even if he still wants to see you for now, who knows what’ll happen in the future? Maybe when your younger sisters are adult, they’ll retire abroad.
If you are really unlucky, he’ll pass away. My mum was only 54 when she died of cancer. I am so grateful that in the last few years of her life I matured enough to stop taking her for granted and to really appreciate having her in my life.

Sort your shit out while you still have a family to appreciate. Get some counselling and stop blaming your step mother for everything. Encourage your mother to restart her life and finally move on, properly, from her divorce. She’d probably benefit from some counselling too.

And tell your dad exactly why you resent him, let him give you the adult side of the story.

You are emotionally stunted.

Zombiemum1946 · 03/03/2020 01:43

I think a more diplomatic option would be to call her granny Jenny. She may not be blood but she's still your dd wife and mother of your siblings. She will be a part of your dc life . Despite how you feel she most likely does love you hence being so upset. It may grate, but an apology and a heart to heart about how you feel and have felt will help she may apologise in return. She might not have realised how hurt you felt. Talk, even if just for your dd sake. Hope all goes well.

TreeTopTen · 03/03/2020 05:47

I’ve had a SM since I was 13

[I] cut contact with my father when he met my SM and this lasted for many months.

they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born

I was 14 when they first went away without me and my half sisters were babies/tots

Seems legit

Sneezer · 03/03/2020 05:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DropYourSword · 03/03/2020 06:41

Genuinely thought @flower1994 was the OP in disguise, until OP returned!

flower1994 · 03/03/2020 07:05

dropyoursword based on what? telling someone to calm down? behave. in disguise 😂😂 do people actually do that - grow up

DropYourSword · 03/03/2020 07:11

Based on all your subsequent posts.

And yes, people do do that.

Yep, lots of people also need to grow up.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 03/03/2020 07:27

I don't think she is being unreasonable in not wanting you to stay. She isn't preventing you from seeing your DF, but she isn't prepared to host you either since you apparently think so little of her.

If you think of it from her POV, it will be very embarrassing explaining to people why she isn't considered to be a grandparent. No wonder she's hurt.

I think you need a face to face conversation where you explain your own feelings about being excluded from their family life and listen to how she sees things.

I imagine she considered your family was your mum's side since you lived with/near them, and you had your holidays with them.

Buggedandconfused · 03/03/2020 07:44

I wish my Dad would see me without my step Mum, I never get to see him alone!

However, you were unkind saying your SM couldn’t be considered a grandmother and telling her that. What difference would it make to you really? My kids call my SM grandma, and they call my mum Nana - I think it’s great that they have 2 grandma’s.

I can see where you are coming from feeling excluded from holidays etc, and I felt the same about my half sister’s holidays with my Dad, but honestly you need to stop being petty and trying to score points. If you are upset about the unfairness issues then you need to address them with your dad in a healthy way, not by being mean to your SM.

Upstartcrones · 03/03/2020 07:52

Your mum has really screwed you up OP. Very sad. I think you are trying to weaponise a non existent baby in the same way your mum did with you. Problem is it didn't work last time it just hurt you.

What if the IVF doesn't work and you've trashed your relationship with your SM and dad over nothing? Your dad isn't going along with it, he is agreeing with her and is probably very angry with you for upsetting his wife.

You need to have a long hard think.

Soontobe60 · 03/03/2020 07:56

OP, your dad wants you to apologise for upsetting your step mum. Although you say you didn't actually mean to upset her, and don't see the Granny thing as a big deal, the fact that she IS upset about it warrants an apology off you. It doesn't mean you have to change your mind. You're an adult, and the adult thing to do when you've upset someone is to be kind and apologise.
You go on to say that at least you'll got to see your DF on his own. Are you sure about that? He has already shown his disappointment in your behaviour by supporting his wife in not wanting you in their home because of your behaviour. He may well continue to not want to see you alone until you're prepared to apologise.
How far are you prepared to take this? You're the one whose behaviour is making this situation worse by refusing to say sorry for hurting someone's feelings. Having read everyone's responses on here, can't you see that?

BeatItBarry · 03/03/2020 07:56

I wish my Dad would see me without my step Mum, I never get to see him alone!

Can't you just ask your dad to meet up alone somewhere? OP can't expect her SM to leave her house so she can see her dad alone. Just go for lunch together or something if you want to be alone.