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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
Kirkman · 02/03/2020 18:13

I didnt call anyone in. Nevermind 'the troops'. Confused

Oscaree · 02/03/2020 18:18

You feel excluded from the family so you respond to this by making SM feel excluded?

Try treating SM kindly even if you feel she has been mean to you, she may respond positively.

flower1994 · 02/03/2020 18:18

kirkman If that is how annoyed you got by being told to calm down I cannot imagine the response would of been any more favourable had I told you I disliked your comment. I was not talking to you about calling in the troops, I am talking about the other posters who decided to all start jumping in over something that really isn't a big deal. I acknowledged that the OP was insensitive to actually say it even if she doesnt get on with her and I also said any future children probably shouldnt have contact and the OP should be banned from the house atm. maybe i read your comment as sharper then it was when you said about reading the thread but I didn't say calm down to seriously offend you, I said it because of how I took your response to me. I certainly dont need other posters now defending you over such a slight remark - you clearly dont need the help, quite clearly perfectly capable of explaining your point yourself (I mean that as a good thing!)

Hangingwithmygnomies · 02/03/2020 18:20

When I was growing up, my Dad was married to a woman who never made us feel welcome (wasn't horrible, she was just disinterested and unwelcoming) and if he were still married to her, I doubt she would be called Granny or Nanny. As it is they split just before I hit my teens and he met a wonderful lady when I was 16. She is a such a wonderful lady but when I found out I was expecting my Dad's 1st DGC asked to be called by her name and not any grandparent terms. Absolutely fine by me but I would've had no problem whatsoever if she wanted to be referred to as Nanny. My children and my brother's children have the absolute best relationship with her. We don't see them all that often as they moved to another country before my DC were born. Your DSM sounds like she has tried her best and your anger/dislike of her is misplaced. It should be directed at your Mum and Dad. YABVU not to apologise for hurting her feelings, if you really didn't mean to but I think really you did as a cheap shot

Original poster
Eggandbeans · 02/03/2020 18:25

Wow what a response. It’s taken me ages to read it all. Good or bad I will consider the comments. A lot of what I’ve said was for context. My main issue now is that my Dad is going along with me not being able to visit them. I guess I thought things with him wouldn’t change. I guess this way I’ll get him to myself when I see him though....sure I’ll get flamed for that one!

OP posts:
Oscaree · 02/03/2020 18:26

Forgot to say, SM's get a really rough deal. They're portrayed awfully in movies - "the wicked stepmother" etc. The children often don't want them around and rarely appreciate what they do for them. As they're not the SM kids it's also harder to discipline them when they behave badly and we're still expected to suck it up and love them like our own!

I had a short 2yrs being a SM. I washed their clothes, cleaned their room, did their homework with them, made their meals, took them for days out etc. etc. etc. Not once did I get a thank you for anything I did, but I just took it as I'm the adult and they're not.

The thing is, your SM will remember all that she's done for you. She may not have taken you on holiday, but I'm sure she cared for you when you visited and whilst she shouldn't have expected any gratitude from a teenager, she should expect some gratitude and respect from a grown woman. She's protecting herself now.

TheLadyAnneNeville · 02/03/2020 18:34

I think the whole attitude of the OP, if she continues to go along with her current thinking, is setting in motion a lifetimes worth of trouble. Blended families are tough enough without making things worse.

Kirkman · 02/03/2020 18:38

If that is how annoyed you got by being told to calm down I cannot imagine the response would of been any more favourable had I told you I disliked your comment

I wasnt annoyed. Why do you keep telling me how I feel? I responded. I was more bemused than anything else.

Kirkman · 02/03/2020 18:41

My main issue now is that my Dad is going along with me not being able to visit them. I guess I thought things with him wouldn’t change.

Op, he agrees with her.

You are an adult. You have taken several shots at her, as you said. Now she has had enough and he agrees an apology is in order.

You arent a child anymore. You are an adult and need to deal with things like an adult. You have upset someone and they dont want you in their home. The other home owner, agrees an apology is deserved.

I dont understand why, if you genuinely didnt mean to upset her, you wouldn't apologise for that. Even if you stand by your point.

BengalGal · 02/03/2020 18:50

If you didn’t mean to be cruel and hurtful to your stepmom WHY won’t you apologize? Is it going to hurt you to do so? I wouldn’t blame her for avoiding you from now on if this was not the first time you took a cheap and cruel shot at her. Your father should back her because you are the only one who is wrong here. You said cruel cruel words. You refuse in the most immature way to apologise. Why???

Maybe it’s best you don’t see her. She’s the only adult who has really done the right thing by you. Your dad should not have moved away and should have invited you on the camping trips. You should tell him how much that hurt you. But that was all on him, not his very young new wife.

Your mom should never have tried to alienate you from your father and should have encouraged you to think positively of his wife.

You need counseling. You are blaming the wrong person. And you are incredibly insensitive to have said this when you don’t even have a child and you are unbelievably stubborn and immature not to apologise. Get counseling stat so you don’t become a crap mom. Kids aren’t easy and you seem stuck at the emotional age your parents hurt you so deeply, 12. I’m really sorry they did and send you hugs for that, but get off your high horse and apologise. You’ve been a cruel bitch to the one person who has done nothing to hurt you.

xGAIAx · 02/03/2020 18:57

I dont understand why, if you genuinely didnt mean to upset her, you wouldn't apologise for that. Even if you stand by your point - because she did mean to upset her, she has told us how much she hates her and how she likes to take pot shots that upset her.

There are very worrying red flags all over the OP's posts. She feels that by being his daughter she can do exactly as she pleases and he will do and say nothing and always be there. Sadly I think we'll be seeing her back with a new post about her DF going NC with her.

sleepingpup · 02/03/2020 19:01

My main issue now is that my Dad is going along with me not being able to visit them. I guess I thought things with him wouldn’t change.

why not?

You seem stuck at the emotional age your parents hurt you so deeply, 12.

So true.

Littlebluetruck · 02/03/2020 19:10

My main issue now is that my Dad is going along with me not being able to visit them. I guess I thought things with him wouldn’t change

I mean, I don’t even know what to say to this.

Your dad isn’t going along with anything, he agrees that you are so unpleasant that you are no longer welcome in their home.

It’s called consequences OP.

I really can’t believe your 30 years old, you sound like a teenager. Do you have problems with other relationships in your life?

I guess this way I’ll get him to myself when I see him though....sure I’ll get flamed for that one!

Is this what you’ve taken from all the responses on this thread? I’m sure your SM will be delighted that your father is now making an effort to see you alone because you seem like a nightmare to deal with.

Lapetus · 02/03/2020 19:11

I guess this way I’ll get him to myself when I see him though

Was this the plan all along OP?

Littlebluetruck · 02/03/2020 19:14

Sadly I think we'll be seeing her back with a new post about her DF going NC with her

True. But that will be her stepmother’s fault too.

I mean, when an adult is constantly playing games with and essentially testing you to see how much you love them, it gets pretty tiring. In fact, it’s abusive.

bellabasset · 02/03/2020 19:16

Your dm didn't ensure you had contact with your df. Your df moved away to your dsm's county. You have 3 half siblings and you saw your df and his new family intermittently.It isn't about money it's about being excluded, you've upset your dsm so you can no longer see your half siblings. She doesn't have any right to do that.

I do understand that with a growing family, less money both your df and dsm lead busy lives. You are at a distance but why are you not in regular contact by Skype, so you have a family chat you know what the girls are doing, and exchange daily bits of news. Have you bought your siblings Easter eggs, or something you pack up and send do they send you little gifts. I think that's what makes you feel excluded. You could have been asked to join the Florida trip even if they couldn't pay for it. I think this is at the root of why you told your dsm she wouldn't be called granny by any of your dcs.

I can understand why you don't want to apologise but are you both being stubborn?Be subtle and send your dsm a bunch of flowers for Mothers Day saying 'Thanks for being a great mum to my sisters'. See if you get a more positive response from her.

Hangingwithmygnomies · 02/03/2020 19:18

OP now you sound ridiculous with have him all to myself. You are jealous of what your step sisters have had, that you have not - parents who are together. That is not your SM fault, no matter how much you want to blame her. Most children who have parents together rarely get 1-1 time. You could've asked for some 1-1 time with your Dad but you didn't. You seriously need some therapy to work through your issues.

flower1994 · 02/03/2020 19:22

@Kirkman okay I frankly cannot be bothered with this anymore, clearly gonna be like a dog with a bone

Littlebluetruck · 02/03/2020 19:26

It isn't about money it's about being excluded, you've upset your dsm so you can no longer see your half siblings. She doesn't have any right to do that

Her half sisters are of an age though where if they want to see the OP, they can. They can make their own minds up. They love their mother so, after years of unpleasant behaviour towards her from the OP, have chosen to take a step back from her too.

Nothing7 · 02/03/2020 19:26

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I would say just try and see from the other side. It may not have been the upbringing you wished for but she’s still your dads wife and has raised you since age 13. She’s cared for you - maybe not how you wanted or as much as others. She’s also cared for your dad and she means a lot to him.
We have a similar situation, in the guise of what to call my DHs dads wife when we had children. We knew that my MIL may not be overly happy with referencing the SMIL as a grandparent so we added her name onto the end of nanny and made sure it wasn’t the same as what our kids called MIL.
It was a bit of a hard one because I we didn’t want MIL to ever feel SMIL was replacing her, but by the same token, SMIL has been with FIL for over 15 years and it’s important that he gets to feel she’s part of the family because she’s important to him.
If she was your actual mother and had raised you In the same way as your SMIL would you do the same and not make your mum a nanny

MachineBee · 02/03/2020 19:28

OP - you’re hoping to have DCs of your own. What does your DP/DH say about all this? He/she hasn’t been mentioned in any of your posts.

flower1994 · 02/03/2020 19:28

OP, I can understand that way of thinking and its easy to compare your life/childhood with what your step sisters have had. it must feel very unfair but like other poster has said its not your step mums fault although I can see how she has become the scapegoat for your feelings. if you dont want a relationship with her it's fine, if you dont want to apologise that's actually fine too. but I think you would have to accept not being allowed in her home and I think a very honest conversation with your mum and dad needs to be had about the way you feel. dont allow it to fester any longer otherwise itll consume you and itll be you that suffers in the long run

atomicblonde30 · 02/03/2020 19:32

Calm down @flower Grin

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 02/03/2020 19:45

I guess this way I’ll get him to myself when I see him though...

Do you think you're actually going to see much of him? He didn't make much of an effort when you were a child. What makes you think he's going to make the effort when you are a fully grown adult who has drawn the battle lines with his wife?

I think you are going to end up being even more excluded from your dad's side. But of course it will all be your SM's fault, won't it? No need to look to yourself and your actions at all.

sendhelpppppp · 02/03/2020 19:48

And what if your dad doesnt want to see you op? What if hes sick of your attitude too?