Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
AlexCrowe84 · 02/03/2020 15:14

*blood related, with regards to the example I used.

GlamGiraffe · 02/03/2020 15:19

So @Eggandbeans you thought now??....

Menopausalcraziness · 02/03/2020 15:23

I think your SM has every right to be upset, your words are harsh.
My SM has been in my life since I was 10 and whilst they had holidays without my sister and I, we also had holidays without them (with DM and SD).
Me, my sister as well as my half sisters all have children who refer to her as their grandmother - which is what she is to us and them.
It’s no wonder she doesn’t want you in her home - it does sound like you have unresolved issues which, if not dealt with will impact on any children you may have and affect their relationship with your DF.

Lapetus · 02/03/2020 15:32

it's for the best then that any potential kids have no relationship with the SM and that OP is banned from the house. - Absolutely.

It's likely she will also lose contact with her half sisters now and any nieces/nephews that follow and I guess there will be less contact with her DF.

Professional help is really needed here. She still has her DM but I imagine this immaturity and bullying must cause problems in other relationships, she doesn't say if she has a DP/DH or ILs but there is every reason to think that without help, she will be a very lonely woman in years to come.

Anyone who bullies someone in their own home then experiences feelings of shock when told they can't go there anymore..... well, I'm no professional but that's not normal.

flower1994 · 02/03/2020 15:43

@Kirkman does it make you feel good to take PA shots at posters Hmm

I dont think I've taken a shot at you at all, just saying there was no need to get snarky because I addressed the part about her not needing to get the kids to call SM nan. I said it maybe was a bit insensitive to tell her this and then in my next comment said by the sounds of it it would be for the best if any respective kids have no contact and that the OP shouldnt be going to the house.

besides, you picked up my comment and replied to me. dont think I was randomly taking shots at you lol

xGAIAx · 02/03/2020 16:02

@flower1994 is that you OP?

flower1994 · 02/03/2020 16:05

xGAIAx lol what a weird comment. guess you missed the part in my username that is a big give away on my age, please go and find something better to do than post goady comments

Kirkman · 02/03/2020 16:20

@flower1994 you posted that you were going against the grain and then posted exactly what lots of people have said.

It's a long thread, if you dont want to read it, that not an issue. But writing an answer that doesnt make sense to the context is pointless and has no context in relation to what's been said on the thread.

I replied to you. I didnt have a personal dig. You decided to have a personal dig at me.

flower1994 · 02/03/2020 16:36

@kirkman you have lived an incredibly sheltered life if you think anything I've said to you is a dig. telling someone to calm down, especially when you consider you picked up my comment and responded a fairly snidey comment to me, is not a dig. also, I was responding to the OP based on what I had seen - you are not responsible for policing what is/isnt relevant on other peoples posts.

ineedsun · 02/03/2020 16:39

Whilst I agree with pretty much everything you say @sleepingpup (hope the @ thing works), please be mindful when describing people as real parents (especially in capitals). It's really offensive to a lot of us who are adoptive parents or have raised stepchildren from being young as they haven't had their biological parents in their lives. It implies that we are imaginary, playing games or less in some way than a birth parent.

Bella2020 · 02/03/2020 16:47

I'm not surprised she is hurt. She has been part of your family for almost 20 years, but you talk like she is something you stepped in. Spite is exactly what it is. You just dont like to admit it.
I know stepmothers don't always get an easy ride on here, but I'm a stepmother of 2 wonderful young adults and I hope that, when they have kids, they'll let me be Nanna, a name for grandmother not used where I live now, but common where I grew up. It would make me very happy. I don't see the harm in your future kids having some similar name for her.

sleepingpup · 02/03/2020 16:52

@ineedsun

Yes totally get your point and agree. Did that without thinking. Apologies.

Kirkman · 02/03/2020 16:56

@flower1994 give over! You told me ti calm down, based on nothing l.

If you are going to have dig, at least admit it. Theres been nothing that says I am nothing but calm.

I said nothing personal about you. Then you did with me, because you didnt like it being pointed out that reading the thread may be a good idea

flower1994 · 02/03/2020 17:08

kirkman I'm not getting into a back and forth with you because I told you to calm down after you said a snidey comment - what a seriously bizarre thing to be offended by. if you dont want people to say anything to you that you might not like (and I think being told to calm down is on the seriously weak side) then dont @ people telling them to "maybe read the thread" and saying things like "If people really think shes that stunted" because it comes across patronising. to then cry that someone has taken a shot at you is seriously hypocritical. anyway, considering this whole conversation started because you thought my inirial comment to the OP was pointless why dont you focus on the original issue in the thread instead of getting into a debate over how outraged you are by being told to calm down

atomicblonde30 · 02/03/2020 17:23

I mean @Kirkman seemed calm to me . .

AryaStarkWolf · 02/03/2020 17:26

Seemed calm to me as well

flower1994 · 02/03/2020 17:33

okay...I'm not sure she needs support over being told to calm down, it's really not that big of a deal

ineedsun · 02/03/2020 17:37

Thanks @sleepingpup

Bloody hell, we managed that without any sort of drama. Are we sure this is mumsnet 😂

GinUnicorn · 02/03/2020 17:42

Personally I thought it was kind of rude to tell a perfectly calm seeming poster to calm down too...

flower1994 · 02/03/2020 17:58

and I think it's kind of rude to reply to someones comment, that was not at them in anyway, and really didnt say anything mean/goady/rude in anyway to then say "maybe read the thread" but hey, I can see the vultures are gonna swarm on this so have a good evening and find someone else to pile on to

Fieldofgreycorn · 02/03/2020 18:02

and something tells me that OP will still expect her SM to treat her hypothetical child like family, despite insisting that she's 'nothing to her'.

Yes. What a sad situation all round. I hope op sorts things out.

atomicblonde30 · 02/03/2020 18:06

No one is piling on @flower1994 but you’re being a bit unreasonable, lots of people agree she was calm. Don’t be like OP and ignore the obvious lol

Brakebackcyclebot · 02/03/2020 18:07

I am a step mum who has step grandchildren. I would have been massively hurt in your SM's position. It sounds like she's been in your life for many years.

It will be your children who decide how they feel about her. You can't control that.

Kirkman · 02/03/2020 18:12

I did say read the thread. Because the issue isnt the SM is wanting to called grandma. It's the way the OP has done it. And many people agreed with you, it's up to OP. But doesnt mean she should have been rude about it.

The issue isnt wether the OP should let her be called GM it's how she went about it and why. If you didnt like my comment you could have just said. No need for the 'calm down'.

And why are you bringing up my other posts?

You shot back 'calm down' (often spouted at women who point something out), when I am perfectly calm.

I am actually enjoying a childfree day on annual leave. Calm is something I dont even have to put effort in to do today Grin

flower1994 · 02/03/2020 18:12

atomicblond I think its unreasonable for 3 or 4 people to jump on the bandwagon when all I said to someone was calm down when they @ me. I cant imagine how many arguments some of you must get into on a day to day basis, especially on here, if that is all it takes for you to call in the troops. also, I didnt ask if I was unreasonable, this isnt my thread lol