SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

In this situation I think you were a tad tactless, but DSM overreacted. Get in touch, apologise and come up with a name for her together. For eg, DH’s DSM is known as Nana first name and his DM and your DM are known as Grandma first names.

I don't think you ban someone from your home lightly so doubt this was an isolated incident - more the straw that broke the camel's back.

I had a "step" nana and treated (and was treated) in every way the same as my blood GP. She married my GF when my dad was 5 after his mum died.

My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship but I wouldn't expect to be called granny by her children. She's lovely and welcome whenever she likes but I wouldn't ever push myself on her. She has a very nice mum of her own who she is very close to. I can understand why that would make OP feel disloyal. Obviously I wouldn't say no either though.

And actually, even as an adult, if she wanted to come with us on holiday I would do my best to make it happen so she didn't feel excluded.

For those pointing out that OP is 30 and needs to get over it, that's kind of the whole point isn't it. She's had to live with all this for a very long time and it must have been incredibly painful. Very easy to judge and condemn when you haven't had to deal with it yourself. Plus she's going through IVF.

I do think it's going to be counterproductive to fall out with SM though. I really think counselling would help unpick all of this.

@BlackeyedSusan

SM is upset Because after 17 years she has been told she is OPs father's wife and 'nothing more'.
Cruel and spiteful especially if you read the long description of how the SM dealt with OP over the years.

Personally I doubt whether the actually SM cares what a hypothetical baby would call her. It's more about the cruelty of the pot shot OP took at her.

@Aderyn19

Totally agree that the OP needs sympathy and counselling of some sort. She sounds emotionally stunted as result of her sad childhood. When the adults responsible for her did not put her needs first. However you either stay the same repeating emotional cruelty or you change or try to change.

But of all the adults responsible for her the 25 year old women her father married is the least responsible. By the OP s own words "she has always been Kind".

However the OP at age 30 has chosen to be nasty and very unkind to her. I doubt it is the first time.

From the perspective of the SM and the half siblings there comes a point when someone needs to take a stand against that kind of toxic behaviour within the family.

I bet the SM wishes the OP would get someone kind of therapy also.

Step families vary, and not all children develop close relationships with SM etc.

My DD was hurt when her Dad moved away with his new wife, so I can understand OP was/is hurt. Ex and I also had a very acrimonious divorce, even so I've bent over backwards to ensure DD's relationship with her Dad was preserved / nurtured (he has made nil effort nor has, according to DD, SM who ''tolerates DD'' - her words not mine, I can't judge as I have no contact with SM and have never seen her with DD). My DD resents her SM - rightly or wrongly - seeing her as the ''cause'' of her Dad moving away and his not making effort to spend time with her. Personally, I see this is mis-directed angry as it avoids DD confronting her feelings about her Dad moving away. Its ''easy'' to blame a SM. DD does not feel part of their family, nor recognize her step / half siblings as ''siblings'' despite seeing them relatively regularly. You can't 'force' closeness. We deal with her anger/pain at home, we talk it out and we try to see everyone's perspective and needs. This has helped over the years and I can hope will mean DD will not have similar ''baggage' to OP'. . Even so I would be very cross if DD did what OP did to her SM as this could have been dealt with far more sensitively. As I say to DD you don't have to love her or be grateful for her, but you must RESPECT her and that you are in their home.

I don't hold OP responsible for her Mum's failure to ensure she continued to have a healthy relationship with her Dad, or that OP hasn't bonded with her SM - it's how she feels and that's ok. I do empathize as I've seen the hurt these situations can cause (without anyone doing anything 'bad'). It breaks my heart that a Mum would enable this and encourage their child as the hurt then never resolves. It's not SM's fault they never bonded, nor is it OP's - its just a fact and it doesn't make OP a bad person. That said, adults have to consider their words and actions and OP could have anticipated her SM might be hurt therefore an apology is in order.

Do people really think the OP is that emotionally stunted she cant comprehend that she is an adult and her siblings are not? She cant understand that her dad did towards her living costs and holidays and now does the same for her children. That she is so stunted she doesnt realise theres a difference between your kids as kids and your kids as adults?

Or that she cant understand that when you are rude to people they can choose how they deal with it?

...yes

@kirkman judging by her posts yes she is

It's a yes from me as well.

going a bit against the grain here but I think its entirely up to the OP what any hypothetical children call her SM especially if they're no longer that close. I dont call my stepdad "dad" and I don't call his mum "nan". no disrespect and I'm grateful to everything my step dad has done but the label isn't true. its never been an issue in my family.

maybe a bit insensitive to actually say this before any kids have even arrived but I dont think it's a big enough issue to be banned from the house unless this has been building up for a while, and others have alluded to, this was just the cherry on top

Ops sm has been in her life since she was 13 , so they must have moved to Cornwall when she was 14-15 then they had 3 children so op would be about 18/19 when they were going camping??

People have more sympathy when they are lead to believe she was 14 when her DF, SM and 3 Dsis were all away camping and she didn't get an invite.

I excluded her in a hypothetical conversation about when I have children. My DM will be Granny and my DD will be Grandad she will be Jenny (made up name) She won’t also be Granny and I don’t see why she should be granny number 2 when she is my Dads wife to me and nothing else. She was really upset and thought I was being spiteful. My DD thinks I should apologise but surely it’s up to me who I want as my DCs grandparents.

Sounds like you are being massively spiteful to be honest.

Why would she want to have you stay in her house when you speak about her the way you do?

Sounds like your taking out resentments on her which should be aimed at your dad OP.

OP just reading your responses is making me fume!

She isn’t my DM and I don’t see her as MY family.

Well then don't worry about visiting HER family home then.

going a bit against the grain here but I think its entirely up to the OP what any hypothetical children call her SM especially if they're no longer that close.

Maybe read the thread. Many people have said that's up to the OP. Its the fact that OP wnated to deliberately upset her SM. Dislikes her for no reasons and refuses to apologise for upsetting her.

@Kirkman yup and has admitted to purposely having "subtle shots" at her (I'd imagine this was another of those "subtle shots" but she got called out on it so is denying that it was a dig at her SM now to try and save face

If people really think that she is that's stunted, then how does she function in her everyday life.

I bet she knows the difference between kids and adults in everyday life.

It sound stop me like it more a case of she doesnt like her SM likes to have dig now regrets that it's back fired.

I had stepparents form the age of 20 (so didn’t bring me up at all) but I did insist they were treated the same as all the other ‘blood’ grandparents when I had children. The whole family benefited from this. All that extra love to go round ( and support for you) why would you deny your future children this? You are also risking the relationship your father would have with his grandchild. My relationships with both my stepparents improved a lot once I had children - kind of gave our relationship a shared focus.

Also the holiday thing! - The same happens to a lot of adult children especially when there are younger ones around. Of course they would pay for the children - but you were an adult. The same thing happened to me when I was 18. Of course at the time I was livid but now understand.

OP, you are nurturing and feeding a resentment here, treating it with such care and attention that it is growing and flourishing. You have hurt your SM but in the longer term you will hurt yourself more. You will have only a distant relationship with your younger sisters and your Dad and will lose what friendship you had with your SM. You will be left with only your Mum, who seems to have sown the seeds of this resentment by expecting you to mirror her feelings. To be fair, your Dad does not appear to have put up much of a fight but we don't know what went on between your Mum and Dad behind the scenes. Your SM sounds to have done everything that could have been expected of her. You would probably be happier if you could let this resentment go. You have been a bit cruel but it sounds like your Mum has been an influence. It is time to grow up and become a separate person with her own thoughts and feelings. On the off chance that this is a reverse and the SM is posting, try not to take this personally, this young woman has been brainwashed for years, know that you have done your best and try to detach.

The OP doesn't feel part of their unit and the Florida thing is just one more demonstration of being on the outside

OP only wants to be a part of their unit when it suits her though doesn't she. When they're buying presents or going to Florida.

OP didnt give a shit about being part of their unit when they were camping did she?

She says the relationship means nothing.

You cant have it all ways!

Ouch .. yabu

But she is not granny. She is only Jenny. Not petty. Don't most people do this? Can't understand why she has the hump over it really

The name is a complete red herring. It's not about who's being called granny. It's the fact OP used a hypothetical child as a weapon to hurt her SM who by her own admission isn't awful. There was no need to say what was said in the way it was. The child doesn't even exist yet. It's very obvious this has been used as another means to have a shot at her SM to make sure she knows she is 'nothing' to OP. It's nasty.

Whether OP is a step child or not, she is an adult now and adults should treat other people with respect and general kindness when that person has done absolutely nothing wrong to you. I don't see a single thing in OPs posts that suggests her SM has ever treated her badly. Every example given can be blamed on poor parenting from either OPs DM or DF. Her SM has the absolute least responsibility toward OP and yet appears to be the emotional punching bag for her anger. Children might get away with that but adults should not.

It's not okay to excuse this behaviour. OP is a grown up. She may have been hurt as a child but she is old enough now to explore who the real cause of that hurt is and it really doesn't sound like it was her SM. She should be emotionally mature enough to think about that now, she doesn't have the excuse of being a child anymore.

By OPs own account she's always made 'subtle' shots at this woman and has now used this as another one. Well unfortunately this one hit the bullseye and OP doesn't want to deal with the consequences of that.

No one should have to accept an adult treating them like shit in their own home whether they are a step parent or not.

She is old enough to be called on this behaviour, way way old enough now and I'm glad she has been.

Time to grow up OP and really explore the real reasons behind this resentment you've built up towards your SM. You don't have the excuse of age anymore I'm afraid.

kirkman sounds like it's for the best then that any potential kids have no relationship with the SM and that OP is banned from the house. cant force people to like someone, my step dad is lovely but my brother doesnt like him at all (still has a chip on his shoulder about our parents not being together 20 years down the line)

also cant force people to apologise - ps. no need to have such an attitude lol its some random person on the internet that you dont know, calm down

Flower, possibly for the best yes. But I could bet my dying breath that OP would be the first to complain if her SM wasn't treating her kids like grandchildren.

also cant force people to apologise - ps. no need to have such an attitude lol its some random person on the internet that you dont know, calm down
Eh?

Who said she could he forced to apologise. She doesnt want to, that's fine. But she cant expect to be welcome in the SM home.

And who isnt calm? Does it make you feel good to make stuff up and take PA shots at posters?

Kind of like the OP does?

I agree you're BU. Marriages connect a family. Your sister's husband would be your children's uncle, right? Even though he's not actually related to you... It's the same thing.
My FIL remarried when my DD was almost 1. His wife is Nanna Cathy to our DD, and my MIL is Nanna.
It's not taking anything away from your future child, to let them call your SM by an honorary title.

Be kind.