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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
sleepingpup · 02/03/2020 09:45

Ultimately I feel very sorry for OP who was badly let down by her REAL parents and ended up as child, being a care taker for her mother's feelings.

She is still sadly locked into angry, sad, teen mode. OP is devastatingly, emotionally immature even though she is a 30 year old trying for a child of her own.

Her stilted thinking is fracturing her family further, pushing away a SM who by her owns words 'has always been kind to her' and siblings who she loves. And her father.

I would put money on the fact her own mother thinks what she is doing is totally justified.

To me a stranger on the internet she is crying out for therapy to help her process her relationship with her parents and her childhood.

In the meantime she's carrying on like a spiteful cow ( as spitefully as her own mother was to her re her relationship with her dad - and as thoughtless as her father was to her in his actions ) oblivious to how toxic her behaviour is now.

She appears surprised she's no longer invited to the home of her SM and Dad who she has taken shots at ( I'm reading massive understatement) and who has been really nasty to.

I doubt the SM really cares what the baby to be calls her but I'm sure she's devastated that her DSD has dismissed her 17 years relationship as "nothing". And in the OP's words "that's just a fact".

Sadly OP hurts and isolates herself the most of all the characters in this scenario.

. Actually I find it so hard to believe that the OP can write all she has and not get a glimmer of insight that her SM has been a positive in her life.

Is this is a reverse?

BeatItBarry · 02/03/2020 09:54

But where do you draw the line? Are you going to be inviting your 35yr + step 'child' on holidays with you? 40? Are you going to take their husband and kids with you too to ensure they never feel left out of anything? OP is not a child anymore and at some point she should stop being treated as one, as we all were, it's part of life and growing up I'm afraid. The fact your parents divorced nearly 20 years ago is not an excuse to be forever babied and treated like a kid.

I agree it's a fragile situation when step children are children. But as adults, we should all have the mental maturity to understand this situation and why you wouldn't be invited on a holiday with your parents at 30 yrs old.

All this pandering to grown adults just breeds entitlement imo.

I would be upset if I knew my mother or father were pacing around trying to find money to include me on their family holidays at the OPs age. I'd tell them to stop being ridiculous and if I really wanted to go I'd offer to pay for myself, providing there was an invite (which it would be totally understandable if there weren't btw).

Kirkman · 02/03/2020 09:55

Even if she didn't want to go, I do think it's important to ask.

Op woildnt even ask her mum to spend christmas with her dad.

It's very likely, unbeknownst to OP, that he did ask the mum and the answer was no.

BeatItBarry · 02/03/2020 09:57

And it's completely relevant that OP didn't want to go on these camping holidays as a kid (completely understandable). They were the holidays she was invited on at the time and she chose not to go.

She can't now, as an adult, say 'well I want to come now you're going on a holiday I deem to be good enough'.

Littlebluetruck · 02/03/2020 10:04

Look at the way OP speaks about her SM in her posts. Can you imagine how she treats her in person. I can understand why she wasn’t invited to Florida.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 02/03/2020 10:07

So. OPs not coming back is she?

strawberrylipgloss · 02/03/2020 10:09

I keep reading that OP was excluded from family holidays but OP declined camping holidays and only wanted to go to Florida when she was in her mid-20s. She said that she was fine about not going camping because she went on holidays with her mum and it's the Florida holiday that she feels excluded from.

I suspect that a mum who dropped poison in her child's ear is highly likely to have prevented her ex from taking OP away. The Dad couldn't tell OP about this trips because who's callous enough to tell a child that their mum won't allow them to go away with the other side of the family?

I understand why she'd be angry that he moved to Cornwall but as she loves her half sisters and they benefitted by being near maternal family, she would ideally learn to deal with that issue.

With such an acrimonious divorce, even if Dad hadn't moved it sounds like OP's mum would have made things difficult for OP's Dad and OP might have been more aware how nasty things were and been damaged by the fighting. I think it's highly likely that she'd not be able to ask to spend Christmas with Dad because of guilt there.

HisValentine · 02/03/2020 10:11

My grandad isn't my blood grandad bit I call him it, never questioned it otherwise.

I think if you had two kids full time that had different dad's maybe you realise blood doesn't matter.

You sound immature.

However your DSM has cast you out, would she do that to her daughter's if they decided similar? She sounds equally immature.

sleepingpup · 02/03/2020 10:15

@HisValentine

you haven't read the thread have you.

HisValentine · 02/03/2020 10:17

Yes I have.

She's emotionally immature because of the things her mother said to her.

I think DSM was over sensitive to this hypothetical conversation. She's also emotionally immature.

atomicblonde30 · 02/03/2020 10:18

She hasn’t cast her out fgs. SM has instilled what sounds like very reasonable boundaries after nigh on 20 years of horrible treatment from her SD. OP’s dad is endorsing them as I can only imagine he’s had enough for his precious first born bullying his wife.

Sounds like SM has had enough of being everyone’s scapegoat. Good for her.

cannockcandy · 02/03/2020 10:21

Changed my vote after I read what you had said to her.
Regardless of your relation to her that should have no bearing on your potential childrens relationship with her. You're not blood related to your partners parents, will your children not call them grandparents either?

sleepingpup · 02/03/2020 10:28

She hasn't 'cast her out'.

SM in the OPs own words has 'always been kind to her' and over 17 years has maintained the relationship and made an effort over and above her DM and Dad.

Now OP "who has Taken shots " at her SM has told her brutally and unnecessarily that she is 'nothing' just her father's wife.

The grand parent name thing is just a red herring.

The SM is devastated and has gone NC. Which protects her and the 3 younger siblings from further hurt.

very understandable i'd say.

Mittens030869 · 02/03/2020 10:28

It's ridiculous. OPs are encouraged to stand up for themselves and not to be a doormat, and have healthy boundaries. Except, apparently, when it concerns adult stepchildren.

This isn't about the stepmum being emotionally immature, it's about her finally snapping after years of putting up with her DSD taking potshots at her.

elenacampana · 02/03/2020 11:02

About the Florida thing - if the OP has been making ‘subtle’ jabs at her SM, maybe she just wasn’t welcome on the holiday of a lifetime because no one wanted her there causing an atmosphere and making their mum/wife uncomfortable.

As for deciding what a baby that doesn’t exist will call people, and by the sounds of it using non-existant baby as a weapon, well that’s just very immature.

There’s a lot of blame flying around towards the SM, but the father is getting away with moving away from his first child because the first child is happy to deflect all of her anger towards his wife.

I don’t think you need Mumsnet, I think you need a therapist to help you find some peace.

Good luck.

sendhelpppppp · 02/03/2020 11:04

step families are different and the children need to be treated a bit more carefully imo

really? and by carefully do you mean "pandered to" - because that seems to be the general consensus.

This is why there are adult step children like OP. Because they've been led to believe that the world revolves around them, and nothing should ever change. The real world isn't like that. It's not healthy for people not to move on, imo.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/03/2020 11:13

You sound like you really need counseling to deal with all this resentment you have built up over the years OP. From everything you've posted, you really do seem to be blaming everything on this woman when it should really be directed towards your parents......either that or this is a reverse

Teenangels · 02/03/2020 11:58

I have banned my stepson from our house, mine and my partners just as if my partner didn’t want people in his home.
My stepson has nothing to do with me, his mother has absolutely made sure of that, can’t let go of that fact I am living the life she should have.
If people are toxic towards me then why should I have them in my life, if your dad wants to see you he can away from their home.
Your SM has been in your life for years, she may not be a mum to you but a future child of yours may have a wonderful relationship with her. OP you are petty and full of hate that has been drip feed from your mum.

Aderyn19 · 02/03/2020 12:16

No, I don't mean 'pandered to' Hmm. I mean that things should be considered from the step child's perspective and there should be some realisation that what happens in childhood affects adult points of view. People don't just reach the age of 18 and suddenly find that old hurts no longer matter to them and it's easy to 'move on'.
All I'm seeing here is a woman whose dad was happy to move away even though the mum wasn't supportive of the parental relationship and a sm who was nice enough but also quite happy to go along with that too. The OP doesn't feel part of their unit and the Florida thing is just one more demonstration of being on the outside. At the same time her SM is assuming a closer relationship to OPs future child than the OP feels is appropriate under those circumstances.
Now I agree that the real fault is with the dad for moving away and the mum for not encouraging closeness but sm has also been happy to accept a lifestyle for her stepchild that she probably wouldn't want for her own DC. She's been 'nice enough' but more, no less. OP (I think reasonably) doesn't see her as a grandparent figure. And yes, it is easier emotionally to take shots at the SM rather than her own dad. The dad has handled it badly by not facing up to all this year's ago. OP needs to talk to all of them about her childhood and why she feels as she does and get some help to come to terms with it, rather than getting laid into on here.

BlackeyedSusan · 02/03/2020 12:17

But she is not granny. She is only Jenny. Not petty. Don't most people do this? Can't understand why she has the hump over it really.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 02/03/2020 12:20

Then Jenny doesn't have to let somebody in her house she doesn't like. And the OP can't have the hump over that.

aSofaNearYou · 02/03/2020 12:26

However your DSM has cast you out, would she do that to her daughter's if they decided similar? She sounds equally immature.

Also I'm pretty sure if one of her own daughters made a point of telling her she was nothing to them and wouldn't be considered a grandparent to their hypothetical children, it would be a pretty big deal, yes. It is highly unlikely that anybody would say something like that to their own mother unless they were already, or on the verge of going NC, it's not like SM would have been fine with it if it were her own child.

The only reason OP felt it was ok to say that to her was because she is not her blood, so equally SM is more likely to decide this was a big enough fall out for her to no longer want to fight for her relationship with OP. The "your not my blood so it's ok for me to say this" thing works both ways.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/03/2020 12:28

But she is not granny. She is only Jenny. Not petty. Don't most people do this? Can't understand why she has the hump over it really.

Depends on the type of relationship they have I would assume. My daughter calls my husbands dad, grandad Jack, he's always treated her exactly the same as his blood related grandchildren, he remembers her birthday every year, my own dad, her actual grandfather never does

Kirkman · 02/03/2020 12:28

People don't just reach the age of 18 and suddenly find that old hurts no longer matter to them and it's easy to 'move on'.

Of course they dont.

But once you are an adult, if you find yourself upsetting and hurting people who you describe as 'always been good to me' and still harbouring resentment, you deal with that.

You dont get to be rude and still be allowed in someones home. You dont get to expect ongoing financial support, because your half siblings (who are actual children) have their living costs covered. You dont get to assume your holidays will be paid for.

You deal with the issue.

GabsAlot · 02/03/2020 12:40

Youre upset is misdirected op-she hasnt left you out at all your own mother discouraged contact and you didnt want to say anything

As yourve grown up youve decided the easiest person to blame is your SM

Shes not the enemy here-there was no need to say what you did about your future children to her

I think you need counselling and to work out exactly who youre angry with-this woman doesnt sound like shes done anything wrong