SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

If you don't see her as your family then why would she see you as her family and take you on holiday? You can't have it both ways 🤷🏽‍♀️

The OP is also miffed that her dad is no longer supporting her financially, apart from financial gifts for her birthday and Christmas. But how long does she expect him to support her financially for now she's an adult? She presumably is earning now and has no dependants to support?

She also thinks she should be able to come and go to his house as and when she wants. Well, not many parents would expect this once their children are adults. My DM had spent a lot of time in Africa since we grew up.

Juggling, step families are different and the children need to be treated a bit more carefully imo. If you do a big family holiday and don't invite one of your DC (even if they are grown up), it's going to feel like exclusion. Especially if she's grown up never feeling part of this unit.

Maybe OP isn't surprised by not being included and is therefore equally surprised that SM wants to be viewed as a grandparent?

Essentially your Dad started a new family and a new life with a new wife. He moved away and left you. Your mum didn’t do anything to encourage you to have more of a relationship with your dad. Your dad didn’t make the effort he should have done.

Your SM married a man she loved, had kids with him and tried to include her much older step daughter - whilst presumably also wondering how on earth she could make a camping holiday with small children compatible with what a teen might have liked.

They should have asked you on holiday, even if you only went once and hated it. They should have made it clear you had just as much of a home with them as your mum (though then your mum would have had to have paid maintenance to your dad of course and the likelihood is that you didn’t want to live with them).
They should have made time for you and your dad to spend time together and maybe have a small holiday or two together without SM and tiny children.
From what you say about your SM it sounds like she was doing her best by you whilst bringing up her own children.
What was your dad doing all this time to include you and make you feel wanted?

Don’t push them away. Embrace the bigger family so that your child has as many people who love them in their life as possible.

Swallow your pride, apologise to your SM and have a 1-2-1 with your dad to tell him how you feel.

@Eggandbeans to put this another way. I love my DP and am lucky his family are generally very nice people.

If his mother “took shots” at me or treated me as disrespectfully as you have treated your SM you can bet your ass she would be barred from our house. Her relationship with her son wouldn’t give her carte blanche to treat me like crap (not that she ever would) and I certainly wouldn’t allow it in front of my children.

She’s put up with this for years. You seriously need to rethink this.

I think you have been unkind in not allowing her grandparent name.

I think there’s deeper routes issues going on from when you were a child and got pushed out essentially. At that time, they were the adults and should have put you first and always made sure you were welcomeD and included. That sounds like it didn’t happen and understandably resentment had grown. Now this has happened and maybe you feel you’ve been wronged so don’t want to say sorry. If I have got this right, sounds like there’s some relationship issues that need to be talked about and you need to feel heard to be able to move past this latest issue. If it were just that alone, I’d say you were being unreasonable- so maybe you do need to say sorry and that’s always a good place to start when dealing with other stuff. But depends if you want to open that can of worms! (Even if you say sorry for what you’ve said btw, doesn’t mean to say you can’t choose who is in your child’s life.) xxx

I dont think the SM is upset about not being granny. Her father said it was the way it was done. An apology was requested for upsetting her, not for what she was trying to say.

Op insists she didnt mean to upset her. Most people, if they have upset someone by accident, would apologise for that. Even if they stand by their actual point.

At that time, they were the adults and should have put you first and always made sure you were welcomeD and included

She was. Read the update about her kither who encouraged her to not see them and was happy the dad moved away. The mother whose reactions worried the OP so much, she didnt spend christmas with her dad for years. Not because she wasnt asked because she worried about her mothers reaction.

The father, apparently, paid towards her holidays with her mother. If the OP wouldnt ask to spend christmas with her dad because of her mums reaction, it's highly likely, she was invited to come on holiday and the mother wouldnt allow it. The OP may not know this, though.

If you do a big family holiday and don't invite one of your DC (even if they are grown up), it's going to feel like exclusion.

That's ridiculous. She was told they couldnt afford to pay for her. Op expects financial support and holidays paid for, because her siblings who are still children do.

Children from seperates family dont get continued financial support into adulthood just because.

Maybe OP isn't surprised by not being included

No one should be surprised at not being included on their parents holiday when they are nearly 30. Step child or not.

I'm sorry but that doesn't wash, 'step children should be treated differently'. OP is an adult and was also one when this holiday took place. Every adult, step or otherwise, should be mature enough to understand that they won't be taken away on fancy holidays by their parents well into their adult lives.

Oh and my dad went to Aruba with my step mum so that makes me the 'step child' in that circumstance. Do you think I should have been invited?

I honestly can't believe people will tie themselves into such knots over step situations that they'll end up convinced that an adult woman should be taken to Florida at her parents expense. She's not a child for goodness sake.

Wow... if she’s married to your dad she is a part of your family. If she’s been your SM since you were 13 she’s likely made more compromises for you then you would have been aware of at the time. My step dad was never a big part of my life until I had my daughter, she loves him, she calls him Grandad, he pays for her to go to private school and he’s just been teaching her how to swim in the pool all day cause he paid for a holiday for us all .....Seriously, things can change when you have a child, I never saw my stepdad as blood family when I was a child, but my daughter definitely see’s him as this. Don’t push her away right now, what you said to her IS pushing her away... you can’t be shocked at her reaction... she probably would like to be a part of your child's life and to love your child and when you actually have a child you will want that for your child too, don’t limit your kids life.

@JugglingJuggles

That's because there's a vocal minority of posters on Mumsnet who think the child from the first marriage has been hard done by and can do no wrong. It must always be the dad and stepmum who are to blame, never the first wife. So they tie themselves up in knots finding a way to make that the case.

Personally, I think my parents owe me loads.

They divorced. Was awful. Mum married someone else. Was awful. Mum married my dad again. Was awful. Theres quite a few people that owe me holidays to florida and general financial support. According to some on this thread.

Juggling, you are being deliberately obtuse. Of course you don't have an entitlement to go on a holiday your dad and SM are taking, but if they were taking all your siblings and didn't even ask you if you'd like to come (and contribute to the cost), I think you be reasonable to feel hurt and as if you weren't as important to them.
I think you do have to treat step children carefully, to ensure they feel as much a part of the family unit as the children lucky enough to be living with both of their parents. These kids are vulnerable and what is fine in childhood has far reaching effects.
I don't believe they owe the OP continued financial support, unless that is something they will do for their other kids. To me, it's not about the money or the holiday, it's about making her feel part of the family.
I don't dispute that the mum is at fault here too, but the dad and SM happily moved 200 miles away and let this situation play out. If my child's other parent was happy to see the back of me and discouraged the parental relationship, there's no way I'd move hundreds of miles away. And if my husband was willing to leave his child behind and I was okay with this, no way would I be thinking I should be called granny to her baby. I would feel I hadn't earned that level of consideration.

Nope. Once my kids are adults they're not coming on holiday. There's 5 years between my youngest and oldest.

So I would take a 17 year old but the 22 year old can go with their friends and potential partner.

And once the youngest is an adult they can all jog on.

I can't believe people are actually so entitled on here that they think it's perfectly reasonable for an adult to expect to be taken on holiday by their parents. This place is mental sometimes.

And the other siblings are irrelevant. They are children, the OP is not. I'd do the same if all kids were mine, if one of my children is an adult and the others are dependant children then it's obvious who's coming on holiday with me and who isn't.

but if they were taking all your siblings and didn't even ask you if you'd like to come (and contribute to the cost),
The siblings are children. They dont have their own income.

Ops father did pay towards her holidays. Did pay child support. He is now paying for the children who are still children. To their living costs and holidays.....because they are children. He is doing the same for his children that he did for the OP, his adult child.

Op didnt even want go on the other holidays.

How about something like "Look Jenny, I'm sorry you feel that way, it wasn't my intention to hurt you*. However, as a teenager, I felt that I was an outsider to your and Dad's family unit so I have always viewed you as, Jenny, Dad's wife and not really as my Step mum. I do want you all to be part of my DC's life but, I'm sorry, I just can't view you as Granny."

Alternative

• I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt me, either, by excluding me from family holidays, but, as a teenager I did feel I was an outsider...

Maybe you can find some other term of endearment that isn't quite Grandparent as a peace offering. I'm guessing that Grandad and StepGran isn't going to cut it.
Are you likely to have a Christening - would you consider her as an additional Godmother?

I can see why she would feel the way she does but I can also see why you feel the way you do. Does she know you felt excluded as a child?

I can't believe people are actually so entitled on here that they think it's perfectly reasonable for an adult to expect to be taken on holiday by their parents

Only if that adult is a stepchild, apparently. On MNs stepchildren don’t abide by the norms the rest of us do. Doesn’t matter what age they are. In this case, a 30 year old woman whose behaviour is to be excused at all costs and still to be handled with kid-gloves.

I have an adult step son. He would think I was bonkers if I told him we had to move him x amount of money and pay for holidays because we do for my under 18 children.

He got living costs and holidays for by dp and his mum, when they were together and he was kid.

I wouldnt want him in my house if he was appalled I cpver my children's living costs and dont give him money as well. He is a grown up with a bloody job.

When my now teenager is an adult out of education and working fulltime I wont be paying for things for her like I do for the much younger sibling. They both have the same dad.

@Eggandbeans I wish you well with your IVF. If however things don't go to plan and you possibly adopt, being that the child isn't blood would you expect them to thing of you as their mother?
I'm a SM and it's not easy to be everything to everyone, everybody has their own expectations of your role. I'm so lucky my 3 wonderful SC have been nothing but kind and generous to me, unlike their mother. They being teenagers when we got together realised I made their father happy, and that's all that mattered to them.

She never went on holiday with him though. Even if she didn't want to go, I do think it's important to ask. I do believe it's different when you are talking about adult children who have always lived with you and children who haven't.
I won't automatically take all my adult DC on holiday with me if I go this year because they will be working and had holidays with me when they were younger. I will take child DC because she hasn't had the same number of holidays due to being younger. But if one of my adult DC wanted to come, they'd be welcome. And if one was a step child and the whole family was going, I'd definitely include them. If they were adults I'd ask them to contribute to costs, which is reasonable.

Especially when nearly every other poster goes on about leaving home at 18 getting a house and never having support from their parents again

Ops sm has been in her life since she was 13 , so they must have moved to Cornwall when she was 14-15 then they had 3 children so op would be about 18/19 when they were going camping?? I don’t know many 19yr olds go happily camping with a parent and 3 toddlers!! Other 19 yr olds I can imagine