SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

Your Dad should take her side because you were really rude. The grandchild doesn’t exist. There was no need to tell her she can’t be granny. If you are let back in the fold the kids will form their own relationship with her from birth and she should decide how she wants to be addressed. It’s not up to you. Or they might come up with their own name for her. The title isn’t going to determine the relationship. I don’t see why you want to make a big deal of not allowing her to be called granny. If they see her at all she will effectively be a grandmother to them.

I think it’s really silly to resent the Disney trip. At 25 people do their own holidays and parents don’t usually pay for them unless they have money to burn.

But the holidays when you were young are another story. Your dad should have stood up for you then and made sure you were invited and could go if you wanted to. That was mean and might be why you think it’s ok to be astoundingly rude to your fathers wife now, and then knowing you have hurt her feelings, refuse to apologise. There was no need to say any of it and once said you should have immediately apologised as anyone would to a friend or acquaintance. Did you want to deeply hurt her feelings?

I think she’s justified in asking you to stay away. And your dad is justified in supporting her. You have been cruel. It’s their fault for excluding you as a child (not the Disney world trip as an adult) to a point, but not to the point of refusing to apologise when you have clearly been unnecessarily cruel.

Gosh, I feel as tho you are directing your anger at the wrong person. She sounds like she has tried her best, but the people that have let you down seem to be your father and mother. Your father for moving away, and your mother for allowing her feelings about your dad to get in the way of your relationship with him. You have actually said nothing that indicates that your step mum has done anything other than make a real effort with you. I hope you are able to take some of these comments on board and try and look at the past in a more objective way. I can totally understand how you would have felt that way as a child as all this happened when you were young and you felt a duty to take sides. But you are no longer a child. You have been let down, but not by her. Even if you don't feel an emotional attachment to her, the least you can do is be cordial and acknowledge that she has only ever been nice to you and made an effort. It would be nice to not contaminate any future children with the hurt you felt as a child. It's up to us to protect children from negativity. That's not to say you can't have a conversation about how you felt when your child is older.

I really don't understand this kind of attitude. I had no GPs in my life; they all died before I was born, apart from my paternal DGM, who died when I was 3.

My DDs only have DGMs, no DGFs. My F was abusive so no loss there, but my DH's DF was lovely; sadly he died in a car accident only a few months after my DH and I got married, so our DDs never met him.

Honestly, life is too short for this kind of hostility. Your SM wants to be a Granny to your DC, and sounds like she'll be a really committed one from what you've said on here. Don't deprive your DC of that just because of an unwillingness to admit that you hurt her and apologise. In every relationship there are times when we have to eat humble pie and apologise.

OP - with your last post it’s clear as day that both your parents are the issue rather than your SM.

You are holding on to a lot of hurt that you have never confronted properly to be able to move on. It’s completely understandable and it might be a contributor to why you find it hard to let SM in.

But it also shows why SM is so hurt. You say you didn’t mean to hurt her so I don’t understand why you wouldn’t apologise for that. Equally, you need some time to look at the hurt that’s still in you whether that’s with professional help or not. You deserve to not feel like that anymore especially when you’re looking to form your own nucleus family.

Also, she may have made mistakes but as you said she was only in her mid 20s when she became a step mum to someone only 10 years younger, then juggling that with young children herself. She would have been very busy, with little experience of how to manage a teenager. Your father and mother are the ones that were responsible for you.

Something tells me OP would be first on here to moan that her SM wasn't treating their kids like her grandchildren.

Op, I’m curious. How does your mother feel about your step mum? Is there some jealousy and resentment there?

It’s hard to understand your attitude, but I’m wondering if you grew up with your mother drip feeding poison in your ear, that has led to your current situation.

Is your mother jealous, spiteful, resentful? Has she being telling you they dint prioritise you, that they should have kept paying for you past the normal eighteen cut off, taken you on holidays with them as well as pay for you to go with your mother?

Or is she trying to get you to see sense, accepting of their relationship, their family? Did she try to make you understand so you weren’t unhappy? But you didn’t accept it?

I also agree with PPs that you should look into getting therapy to process the hurt and anger, which are obvious in your posts. You should do this before you become a mum as well.

Just rereading your posts. Your mother has never had another proper relationship in the last twenty years, she was happy she didn’t need to see him again, she allowed you to cut contact with him when he met your step mum, even though it was three years after they split, you wanted to spend Xmas etc with them but never felt you could ask your mother.

Just how much of your negative feelings is due to your mother and her feelings, how she’s behaved over the years, what she’s been telling you.?

Just say your hypothetical child marries someone who already had a child from a previous relationship and they grow up knowing you as a family member but not blood... would you be okay with them pointing out that you will not be referred to as granny just Eggsandbeans

Blimey. I think it's the complete lack of empathy and emotional intelligence from OP that has struck me most with this thread.

1. Just because you think this is not a big deal, it doesn't mean that the other parties involved will agree with you.
2. It really does sound that you have been very rude to your SM.
3. Why did you give your SM false hope that you actually had a meaningful relationship over the years?
4. Labels / attributed names matter.
5. It sounds like you have never moved on from being 13. Maybe you should have therapy so you don't project this crap on your potential future children

His wife is his priority, as it should be

I am new to this, alas I got lost with all the acronyms. Hopefully, I'll get the hang of it soon!

I don’t know why you were even discussing it, it will be a long time before your potential child calls anybody anything!But seeing as you were, I don’t know why “Jenny” took offence, it is like some people argue over who is called granny and who is nanny etc( which can be solved by being called nanny first name anyway), surely it is their (the grandparents ) relationship with the grandchild that is more important than what they are called.However if you said it in a nasty way no wonder she was upset and you should apologise. As they get older the child will understand she is not a blood relative anyway whatever she is called,

You are being completely unreasonable. Your step mum has been in your life for more than half of it, is the mum of the sisters you claim to love, and think it’s acceptable to say you’re nothing to me, and expect her not to be upset? You need to grow up and respect other people’s feelings, you may find yourself in her position one day.

@Bluntness100 you may have seen that every few months or so a poster on here starts a thread of how her sons SM has stolen her life, how she is awful to her son because she doesn't stay at home whilst the DF takes the DS on holiday and so on. The general consensus is this poster is dripping poison into her DS and generally screwing up his life. The OPs posts make me think this is exactly what has happened in this case.

I think you may need to grow up.
My DH has a Step Dad and Step Mother who have been in his life since he was 13.
DH had a really tough time growing up really nasty divorce..
Mum left and wasn't seen for a number of years. Contact came back and all was good.
Then we married and dad and stepmum stopped contact.. few years later all was good again.
Our babies came and wasn't even a question stepmum just said u want to be called a cute name but not granny or nanny, or anything like that, but something to say she is important.
Step Dad didn't really care. He was always just his name.
DH and Stepmums relationship is up and down but myself and our children couldn't be without her.
MIL has again decided to not be apart of our family. My children have no idea who she is. But because they have Stepmum, they aren't missing out on anything.
She has been my rock and we love her. Even though DH has some resentment

my husband is not my kids biological dad but hes is grandad to the grandkids and hes amazing he loves them and they adore him . i think "jenny" should have some part to play she is going to be an important part of your childs life hopefully pick an alternative name . kym marsh likes to be known as lollie not grandma . it will be a special time and a chance to bring family closer

Sweeney, yes, that’s what I was thinking. That maybe the mother has allowed or encouraged the op to think she was not prioritised or was being replaced, that she should be invited on the holidays, that she should be paid for as an adult, that it was all the step mums fault

But I’d also expect at thirty she can rationalise her mother’s behaviour, if indeed that is the case, seen that her mother was angry, resentful and spiteful about the split and him moving on, to be able to see through it to the truth that lies beneath.

Your step mum sounds nicer than your parents to be honest.

In her twenties she took on a messed up teenage step child and has successfully managed to create a good relationship with you while juggling her own children. I bet she put up with more shit from you and your mum than you can begin to imagine.

You’re 30. 30. You’re trying to become a mother. You’re also expecting to have expensive holidays paid for, to get pocket money, to have an open door at your dad and step mum’s house despite being incredibly nasty to her, and to have your dad prioritise you - an unpleasantly behaved adult - over his kind, thoughtful, long suffering wife.

Have a word with yourself and unpick the mess you’ve created before bringing an innocent child into the world. You could learn a lot from your stepmum if you stopped whinging about what you’re entitled to and listened to her.

Look at it this way - you are now 5 years older than she was when she became your stepmother...

I'm not surprised you were excluded from the family holidays. If I were Granny Jen I wouldn't want you around my daughter's either. Your 'shots' at her just sound spiteful and vindictive. I hope she never acknowledges your child as, you know, she isn't blood.

I really don't think you can fully come back from this OP. Even if you apologise and SM forgives yet another shot fired at her, when/if you do have a child I imagine she will now not want to be too hands or get too close, she will never know if you if you are capable of using an actual child in your continued torture of her. I feel that your extreme dislike of her is far to deeply ingrained now and you will never be able to stop resenting her.

I think you should stay away and meet your DF elsewhere and leave her in peace in her own home. No one wins here.

Wow, you don’t really sound like a nice person. Your step mum hasn’t done anything wrong here and you’ve been really unfair and and hurtful. You are also being unfair on your hypothetical future child. Why try to shape the relationship that they’ll have with your step mum? Surely it’s lovely for children to have close bonds and love with as many people as possible. Both my mum and dad remarried and even though I call my step dad and step mum by their names, my daughter calls them her grandparents. I’m not particularly close with my dad’s wife, but my daughter is and that’s great.
My relationship with her has got nothing to do with my daughter’s and I’m glad they’re close