SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

I can see why SM is hurt, and can see why your dad has taken the steps he has. I am a SM, I was asked when babies were born whether I wanted to be called by my name or Nanny. I'm Nanny.

After reading your update it sounds like the main person to blame is your mum. She encouraged you to stop your relationship with your dad and said how pleased she was he was moving. I wonder if she told your dad you couldn't go on holiday with him.
Nothing you have said suggests your stepmum is to blame. You say about your relationship and it sounds like she was brilliant to you so I can't u understand why you'd be so spiteful.
Your an adult so your dad should stick up for his wife. He doesn't have to provide you with holidays or money. If you want a relationship with your dad and sisters then for goodness sake say sorry to Jenny. You should be saying sorry anyway. You know she's been good to you and you have thrown it back in her face until she couldn't take anymore. I can't believe your nearly 30 you sound about 10.

It's not a SM problem , it's your problem, the more you say the worse you come across . You maybe in your 30's , but you seem stuck in the past and the way you talk is like your a jealous teenager .

I think unless you've had experience and been in this situation it's really difficult to comprehend. I think you've had a lot of unnecessary hurtful comments here from people.
I understand because I've been in a similar situation.
Your dad really should have included you in their family an awful lot more over the years. It's extremely hurtful and a horrible situation for a teenager to live and deal with.
It does sound though as though you were kind of used as a porn to hurt your dad by your mom, though your dad could and should have stepped up a lot more than he has and is
His children should all be treated the same and they haven't been so I'm not surprised you feel the way you do.
You've been pushed out by both of them from teenage years and it's a difficult time of life anyway without having to reconcile, mentally and emotionally, such a difficult relationship and situation which should have been dealt with better by the adults involved.
It's entirely up to you who your future child calls gran /nan etc.

I chose to walk away from that side of my family as it was hurtful to me and in turn would have affected my children in a similar way too. Why inflict that hurt on your child as well?

Good luck with the IVF, it's a long process and hormones will make you analyse situations and make you feel all over the place. Xx

I think the Op is getting a lot of undeserved flak. How many of you criticising have been in the position she was put in as a child?

I understand why you feel angry OP - it must have been really hard losing your dad and him then going and having another family halfway across the country. I can see how the resentment would fester. I think your mum has played her part in too and it has damaged you.

You are obviously not close to your SM and that’s understandable. I have a SD I can’t stand, he’s not a nice man though and no way would he ever be ‘grandad’ to my dc’s. That’s your choice and no one can tell you how to feel about it. Only you know the truth of YOUR situation.

I think the comment you made to your SM could maybe have been handled better however she has completely overreacted by banning you from the house and your DF is being a wimp backing her, however you are probably used to that (my own dm always backs her idiot husband no matter what)

They are expecting you to treat the SM as part of your/your future child’s family when you have never felt like you were treated as part of theirs. I think I’d cut them off for my own sanity - tell them you have nothing to apologise for and you stand by what you said. Your DF and SM can’t expect to treat you like a distant relative all your life and then start calling shots on matters obviously very sensitive to your heart when they haven’t really considered your own feeling over the years. I would never move so far away from my child. They chose to and are these are the repercussions from that decision. Maybe they should have considered the impact it would have on your life.

I do think YABU to have expected them to pay for you to go to Florida though!

I have been in ops situation.

In fact I dont speak to either parent anymore AND they actually got back together after many years apart.

Still think the OP went out of her way to nasty to ger SM when her updates clearly state her dad has been a bit crap and her mum quite awful. SM seems the best if all of them.

As my Step Daughter basically made out I was nothing to her kids (her mum is dead so it's not like there was another Nanny on our side) I can tell you it's bloody hurtful. I've also been there since she was 12.

In fact I dont speak to either parent anymore AND they actually got back together after many years apart. What a major head fuck. You’re better off away from both of them

My mother allowed me to cut contact with my father when he met my SM and this lasted for many months. I was devastated when SM became pregnant - even more so because it was a girl.

You have a DM problem in her allowing this, and your own jealousy through all these years.
You sound spiteful and resentful and are aiming it at the wrong person. Should be ashamed of your behaviour (you knew your words would hurt) and it's good SM has finally said that's enough. TBH she's been a saint for putting up with your shit attitude for so long. A lot of people would have been done with you years ago.

I continue to be baffled by step mothers really wanting to be called granny.

I am really close to my niece, much closer than many step mothers who have posted on this thread. Yet I will not insist on being called granny to her children.

Why do step mums need to be called granny? The only thing I can think of is it’s either about status, about proving to everyone you are a happy family, or getting up one up on the actual granny?

Because if you love the child and the child loves you, why does it matter what they call you?

It sounds as if this was the final straw for your SM and she just can't cope any more with the potshots you're thrown at her over the years. Everyone has their limits.

YABU. My dad's wife (my step-mother) is my kids Nanny and I've never even had much to do with her. They are now separated and she is still Nanny. No reason with Your kids can't have multiple grandp arents.

@itwasntme1 but the being called granny is not the issue, it’s the being made to feel that you’re not a relation or important that’s the problem. And the refusal to repair the damage and hurt caused by offering any form of apology.

I think some people are misreading this, or not read the whole thread.

The father paid his maintenance and paid for the op to go on hols with her mum. He also paid for her to come down on holidays and spend a week at a time with them. Money was tight she says and the only hols they had were cheap camping ones, she didn’t wish to go, she was mid teens, late teens and in her twenties, these siblings were tots and up at the same time.

The only hol she wanted to go on bizarrely is one to Florida, when she was in her mid twenties and it seems expected to be paid for like a child.

It seems her step mother did the best she could as did the father given the distance, but the op fostered a spiteful jealous, entitled, resentful demeanour with them that she’s carried on into her thirties.

Whether this was due to her mothers hostility, who has not been in a relationship in the twenty years since it ended, or because this is who the op Is, is unknown. But from what she’s said, it doesn’t seem to the father or the step mother that’s the issue. The issue they caused was simply on of geography.

The Simple fact she loves her half siblings, shows they did indeed foster a relationship to make her feel included.

Fair and comprehensive summary Bluntness.

Honey, I agree OP could have handled it better. I suppose I am just surprised by the number of these threads, often with step parents who haven’t been overly involved in the step child’s life, but who want the title. It’s never clear to me why they want to take the title.

OP has described an emotionally charged situation, with a childhood which featured a neglectful father and a step mother who did make a bit of an effort. I think her did let her down hugely, and the step mum can’t have cared that much If she went along with such a big move away from her husbands child.

Sad situation all round.

Exactly @Bluntness. The OP also states her DM allowed her to stop seeing her DF, and was then pkeased he moved away so presumably she wasn't seeing him by her own choice before he moved. She also states he traveled back to see her and paid for her to go down to see them. She even says how nice to her the SM was but it didn't matter because OP still hated her. This is not the fault of the SM or the DF.

Sweeney, yes I can’t see the neglect here, given the distance, the acts they took, the money they paid, and the fact she has been able to develop a loving relationship with her half siblings, signals there was no neglect other than that forced by distance.

The mothers part in this has to be examined, but at thirty it’s right now for the father and the step mother to say that’s enough, no more shots, you don’t continue this through any kids you may have, we’ve tried for seventeen years. Either apologise and behave, or you’re no longer welcome.

The op can’t expect as she says she did, that irrelevant of how she behaves to the step mum it would never impact the fact she was allowed in the home etc.

Right now the balls in the ops court.

@Itwasntme1 I think you may have missed the part where it wasn't the title as such that upset the SM but the delivery of the statement. SM felt it was just another shot being fired at her in a deliberate attempt to hurt her. The DF agrees and is standing by his wife.

Sorry, just trying to have a conversation, thought I dod acknowledge that she didn’t handle the situation well. Just wanted a chat about the granny thing,

My bad, will shut up now😊

Given this is a hypothetical scenario (at the moment) ... is this a test of your dad? And he’s sadly failed you - again?

I agree that your parents haven't handled things well, but you're an adult now, OP, and you need to step back and stop blaming other people. You were rude to your SM and you should apologise.

OK, she doesn't need to be called "Granny" by your future child(ren), but the way you raised this issue was nasty. Don't perpetuate ill-will (perhaps started by your parents), be a nice person in your own right. Life is honestly too short and the more loving people your future DC have in their lives, the better.

There's so many MN threads about uninvolved Grandparents (mine included), you don't want that for your future DC.

@Bluntness100 OP says her DF & his wife never invited her on their family holidays. As they were mostly camping type holidays it was a big issue for her.

But the America holiday again they didn’t invite her even asking if she’d come along but pay for herself.

Her DF didn’t pay for holidays for her. He paid maintenance and also paid for her to visit them in Cornwall, which was like a holiday for her. Not actually taking her away with them on holiday.

And she never had alone time just her and her dad.

It’s really a father issue. He couldn’t be arsed to parent his child, or keep more in contact or make an effort for her.

You’ve a got a pretty shit dad.

Wasn’t abut issue

Maybe they didn't invite her to Florida because she's a spiteful nightmare and they didn't want to ruin their holiday.

Which as she was mod 20s is perfectly fine.