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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 01/03/2020 18:18

My mum's step dad was hands down the best grandfather I had. He was amazing and I loved him to bits. My mum never called him dad and tried to get me to call him by his name. My answer to that as a stroppy child was to call my grandmother by her name too (and my parents). Faced with that, it quickly became okay for me to use Granddad. As far as I'm concerned, if a grandparent's partner is a big part of a child's life, it's between them and the child how that relationship is defined and if the other "adults" can't be grown up about it, that's their problem.

I think OP, perhaps you should sit down with your step mum starting with an apology for the way you behaved and explain events as you've described here. Including the role of your mum in all of this.

It might be worth looking into some counselling for your childhood too. I found all the issues from my childhood reared their ugly head once I was a mum and I found it hard to avoid falling back into the same mould as my mum.

lasthope123 · 01/03/2020 18:19

Also I do think it depends on circumstances I have my reasons for not wanting my moms husband to be grandad won’t get in to it just think it all depends on the situation and the back story

Barmychick · 01/03/2020 18:21

Agree with queen of pain, the more love & support a child has.

Mir91 · 01/03/2020 18:23

I don't think you are being unreasonable considering you have been left out so much by her

sendhelpppppp · 01/03/2020 18:23

But normal thats an entirely different sitiation isnt it. Presumably you hate him and he hates you. Shite all to do with whether he shares your husbands DNA or not is it.

OhCaptain · 01/03/2020 18:23

@Justontherightsideofnormal that’s all well and good but nothing like the OP’s situation so hardly relevant.

bytheseaby123 · 01/03/2020 18:24

I was coming on here to say this is your dad's home too and it would have to be something awful to ban your own child from your home which he is allowing BUT.. I think this shows you that your relationship means more to her than you thought and she is hurting. Does the name granny/Nanny mean that much to you?
I've found since actually having a child I wouldn't care what they are calling anyone the more people that love them the better and if it strengthens the bond I would be happy with granny for whoever! It's just a word!
Seems you are more pissed off about the way you have been treated and I would use this as an opportunity to have that out on the table.

sendhelpppppp · 01/03/2020 18:25

I don't think you are being unreasonable considering you have been left out so much by her

I think you mean "by your dad"

Casiloco · 01/03/2020 18:25

Justontherightside

Yes, you're going to be slated, because although your situation involves a stepparent, the situations could not be more different!

Completely irrelevant.

DreamTheMoors · 01/03/2020 18:27

@Eggandbeans
You’re an adult. You need to act like one.
The “well, she did it first” excuse went out in primary school.
Either apologize & get some therapy or don’t, it’s your miserable life & your choice.
Although, your casual attitude towards the hurt of another is what troubles me most - it’s my instinct to soothe and comfort someone in distress, not to care one way or another about it. Your problems perhaps go deeper than your step-mum.

Littlemissamy · 01/03/2020 18:28

I haven’t read the full thread, but read far enough to see why you’d fallen out.
I think that was pretty horrible of you, actually. She might not be your mother, and you might not share blood, but she will be in the role of grandparent to your children. I have step mother and a step father, they’re both grandad and nanny to my kids. They aren’t my parents but they’re my kids grandparents. I wouldn’t dream of depriving them of that role, or of depriving my kids if two extra grandparents who love them.

VK456 · 01/03/2020 18:39

This was a very touchy subject with my brother’s second wife when his son became a father, so I can see why she would have been upset. She’s been your SM for quite a few years. They opted to call her Granny Chris (not her real name) in the end and that seemed to appease everyone.

jayddd · 01/03/2020 18:52

People responding to this... #bekind lots of love @Eggandbeans I hope things shift and improve for you all xxx

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 01/03/2020 18:54

@jayddd 🤣😂

Did you just use that hashtag on this thread seriously?
They walk among us.

FaveNumberIs2 · 01/03/2020 19:09

That’s a really, REALLY hurtful thing for you to do.

She’s been in your life since you were thirteen, she’s accepted that you are part of her husband’s life yet to you, she is nothing.

You have your own mother who is still alive and a big part of your life, she did the same for her children. And I presume you were excluded from holidays BECAUSE you were grown up, didn’t live with them, and had your own mother.

I think you are jealous of your father’s happiness with a woman who is not your mother, not you are being rather spiteful in your future plans to refer to her as “just Jenny” but you are being super nasty in actually telling her that.

In her shoes, I would tell your father you were not welcome in my house until you apologise either!

Oh, and for the record, I’m a stepmom to a son who’s mom is deceased, stepmom to a daughter who’s mom is alive and an adoptive mother to three other children.

FaveNumberIs2 · 01/03/2020 19:11

*and, not not

FaveNumberIs2 · 01/03/2020 19:12

*not only. Not not. Omg stupid autocorrect.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 01/03/2020 19:13

I’d say YABU. My dad married his current wife when my 7 year old was 2. So whilst I don’t see her as my stepmom at all (I was 29 when they got married) the kids call her NannyFirstName as they wanted to-she tried to resist as she said I shouldn’t have that title and yet it seemed to come naturally. More grandparents for kids can only be a good thing if they are a positive part of the kids life. I had loads due to step parents and divorces...loved them all.

ChampagneCharley · 01/03/2020 19:13

Ultimately, the children will call her what they want. But as a SM who never got called mum by my DSC, I feel honoured now my SD is having a baby and I will be Nan. I think you should apologise, I would've felt hurt in a similar situation.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/03/2020 19:18

@Lillyringlet that is absolutely nothing at all like the OP situation

ThistleTits · 01/03/2020 19:19

Eggnbeans your child/children cannot have too many people to love them. My daughter's children have me "granny" other "nana" a "nana jane" and a "nana linda". It's actually much more complicated than that but it works for us. She's your dad's wife, you've obviously had a relationship for a long time and I'm sure you hurt her a lot.

numberonecook · 01/03/2020 19:29

I was about to say op is being reasonable until I saw what the spat was about. Being called granny, grandma, nana etc is about a loving grandparent or step grandparent being there for a child. It’s about love and kindness and I don’t see the problem calling her grandma as that’s what role she will be doing. She has been in your life since you were a child and I think you were being unreasonable to say she would be just ‘jenny’

DHs step dad has been around since DH was 14, he doesn’t call him dad he is xxx, DH has a loving dad who is dad, but his step dad is more of a grandad to my children than their own blood. I’m proud to say he is their grandad and my children would be devastated if they couldn’t call him grandad anymore. Now they are older they obviously know he’s not blood but they would never say he’s not their ‘proper’ grandad or he’s ‘just’ xxx.

Tistheseason17 · 01/03/2020 19:39

OP - in hurting your step mum you have hurt your Dad - and I think that is actually who you're angry at.

He's the one who made little effort with you . Your step mum made loads of effort based on your previous post.

Saying sorry is the right thing. I could not do what you did and think it was ok. My Dad's partner is Nanny.

Rachel1874 · 01/03/2020 19:43

If she is your dads wife then she will be a grandparent... unless you expect her to never be a part of your hypothetical childs life. Which would put your dad in a very awkward position.

aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 01/03/2020 19:44

@EggsandBeans

I've read the rest and your updates. I think you are VERY unreasonable, not just a little bit - VERY. Your anger should be directed at your mother and father, your poor stepmother hasn't done anything wrong!! You're not looking very good in all of this.

Child maintenance stopped when you were 18? So does child benefit. You're an adult. You're capable of being self supportive and independent at 18. And then you're huffed because they didn't take you to Florida in your 20s. How very immature. You say they didn't take you on holiday, yet provided you with 'a week away' from your mother.

Grow up. Apologise to both your SM and your dad and take a good, hard look at the root cause of this and address it from there. Your poor Stepmother is NOT the issue here.