SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

Poor Jenny. It very much seems that she is a lovely woman and you have made her your emotional punch bag.

My mum remarried when I was 21 and my son was 6 months old. They met when I was 16. I have always called him Fred, but in reference its Dad. I give fathers day cards, birthday cards to Dad and Christmas cards to mum and dad. My son is now 33 and Fred is granddad. Always has been and always will be. Even before they married he was granddad. Not once has he even said I'm not blood or not his child when there have been family rows. He calls me his daughter and I absolutely love him to bits as do my sons.

For reference my "real" father was still around until 2014 when he passed, he was dad/granddad too.

You may have felt that you wouldn't want her to be granny no. 2 but you should have kept that to yourself
I can see why she's hurt with you

Totally agree with previous posters about your SM making more of an effort with you than your actual parents.

Also, someone doesn't have to be your blood relation to have a warm and supportive grandparent-like relationship with your children.

My kids were absolutely blessed to have my Dad's new partner in their lives, as she gave them bucketloads of love and fun. If I'd been cold and particular about who could be 'Granny' and who couldn't, we would all (including me!) have missed out on a wonderful relationship. Please build some bridges OP!

I would feel so hurt in your SM shoes. My GD call my ex husband Pappy even though he’s my sons SF, and they call a friend of Ex DIL family Pappy too. You’re basically telling her you don’t think of her as family. YABVU. She’s the woman your DD loves and you should apologise and change your mind because it’s such a small thing but massive in terms of family.

You don't even have to particularly like your SM, if it's a case of you just being different people, but you can be a grown up and examine the issues here (and hopefully realise that none of them appear to actually be your SMs fault), and as such just act civil and respectful. Honestly who cares if this woman gets called Nana Jenny or whatever. Is it really a hill you want to die on and fall out with your family over?

It was said with every intention of hurting your SM for your perceived mistreatment by her though. That much is completely clear.

I've been a step-mum to my step-kids (now almost grown) since they were very young. While their half siblings didn't come on the scene for a long time, making having holidays with just them etc much easier, it's not always been possible to have holiday all of us together every single time since.

So when you say your SM excluded you from 'family' holidays, what do you mean by that? Do you know it was a conscious decision meant to keep you out of the family unit, or is it possible that there might have been other considerations that had nothing to do with rejecting you?

Do you think you had a God-given right to be included in ALL their holidays? I say this as someone who's always been more than happy to push for my husband to be able to spend more time with his kids etc (not that I should get a medal, it's pretty basic IMO but just to point out I'm not some horrible SM!).

You profess indifference towards her and I would say 2 things:

1. Indifference can be a lot more harmful than active rejection, and you need to consider the fact that YOU rejected her first

2. Given that you've had digs at her in the past, I'm not sure you're all that indifferent anyway...

FWIW I wouldn't expect any of my step-kids' children, if they had any, to call me Granny.

Granny GlowFrog would be nice but I'd totally be fine with being just GF, too.

But I'd urge you to reconsider your version of events in your relationship with her.

Wow op is getting all the hats but I'm with you op as someone there. I have two kids and I'm currently not talking to my dad because he threw a fit that his wife/my aunt (yes you read that right) isn't going to be nanny or granny. My mum is nanny and husbands mum is granny. I tried to find a compromise but nope... Had to be nanny. She is not my mother. She was a vile evil person who was passively aggressive to me and my sister. I have tried to reach out and be kind and all that but nope. I would sit at Christmas and get given stuff I was allergic to. They would give my cousin a new games console. When my sister couldn't afford to pay for fuel to get to work after he had forced us screaming to get my cousin a "bigger and better present each" when both struggling after taking time off between jobs to spend time with our dying grandad and asked for some help he told us he could only offer her 10 pounds. Next week he buys my cousin a new washing machine and after that an impulsive expensive holiday.

I get it op. I have been between two fighting parents and you get used by them both as a tool to get what they want. Or revenge. Been there.

My step mother /queen of evil /aunt is not nanny. That's my fucking mum. She raised me and you didn't. You were vile. My dad is not a Saint nor my mum but yea... If you want to be a cow, don't expect the nice rewards to pretend you are a happy family.

My sister hasn't talk to him for ten years and as of this week it has been a year. For years I tried to defend them all with even my therapist saying that they were abusive and evil.

I would have written it similar but yea I know where you are. Want to build bridges, offer a compromise of a nickname but setting healthy boundaries and sticking to them is something many people do not do and don't realise is healthy.

You are in the right as it sounds very much like me. I was also not taken on holiday because I "lived with my broke mum" but they would jet set off two or three times a year even taking my adult sister. My birthday from 14 was forgotten as it was their anniversary or I would be lucky to get a gift card.

Kicker...i was the one that reached out to my dad straight away after he left my mum for her. The first one to try to welcome her in and only got yelled and screamed at.

Op I bet it is similar from how you are righting. It is the ongoing micro transgressions. She put you in a "not family" box... You are respecting that.

OP I agree that family relationships can be complicated, and that you aren't as close to SM as you are your DM, I guess you have to put yourself in her shoes, she may not feel the same about you, she might really feel that she is close to you and be deeply upset that you don't see her the same way? Or it could be as simple as her pride is hurt, either way I think just apologise and have an open conversation about how you have felt marginalised over the years by her and your dad, that way you are showing the reason why you felt this way and didn't really expect her to want to have the role of grandma?

Yes you were in the wrong, you excluded her from something that hasn't even happened yet, showing her that she means nothing to you, most people would call it spiteful, and just so you know, a child can never have enough love from a grandparent, biological or marital.

My Grandad was my Dad's stepdad but 100% my G. I'd have really missed out if my Dad chose to exclude him. He never saw me as anything other than his granddaughter and I'm very, very thankful for that. You might need to have a think about what this person means to you and what your children would want later down the line.

You have complained about not being involved in family holidays at the same time as saying you don't see her as family!

You need to recognise the confused signals you are giving out. She is responding as I think most would, given the messages you have obviously communicated over the years.

It seems you have not made much of an effort to build a relationship with her and you can't expect to be close to your Stepsisters, if you ignore/are slightly hostile to their DM.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of issues you haven't dealt with. I am sure you understood when you said that that it would hurt her, and I'm sure the real blow for her was starkly confronting your desire to hurt her. Children never understand how much they mean to the people who care for them. Yes, parents the most, but step parents, grandparents, aunts, too. She may mean nothing to you, but having been there for half your life you will mean a lot to her. And being slapped in the face like that hurts. No one likes to think that someone they love is taking pleasure in hurting them. When you have your own children you will probably understand all this and feel ashamed to have been spiteful to a member of your family. So I think, yes, you should apologise for being unkind and also tell her you are going to do some thinking about why you wanted to hurt her like that.

FWIW, I have stepchildren your age, including a married one thinking of starting a family. I have said I mean to wait and see what the two GMs want to be called and then taking what's not been claimed. There are plenty of options - Grandma, Granny, Nan, Nana, Gram, plus "Grandma Jenny" etc. Tell her you are sorry now, because when you have a child you will want it to be loved and cherished by everyone who is offering.

Lillyringlet there's one huge difference in yours and OPs situation though...

Being that your step mother sounds horrid and OPs, from what she's described, really really doesn't.

It's not even the fact that the SM has to be called granny, nan, nana whatever, it's the fact that the OP clearly said what she said, in the way she did, in order to hurt her SM, who from the OPs own posts, doesn't sound that awful.

Oh dear OP ... you don't come across great in this.

I actually feel sorry and sad towards your stepmom!

@Lillyringlet that sounds awful but it’s not at all the same situation as OP.

Why was this being talked about? It sounds like you're punishing her for things you're upset about without actually trying to resolve them. Two wrongs don't make a right. Have you told her being excluded from holidays upset you? I have a feeling there is more to this. Step relationships are complicated but you said you've always been fine so what's changed? My husbands mum remarried and kind of put on us that he would be called papa. I had reservations but fast forward 6 years and he is the best papa, the kids love him and I've never had anyone tell me its odd because he isn't biologically related. I don't think these things can be premeditated, really sounds like it was brought up to rile her. Be an adult and talk instead of being passive aggressive

@Eggandbeans it’s entirely possible that your hypothetical children will chose what they call her themselves but it’s really no skin off your nose calling her Granny Mary or whatever.
You’re young and have dreams about what it will be like when you have kids. My kids never met my dad because he died before I had kids and if my mum had settled long term with someone new, I’d happily have called them Grandad so and so.
Similarly, my kids have several “aunties” and I am myself and “auntie” of about a dozen children I have no blood relation to.

It takes a village to raise a child.

I wonder how you would feel if you were in her position. I bet you’ve never turned down gifts from her. Grow up and be grateful that your DDs wife cares for you even though you don’t deserve it.

My moms husband will never be known as grandad to my ds although is has a good relationship with my son and he can see him whenever he likes me and my mom fell out over it when I told her but I didn’t back down my moms husband understood completely and he was also the other man and I won’t apologise for it so don’t feel guilty for how you feel it’s your choice x

For what it's worth OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

If anyone is being spiteful she is!!

And I'm sorry you're dad didn't have your back. I don't understand posters saying that you should be have been included on their camping holidays!! You're his daughter! What was he thinking. Selfish man.

OP. What outcome do you want out of all this?
It seems to me that you are in a fork in the road and you need to think ahead to see which fork you want to take and if you will like where it leads you.
Only you know the true situation but given your comments a lot of the pps seem to think that you are being unreasonable to your SM who you have said is normally nice to you but you have some issues about feeling excluded.
It seems you now have to decide what you want to happen next.
You are 30, planning to have a child.. what do you want for that child? as many have said the more people who want to play a loving, supportive part in a child's life, the better.
Its good that you are thinking through how this situation could have come about, but I can't really see much exploration of how you yourself think it can be resolved and what you would like the outcome to be.
Why is that?
At the moment you have the option of talking to SM and perhaps explaining how you feel excluded and listening to how she feels...and apologising for excluding her from something that hasn't even happened yet in a way that has hurt her
or
if you don't have a discussion with them about this issue, it seems you are in danger of gradually excluding yourself and your future child from that branch of the family.
You began this situation, I think the ball is in your court now.
Is there a sensible person who is reasonably neutral and could support you in this decision?

It sounds like you are awful to her OP . I think that the hypothetical conversation was just to hurt her. The statement you made about you making digs at her about not going on family holidays is very telling ... because isnt it's your Dads place to take you away not hers? So shouldn't your digs be at him? ...I think this latest comment is the last straw in a lifetime of hurtful digs you have had at her

Sounds like the thing you are most pissed off about is that your whipping girl has finally had enough of your attitude after 16 years of making an effort to facilitate a relationship between your dad and you, when he couldn't be bothered, and you evidently hate her for no reason. How can you think your dad and sisters can't see your shitty attitude and the effort your SM has put in for it all to be thrown in her face. If she's nothing to you, you are nothing to her. It's then up to your dad and your sister's ( her husband and children) to make the effort with you. I'm willing to bet without her pushing it, they won't bother.

I’m going to be slated for this I can feel it already but I’ve had a few glasses of wine so open mouth/belly rumble is about to happen unfortunately this is what happens with step families. They have their own family df/sm/ss’s and you just happen to be DF daughter.
My DH comes from a split family and I do not Acknowledge his step father at all. When I met my husband 25 years ago his SF was abusive and an alcoholic. His DM managed to get him to leave and we did not even have him at our wedding (he is the father to my DH 2 sisters) to this day he has never been grandad or anything to our DC. I remember when I was young teens (met future husband very young) and this SF of his spoke to me in such a vile way I vowed from that day I wanted nothing to do with him...... and I haven’t for these 25 years.

Awful! My sister went through the same with her sd she won’t let the children call her nanny even though she’s been around since sd was 9 and also not the reason for split it’s so sad and very spiteful if my step son had babies I’d like to be nanny