SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

My mother allowed me to cut contact with my father when he met my SM and this lasted for many months.

When they moved.... My DM was glad as it meant she didn’t have to see my Dad anymore and I didn’t feel I was allowed to be sad about it.

I never had Christmas there until i was an adult because I didn’t know how to ask my DM.

This isn't about your SM at all. This is about you trying desperately to not upset your mother. Your mother has always been bitter about the breakup, and as a result she made you feel bitter about it. She stopped you seeing your dad as soon as he met Jenny. That immediately set Jenny up as the problem in your young mind.

You haven't done things you would have liked to do in order to not upset your mum.

You don't want your mothers grandchild looking to Jenny as anything other than 'Jenny' so as not to upset your mum

Your mum has always been the adult in this situation, and you have always been the child. Your mum, as the adult, should have put her own hurt aside to allow you to have a better relationship with your dad. She didn't, at now at 30 you are still tying yourself in knots, upsetting other people, just so your mum isn't upset.

It's not good enough. I completely understand that you don't want to upset your mum. But upsetting your SM, your dad and your sisters instead isn't the way to go.

And I bet your mum still won't be happy regardless.

Sounds to me like you want to have your cake and eat it I’m afraid. You want to say they are not family but for them to treat you like family when it suits you.

I do get the not blood thing. I have similar views but if you live by those rules you can’t expect that others don’t as well

Your SM comes over as the adult who actually to the most interest in your needs. It’s your parents you should be pissed off with.

I have seen the fallout when parents try to force their children to choose between them and it is still having an impact after the parents have died and the children are in their 50s and 60s.

Get some counselling and recognise that you are not responsible for protecting your DM from the effects of her inability to move on. Nor is your SM responsible for your Dad’s choices.

showed the most

You’re almost 30. A fully grown adult, time for you to realise that your dad has a new life and owes you nothing. You want a holiday, arrange it for yourself.

You are coming across as very entitled and bratty.

The SM seems like the only decent one among you!!

So both your parents handled the split badly, but it’s your SM you resent?

TeamLannister totally agree!!!

You were spiteful , I presume you would want her to treat your child like her own grandchild.
I can understand her hurt tbh

Of the three adults, it sounds as though SM has behaved best. Your unkindness towards her was really unfair. You need to grow up.

Speaking as a SM I expect that having dealt with what seems to have been a lot of bad feeling as best she could, she reacted to the fact that this was now going to be continued with the next generation. It is very tiring dealing with an unhappy ex-partner and one of the benefits of SC reaching adulthood is that is can be easier as the ex is not involved so much. I can understand her not wanting this to carry on in her home, in front of her children. She doesn't sound as if she has been unkind. Perhaps an apology could let you restart on a slightly new footing with her.

From what I can see OP, the issues you are now facing are caused by your own mother. She made you feel like you couldn't have a relationship with your dad and his wife. If she didn't make it uncomfortable for you to approach her about anything related to your dad then none of these problems would exist. I'm not really shocked that your weren't invited on holiday to be honest with this type of dynamics going on in the background. And that's under the assumption that your mum would even have allowed you to go in the first place. I feel sorry for your dad and your SM. I'd be trying to build bridges with your SM and be distancing myself from your mum as that is where all the toxicity is. Also, if you do have a child yourself is this the kind of environment you want them to grow up in and believing is normal.

You don't want your mothers grandchild looking to Jenny as anything other than 'Jenny' so as not to upset your mum

Think about this. You are willing to single out any potential future children you have. You are wiling to set them up as "separate" right from the beginning. You are willing to upset them by telling them they are different to their cousins. That Jenny isn't a "real" nan. You will cause upset to your child by making the different just so your mother isn't upset.

Will you tell your child(ren) that their aunties aren't their "real" aunties, and theat their cousins aren't their "real" cousins?

Your mother actively discouraged a relationship with your dad and his family. And now you are going to try continue drive a wedge between you, your dad, his family and your potential children. All in an effort to please a woman who will never be happy anyway.

Personally l think that as she treated you as an outsider to her family in regards holidays etc... then she can't expect to be suddenly a "family member " to you.

I think send an email/letter/message giving an explanation... with examples of how you were treated to emphasise your reasons behind this decision.

She may then realise how hurt you were as a child and whilst this may seem like "tit for tat"... it isn't, just that you weren't made part of the family and she didn't treat you as her own.... and so you thought she wouldn't want to be a significant figure in any future child of yours, life either

I'm not really shocked that your weren't invited on holiday to be honest with this type of dynamics going on in the background.

There is every chance that your dad asked your mam if you could go, and she refused.
If he has asked you directly and you said you wanted to go (and your dad knew your mam would never allow it) people might feel that he used you to bully your mother.

I have a step daughter. We would never have suggested anything directly to her without first clearing it with her mother first. If her mother said yes, all was good. If her mother said no, SD would never know it had even been suggested.

Oh love, when I read your first post I thought ‘there’s a little girl inside carrying a lot of hurt in this one.’ I know that we’re grown ups but sometimes inside we’re still that 10 year old. Your latest update is exactly what I was expecting.

It sounds as if you’ve bottled up a lot of stuff going back to your parent’s divorce and it’s coming out now as resentment to your stepmum, because it’s easier to blame her than the people who actually did the damage. I think as others have suggested some counselling would be beneficial to try to untangle the knot of resentment. I do think you should apologise to your stepmum for hurting her because it sounds like she could be someone who has tried her best and has reached a point where she can’t deal with being rejected again. It may be you’ll find you have more in common than you think.

I think send an email/letter/message giving an explanation... with examples of how you were treated to emphasise your reasons behind this decision.

This might be a good idea, OP, but if that's the way you play it expect to hear things about your mother, your childhood and your upbringing that you didn't know, and might not be ready to hear yet.

If I was the SM I would absolutely dish out everything.
I would bet my house that yeh OPs mother was a bitter birth mum and they've had to dance to her tune. And I would spill the lot. And then block Op.

@FourDecades the SM has done no such thing. She has been very good and tried very hard with the OP. Not treated her like an outsider at all.

Personally l think that as she treated you as an outsider to her family in regards holidays etc... then she can't expect to be suddenly a "family member " to you.

OP declined going on camping trips. The trip that she was "excluded" from was Florida when she was in her mid-late 20s and was told she could come if she paid for her place which is fair enough imo

Time you gave your SM the credit she deserves OP, sounds like she did her best and it's been thrown back in her face.

It wouldn't kill you to show her a little kindness.

My parents divorced and remarried, so my DCs have 3 grannys and 3 grandpas. However, one of my siblings decided that the two non-blood grandparents would be known by his DCs as aunt and uncle.

We all thought that it was totally weird and divisive. If you want them to love all of the grandchildren as their own, then you need to give them equal billing as family.

It sounds to me as though you have deep resentment and this is how it is coming out. Maybe a bigger conversation is needed.

And it's likewise not up to you to dictate how your future children view your SM.

My stepmum was adamant she would never be known as a grandma to my kids, the kid's absolutely adore her though and refer to her as Grandma Hername and she adores them in return and refers to them as her grandchildren.

It took nothing away from the relationship they had with my mum (passed away) and to be honest, the more loving grandparents they have around them the better. Kids do not have a finite amount of love to be given only to those you deem worthy.

They always paid my DM maintenance until I was 18 but since then the money I have has only been birthday and xmas.

What money do you think other over 18s get from their parents?

You’ve been so nasty to her for no reason.
I’d bet my bottom dollar that you carry on like this, then are on MN in a few years complaining your stepmum doesn’t treat your child the same as her other grandchildren!!