SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

I completely agree with PPs about your last update and @MitziK has it bang on.

Wow, OP. Read your last post back - the only person that comes off well in it is your SM. Your mum actively encouraged you to resent and distance yourself from that side of the family, to the point they only expected minimal contact with you. Your dad didn't make an effort to contact you. Your SM, who you openly admit you hated at worst and were ambivalent towards at best so was dealing with that resentment feon you, consistently made an effort with you. She's the only one who did. It's so obvious it's painful to read.

I would really recommend getting a few therapy sessions to help you move on from the feelings that are still swirling around you from adolescence.

It feels like you have erroneously blamed everything on you SM when all 3 parents were part of the difficulties you faced,
Unpicking this with a professional will help you move on, and will help you be a better parent too.

Your update makes you sound a lot worse, not better.
Fact is, you said a spiteful, hurtful thing to a woman who by your own version of events, seems to have been nothing but nice to you (your mother, however, sounds like she’s got a lot to answer for), and you are refusing to apologise for the hurt you’ve caused.
She is well within her rights to say she doesn’t want someone so hurtful in HER home.
I would seriously recommend some counselling before you get pregnant and the way you have been parented starts to impact on the way you parent - because as an adult, you’re acting like a bit of a brat.

She thought we were close and that’s where the problem lies but that’s not my fault.....

You could have tried to diffuse her shock by explaining that you appreciate the effort that she has made over the years. Your update paints a lovely woman who's much more concerned about you than your own parents. You talk about long chats, visits from Cornwall, texts.... these are the things that usually create a strong bond between 2 people but due to your mum poisoning you, you can't see that your stepmother is really kind and has made much more effort than your parents. I'm shocked that you can be so cold - "don't care" etc which is how my teenagers react to things that are complex like their relationship to their Dad )we're divorced)
Normally parents don't give money to kids who are in full-time employment so the birthday/Xmas only thing is fine. I think that you need some counselling to realise that there's no amount of money that will fix the pain that your parents inflicted on you. They were selfish and it's a shame that you can't see the kindness of the person who acted more of a parent towards you than your actual parents. I suspect that she's really upset that you can't see how hard she's tried.
I think it's bizarre that you feel no empathy towards an upset person. Even though you're technically right about the blood thing, it's shocking that you feel nothing towards someone who's invested lots of time and effort into you. That must be very upsetting for your dad as well as SM.
It's pretty strange that you didn't think that this argument would affect your relationship with your Dad and sisters. You are basically acting like your mum and trying to get them to pick you over their mum/wife. If you want good long-term relationships with them you need to treat your stepmother with more kindness. You don't need to love her but I suspect that without her you'd be in a much weaker relationship with your Dad.

Oh OP. I hope this thread is a trigger for you to recover from your childhood abandonment and struggle with handling your and your mums emotions.
You should be mad at your dad if anyone. Your poor stepmother, it sounds like she’s tried so hard. I’m so sorry you feel so rejected.

Hi OP
I think it was mean natured.
If you get on and you want to be part of their family unit you need to be kind and affectionate too.
You've told her she's not important and you don't care.
That's the situation you've created so carry on as you are if that's ok with you.
If not, reflect on it , find your feelings and apologise and move on.
I live my sons gf . She's mum to my grandson. She's not ' my blood' but I respect and love her.

From your update it sounds very much like your mum had a negative influence over your relationship with your dad and stepmum - you were allowed to cool your relationship with dad and am because it suited your mum, you never had a Xmas with dad because you couldn't raise it with your mum...

Your stepmum has been good to you by the sounds of it but you are blaming her and punishing her for the decisions and mistakes that your mum and dad made. SM had no say over decisions that your mum and dad made about you.

My DH has a stepdad who came into his life as an older teen. He's never been dad to my DH, but they have a brilliant relationship. He is however very much grandad to my children and none of us would have it any other way. I think it's sad that you would choose to let your child miss out on a relationship with someone who seemingly has been a good person in your life.

I feel really sorry for your SM. She has done absolutely nothing wrong at all. Having read your last update you sound very messed up and I think your DM has a huge part to play in that. I wonder what all thise other shots that you have aimed at your SM were? Clearly she has reached her breaking point and your DF is supporting her. Maybe he is supporting her because he knows how much effort he put in.

She not he

I agree with your PPs that this goes back to the way to your parents' acrimonious divorce, and they're the ones you should blame, not your SM, who has tried so hard and, according to your own account, thought you were close.

I really empathise with her, because I can easily imagine how hurt my DSis would have been if her DSS had spoken to her like that. (She'd have forgiven him, though.)

Why would the subject even come up about whether your SM would be 'Granny' or not, when there might not even be a baby as the result of IVF? (I didn't end up with a baby hence we adopted our DDs.)

Your update makes me feel so sorry for your stepmother. When you were writing that post did you think that the stories would support your point of view and make her look bad? Because it's absolutely the opposite and shows how twisted your opinion of her is. Your mum sounds bitter and cruel and now, at 30 years old, you are still spewing this bile against a woman who has done nothing to you.

Please get therapy and work through this misplaced anger about your dad 'abandoning' you. It will poison your whole life.

It sounds like your SM would be a lovely Granny to your DC as well. Your actions could cut them off from your DF's side of the family and how sad that would be.

OP, I get that step families are hard - trust me, I know - but what went on when you were a teenager, any perceived slights etc, need to be re-reviewed with your adult head on.

As someone who had step parents on both sides as a step child I know it's very hard being accepted into a 'new' family by someone who isn't your parent, and tensions and frictions are always going to happen, especially when other kids get involved. I butted heads against my step mum and step dad all the time as a teenager but as an adult, in my 30s, I can look back and appreciate it was difficult for everyone at the time, and as adults we've moved on and now all get on.

Having said that, your dad has been with this woman for a long time, and it sounds like she's done her best to include you. I can imagine why she's hurt you're insisting that any potential children you may have call her by her name, and not by a grandparent-esque title. Ultimately it's your choice, but would it be that bad if you compromise and use a variation of names between the grandparents/step grandparents?

You could have granny, grandma, gran, nana, grandpa, grandad, gramps etc etc. I 'named' my four parents out of a combination of these and everyone was happy because I didn't differentiate between my biological parents and step parents; everyone in my child's eyes is a grandparent, and I suspect your step mum is upset that you've singled her out and don't consider her as family. In this case, you can't blame your dad for supporting his wife. If there are further, deep seated issues with you dad and step mum then that's something you'll have to deal with, but in the meantime I suspect an apology is due.

OP, from what you say, it sounds like you've projected virtually all of your hurt and anger over your family situation onto this woman since your teenage years. If you want to apportion blame, I think it would be more accurate to look to your father and mother. They were the ones responsible for your welfare after all, but it's just easier and less painful to blame everything on her than have to confront your true feelings and the fact that your parents let you down.

I don’t remember HOW the subject of my potential child came up as it was a fairly insignificant conversation to me UNTIL I was told I’d apparently been hurtful. I don’t see why I should apologise for something that SM has blown up out of proportion and made all about her. It’s her problem.

The answer to "her problem" (which is actually your problem now as much as anyone's since it's got you excluded from their house) lies in there somewhere. You're glossing over it, which people tend to do when they know they've done wrong but they don't really care to admit it.

You say it was "insignificant" - to you maybe - but you've already said you don't care about her feelings. You said something hurtful, you don't care, and you've shown her as much. That's why she won't have you in the house.

I think you'd benefit from some counselling OP. I don't think it's healthy for you to be bottling up all this hurt and animosity.

All of your issues are with your parents, honestly.

I spent my teenage years resenting my step mother for very similar reasons to you, but honestly it should have been my dad I was cross with. HE treated his daughters differently and didn't invite you on the family holidays. HE didn't make you feel as though you could move in with them. HE was a shit dad, not your step mum, your dad.

Apologise to your SM for being a brat and saying things just to hurt. You need to address your historic issues with your father if you want to move past them.

I'm sorry to say this, OP, but I have no sympathy or empathy for you at all. And lots for your SM.

If you can't see how unfair you are being then prepare never to see your dad again. Your SM has done nothing wrong.

Oh gosh what a mess op.

I’m sorry you’re getting a hard time o. Her with posters calling you a brat, because it sounds to me as if you did t really have the best example of mature behaviour demonstrated to you by your fighting parents and their acrimonious split. Do you think you might have been used as a pawn by your mother at some points? She has done a terrible job of hiding her resentment at your df for marrying a (much younger) woman and unsurprisingly, you’ve fallen for her standpoint. This is perhaps not surprising; she was the most influential adult in your life as you grew up, and your father’s actions of moving away completely justified her rather twisted view on him being the bad guy. That he moved away and pretty much ‘gave up’ on you and opted for the easy option of not fighting more for you is pretty reprehensible too, but he wouldn’t have wanted the rift between you to get worse thus he was right to steer away from the drama.

A close family member of mine who’s just a few years younger than you has gone through very similar. Her parents split up acrimoniously when she was young. Her df married another woman when she was 13 and her df and sm have gone o. To have their own small family. In all the years her ‘d’m has been drop feeding poison into her ear about the horrific stepmum, who has by far had the worse deal. She’s really tried with her sd, but it’s hard to force a bond between a teenager and an adult with no shared history. Thankfully said daily member has healed the rifts between herself and her df and sm but it’s taken a lot of pain and I picking of the past.

I wish you luck op but please try to re establish a relationship with your sm. it must be hard to love someone who’s ‘forced’ upon you so don’t expect that of yourself, but maybe try to meet up with her and communicate with her independently if anyone else, and see if a new, ‘grown-up’ relationship can be established, moving forward. Oh, and get some counselling x

They always paid my DM maintenance until I was 18 but since then the money I have has only been birthday and xmas. My sisters get lots spent on them for presents and it's justified by me also having another parent to buy me gifts.

This is a really weird comment too. You're 29, what are you expecting, pocket money? When else would they give you gifts?

Sorry for typos. Autocorrect is a scourge.

Sounds like you have been through the ringer op. Not surprised you feel bad. I would go to therapy and try to work through some of these feelings . I’d see how it pans out and you may be able to express some of these feelings to sm, dad and mum at some point . Wish you the best

As someone else mentioned, I bet good money on your Dad/SM taking a lot of shit from your mum that you don't know about. I speak as an adult who's gone through a divorce and there's often a lot of anger and resentment on both sides. That's why you rejecting SM's efforts over the years and refusing to feel any empathy will sting.

Your feelings towards SM were understandable when you were a teenager but you're an adult and should be able to look back at things with a clearer head and see that SM was actually great and made more of an effort than your mum and Dad.

I feel very sorry for your step mother. She sounds like she’s done everything she could to be as good as she can to you. Your hang ups and issues come from the fact that your father moved away and found the happy family you always wanted while your mother probably delighted in the fact that they were so far away and probably encouraged you to feel left out, rather than encouraging you to visit. I think that (and probably the ivf hormones) are making you focus on the fact you were left out of the Florida holiday- when really you were a well grown up woman on the brink of starting her own family, so not at the age where you’d be included on a Disney type holiday with younger kids.

I do think your issues are making you direct your anger at your stepmother rather than your parents. You keep saying all this wouldn’t have happened if she wasn’t here, but it probably would’ve anyway as your mother and father don’t sound like they’d have been civil or worked together to help you grow up even if they lived closer.

Re the grandmother thing. I’m a stepmum, my stepson calls me my name, I’d not really expect to be called granny if he has children, but I’d be incredibly hurt if he announced “you won’t be granny because you’re not a real relative” or something along those lines. Especially well before there’s even a baby on the scene!! It would have been better to have waited for the baby to arrive and say “here’s grandad and Jenny” if that’s what you prefer. No need to have metaphorically slapped her in the face with a comment like that beforehand. And of course your dad should stand up for her. You’re still his daughter, and always will be, but you’re no longer his child, and should know when you’re being rude and hurtful. If my stepson started throwing “you’re only my dad’s wife” type comments around after I’ve given 16 years of my life to caring for him and loving him, I’d probably end up saying “Enough! I’ve tried. He’s a grown up now, if that’s the way he wants it, so be it”.

This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd (Dad) and DSs (half sisters)

I actually missed this when reading your original post because I was confused over your use of DD and DS for father and sisters.

You cannot be that deluded to think that your father and half sisters won’t have their own opinions and feelings about how you treat his wife/their mother. More so your half sisters.

Do you believe that your behaviour will have no consequences at all because, to you, it is between you and your SM? That is not how things work. I’m still struggling to get past the fact you are 30 years old.

You sound like an absolute nightmare to deal with.

But you blame your stepmother because it's easier to blame someone removed rather than your own parents.

Absolutely. I can’t see what your stepmum has done wrong? Your parents have each done lots of things you could be angry with them for, but you seem determined to blame her.

Imagine if you spent years making more effort building a relationship with someone that their own parent only for them to turn round and say you mean nothing to them. And for them to not even care that you found that hurtful.

YABVU.

As someone else mentioned, I bet good money on your Dad/SM taking a lot of shit from your mum that you don't know about.

I agree. In addition I bet mum was very good at dripping poison into ops ear about her dad and step mum too.