SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

Your SM came into your life when you were 13. I'd say this is the worst age possible for both of you in terms of easy acceptance of each other. As a SM myself I can confirm it's a very difficult role to get right. I love my SD unconditionally but realise that I need to give love without expecting it in return. This was sometimes hard during her adolescence when my children, her SS were young. She didn't come on holiday with us all the time but this was nothing to do with me. Something worked out between her DM & DF & school dates. I am grateful for every time my SD has showed me that our relationship matters to her. She asked me what I would like her daughter to call me. I said I didn't mind but we settled on granny and I couldn't be happier. I have been so lucky that although she has felt trauma as a result of her parents' breakup, she has embraced being part of an extended family. Living close by & seeing each other regularly has helped a lot though and we really are a close family. When did your DF choose to move so far away? I think this must have been so hard for you. We SM's have to suck up a lot of other's resentment. An open & honest conversation with a desire to understand the other POV would achieve so much more than unsubtle digs which hurt like hell. For the sake of your future children don't close the door on anyone who can add a layer of love to their lives not to mention holidays by the sea

Whilst you don't have to be close to your SM, I'm not sure it was very kind to outright stated she wouldn't be a granny. I wouldn't have personally unless I was totally sure she had no inclination to be 'granny'. Perhaps you didn't realise it was important to her? In any event, I think you should apologise. Not because you necessarily think you're wrong but because you've evidently upset her and by extension your Dad.

That said, my DD has numerous sets of grandparents - my parents, ex's parents + both their new partners, ex's wife + both her parents & their partners.. it gets mighty complicated and confusing for children.... DD isn't close with SM even 10 years down line and sees her similar to how you describe (i.e. Dad's wife). She doesn't feel any connection at all with the various extended grandparents either, only my parents & DH's Mum and Dad.Truthfully, DD's been pretty resentful at times of being made to call all of them granny esp as she barely sees them more than once every couple of years. I can acknowledge how she feels but that doesn't excuse being unkind. Over the years, I've made it clear to DD (still a child) that I won't accept her being thoughtless or inconsiderate in the way she treats any of them regardless of how she might feel. We don't treat anyone that way, for whatever reason.

She thought we were close and that’s where the problem lies but that’s not my fault.....

Nor is it hers. It sounds like she tried her best and now sees that you really disliked her. Poor woman.

She really does sound like she’s been a very good SM. No wonder she’s so hurt.

I'm so sorry for the sadness and emotional trauma you suffered as a child.

But you are taking this out on the wrong person.

Read your last post. From that it is your DM who has a great deal to answer for. And your Dad. But it's so much easier to blame your SM I suppose....

Time to stop blaming. You're a grown up now. Take control. Get some help with your feelings. Move on. Choose life and a good life. Say sorry to your SM who you have hurt.

She thought we were close and that’s where the problem lies but that’s not my fault.....

If this is what she thinks, even if its not the case surly you can understand the hurt you've caused? Someone thinking they have a close relationship and then being told something like this would hit you hard it would be quite brutal to hear. There's nothing worse than finding out someone you think your close to doesn't feel the same it really does hurt. You really do need to fix this and clear the air.

Fair enough but you haven’t made those trade offs for your own children. Parents don’t do that

I have an adult stepdaughter. Our oldest child is 14. (10 year age gap). Our children have never ever ever been "away" on holiday. Ever. My stepdaughter has been on a foreign holiday most years since I've known here and has been as far a field as Florida.

We have never been able to afford that, so have never done it. As a result SD has never been on holiday with us. Ever.. Because other than a week in a holiday home somewhere, that she'd have no interest in going to, we haven't been on holiday. And we decided on that trade off for our own children because I decided to be a stay at home parent. Which meant less money coming in, so nothing to spare for luxuries.

My SD is now mid 20s. I have a lovely relationship with her. (Maybe even better than her dad! We also moved away, at her Dad's suggestion, when she was a teenager to the area I'm from).

You simply don't know the intricacies of the relationships when you were growing up. You don't know what decision we're made for what reasons. You can choose to continue acting like a stroppy teen vying for your dad's attention. Or you can realise that you and your SM are now both adults. Hopefully, some day soon, you will both be mothers. You are an adult now. It's time to stop thinking you are "the child" in this situation. You haven't been "the child" for 10 years.

My husbands step mum was the OW. He left to live with her and moved away.
My husband was very resentful for a while, dad took step family Florida etc, but she was still granny when we had kids. Why? Because it costs absolutely nothing! It is a kindness that costs you nothing. It's just a name. Like calling my best friend auntie. It doesn't matter, why are you being spiteful and sour over nothing?? YABU and throwing your toys out the pram. Get a grip.

I've just seen your update, OP, and unfortunately your mother has a lot to do with how you feel and your exclusion. When your Dad met your SM your mam encouraged (she didn't "allow", she encouraged) you to stop contact. I'd say your SM has had to put up with abuse from your mother or at the very least her making life difficult for everyone.

A lot of what haapened as a child was down to your mother's behaviour. Your Dad could've/should've put up more of a fight, but that might have only made things worse for everyone.

Your parents failed you.
But you blame your stepmother because it's easier to blame someone removed rather than your own parents.

Don't let history repeat itself with your own child. Don't teach your child to dislike someone. Don't keep your child from a side of their family because you don't like a person (for no real reason).

Don't be that mother who ruins potential good relationships for your own child with people who love them just because you're jealous.

There were times growing up that I was just by decisions the adults around me made. I would often (wrongly) assume it was my stepmum. However, as an adult I was able to see these issues for what they were and not still as a 13 year old kid. OP sounds like she's still 13.

*hurt

You are definitely taking it all out on the wrong person.

I seriously think you need to speak to a counsellor to unpick all this. The people who let you down were your own parents not your SM. She seems to have tried her best and you've chucked it all back at her.

If you don't try and get help with your feelings this is going to be unfixable.

Sounds like your mother and father are the ones who have been a bit shit here - your mother encouraging/approving of you not visiting, of you hating a woman whose only offence was falling in love with a divorced man, not sorting out regular contact, being happy that he'd moved away, not asking or encouraging you to spend Christmas with them (although if you were as vocal about hating SM as much as I suspect, why would it even cross anybody's mind that you wanted to be there?)

Regarding their moving to her home - why would they stay on the offchance that a teenager might change her mind? You didn't even want to go on holiday with them (until years later when the pound signs flashed up). Not forgetting there's a good chance that your mother could have been quite vocal behind the scenes about how much you despised the woman/the girls were nothing to you.

This woman also appears to have made more effort for you than your own father - talking to you, messaging, trying to form a supportive and caring relationship despite the anger of your mother, the ineffectualness of your father and your utter hatred of her.

But no, she's nothing to you and she's nothing to a future child.

Is this a reverse?

With your most recent update it sounds like the two people that you should be angry at are your father and your mother (who also behaved terribly by the sounds of it), the one person that seems to have made an effort is your step mum. It's not her fault your parents broke up, it's not her fault that you don't like her, it's not her fault that you didn't do Christmas with them because you were too worried about your mums reaction. You keep whining about how things are not your fault, as if this somehow justifies you being a bitch to your step mum and behaving how you want, well things aren't her fault either so you really can't blame her for getting to the point where she reflects your behaviour back to you

From that latest update id actually your own mother is partly to blame also!

Op, its sounds like you should be mad at you mum and, perhaps, your dad.not your SM who appears to have tried her best.

Your mum wanted you to cut contact and likely encouraged his move. Your mum wanted him gone and not to have contact with you. You didnt have Christmas because you didnt want to hurt your mum. You wouldnt have gone to florida had they gone when you are young, because your mum wouldnt have allowed it. It's possible your dad asked if you would be allowed to go on the holidays and your mum said no. Your dad didnt ask you as to not cause issues.

Me and my children's dad are not together. I dont buy the kids the same amount of presents for birthdays etc that I did when I was with their dad

So if we used to spend (for example) £200 on their birthday i know spend £100 an do does their dad. If i had kids with dp, i would spend £200. Because that's the same £100 from each parent for each child.

You wanted the equivalent of £200 and you dad and step mum. Where their kids got £200, full stop.

From what you are staying, most of the reason you werent included in most things was because of your mum. And now you are an adult. As an adult its normal to pay for yourself.

You have gone out of you way to hurt and continue to hurt the one parent figure, who actually really hasnt done anything.

Your children and your sisters' children will be cousins. If you encourage allow your child to view and treat your SM differently to how their cousins will view her you are the one setting your child up to be excluded. Just as your mother done.

You are now living with the consequences of spiteful decisions made by the adults in your life at a time when you didn't really have a choice.

You have a choice now. Don't perpetuate the same mistakes.

OP, you do sound very immature. From your update, it doesn’t seem like your SM has done anything towards you at all to warrant your treatment of her. It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved emotions around your own parents which you are taking out on your SM. You can’t expect your SM to put up with that forever.

My Dads home should always be open to me

It seems like you are still testing your father to see how important you are to him. If you are rude to someone, I don’t understand how you can expect to be welcome in their home. You are 30 years old. I personally, after much life experience, wouldn’t chose to have a relationship with someone who was so resentful and jealous. It is very draining and tiring.

Jealously isn’t something which diminishes with age. It is incredibly toxic. You will find that people with good boundaries will eventually withdraw from you.

I think counselling would be good for you.

That your SM has been okay in certain points of your life does not mean she should get granny status. No need to actually voice it though, but you should always go with what you feel comfortable with, and if you don’t want her to have the label of grandma than that’s absolutely your choice, and no one else’s. Why should you just fall in with what others expectations are? Being a step daughter brings about a lot of compromises during your life, and sometimes you have to focus on what you want and what you feel comfortable with.

it’s your dad you should be pissed off at. Honestly it is.

You’ve missed him growing up and your still missing him now.

In a healthy parent and child relationship when the child turns in to an adult - they want to cut the strings and be self sufficient adult. You still need to be treated as a child because you never got that healthy relationship with your dad.

It really isn’t your SM fault. She is just the symbol of your dad moving his priority away from you.

You’ve put so much of a wall around yourself regarding your SM you can’t see that what you have done has effected other people so much.

She actually sounds ok.

Yabu- that's very hurtful.

I feel even more sorry for SM after reading your latest post.
She sounds lovely.

You sound like a spoiled ADULT brat.

You say you don’t know how it came up in conversation... yes you do. I would bet my money on the fact you deliberately said it to get a reaction and to upset her.

You need to apologise and possibly get some counselling.

Also your anger should firmly be directed at your mother, she has played a massive part in trying to alienate you from your dad and his wife

Your update really paints you and your mother as appalling vindictive immature and spiteful people.

Again. You're going through IVF. There may never be a child. But you're deciding to nuke this entire family out of your life.
Because your sisters will stand by their mum over you.
When they have children there will be a big family. That you won't be apart of.

And you may just end up with your mother. I bet she'd be so happy.

Your update makes her sound better and you sound worse.

Reverse?