SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

My DM remarried when my DD was 2. I have never considered my DMP my SF but he is my DD grandad. They have the most amazing relationship.
I have been a SM for 10 years and am not particularly close to my SC (lots of different reasons) despite them being here every other weekend etc. If and when they have children I would be extremely hurt if they didn't consider me as a grandparent. We haven't chosen to exclude them from holidays because we didn't want them. We just can't afford to take them whilst paying a large mortgage so they have a room here and paying maintenance to support then at their DM. Some choices are financial rather than emotional.

We haven't chosen to exclude them from holidays because we didn't want them. We just can't afford to take them whilst paying a large mortgage so they have a room here and paying maintenance to support then at their DM. Some choices are financial rather than emotional

Fair enough but you haven’t made those trade offs for your own children. Parents don’t do that. Stepparents might. It’s fine but it means you are not acting as a parent. And consequently may not get to be ‘grandma’.

Fair enough but you haven’t made those trade offs for your own children. Parents don’t do that

Well no but parents of a together family dont have to pay maintenance and pay for kids at 2 homes. Whats your point?

OP, I know you don't feel you've said anything wrong but surely you can acknowledge that your step mum was hurt by what you said and that you're sorry for that? That's not admitting that you were wrong it's just recognising the impact it had on her.

That would be the adult thing to do and honestly it doesn't seem like you're acting in a very adult way at the moment.

I get that, I had a stepdad growing up that I hated and I always felt excluded from their lives. I resented him for that but that was probably easier than accepting that actually my parent is the one who should have been putting me first, keeping me in their life etc.

You're 30 but when it comes to this dynamic with dad and stepmum you're maybe taken back to that earlier rejection and hurt.

I've got a relative with a crap dad who went on to parent more children in a far more hands on and involved way. He's got a brilliant relationship with the younger kids and much as she loves her siblings, she is resentful that he couldn't get his shit together for her.

A PP has suggested some counselling and that sounds like a good idea.

I do think you should say sorry for hurting stepmum's feelings though, if only to try and smooth things over. IVF is stressful enough without adding family drama.

Yes @sleepingpup I agree. Saying She’s always been good to me then being so unkind to SM with unnecessary, hurtful comments and making 'subtle' shots is not something I'd want to admit to.

OP, perhaps your dad sees that you've been deliberately unkind to his wife and finds it unacceptable. Maybe he doesn't want you at their house now either.

If you were a child I would have told you not to say unkind things. I think you are (maybe subconsciously) returning what you see at her deliberate exclusion of you from family holidays. You did bring that up in your original post.
It depends if you want any possible future child of yours to live in harmony or conflict. I would find a way to apologise for hurting your SM and try to move forward. Otherwise your life is about to get ultra complicated.

What you don’t seem to realise OP , is that it’s not just your Dads house , it’s the home he shares with his wife
You’ve upset his wife and he , rightfully is supporting her
You need to apologise to his wife all you need to say is , I’m sorry , I didn’t mean to upset you

Fair enough but you haven’t made those trade offs for your own children. Parents don’t do that. Stepparents might. It’s fine but it means you are not acting as a parent. And consequently may not get to be ‘grandma’.

So by making these 'trade offs', does that mean that you don't think the OPs dad was acting as a parent either, so shouldn't get to be called grandad?

Thanks all for your input. I truly didn’t say it to hurt her.

But here's the thing. You didn't intend to hurt her but you obviously did hurt her. If you really hadn't meant to hurt her, you would have apologised and put it right. Apologies shouldn't only be for intentionally hurting someone's feelings but unintentional hurt. What you said was at the very least insensitive, and the fact that you don't realise it does make you sound pretty immature.

My DSis is a stepmum. Her DSS, who was 9 years old when she got together with his dad, has a very good relationship with her, as she was his primary carer during his teenage years. (His mum moved away with her new partner.) He calls my DSis by her first name but calls my DM 'Granny' like his younger siblings do. And now he's married and has 2 small DC of his own, and my DSis is treated like another Granny.

I can imagine that she would have been hurt at such a declaration and my DBIL would have been very unimpressed. (I can't imagine him saying anything like that, though.) Having said that, I can't imagine my DSis banning anyone from her house, although there clearly isn't as much water under the bridge as there is between you and your SM.

It would surely have been better not to even say what you did? Especially since you're not even pregnant as yet (although hopefully you will be soon).

OP, I agree with others that you are blaming your stepmum for stuff which your dad is more to blame for. Of course that's natural, it is simply easier to blame someone you instinctively feel is an outsider. But it isn't reasonable.

However, I actually think that your stepmum was totally unreasonable to assume she would be granny. She isn't your parent and hasn't behaved like a parent, so why should she be granny to your DC? It is her own expectation which has caused her to be hurt. Tbh, I'd go with a non-apology to keep the peace.

I'd also consider counselling though, and probably go low contact with both DF and stepmum. Do they actually add anything to your life?

I think you're being loyal to your DM and that's okay. If my DC have kids I don't see why my XHs new partner gets to be Granny.

If she wanted to have a relationship with your DC telling you you can't come to the house is a funny way of showing it. She definitely won't now.

By "non-apology" I mean "I'm sorry you are upset" rather than "I'm sorry for what I said". But (presumably) that is true. You stand by your decision that she won't be granny, but you would far rather it didn't upset her so much.

I think an actual apology would be better: “Im sorry I upset you the other weekend” not some half arsed non-apology.

Perfect

Ah!

The "non-apology" which blames the person who has been hurt for having feelings.

She isn't your parent and hasn't behaved like a parent

How do you know she hasn't behaved (or at least tried to) behave like a parent @PerfectParrot?

If it's the holiday situation, surely the OPs dad is equally, if not more responsible? (Apologies if the OP had said something else that I've missed).

Lots of people are saying that OP is an adult but sometimes with parents people get stuck in a pattern of behaviour that's formed in childhood and can't easily move past it.
I have adult children and a youngster. I would (and have) taken the youngest away without the adult siblings. But because they are all my children, no one is equating that with lack of love or feeling excluded. It's literally down to work schedules v school holidays and money. But with a step child, you have to be super careful because it's so easy for them to feel pushed out and unloved.
Her dad did a really bad thing in moving 200 miles away - he's repeatedly made it clear that wife is more important than daughter and compounded this with never inviting the OP on holiday. Of course she blames the SM - it's easier emotionally to do this than recognise that her dad is a crappy parent. SM hasn't exactly been brilliant. She was happy enough to see her DH move 200 miles away from his DD and the pair of them have popped out more babies with no consideration of how this might make the OP feel when the dad is doing no parenting for her.

I'd probably cut off from them both but certainly not before having a conversation about how they have made you feel over the years.

Awww this is a hard one! You’ve regarded her as your ‘stepmum’ your whole life and not just ‘Jenny’ so she must be abit more than that to you. So if she is your stepmum then she would be a stapnan as such to your children. I do understand completely that if she hasn’t treated you like one of her own after getting with your dad then you’d really not want to treat her like a man to your children though! It’s very tricky!

Honestly I think you need some kind objectivity here. The holidays in the early days were presumably outside of term time if money was tight so it wasn’t excluding you it was cutting cloth to what they had. There is a big age gap here.

I think you have to try and see things from their perspective here and maybe remember your stepmother is your dads wife and sisters mum. This isn’t a random person you are wearing down and taking shots at it’s someone your family loves.

You really need to take responsibility here and make amends.

SM hasn't exactly been brilliant. She was happy enough to see her DH move 200 miles away from his DD and the pair of them have popped out more babies with no consideration of how this might make the OP feel when the dad is doing no parenting for her.

How do you know she hasn't been brilliant? So many assumptions. Should the stepmum not have any children of her own because her husband had one already? How do you know that the stepmum had 'no consideration' for how the OP would feel? The OPs dad may have been the one to force the move away, she might not have been happy about it for all we know - but we don't. As usual, the bulk of vitriol and assumptions is directed at the stepmum.

So how was the tone the SM was giving out when op was younger and she was not invited on family holidays

Well we don't know, do we? There is absolutely no indication that the SM attempted to rub in that they were going on holiday without her, or made a point of telling her she wouldn't be invited to any hypothetical holiday, which is the equivalent of what OP has done. I'm sure OP would have mentioned it if that were the case.

If it's a tit for tat scenario where OP wasn't invited on holidays and therefore it's ok for her to be rude now, then it should be directed at her father, because it was his responsibility to decide whether she would be taken on holidays or not and pay for her if so. It's got nothing to do with the SM.

SM hasn't exactly been brilliant. She was happy enough to see her DH move 200 miles away from his DD and the pair of them have popped out more babies with no consideration of how this might make the OP feel when the dad is doing no parenting for her.

So should all stepmothers remain childless just in case their stepchildren might be upset 17 years down the line? That’s a ridiculous comment to make!

Why do some people insist on making a man’s decisions a woman’s problem.

@PerfectParrot

To late to go non contact with the SM the SM has already gone non contact with the OP.

The SM has " who has always been good" to OP has been firmly put in her place and badly hurt. OP "it's just a fact" and "shouldn't affect her relationship with DD and Dsis" clearly has no idea how toxic her behaviour as a 30 year old is.

The hurt she clearly felt as a child is being taken out on her SM and she is shocked her Dad supports her SM. Only she as an adult can take responsibility for those feelings. Her Dad did not put her first as a child and he will not now as a 30 year old. She is totally barking up the wrong tree.

And ultimately hurting herself in the long run.

Why do some people insist on making a man’s decisions a woman’s problem.

Agreed.

I think that given how long she has been in your life and the fact that the relationship she has with your Dad is very well established you not wanting her to be Garandma is a bit off. I suspect she'd have got it if her relationship with your dad was still quite new but it's not, far from it so yabu.

It’s so hard to really share how things were. I guess this is what you call drip feeding. Facts - my parents split when I was 10. it wasn’t a friendly split. There was no official order for visitation. My mother allowed me to cut contact with my father when he met my SM and this lasted for many months. I was devastated when SM became pregnant - even more so because it was a girl. When I met my SM she was nice but I still hated her. I couldn’t be nasty though which kind of made me hate her more. When they moved I didn’t feel I was considered. My DM was glad as it meant she didn’t have to see my Dad anymore and I didn’t feel I was allowed to be sad about it. My dad and SM visited me regularly, only a few times a year due to distance but I know making the trip with a young child/children wasn’t fun.SM was fun and nearer my age than my dad was (SM was in her mid 20s so very young still. Dad was in his late 30s). I appreciated she treated me like an equal and not a child. Later they paid for me to travel to and from Cornwall independently so I could stay with them for a week at a time during holidays. I never had Christmas there until i was an adult because I didn’t know how to ask my DM. As I got older I began to resent the lack of things I had been included in. It wasn’t just holidays but it’s an easy example. My sisters lived with my Dad while it was just me and DM at home. DM has never had another meaningful long term relationship. I wouldn’t have wanted to live with them but I never felt I could have. As I got older SM and I had a laugh together and long chats about everything. BUT I still wouldn’t have really minded if I didn’t see her anymore. Is that wrong? I never got any time with just my dad and my dad wasn’t brilliant at keeping up contact with me between visits. SM and I would text but I just wanted my dad to make more effort. As I became an adult I began to like SM less not more. We just were not on the same page with things, no ones fault. The visits became less frequent as life and work became more grown up for me and it was clear that once I became an adult I wasn’t a priority. Like their DUTY towards me was done. They always paid my DM maintenance until I was 18 but since then the money I have has only been birthday and xmas. My sisters get lots spent on them for presents and it’s justified by me also having another parent to buy my gifts. It’s not about the money - it’s what it symbolises to me. From what SM has said - she didn’t realise how I felt all these years. She thought we were close and that’s where the problem lies but that’s not my fault.....