SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

Op oh, dear. Your fathers home should not always be open to you. It depends on your behaviour. You hurt her and refuse to apologise. It’s her home too. She shouldn’t have someone in there who likes to take shots at her, who refuses to apologise when they hurt her. I think this was the straw that broke the camels back. By your own admission she’s always been good to you. You cannot say the same back.

I think we all get you were resentful as a teen. But you’re a thirty year old woman now. Expecting them to take you on holiday like you’re a school age kid is bizarre.

In addition you must be substantially older than your half siblings. They would have been infants at most as you were late teens. I get it’s hard and you wanted to feel part of it, but you had holidays with your mum.

I’d maybe try to organise counselling to help you through what was clearly a traumatic time in your life. The expecting to be taken to Florida like a twelve year old is very telling. You’ve not been able to move on.

You’re damaging a relationship that means a lot to you, refusing to climb down, or take responsibility and it’s you that will get hurt the most.

My mil is banned from my house as she says toxic shit to me. It’s all very ‘oh I didn’t mean to offend her, it’s not my fault if she took it the wrong way.

She also thought her son would always have an open door regardless that we wasn’t talking.

She got a big shock one day when she just walked in and got promptly got kicked out - by her son.

Sometimes people have their limits. You crossed your dads

No wonder she doesnt want you in her home. My DGD has the most wonderful relationship with my Husband, he is not her Grandfather by blood but nobody would be able to tell, she calls him Papi (her choice) and she is closer to him than any of her other GPs. Even though she is a teenager now she spends so much time with him because they share the same interests.
Why did you have to be so spiteful ?

66% think you're unreasonable.

You haven't acknowledged that or changed your stance.

Has your mum got a partner?
Has your DP got a mum?

There are numerous names for grandmother, especially if you tag her name on the end. Can't she have one of them? Would it really be the end of the world?

Your dad's home should not 'always' be open to you. He is married. You hurt his wife.

I hope you can digest all of this and gain a bit of useful perspective.

Dont make life harder than it needs to be.

Yes I am upset dad has taken her side. I’m his daughter!

And she's his wife. You think you can say what you like and he should just agree with you regardless?

You seem to blame her entirely for the holiday situation (which you cast up to them years later) even though, as you say, he's your dad - he's as responsible for this as she is surely. Is he on the receiving end of your 'subtle shots', or do you save them for her? Perhaps they're not as subtle as you perceive and she's sick of it after all these years.

I have a step mum and I am a step mum. You've been spiteful to yours and you know it. You want to keep this going when you could easily sort it.

In think you are getting a bit of a hard time. I have had a sm most of my life. I care about her but were it not for dad she would not be in my life. She doesn’t treat us as her children (she doesn’t have any) and for example, we never were taken on holiday with them as children and their will favours her brothers (in their eighties) over us. However she is a loved nan to the grandchildren and both sides get a lot out of that relationship. I think dsm was wise to choose ‘nan’ as her name knowing my mum would be grandma. She is respectful like that. Sounds like your DSM is not capable of that nuance. You were also a bit head on with your objections.

But you know who is also at fault in both situations - dad. As a parent would you ever tolerate a situation where your child was not welcome in your house? Even if a spat has happened ? Unthinkable .

As a parent would you ever tolerate a situation where your child was not welcome in your house? Even if a spat has happened ? Unthinkable

Yes i bloody would. Im bringing my children up to be kind and have manners. If theyd acted like op taking "shots" at my other half i would bloody well expect them to grow up and apologise.

Blood doesnt mean you get to be an arsehole and get away with it. Not in my house.

A previous poster has made a good point. You simply don't know what was going on with the adults when you were a teenager. Maybe your dad contributed to your holidays with your mum because he knew they were better holidays for you and you'd enjoy them better than being stuck in a caravan with toddlers.

Your dad might have felt he was providing the best for you that he could. And for a long time you were OK with this. You realised you were getting the better holiday deal and getting better holidays than your little sisters.

You were excluded from the family as a child. Not deliberately but purely for logistical reasons. And being honest, even if your dad lived near you, you were always going to be slightly excluded because the 5 of them live together 100% of the time. At best you would have lived there 50% of the time.

Children from separated families have a tougher time. Because you go between houses. You know there is another family developing, and you know you're not fully part of it.

But that is not the fault of one person. It is not your stepmother's fault. It is the situation that was created by your mum and dad separating and you living with your mum full-time. If you lived with your dad full-time you'd feel excluded by your mum's family. If you lived between them 50-50 you'd most likely feel you didn't fit in either place.

You have been taking shots at your stepmother for years. (They weren't subtle). You are now blaming and punishing your stepmother for a situation you find yourself in that is not entirely her fault and you stuck it to her.

Of course she doesn't want you in her house, her family home, treating her with contempt in front of her children. You are an adult now and surely you are learning the complexities of adult relationships. Things are rarely black and white as we think they are as children or teens.

Adult living is complex. You are learning that. You need to go to counselling before you get pregnant. You need to work through your issues before you carry them on into another generation.

Op firstly, hats off to you for staying with this thread. You’ve taken quite a lot of stick.
Secondly I think now is the time to lay things on the line with your dad. He can’t have been an involved or hands on father for most of your teenage years, he moved hundreds of miles away. A great dad doesn’t do that - he just doesn’t. All your anger is directed at your step mum, but actually your dad, who has the responsibility to parent you, has been a let down. Now it’s come to a head, get it out your system - but aim your frustration at the right person, your dad.

Nrtft

But I think this all stems from the wall that your dd and Sm built when they moved away and although you seemed to be in contact regularly you didn’t get invited on family holidays and this made you feel that you weren’t part of your dd’s family.

What I do find strange is that someone who isn’t someone’s biological grandma, when the dc have a full set of gps would actually get upset that they don’t have a title.

I can understand that some SMs are very close to their SC, maybe brought the fathers children up if mother was dead or just not interested but this isn’t the case and seems was never the case.

My question would be, what makes SM think she should be called a grandma.

When her own dc have children then she will get the title but until then she will have to wait

She can’t have it both ways

@Oliversmumsarmy the thread has moved on a bit since the OP. SM is upset about OPs tone and insistence that she doesn't care that she is upset, rather than about the title itself.

OP you thank everyone for input and then repeat exactly the same what you said before. Maybe you should try to listen to what people say.

You dad moved to Cornwall because HE wanted to not because she made him and he didn’t have a choice.

You cannot be rude to people and then expect them to host you - it is not only your dad’s home, it is hers too and you are not a little girl anymore, you are an adult.

You say she has been good to you but the way you talk about her after 17 years of being in each other’s lives is like she is not a person, she is just unfortunate necessary addition to your dad. I understand if you were teen and talked like that but at 30 it is unacceptable.

aSofaNearYou

So how was the tone the SM was giving out when op was younger and she was not invited on family holidays

The SM and father set this course of action off so I am still unsure what the SM has to be offended by.

If she doesn't get the title of grandma X or whatever because she excluded you as a child then your father shouldn't be grandad either surely? He must have been complicit in all of it. If he did anything other than insist you were included as a child then he's a pretty shitty father.

So be 30, not 13, say sorry whether you mean it or not and the door to your dad's house will magically reopen.

If you can't do that then this may escalate and your future child won't be calling your dad anything either.

Op was invited but she didnt want to go because she had holidays with her mum.

Op didnt get invited to florida as an adult and wasnt happy about it.

Hmm.

Thanks all for your input. I truly didn’t say it to hurt her.

If that was true, you would feel bad that it did hurt her.

What you said, hurt her. Whilst you may feel your point was right, if I didnt intend to hurt her, you would apologise for doing so.

Your dad chose to move. He could ha e easily met someone from somewhere else.

You are an adult. That house belongs to 2 other adults. You have hurt one of them and the other agrees. You dont get to go to their house now. Because of your actions.

You do not view this woman as family. Why should she treat you as family and not mind you being in the house even when you are rude to her.

Either you are family or not. You are all your dads family and he is hiding with his wife because he agrees you should apologise.

If you dont want to, dont. But dont expect her to do something she doesnt want to do either, ie have you at their house

My question would be, what makes SM think she should be called a grandma.

My question would be that if this is hypothetical (as the OP says it is), what was the point of saying that SM wouldn't be called grandma, other than to deliberately cause hurt? It was meant to hurt and it did. The OP is not bothered by that apparently.

Being a step child is hard (I know from my own experience) and being a stepmum is hard (ditto). Both parties have to make the effort.

You do not view this woman as family. Why should she treat you as family and not mind you being in the house even when you are rude to her.

Actually this is a good point, the OP can't have it all her own way.

I'm a step mum and I've tried my very best for years, but my step children continue to be distant, and quite often rude to me.

I put up with it for my husband, I don't like it and given the choice, would not continue with the toxic situation. The difference is my husband sides with his children against me. It's unbelievably hurtful and means we're not all that happy.

I think your dad is right to side with his wife in this situation.

Wow not only was that a horrible thing to say to her, you didn't actually need to say it as it was hypothetical! If someone told me that, "I'm nothing to them" then I would say You're no longer welcome in my house too. You should apologise.

Sorry but you sound so much like a stroppy teenager and not like a grown women.

Your thinking sounds very unempathetic and rigid.

Nope, it wasn't ''a spat " and you hurt your SM very much.

Nope, your Dad's house isn't always just open to you.

The fact that SM has "always been good to you" is passed over as if it means nothing but you don't acknowledge at all that your father was ultimately responsible for your relationship with him and his new family.

Just the idea that you are sitting there telling your SM that she won't really be a grandparent and reeling off who will be called what when your child to be hopefully is born, sounds so immature and lacking in experience of what goes on in the real world. Its is a fact that children all over call all sorts of people all sorts of names, in all sorts of different types of "grandparent" relationships, step, blood, foster, adopted etc etc and love them dearly and BENEFIT from having them in their lives. You don't get this at all.

Personally I think you said it because it gave you the one up over your SM. Classic Teen.

Expecting to be taken on holiday to Disney Land as a grown up just shows who you are still locked into that way of thinking.

I suspect this 'shot' was the straw that broke the camel's back for this SM who "has always been good to you." With respect to her family you sound toxic.

Grow up. Take responsibility for your feelings and get counselling to help. Choose a happy relationship with your Dad and SM and siblings whom you love. This is also for the sake of your future children.
Good Luck with the IVF.

Why are some posters questioning whether OPs mum ever took the half sisters on holiday with her ? Why would she - they aren't her kids, but the OP is the dad's child.
I think that even if OP had never wanted to holiday with her dad and SM she still ought to have been asked. Same with Florida. You don't plan a big family holiday and leave out one of your children. They could at least have asked her if she wanted to go and of o, could she contribute to the cost. But it was made clear this wasn't an option.

You don't plan a big family holiday and leave out one of your children

She was in her mid 20s!!