SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

Moved not loved obviously!

Sorry I haven't read the full thread, but seems like you are getting a hard time.

My dad has been with his wife since I was about 11/12 but I lived 200 miles away so only saw them a couple of times a year. They had their own family which we were never included in so I'm not close to her at all really we get on ok but there isn't much connection at all. My kids call her by her actual name but it's never been an issue. But then they call all of the parents partners (4 in total) by their names even though they are closer some of them, never really thought of it being a problem it's just a name but the relationship is more important.

You sound like a bratty, entitled teen, not someone who thinks she’s ready to be a parent herself.

I get why you feel the way you do but as someone who has seen the (entirely unsubtle) digs happen to my mother from my step sister (and how that makes other people treat my mum along with me at times) I don't agree that you dads house should always be open to you, why should she have to have someone having digs at her in her own home in front of her children?
Do you think your sisters really want to see you have a dig at their mum?

Best of luck with your ivf!

You were spiteful
You don't see her as family but you expect access to her home whenever you fancy and regardless of how you treat her because your dad lives with her and you think he should essentially ride roughshod over his wife of 17 years to accommodate his unkind spiteful adult daughter?

You've put your dad in a difficult position of having to make decisions between his wife and child. You've been deliberately unkind and you still think you're entitled to access her home and hospitality.

Grow up - you sound like a petty teenager still trying to exclude your stepmother.

Your child could having a loving family surrounded by multiple loving grandparents. The way you're acting it's looking unlikely that your dad will be able to be a grandparent at all. It's you and your child and your dad that will lose out. And it will be a situation that you've created.
Grow up and apologise

So they are not rich and they did not pay for a 29 year old to go to Florida with them. Wow....do you think you are being a bit entitled here? Did your stepsisters get invited on the nice holidays you had with your mum? No???????? Jeez, this thread is depressing me.

I think people under estimate how difficult it is to blend families. People forget, fair and equal aremt always the same things.

Look at this situation. Op didnt want to go camping. Not fussed at all so was ok with that.

But when they went to florida, shevthen wanted to go. By which point she was an adult.

My dps step son (dp brought him up so is his dad) is and adult. My kids are not. I cant imagine not being allowed a holidays because a 25 year old man wants to go. Dp and his ex didnt go away much because they couldnt afford it. If dss told me I had to pay for him because my kids got more holidays than him and this was some sort of compensation, I would tell him to piss off.

I am 100% sure that if dss doesnt want me being called nana when he has children himself, I am 100% sure he would tell me in a diplomatic way. We would have a converstation. I am not really thinking I would be nana. If he simply acted like I am nothing to him whilst expecting me to treat him like a son, again...it would be piss off.

My Dads home should always be open to me.

I'm curious why you think that? You are 30?

Surely then your home is open to your Dad and he can come to yours?
I'm also curious if your house is open to your SM...as you expect hers to be open to you..

Also, the 'excluded from family holidays' thing was said to garner sympathy. But, actually there's a bit more to it. You lived 200 miles away, already went on holiday with your own mum (without your half siblings), the other children are over a decade younger than you, and they were cheap camping holidays, presumably local.

I can’t believe there’s 9 pages of posters horrified that OP was “excluded” from family holidays and only a handful of comments such as @arethereanyleftatall’s

We have no real idea of the dynamic of the break up of OPs parents and the logistics of how they may or may not have been able to arrange holidays. OP has resentment for being “excluded” based only on a teenagers perspective.

You were unkind to your stepmother who will probably look on your child as a grandchild. Where's the harm in a child having more than two sets of grandparents and calling all of them whatever. My DS has 3 Grannys, one of which is my SM. He has no problems differentiating between them.

Well this is the thing.

Op is going g to expect her SM to treat her, hypothetical, child like a grandchild and always be good to them (like the SM has always been good to the op).

But she doesnt view her SM as family. It cant work like that. You dont get the benefit of a family like relationship whilst making clear, they arent family

Wow OP. I feel like a lot of your anger is misplaced.

You are angry with your SM for moving your dad away and angry with her for excluding you from holidays as a teen. But your dad did all of that too. He agreed to move, in fact we don’t even know if it was HIS idea in the first place, he agreed or again it was his idea to not take you on their camping holidays. Why are you not angry with him?

A particular member (not a Dd or DS) of my DH family has made it clear they do not like me, you can bet they are not welcome in my home, to sit on my couch, drink my tea and eat my biscuits all whilst saying horrible things to me and exuding hate. They don’t have open access to my home just because they are related to my DH. Toxic people are not welcome here. So I can see exactly where your SM is coming from.

You need to talk over with your dad what has happened when you were younger. If it wasn’t your SM it could have been another woman and she wanted to move to Edinburgh, it’s your dad that left you and moved away. You should be angry with him for abandoning you.

What you said to your SM was quite mean and spiteful. If you wanted to get back at her then I think you’ve won in that respect but lost in the respect that your dd is sticking up for his wife.

*dd is dad!

Why are you still refusing to apologise, OP? You said that you've been asked to apologise, not for the original comment, but for refusing to acknowledge that you hurt her.
Just a few posts up you've said you didn't intend to hurt her, so it seems a perfectly valid reason to apologise.

You're not sorry for refusing to have her called grandma. Okay, so don't apologise for that. But Jeeeze, you hurt her and you know it. So apologise for that. If nothing else, so you keep the relationship with your sisters.

You sound unnecessarily stubborn, and you're the one losing out because of it.

I don’t see why I should apologise for something that SM has blown up out of proportion

You're being disingenuous. You deliberately said it to hurt her. You have issues with how she and your dad acted since she's been on the scene and used this as a 'fuck you' to her to get back at her for all the wrongs you have felt.

My Dads home should always be open to me

Thing is though this isn't really the case when you're not a child anymore. Statements like this are why people are saying you are coming across as immature.

An adult can't just throw out "your home should always be open to me" if for some reason their parents are unable/don't want to host them at any given time. I really can't imagine a 30 year old doing that. Similarly, it is unlikely that a rude adult will be invited again compared to a rude child or teenager, because people will only put up with that sort if thing from children who don't know better.

You seem to still view your relationship with them, and how they should be responding to you, like you are a teenager. The idea of a 30 year old woman lounging around in someone else's home that they have offended, without apologising, because "it's my dad's house too and he can't kick me out", is laughable. You are not a dependant who will be left on the streets. If you are rude and refuse to apologise for it, you won't be invited again. That is adulthood.

OP you are causing the drama here. By not apologising for hurting someone's feelings. If you can't see this I am a bit concerned as to how you will teach your children to care and get on with others. That is a MAJOR part of being a parent, you get that, right?

Regardless of the past , your actions are spoiling your DCs relationship with their granddad before their even born . Think of the bigger picture. Apologise , let her be nanny Jenny , it's just words . In your head you could just say Not, every time she's called it ! Your DC will benefit so much from having extended family. Maybe try some therapy, it can't be good to carry this with you .

I can see both sides.

Your dad has allowed this pattern of behaviour, yes. But as an adult and a parent there may be many reasons for it that you don’t see. Hurtful to you for being excluded, absolutely, and that has to be acknowledged. But the bottom line is, your anger should be directed at your dad, ultimately. What if they just simply couldn’t afford to take you on holiday? Not your fault, but logistically, not much they could do about it. I assume they paid your mum maintenance money until you left school? That is a big strain on family finances but a commitment made from the point of split. The affects are on both sides, not just yours. And that’s not anyone’s ‘fault’ it’s just the reality of a situation. You’re a casualty of that which is hurtful and damaging.

When you become a parent I’m sure you will be able to see things more clearly. Because at the moment your are justifiably hurt and resentful towards them. You should really share why with your dad. They aren’t mind readers and they can not apologise themselves for how your were treated unless they know how you felt, growing up. They probably wrongly just put your reactions down to childish behaviour, not taking into account the damage to their relationship with you for not acknowledging this or giving their reasons why.

I have 3 boys, if my DH had a child from a previous relationship, we couldn’t afford to factor in another person. Rightly or wrongly, especially if that ‘child’ were an adult. On a holiday to Disney, they would be spending thousands and making the experience something magical for their kids. You were and adult at this stage. You can go to Florida any time you want. So financially, what’s the choice, exclude them or never go on a family holiday out of principle 🤷🏻‍♀️

The ironic thing in all this, is, if you continue to maintain a relationship with your dad and sisters, you will find that your children will choose who Jenny will be to them, not you. That’s just how it goes with kids.

You keep saying that your dad wouldn’t have done certain things if it wasn’t for her, the truth is that he chose to do those things! She is a red herring in this, the moving away and the holidays were all him - he’s your father and his loyalty wasn’t with you, if his wasn’t then this extends to his wife. He has not made you a priority and by default neither has she. You’re right to be hurt but your resentment is directed at the wrong person.

You’ve created this drama and by bringing this up before you’re even pregnant sounds like you’ve been looking for a stick to beat her with. What could make her feel more pushed out than not allowing her to play a part in your child’s life when everyone else has been given a title? You’re treating your child as a weapon before they have even been conceived and that is worrying. Having your own child could have been a nice way of developing a relationship with her, the relationship your own father should have fostered and nurtured over the years to ensure this resentment didn’t build. You could have those discussions that were needed years ago. Bu it sounds like you don’t want to, you want to punish her.

My Dads home should always be open to me

You're a grown woman. It's perfectly acceptable for you and your Dad to meet elsewhere. Together with your expectation that they'd pay for you to go to Florida when you were in your mid-late 20s it sounds like you need to move towards a more adult relationship with your Dad. Not paying 1000s for an adult child to go to Florida is not excluding.

Do you expect SM to treat your child like a grandchild? Now that you have drawn the battle lines like a teenager would, you've scuppered the chances of a close relationship between your child and that side of the family too.

You live near your mum and SM wanted to live near hers. You should be more understanding of her wanting to do that imho and realize that your Dad had a choice whether to move or end his relationship. Kent to Cornwall is a very difficult distance to maintain contact and I have lots of sympathy for you being angry about that but it's your Dad not your SM's fault that he left too

You’re 30, @Eggandbeans. I’m embarrassed for you.

Sorry your last post op sounds like back peddling. All wide eyed innocence!

You just know when/if you have a child you’ll be back on here spouting ‘my step mum treats my child differently’ etc etc etc

Perhaps your stepmum wanted to be near her family when she had babies, as you might want to be near your mum? Your dad went along with this and they’ve had a happy life for 17 years.

Get therapy to work through this, it’s damaging you more than any of them.

It would be your choice on the name, but treating someone rudely and disrespectfully means people with good boundaries start pulling away. You’re risking losing her and your half sisters to your own negative feelings and in turn (if you have kids) support and live for you and your children.

Can’t understand your act of ‘I truly didn’t know I was saying hurtful things’ c’mon of course you did. Time to be a grown up

@Eggandbeans - good to see your most recent post. It can not have been easy to go through the many comments.

As @Heismyopendoor points out, your father could have started a new relationship with someone from, or moved for work, anywhere distant to where you were as a child.

HOW your father managed this move away, how he maintained contact with you, & nurtured both you & your relationship with him underpins much of your current grievance.

For an early teen it’s hard to miss a parent when you cannot act on those feelings by travelling a distance as you need or please without help with travel & money. Particularly if those feelings are skewed or denied due to family loyalties from a broken marriage.

Understandably these feelings can cut deep & will resurface at times, such as now when you are going through IVF & the emotional whirlwind.

Other posters have suggested that you find a counselling professional to help you work through these tangled feelings, particularly as this is affecting your family relationships now & will add to the pressure of the IVF. I strongly support those suggestions.

You have not said if your IVF is NHS or private. I assume that a counselling service will be available either way as the IVF roller-coaster means that people need that extra bit of support. Please ask what is available. There is always Relate who specialise in family relationships, have a sliding fee scale & you can go on your own.

I mentioned a silver lining in my previous post. This situation may mean that you can see your Dad, just the two of you together. I suggest you take this offer up & make it a good an experience as you can. Sooner rather than later.

But before then I suggest that you write to both your father & SM to apologise for any hurt that you may have caused. The Granny business is moot. It is the right thing to do. A brief letter because you can be clear & neutral, so no risk of your emotions clouding the message, & because that message stands no matter how it is gone over. Get it done & dusted as soon as possible.

Turn this round by putting the worst of this right & then take up the opportunity to spend time with your father.

‘Dad, I realised that I really miss spending time with you, when I come down I’d like us to go out, just the two of us, for the day & have lunch’

Think you are been a bit silly not just letting her be called granny or nana more for the sake of your future kids and all getting on. If you want your kids to be close to your dad and your half sisters then think it's only fair. If your sisters have kids then their will call her granny or whatever so your child would feel different. Also young children dont understand family relations like this they just see 2 people who are grandma and grandad figures.
I have a step mum that my children call nana. My eldest just presumed she was a grandma as my dad is grandad so would have been confused if I had to explain that she isn't and just call her by her name. Also she is great with the kids even if they dont see her loads.
She hasn't even been my step mum all that long and wouldn't have been if my mum hadn't have died. They got married when I was pregnant.
You dont have to love her like a mum but it's about your kids.
I think you should apologise to keep the peace.