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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 29/02/2020 22:05

All this she's not banning you from the house because she won't be called Granny but only because you're not sorry she's upset sounds like rubbish to me, for what it's worth.

Given that OP has openly admitted that she's been making "subtle" digs at her for years, it's not at all hard to imagine that she might have had enough of being spoken to in a certain manner.

Imok · 29/02/2020 22:20

I think you have been extremely unkind and spiteful towards your sm.
I have a sm. She's not been the perfect sm, but tbh, I don't suppose I was the perfect step-daughter either. If she hadn't been married to my dad, I probably wouldn't have given her the time of day. I was a similar age to you when she came into my life and she WAS the ow. But my dad loved her and I loved my dad. I was never invited on their holidays either, but I know that was my dad's responsibility, not hers. Things were different then, almost 50 years ago, so I didn't know anyone else from a split family and eow plus half the holidays with a nrp really wasn't the norm. When my dcs were born, it was important to me that they had a loving family around them and that included grandparents. Possibly because both Dh and I had step grandparents (our both of us had grandmothers who died when our own parents were children and they had stepmothers), it felt quite natural that my step mother and my lovely step dad should be regarded as grandparents by our dcs. So sm became Nanny hername and my step dad was grandad hisname. They loved our children and our children loved them right back. And even though my dad passed away a long time ago, Nanny germane is still around and still loves her grandchildren. And she was very chuffed to be a great Nanny to my dgc.
OP. Any shortcomings relating to holidays etc, are down to your dad. You say your sm has treated you well. Don't be so spiteful to her when actually, it's your dad who let you down.

GemmeFatale · 29/02/2020 22:24

My dad remarried when I was in my 30’s. His wife isn’t my step mum - as a mother figure who came into my adult life I see her more as a mother in law - but she is a grandparent to my child. She loves him, she buys him gifts, she reminds my dad to send cards and call, she Skypes with him. She’s as much granny as he is grandpa. Why wouldn’t I want my child to be so well loved?

tootiredtospeak · 29/02/2020 22:27

Seriously act like the grown up women you are and call her out that you felt excluded growing up. Dont use an unborn child to try and make someone feel excluded. Thats fucked up. My parents are seperated and both partners are known just by their names as in your example of Jenny. But this was not done purposely to cause hurt. Yours is.... I am not saying your in the wrong but if you feel she has treated you badly have the balls to actually say that.

sendhelpppppp · 29/02/2020 22:34

Seriously act like the grown up women you are and call her out that you felt excluded growing up

Thats a conversation to have with her dad.

tootiredtospeak · 29/02/2020 22:43

She could have it with her Dad too but why not express it directly and hear what she has to say. Not facing up to difficult conversations about what has hurt her in the past has led to resentment. As an adult surely its time to understand and put it to bed before its passed on to a potential new generation.

sendhelpppppp · 29/02/2020 22:57

She can have it out with the SM as much as she wants but it wont get her anywhere because the SM has done nothing wrong.

The issue is shes resenting the wrong person.

Lapetus · 29/02/2020 23:15

You do realise that taking shots (subtle or otherwise) at someone over a prolonged period of time (in your case years) has a name? You are a bully OP.

Ponoka7 · 29/02/2020 23:23

"but surely it’s up to me who I want as my DCs grandparents"

No it isn't. One of my most valuable relationships was with my Step Grandfather, he was just grandad to me. Unless my Dad was around, then i had to call him by his first name.

When he died all of his pictures were sent to his blood relatives, who he hadn't seen in years.

What my parents did, didn't affect him, it was me they damaged.

You've made your last dig and boy did you make it count. Now live with the consequences. Has it occurred to you that your Half Siblings children will call her Grandmother, so you've distanced the relationship between the cousins as well?

SnoozyLou · 29/02/2020 23:24

I think there is still a lot of context missing, and without that it's hard to say whether you were unreasonable or not.

In Jenny's situation I would not expect to be called Granny by your children. It's all about the delivery though. How did the conversation come up? If she asked and you said no, that's fair enough. If you went to her home talking to your dad about it in front of her as though she wasn't there, you wouldn't be welcome in my home either.

You say you don't care about her. That infers you don't like her. I don't know why you would bring that conversation up, if you did. So if you don't like her, and make a point of letting her know that, think she can be forgiven for telling you to go and not like her somewhere else and not antagonise her in her own home.

Again though, it's all about context. If she raised it, and you tried to let her down gently, that's something else entirely.

OhCaptain · 29/02/2020 23:50

I sincerely hope that the posters in the “she’s not family” camp are of the same opinion when it comes to step-parents’ opinions and treatment of step-children...

After all, they’re not family...

pallisers · 01/03/2020 00:01

Anyone else see the irony in a woman wanting to be called granny and then barring her 'daughter" who is going to make her this granny from her house when she is told that won't be happening?

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 01/03/2020 00:16

No.
What it looks like is a woman who genuinely tried finally received the last straw from the bratty entitled annoyance in her life and decided that she really wasn't worth the aggro.

Plus. OP is going through IVF. She isn't nor may she ever be pregnant. But she can crack on and burn those Bridges.

pallisers · 01/03/2020 00:27

from the bratty entitled annoyance in her life

interesting perspective on the stepmother/daughter relationship there.

What was entitled by the way? Expecting to be welcome in your own father's home?

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 01/03/2020 00:28

Expecting to go on a holiday to Florida at 30 and not pay is pretty bloody entitled.

AJPTaylor · 01/03/2020 00:42

Yabu to choose a hill to die on that isn't even an actual hill

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 01/03/2020 01:23

I don’t know how it works in other houses but my mother and father have always been a team, don’t you dare to be nasty to either of them or you will have the other one at your neck.

He is supporting his wife because she has been offended by his daughter. The house belong to her as well, it is not only OP’s dad house. So they are free to decide who can visit or not.

Personally, expecting to be received for a holiday in the house of someone you offended is the epitome of CFery.

OP is not a stroppy teen full of hormones or a toddler who has not learned to control her emotions, she is a full grown adult with no case to call the shots in the house of his relatives, just like anyone of us after we became independent.

pallisers · 01/03/2020 01:31

I wasn’t asked on the holiday. I brought up being excluded for it and they made excuses but I wasn’t offered to even pay for myself. I was 14 when they first went away without me and my half sisters were babies/tots.

Yeah. Agree. how dare a 14 year old expect to be included in her father's family holiday - entitled brat.

What baffles me is why this poor woman would want to be called granny by the children of this bratty entitled annoyance in her life - want it enough to bar her husband's child from their home because she was told it wasn't happening. She must be a saint.

Littlebluetruck · 01/03/2020 01:32

Your Dad is also pathetic for not putting her in her place

Wow. My husband and I are equals. We don’t put the other “in their place”, whatever that means. What century are you living in?

Anyway, OP, it is up to you what your child calls your stepmother. That is your right.

However, from your posts, I can see why your stepmother has taken the position she has. That is her right.

Apologise to your stepmother for deliberately upsetting her (it is glaringly obvious from your posts that this is the case), or see your father outside of their house. But stop playing games, because you are going to be the loser.

You are 30 years old, no longer a child. Your father has been married to this woman 17 years and they have 3 school-age children together. You say your stepmother has always been good to you. Whatever you are hoping for from your father, you are not going to get by behaving like this towards his wife.

7salmonswimming · 01/03/2020 02:14

Sure you can tell her how you feel and not have to apologize for it, say that’s just how it is.

And so can she.

Mintjulia · 01/03/2020 02:32

You’re 30, not a child. You don’t see her as family, as is your choice.
But equally she doesn’t want non family in her house.
You sound spoilt & immature, still trying to drive a wedge between her and your dad.

She’s his wife. You aren’t a child anymore and don’t need to be indulged.

summeriscoming20 · 01/03/2020 02:52

I think OP has a point. She wasn't properly included in her dad's new family and naturally feels resentment about this. I can understand why she feels this way towards her SM

Original poster
Eggandbeans · 01/03/2020 03:04

Thanks all for your input. I truly didn’t say it to hurt her. We always got on well when I was visiting but yes I resent that dad moved away with her and yes although I adore my sisters, its hard to see my dad bringing them up in the same family unit when I was a distant thought.

She is Cornish - hence why they moved. So no, my dad wouldn’t have gone if it were not for her.

I don’t remember HOW the subject of my potential child came up as it was a fairly insignificant conversation to me UNTIL I was told I’d apparently been hurtful. I don’t see why I should apologise for something that SM has blown up out of proportion and made all about her. It’s her problem. But the refusal to apologise is why I’m now banned from their family home and that’s really upset me. My Dads home should always be open to me.

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 01/03/2020 03:08

Your Dad is also pathetic for not putting her in her place
Put her in her place? WTF?
Says a lot about you and kinda makes any point you make pretty invalid tbh

Theroigne · 01/03/2020 04:05

Op did you live with your SM at all when you were growing up? If so, how long? I’m just trying to get an idea of how close you were / are, and how much she might have done for you over the years.

Because I can understand why you wouldn’t see her as your child’s granny you didn’t meet her until you were 13, and didn’t live with her or really feel included in her and your df’s family unit over the years. How old were you when they loved to Cornwall?