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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
blissfulllife · 29/02/2020 20:12

You need to grow up

ErickBroch · 29/02/2020 20:15

@TheyDoDoThat I agree. I am 10 years older than one half-sib and 17 years than another. They have gone on family hols without me because I am mid-20s and I can't afford it/couldn't get holiday but so? They're kids and I am an adult. Bizarre.

Coolcucumber2020 · 29/02/2020 20:16

This makes me sad.

The whole of your post OP is one of not really caring about your SM. At some point you can choose to care about her. However this point is now. You do need to go one step towards her. Even if you don’t want her called granny you could tell her that you know she’s always been good to you and you realky value her as your future kids family.

Being a SM is one of the hardest most heartbreaking roles I’ve ever been in, and I think your SM could sympathise.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/02/2020 20:18

@FlamingFreezing it is as much the SM house as it OPs fathers. And by her own admission OP has fired some shots at her SM before. What she said has caused hurt and she could and should apologise for that. If she isnt prepared to it is not unreasonable to say I dont want her in our house any more. The OPs father obviously agrees the OP was out of order.

0MrsT · 29/02/2020 20:23

My stepmum has been around for 20 years, I have never got on with her. We've never had disagreements. Just never bonded.. she does things that irritate me and I know she isn't my biggest fan either. However, my son calls her nanny and she is great with him, our relationship has improved slightly but we'd still never pop out for coffee together.. maybe you should judge her her ability as a grandparent on how she treats your child

makingmammaries · 29/02/2020 20:38

My DSD was kind enough not to do that when her DS was born - she decided I would be Granny [name]. I wasn't expecting that much, but that's because I didn't raise her. OP, it sounds like your SM invested quite a lot in making sure you were included in the family, and in return she got a slap in the face. Her reaction is not classy, but I can see where it's coming from.

FlamingFreezing · 29/02/2020 20:39

sendhelp how is it not neglectful to decide to move hundreds of miles from your child, who you had a responsibility to parent for at least another 5 years, so you can’t logistically parent them?

Hmm

I doubt the ‘stepmother’ did much step parenting either.

OP please don’t take the batshit responses on here to heart, you don’t owe this woman anything, let alone the title of ‘Grandma’ and shouldn’t be guilted into it.

sendhelpppppp · 29/02/2020 20:51

Do you know what neglect is?

Ideal? No. Neglectful? No.

We have no idea what ops dad was like but she doesnt suggest she was neglected.

sendhelpppppp · 29/02/2020 20:52

Oh and "that woman" does owe op anything either but she had a bitch fit because "this woman" didnt take op, an adult, to florida.

Hellohellohi · 29/02/2020 20:58

@sendhelpppp
How is moving 200 miles away from your own child not neglecting your duties as a parent ?Get real. If a woman did that it would be ludicrous . SM had the bitch fit when she wasn’t to be called granny , despite having no right to be called that .

aSofaNearYou · 29/02/2020 21:00

how is it not neglectful to decide to move hundreds of miles from your child, who you had a responsibility to parent for at least another 5 years, so you can’t logistically parent them?

She didn't insult her dad, though, who is the person that did this. This isn't about the fact that she doesn't feel close enough to her to consider her a granny, it's about the fact that she felt the need to tell her that in a rude manner when she's not even pregnant so it wasn't necessary.

sendhelpppppp · 29/02/2020 21:01

Why would it be ludicrous if a woman did it?

Again we dont know what ops dad did for her when he moved away. Youre making assumptions.

Nobody has a right to anything do they but shes clearly been used by OP for years so maybe she expected to be part of ops future childs life.

OhCaptain · 29/02/2020 21:01

SM had the bitch fit when she wasn’t to be called granny , despite having no right to be called that .

Wow. Selective reading at its finest!

xGAIAx · 29/02/2020 21:04

SM had the bitch fit when she wasn’t to be called granny

@Hellohellohi if you read the thread you will see that it wasn't this, it was that the OP delivered it in a way that was meant to hurt/take a shot at the SM.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/02/2020 21:04

OP, what is the age difference between you and your oldest sister? Your SM has been in your life since you were 13, so I assume at least 13/14 year difference. I don't know what 17 year old would like to go on holiday with a 3 year old sibling! And you said you didn't want to go anyway as you had great holidays with your mam.

But you felt left out because as an adult they wouldn't pay for you to go to Florida? Could you afford to pay for yourself?

tenlittlecygnets · 29/02/2020 21:09

You sound very cold towards your stepmum. If you were 13 when she came into your life, that’s only a few holidays that they would take you on, surely, before you were an adult and not wanting to join them on holiday?

You need to look at your dad’s behaviour here.

And you were unkind, telling your stepmum you don’t see her as a gran.

Hellohellohi · 29/02/2020 21:18

@sendhelpppppp
Not much parenting can be done from 200miles away, that’s not an assumption , it is a fact.
Women generally don’t just up and leave their under 18 children to start a new life with someone . Men do it more often .

OhCaptain · 29/02/2020 21:22

@Hellohellohi again, literally none of that is relevant.

sendhelpppppp · 29/02/2020 21:22

Right (its not a fact we have no idea what the arrangements were) whatever - but ops not even complaining about her dad here so she cant be all that bothered. Shes just pissed at her step mum...

xGAIAx · 29/02/2020 21:24

Not much parenting can be done from 200miles away

I agree with this but it's not what this thread is about, it's about the SM not wanting the OP in her house while she is being horrible to her.

CityofTsars · 29/02/2020 21:37

I don't think you're being unreasonable about not giving the 'Granny' title. Your relationship is what it is and it's unfortunate of she thought you were closer than you do. While she might hope for it and be disappointed, it's not a right and banning you from the house is ridiculous.

However, is there room for an "I'm sorry you're upset and disappointed, it wasn't my intention to hurt you, but I must stand by my decision because I just wouldn't be comfortable with what you'd prefer"?

All this she's not banning you from the house because she won't be called Granny but only because you're not sorry she's upset sounds like rubbish to me, for what it's worth. I think her nose is out of joint and that's a way to make it sound less like throwing her toys out of the pram. However, the above does rather close off that augment to her.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/02/2020 21:43

My sense from this thread is that you are still competing with her for your Dad’s affection and attention.

You are focusing on her because recognising that your Dad was the one who didn’t fight for you is too painful to face.

Bluntness100 · 29/02/2020 21:48

You clearly resent and dislike her. You blame her for all your ill feelings about your dad’s situation. You also are envious of your step sisters life with them. All hard to deal with.

I think you need to apologise. It’s been seventeen years. They have three kids together. She was not the other woman.

Yes it’s hard when your dad moves away and starts a new family. But it’s not her fault. You’re an adult now. And if you can’t get past it, then you need to seek help.

Your dad is doing the right thing, I’m sorry. Just seem him somewhere else now if you won’t back down. You’ve drawn up the battle lines. You’ve done it on purpose. You wanted to hurt her and put her in her place, to show she meant nothing to you, that she was irrelevant.you meant it and you aren’t sorry.

Any children you have will be lucky to have as many people as possible who love them. Why make it clear their relationship with her has to be the same as you. It doesn’t benefit anyone.

When you have kids, invite as much love in to their lives as possible.

Dandelion1993 · 29/02/2020 21:52

I don't think you were unreasonable at all.

She isn't a granny so why would she be called that?

My dh's parents are divorced and both remarried and their partners are known to our children by their first names.

CJsGoldfish · 29/02/2020 22:01

It could be a mean and spiteful stepmother who has finally found a reason to banish an unwanted step-daughter from her father's home
Not according to the OPs own admission.

I can't get over the using of a (potential) baby to purposely hurt another person. One who has been around for so long and has treated the OP well. It's almost as though she's been waiting for just the moment and just the weapon.

Then again, it seems a common choice of weapon.

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