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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
winniethekid · 29/02/2020 17:15

Ah, yes, holiday with one of your separated parents is enough. Learn to stop being an ungrateful brat. How dare you expect to be included in family holidays with your other parent.

The OP wasn't referring to holidays when she was a child, she's talking about how they had holidays when she was an adult. When they went camping she didn't want to go but as soon as they were off to Florida the OP expected a free holiday from them.

Willyoujustbequiet · 29/02/2020 17:34

I totally agree with you. She's not included you growing up but now assumes she's a granny.
She seems quite controlling and wants it all her own way. She's not a grandparent and its entirely up to you what you call her.

Winter2020 · 29/02/2020 17:51

“surely it’s up to me who I want as my DCs grandparents”

I would say not. If the Grandparent figures are not harmful or abusive then I think your child has a right to their grandparents including Jenny.

My mums mum died when she was 21 and her dad remarried “Rita”. My mum had a positive adult relationship with her and called her “Rita”. She was always nan to me. She looked after me and my siblings every day after school, cooked and cleaned and spoke so fondly about me as a baby. It was clear as day to me that she loved me. My dads mum (my other nan) died when I was about seven so “nanny Rita” was my only nan between the ages of about 7 and 25 when she passed away. My life would have been much the poorer if my mum had come between us in a “she’s not your nan” type of way.

How will you feel (god forbid) if your child loses their other grandparents? Don’t rob your child of someone who could love them and enrich their life.

Namechanger001 · 29/02/2020 18:11

She was I unkind by not inviting you on family holidays- now she knows how it feels to be excluded. Your dad is also to blame though- he should have said why is dd not important enough to come so he should have been more proactive in that area.

Namechanger001 · 29/02/2020 18:20

Sorry disregard my post- I’ve read some other replies and money was tight when they went on holiday and you were an adult at that time so it wasn’t up to them to fund your holidays away. Quite unpleasant to leave her out of a granny name for any future children of yours.

ScribblingMilly · 29/02/2020 18:26

My sister-in-law once made a snippy comment about her stepdaughter, my DN, fancying a free holiday with them. She was only 19, FFS! And why shouldn't she think she'd be included? My parents were beyond thrilled when I still wanted to go on holiday with them as an adult. I feel for you, OP, and I'd follow others' advice to get some therapy before your anger destroys your relationships with all this side of your family. Singling your SM out as the target for your anger isn't going to go well for you. Better you find a way to talk to them both about your feelings.

Tara336 · 29/02/2020 18:36

I agree with everything @Grumpos says, you could have had a gentle conversation about your feelings and come to a compromise, instead you chose to be rude and hurtful and now refuse to acknowledge you have upset someone. You should apologise and start the conversation again in a more sensitive way, it’s not just you that has feelings!

If you don’t wish to resolve this then fine, but you are a CF if you think your SM should still welcome you into your home

BertieDrapper · 29/02/2020 18:53

Totally understand your feelings on this. I have a similar feel for my SM who has been my dads partner for 20 years.
She picks and chooses if she comes to see us with my dad- basically if she has something better to do/ doesn't fancy the drive over.
So I understand your feelings but I personally wouldn't have said anything - there was no need really. We do have a DD and SM
Is called by her name, no discussion beforehand as there really isn't any need to be.

ineedsun · 29/02/2020 19:06

You're an adult, why would you assume that you would be invited on a holiday with them and why would you want to go on a holiday with a woman who you view as just your dad's wife?

You want to be part of the family when it suits (I.e. gives you something to complain about) but are happy to hurt your step mum's feelings and don't have any awareness that this isn't OK. You're putting your dad in a very difficult situation, you're being really unreasonable on many levels.

xGAIAx · 29/02/2020 19:13

Is any of this real!!

You acquired a step mum at the age of 13, by the time you were 14 your father had moved to Cornwall had 3 children and your stepmum was stopping you going on holidays

Exactly what I was thinking!

You weaponised a child (that doesn't exist yet), took aim and fired, now you don't like that boundaries have been firmly put in place. Grow up fgs, you are nearly 30!

Livelovebehappy · 29/02/2020 19:24

Op, I really feel for you. I grew up with a SM too, and just never warmed to her at all. Being a grandma is a huge privilege, and shouldn’t be handed out to someone who you or your DP don’t really have any emotional connection to. Your DF picked her; you didn’t.

saraclara · 29/02/2020 19:28

She’s always been good to me

Yet you keep deliberately keep taking pot shots at her. Fair enough, you don't have to like your step-mother. But if even you are prepared to say that she's always been good to you (presumably despite you showing your feelings about her) for the 17 years that she's been your S-M, then why your determination to hurt her?

You say you love your half-sisters. Well they love their Mum. How do you think they're feeling about you right now?
The way you're going, you're going to lose your relationship with them, and you're risking the one with your dad too.

Simply say (as you've admitted) that you didn't expect your decision to bother her, and that you're sorry that you misjudged that, and that you hurt her.

I think this thread is a really good example of how difficult it is to be a step-mum. Even when you do everything right*

"Now that we've established that OP wasn't excluded from those European holidays after all.

Sarahandco · 29/02/2020 19:38

If you wanted your children to be part of the family and close to you dad and sisters you should not have said what you said and allow things to develop naturally.

I and my children call my stepfather by his first name - it just happened like that. He met my mum when I was a late teen and I was not that keen because well I was a teenager! I grew up and our relationship evolved. He has been very generous and kind to me and my children over the years and they consider him their grandfather. We spend christmas and holidays together and so they have a close relationship. I think this a case of deeds over words and there is no need for proclamations about what title someone should have.

ButtonandPickle19 · 29/02/2020 19:42

Yup very spiteful of you

joffreyscoffees · 29/02/2020 19:46

DH and I both have step-parents, DD has 8 grandparents overall. Her grandads - both stepdads to us, are amazing and 10x the grandparent that my own dad is.

It was a silly conversation to have in the first place and it was a hurtful thing to say. Without knowing too much about your relationship, I'd say it's a weird viewpoint you have.

sendhelpppppp · 29/02/2020 19:52

So basically youre happy to spend time with her when it benefits you (florida) but happy to fuck her off when youre not getting anything out of her?

Yeah i can see why shes mad.

My step dad came into my life when i was 14. He is grandpa to my son.. i know hes not my dad but he really is a gp to my son.

Lazypuppy · 29/02/2020 19:52

Very harsh. You're not a teenager anymore, you need to grow up and move on. If you want that side of your family involved in your childrens life.

She has been your m for 17 years, why cant she be nany jenny, what doesit really matter.if she is going to love your child and be a grandparent why would you want to stop that

billy1966 · 29/02/2020 20:01

@saraclara
👍

OP, a clever girl would not burn her bridges.

I think Sara's out there for you is very good...."you didn't realise it would upset her so much...

I feel for you...there is obviously unresolved pain...

But I think you may be the HUGE loser in this situation, and that will be very cold comfort to YOU in your life going forward.

Please spend the money teasing this all out with a good therapist.

I think it will be money well spent.

Flowers
ErickBroch · 29/02/2020 20:02

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FlamingFreezing · 29/02/2020 20:02

It’s up to you what you teach your DC to call people OP. Especially your fathers wife who you only saw when you visited them (I can’t imagine very often if you live so far apart) so was never really a ‘parent’ figure anyway. Let alone you feeling that she excluded you which again you are entitled to feel.

She sounds horrendous to ban you from your father’s house and blackmail you into making an apology for having your own feelings and making your own decision about something very personal to youAngry, and while you’re going through IVF too which is stressful in itself.

Your Dad is also pathetic for not putting her in her place. What kind of father moves hundreds of miles from their DC anyway and has more DC with someone else while neglecting the one he already had?

I wouldn’t bother with either of them in future and would tell them to go fuck themselves if they think there will be a apology.

I cannot believe that so many posters think you are in the wrongConfused but that’s MN for you.

sendhelpppppp · 29/02/2020 20:05

flaming neglected?? Have you just made that up?

And she doesnt need "putting in her place" at all. Vile.

sauvignonblancplz · 29/02/2020 20:06

OP you’re going through an awful lot with IVF & I feel people are being very harsh.
You were only 13 when your parents separated & im sure that was very very hard.
I think you’ve every right to feel how you feel but I imagine it’s attached to much deeper rooted pain & a sense of abandonment.

Don’t make life harder for yourself, sit down have an open & honest chat. You should apologise for hurting her feelings & think about how your child when they come along will have another person to love them.
Don’t be hard on yourself Flowers

sauvignonblancplz · 29/02/2020 20:08

@ErickBroch.
That’s a really unfair & harsh comment.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/02/2020 20:08

I definitely think op would benefit from therapy.

She won't benefit from therapy until she can admit that she dislikes and resents her step-mother.

That dislike and resentment may be justified (though if the SM was "always good to her", I doubt it) or not - but it's there and she needs to own it.

TheyDoDoThat · 29/02/2020 20:11

The more updates I read the more you come across as a spoiled brat. I doubt you were saying this to you SM for any reason other than to purposely hurt her. Who takes their adult children on holiday with them. The kids are school age so they go by default....erm no their being brought up by their parents this is how it works. Plus you were invited to the less glamorous holidays but didn’t want to go.

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