SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

The thing with being deeply hurt and feeling dismissed as a child, is, that although you grow in years, your hurt doesn't mature.

Your hurt remains that of a child in the body of an adult.

When you understand that you can understand the OP lashing out.

Speaking to someone could really help her to understand her pain, speak to her father about it, and may be move forward.

As a step mum I think you have been incredibly heartless, spitefully and quite frankly rude. There were better ways to have had that conversation with her.

For the record

1. she is not to blame for you missing out on the holidays... That is your father's fault not hers.

2. if they went a few years ago to Florida yabvvu to have expected to go and be paid for. You were a grown adult not a child

you have at your own admission repeatedly sniped at your sm and belittled her, openly blaming her for your father's failings. I am not surprised she has had enough and banned you from her home.

If I was your half sister, I'd be LIVID with you for hurting my mum in this way. She has always been good to you, you said, even though you shot a few barbs at her over the years (I bet you haven't apologised for this either). You're viewing their holidays now as a slight to you, even though their children were far younger than you and it would have been difficult to cater equally for all children so all would be happy. You got to go on holidays with your DM which you enjoyed.

There was no need for you to have made the comment you did to your SM. It was unkind and unnecessary. Sure, maybe the fact that they chose to go to Florida when they could afford it - you said money was tight for them over the years - and they didn't offer to pay for you as well hurt your feelings, but this was never realistic and you are unreasonable to hold a grudge for it. You didn't say that you would love to go with them and pay your way, so what would you expect? You are much older than their children, you presumably have the means to pay for yourself, but you didn't offer that. So unreasonable.

Your SM has been honest about how she feels about this, your original hurtful comment and the fact that you don't care and have shown her this. So you brought this on yourself.

As PPs have said, the more loving caring adults a child has around them the better. There isn't a set quota for how many they should have. You're not really coming across as a very nice person here, nor mature and thoughtful.

@billy1966 just because somebody is hurt doesn't mean they're right.
OP can say that SM did XYZ. Doesn't means she's not just being a brat.

Her father maybe didn't stand by OP because he didn't like how she was acting.

That sounds really spiteful what you said, she's been with your dad a long time. Both of my parents are remarried and only within the last five years, but when I had my son last year and my sister had her son last year we both made a big effort to include our step parents even though we are all adults. They each have names special to them that we use for our babies.

@billy1966
You have made a very good point . What happens to you as a child affects you as an adult , your self worth , how you feel about yourself etc . I definitely think op would benefit from therapy.

And just because you don't see her as something close to family that doesn't mean that your child won't. Every time you take your child to see her grandad, your step mum will be there so your child will see her as a grandparent.

The only mistake you made was saying this before you have children.
it sounds calculated and part of a bigger problem.
I wouldn't have a step anything having the title of a blood relative, it would be so hurtful for the blood relative. I feel the same as you, but I certainly wouldn't have voiced it hypothetically, I can see why she was upset tbh.

To be honest, this could be either way.

It could be a mean and spiteful stepmother who has finally found a reason to banish an unwanted step-daughter from her father's home.

Or it could be a stepmother who has genuinely tried, but has always been met with nasty comments and coldness by her stepdaughter and has finally had enough.

Only you can know which of these is true.

I think the OP is getting a particularly hard time on here considering she was only a young teenager when her dad remarried and moved quite a distance away.

Her 3 sisters went on holiday every year with their folks and she was never invited. Maybe she would have gone, maybe not but it would have been nice to have been thought about at least. Also the fact that they never took her away, instead of saying that we won't be able to afford it with you included, this could have been done as a kind of payback for all the holidays that she missed out on. But no, she was told that it was all about her sisters again.

I think you’re using your stepmother as a scapegoat for your father’s behaviour and have made her the bad guy in your story.

First, you say you get on really well, then add you have resentment towards her and took “subtle” shots at her. Said resentment is about vacations that you admitted you weren’t that bothered about when your half-siblings were babies and toddlers ( not surprised considering your age at the time) but then are annoyed that they don’t pay for you when you’re an adult, you knowing they didn’t really have the money.

You need to sit down and talk to them both about your feelings on the past so you can move through it.

You also need to actually think about this from a parent’s point of view since you hope to be one and consider what it’s like to be a step parent. Your father and stepmother had two small children while you were a teen. Most of the things you would want to do on holiday would have been difficult with small children. Your father could have tried to do a small trip with just the two of you, but who knows how much time he had to do so with your siblings, his job, your own schedule and whatever your mother and her side had planned while also considering the schedule of his wife. Did your mum ever take your siblings on holiday with you both? Would you have expected her to? Also, don’t forget that before your parents split they made many memories with you through the years. Didn’t your siblings deserve the same with their dad and stepmom?

You were harsh with your stepmother and even colder when you said you didn’t care. Your stepmother is allowed to be hurt and your father to be hurt as well by your words. They share a house and have done so for over a decade. He is not going to make his wife leave their home for the person who has purposely hurt her. I also doubt your siblings were impressed about you hurting their mum either so probably might also be why you’re not allowed into their home.

He is your Dad, BUT he is also the Dad to your siblings and the husband to your stepmum. He is not loyal to just you and hasn’t been for years so you need to acknowledge and accept that. At least, he is still speaking to you and open to meeting up with you elsewhere.

You’re going to find yourself eating a big piece of humble pie once you become a parent.

I agree that you sound very immature for 29. Why would you expect still to be invited (and paid for?) on family holidays? There is no need to be snubbing your stepmother. It's not as if she lives on your doorstep; surely you can be polite a couple of times a year? Grow up and let go of your teenage resentments.

That was pretty spiteful since she's been in your life since you are 13. I have friends in the same position as you, and the step grandparent becomes "granny Jenny" or whatever. There's not a limit on how many grannies you can have.

Yabu you sound awful theres just need and you used you're imaginary child to have a pop at you're sm. By your own accounts you didnt want to go on the camp holidays and you went away with dm. You were only interested in going on the big holiday for free dispute being an adult.

You dad and new family moved from Kent to Cornwall?

YANBU at all and I'm surprised this point hasn't been picked up much.

She said that she is more upset about you not even apologizing. She is fully right in not wanting an arrogant person in her house.
How absolutely arrogant of you to not even sorry for being hurtful. You do realise it was your fathers responsibility to bring you on holidays? Why are you holding her responsible?
As you said you got along well so she was somewhat good to you. And to turn around and be so ugly nasty. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with you either.

@LouHotel it’s irrelevant.

I'm a SM and SGM. Oldest SD had a very strained relationship with her DF and me for many years but there was never a question of exclusion like this when she had her children; I'm Granny and there was never a suggestion that I wouldn't be. Why would you want to perpetuate your problem?

Your father is to blame for not including you, not your SM.

Wow. Yoir posts come across as harsh, bitter and cold. If you have treated SM with that attitude as an adult I'm not suprised she has finally had enough. Your an adult. You need to grow up with your attitude. Your SM is family, shes the mum of siblings you love even if you dont get on with her. Totally unhelpful saying shes not my blood etc - comes across as a petulant child.

You dad and new family moved from Kent to Cornwall?

Adults have to make difficult decisions. For all we know it was to take care of elderly relatives or due to finances/jobs.

It’s shitty when parents have to live far from their kids but it’s not usually done with malice in mind.

My DSD’s mum might want to return to her home country rather than stay in Britain post Brexit. It’ll be heartbreaking for DH and I if that happens but parents have to weigh up all their options and make pragmatic decisions. Not all parents can stay in the same area after a break up.

I think you're unreasonable to place all the blame on her when your Dad is at least 50% responsible for decisions like moving to Cornwall. He is more than 50% responsible for you feeling pushed out as he's your parent and should have been doing more than 50% of the work in blending you with your stepmother and half sisters.

It sounds like your stepmother is pretty great and it must be tough for her knowing that you love your half sisters and Dad but "Don't feel much" for her after all these years.

I see why she might not be granny but the way you announced it sounds pretty brutal. Your refusal to apologize for upsetting her is really cold. Most people who want their stepparent to be called Jenny rather than Granny Jenny don't want them to be upset when they break the news but it's pretty shocking that you have no empathy that she might be upset (you say "you don't care")

You want to be closer to that side of the family (invited on holiday etc) but statements like that as well as the "subtle shots" which should have been aimed at your Dad and not SM are probably why you're not invited on holiday and won't be in future. I totally understand why you've been asked not to stay at their house. You can't be close to your half sisters and Dad without your SM! As an adult woman you're wildly unreasonable to expect your Dad to stick up for you when you behave like this. You want him to pick you over his wife and kids and that's not what you do to someone you love.

How spiteful of you. My DMs husband isn't my dad. He's only been DMs husband for 5 years. But he's also been in DS' life since DS was born, and is definitely DS' grandad in all but blood. They adore each other. Honestly, what harm would it do for her to have some sort of grandparent title?

Yabu why can't she be nanny Jenny for example... I have had 2 step dad's so that's a lot of grandparents over the years and they were always grandad John or nanny Mary etc.

Well maybe it’s time for an honest conversation with her, and your father together, explain how she made you feel on those holidays, being left behind and not included, and the fact you felt pushed aside. Tell her that your relationship with her is not mother/daughter and never has been and she needs to take some responsibility for that. I would also say how upset you are that she is now making it difficult to see your father, and that’s not fair on you, all over a name. She will be a true grandmother when her children have kids, if they do. She should not be worrying about what she will be called to yours if you have any

Maybe this is the time to clear the air of resentments and if she won’t, then at least you have explained how you feel even if she won’t recondite it