SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

I don't know why you would announce that when you don't have children. That seems really odd to me. Also it isn't just your decision if she is their granny, your children will have an opinion on that. My son and his wife didn't want my husband called granddad. The children do, just not in front of them. I've heard them saying it to friends eg. I'm going shopping with granddad or whatever. They are closer to him than their grandfather, unfortunately their other grandfather is dead so my husband is definitely granddad to them.

Just to add it didn't bother my husband, he prefers his name and our children call him by his name and other grandchildren do as well, just seemed unpleasant to announce it as a done deal.

Moving 200 miles away from your child is shitty. Of course the OP doesn't feel much for her sm - she wasn't there day to day.
The dad should never have done it and the real fault lies with him but any woman worth her salt wouldn't have tolerated her husband effectively abandoning his child. SM didn't care, so OP feels nothing for her. Which is fair enough imo. It's harder to stop caring about your actual parent, even when they are a crappy parent.

I think bring called gran/grandpa is a big deal. To me it's reserved for people who are your actual parents or who raised you and treated you like theirs. It's not an automatic entitlement of marrying someone's parent! It's special.

I would talk to her, explain that you felt left out as a child and maybe that has led to how you feel now. You may be able to repair things.

We have been a blended family for years. My grandma was married again after divorcing my dads father. He brought my dad up from the age of 11, and although my dad never called him dad, he was our grandad, my DM was not happy about it, she felt it disrespectful to her DF. When my dad found his father and formed a relationship he was Grandad too. My DH is not my DC father, but he has raised them as if they were since they were little. Both now have his name and both now have children that he is Grandad to, ( the person who was to tell them he isn’t would be very brave indeed). My PIL are also nanny and grandad to them. My DS has taken on a little boy that was his partners, we have been around for 3 years and we are nanny colouring and grandad Fred ( not his real name). They also have a baby who is my DGC and our stepDGS is treated exactly the same as my other DGC.
Maybe you could come up with an an entirely different name for her, Bella or Nonna. I understand you want to retain the title of grandmother for your DM, but I also see why your Sm is hurt, maybe a compromise can be reached, just because she wasn’t a brilliant SM to you, does not mean she won’t be an amazing GP to your future children. Don’t deny your children a chance to have a lovely relationship with your DF because you feel ambivalent towards your SM.

Call her glamma because she is gorgeous.

Once again a female blaming a female for a situation that is actually the males fault.

@itsallthedramaMickiloveit I really am going to shit my mouth until I RTFT in future and save looking a nob.

OP you weren’t excluded as a child, you went with your mum so all children got equal holidays. (Better for you given the age range I imagine!) you were excluded as a 25-27? Year old! Which is crackers to be offended by and you know it!

You don’t have to like the woman but this poke may have backfired.

Apologise for her feeling upset. Call her what you decide. Be polite when you visit.

"Then a few years ago they went to Florida and said that I was a grown up now and they wouldn’t be able to go if paying for me too. My half sisters are still school aged so they always go by default. I was upset as this was actually a holiday I’d have liked to go on."

You expected them to pay for you when you were in your mid/late 20s??

My stepson and his DW were very clear when I announced on FB that I was going to be a step granny. I got a very firm “Not step granny. Granny xx”

I’d actually initially resisted such a title on the basis that it made me sound old. I would be “Jill” thank you very much. Then I got over myself and remembered I AM old.

However if they’d been insistent that I wasn’t deserving of the title Granny I’d have been a little hurt.

It's her home - why would she welcome someone as rude and unthoughtful as you in to it?

As it happens, my maternal grandmother died when my Mother was young, and we always called my Grandad's wife "Aunty" - but she was far nicer to us than my real grandmother, I liked her a lot better.

Haven't rtft.

My Mum married my step dad when I was an adult. He didnt live with us and was therefore never a 'dad' to me. ( I refer to him as step dad for ease, and call him step-papa as a joke). My dad was in a long term relationship when my ds1 was born.

I told them both I would love them to be Grandparents, but that ultimately it was their choice. They chose to be Grandpa Name and Nana Name. By the time ds1 was talking the Name had been dropped.
It's made it easier as step sibs have had DC as all the grandchildren call them the same things. And as they get older they start to learn who is who's parent.

I can see why your step mum was hurt.

I've been the mum having a baby with both parents having remarried since I became an adult. I didn't have a particularly strong relationship with either (tried hard but still hated that my DPs split).

I wasn't overly comfy with either being granny or grandpa. But I insisted I'd let it evolve or DD could choose.

Upshot was one step parent is grandpa and the other has a made up name based on their actual name which actually works very well.

They are both brilliant with DD and she adores them so as a parent you kind of have to just leave as much of your own baggage as you can at the door and your main aim is for your child to have as many adults caring about them and looking out for them as possible. You were a bit mean but I know how you feel.

My OH lived a 5 hour drive from DSD when we met and contact was made difficult, so I actively encouraged a move to the next town over from them when we were moving in together. We lived there for four years and DSD showed absolutely zero interest in us, despite a lot of effort on our part (there is an element of this that is due to how her mum behaves, but a lot of it is DSD too).

I take your point that a move is a big decision, but what really stands out from your post is how sad it is that you had to encourage your husband to move nearer to his daughter. Perhaps the lack of proximity for however long he was five hours away contributed to her lack of interest when he was persuaded to move nearer to her by a third party.

It looks as though you have chosen to move further away than was necessary to have cleaner air for your husband and kids as well. Not that I blame you, but it does seem as though his desire to be near her is conditional on her behaving in an 'acceptable way'. I hope I don't feel like that about my kids when they are stroppy teens.

Kent to Cornwall is a long way - nothing could make me want to live that far away from my kids. In fact, my father moving away from me when I was young was something that always made me feel disposable and inconvenient. I went from seeing him every weekend to school holidays only, and then even that dwindled as his new wife was a teacher who didn't want his 'old' kids hanging around during her school holidays, so we were gradually relegated to whenever was convenient for her. And that was his choice, so as much as I resented her for saying it, I resented him more for just going along with it.

she is my Dads wife to me and nothing else. I won’t apologise for it. It’s now been a couple of weeks and she feels that I should have apologised when it happened and that I hate her. I don’t - I just don’t really care either way.

I don't think you're being honest with yourself at all. It was clearly intended to hurt her feelings and you hit a bullseye but now don't want to deal with the consequences. You've got a lot of resentment and anger towards her but you pretend not to care.

Of course your Dad can't back you up, you're an adult and you won't apologise for deliberately upsetting someone else that he loves. If you want to continue to have a relationship with your Sisters you should apologise and try to be more honest, at least with your Dad, about your underlying hurt feelings.

I do think your SM is blowing this out of proportion.

You have been sidelined a bit in your father’s family life. Not being asked to join family holidays is hurtful.

My SIL I think feels similar to OP. SMIL was the other woman but there’s no animosity around it.

The dc all get on really well and adore eachother, there’s SDC & half siblings involved.

But DSIL is incredibly hurt by the way she isn’t included in family holidays, and doesn’t have a room in her father’s house. I think she compares it to her half siblings and step siblings having both. Alto step siblings are adults too albeit slightly younger in their late 20’s.

It does matter to SIL a huge amount.

DP thinks like most pp here that she needs to get over it and ‘grow up’ etc. I did point out to him that he says that sitting comfortably with us his family from a very financially stable and supportive place. Where his sister isn’t.

Some people feel loved by how physically included and supported they are. DP can take or leave his dad and his dad knows it and is very nice to him when they’re together. SIL needs to be included and shown she’s loved and just as important to her dad as her half and step siblings are to his new family.

OP I’d think very carefully how you proceed as you might find your DF walking away from you completely if it’s too difficult for him to have you around. He sounds like he’ll do anything for a quiet life instead of trying to mediate between you and his wife.

Also this will be a big deal when you have a baby and don’t let SM be called granny.

Following on from @AnneTwackie & @flirtygirl, & to take a more balanced view (on my part) in this spat & the future of the family in general.

So you are going through IVF, an emotional rollercoaster journey if ever there was one. All the emotions tangled up from the earliest part of your fertility journey through the gruelling processes & then the waiting - very challenging for anyone. Are you DF & SM aware of this? Are they supportive of you?

Again, I ask you to reflect upon your attitudes & behaviours.

No matter the emotional undercurrents of the years passed, the missed opportunities to bond with your father, SM & their children, no matter the seeds of your resentments, these matters are moot.

Because you as an adult have clearly hurt the feelings of another person, & you alone are responsible for putting this incident right by apologising. Whether the comment was deliberate, planned or off the cuff, you delivered the blow. It has been made clear that an apology from you would be accepted (therefore more than meeting you halfway) but you have declined this peace offering.

I expect that your DF & SM are in accord about not having you to stay in their home with your disruptive attitude & behaviours, & the compromise is the terms offered by your DH.

You could see this as the silver lining that you can have 1:1 time with your Dad. For a while this may work for you to salve some of your historic hurt, but it will run on how available & willing you both can be.

Bear in mind that both your DF & DM would have determined who you would holiday with & when during your teen years, NOT your SM. You mention money was short, so camping en famille was the default holiday with toddlers. Not much fun for a mid-late teen & odds are very little time for you & your dad, also not practical on the tent front - it would have been super smart to invite you or offer a short trip for you & Dad at another time, but people are fallible.

Please reflect upon on how a child’s perspective of events is not an absolute truth, & adults do this as well. For we all interpret events & motives by first impressions & experience teaches us to fact find, consider evidence & varying viewpoints before we land on a conclusion & take a fixed stance.

I ask you to reflect now as you are wholeheartedly bringing a child in to the world, & what you know as the facts of this will not be what people, & possibly your own child in due course, will see.

You’ve made “shots” over the years yet she’s always been good to you.

You go on and on about how she’s not your family, yet she’s somehow to blame for you not being invited on holidays, and not your father who is actually your family?

While on the subject - why should you be on her family holiday when you’re not family?

She won’t be a grandparent.

You’re not pregnant but you still felt the need to tell her this.

You’ve decided that what she’s hurt by is just a “spat”.

You’re an adult who wanted to be taken to Florida...

Yeah, YABU. Cruel and spiteful because you’re childish and jealous.

I don’t think I’d want you around either! 😬

But it can be salvaged if you grow up and apologise. And maybe see a therapist about your issues.

I'm in agreement with ExcessiveAdmin.
Your stepmother and Dad excluded you from family holidays even though you got on with your half or step ??? siblings. Now she wants to be granny 🙄
Did you never go on holidays with your dad once your parents split up ?

OP you weren’t excluded as a child, you went with your mum so all children got equal holidays

Ah, yes, holiday with one of your separated parents is enough. Learn to stop being an ungrateful brat. How dare you expect to be included in family holidays with your other parent.

FFS.

don't have hypothetical conversations where the upshot is you tell somebody that could easily feel love for you (or at least an emotional attachment) that they are nothing to you, have always been nothing to you and you're going to make sure that they are nothing to any children you have.

This. Gee, I wonder why she's upset?

Op for gods sake do some self reflection and stop playing the victim. You are behaving like a petulant 13 year old and you are almost 30.

NRTFT...

Why would you say that when it’s all hypothetical anyway?

You may never have kids. Your kids may decide to make up completely batshit names for all their grandparents, any of your 3 parental figures could pass away before you have children, etc etc.

I think it’s fine to assume you will always have a place in your father’s house when you are a child or young adult, but you are 30 now. Those days are long gone.

Send her a bunch of flowers and a card saying you realise now that saying this was and it’s all irrelevant for now anyway, and if you do ever have kids they will be lucky to have her as a bonus extra grandparent.

Or accept that your hypothetical children might never get to stay at granddad’s house. Your choice.

While on the subject - why should you be on her family holiday when you’re not family?

Maybe the OP doesn’t class this woman as ‘family’ precisely because she has been excluded from her father’s family for many years? Perhaps is the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back? And is it not OK to feel protective of the title ‘grandmother/grandma/nan/nanny/nanna/gran/granny and what that to be your own mum who carries it? What is actually wrong with that?

*you realise now that saying this was hurtful

Many years from now you’ might have your own step grandkids. I bet you’d find this hurtful too.

Your stepmotherand Dadexcluded you from family holidays even though you got on with your half or step ??? siblings. Now she wants to be granny
Op clearly said she didnt really want to go on the holidays.

Until it was florida and she was an adult.

@Sotiredofthislife fair enough if she refuses to see “this woman” as family. But then why is it “this woman’s” fault that OP wasn’t included on the holidays that she didn’t want to go on?

Why isn’t that her dad’s fault?