to take my child out in the cold

[tantrumingcoldchild]

Name changed for this!

I was trying to get my 3 year old daughter to nursery by 8 am for breakfast and so that I can get on with a big work project. She had a massive strop because she wanted to have Coco Pops at home. The general tantruming lasted almost an hour.

I finally forced her into her buggy (not something I normally do), but she ripped off her sweatshirt in the process and she was only in her vest. I attempted to put her coat on over her backwards but she angrily flung it off.

Knowing that she would quickly tire of the cold, I started the 7 minute walk to nursery. There was some very light snowy rain, just a few drops here and there. A woman saw me leaving my building with my daughter flailing around and screaming in her vest, and glared at me. She had a child with her.

When I was halfway down the block, the woman came back and asked me angrily if I had seen the weather and what my child was wearing. I explained that she was having a temper tantrum and I needed to work. I said that I was going to put her coat on her when she calmed down.

The woman insisted that this wasn't good enough and continued to berate me, saying it was horrible not to dress my child. I explained that my daughter had taken her clothes off and showed her the sweatshirt and coat which were ready and waiting.

She shouted at me some more and called me a crazy bitch. I asked her what she would do if she were going to get sacked for being late (this is theoretical, as I am not going to get sacked but I do need to work and I want my daughter to understand that there are boundaries and consequences. I let her make me late way too often). She told me that she would rather lose her job than take her child out in the cold and then yelled at me some more. I lost my temper and shouted back at her and she eventually left.

My daughter was quite upset. She asked if the lady was not nice to me. I explained that the woman was angry with me for not making my daughter wear her clothes in the cold. Then my original plan came to fruition: my daughter agreed to put her top and coat on, I hugged her and said I loved her, and we walked to nursery together.

So, was I unreasonable to take my daughter out in a vest when she was having a horrible temper tantrum?

@mantarays

So your solution to a tantrum, is to not go to work? To a doctors or hospital appointment?

Seriously?

And yes, people resorting to that is hilarious 😂

bingbangbing

I think my very first post was to say nothing short of hospital would induce me to take them out in this weather in a vest. So as “hilarious” as you might find my opinion, I suggest you read it before arguing with it. Helps.

I think this thread illustrates the two schools of parenting - that the parent is in charge and the child must always obey or that the child is an autonomous individual who can make their own choices (presuming this choices are not dangerous - getting a bit cold on the way to nursery doesn't fall into that category in my book). I am very much of the latter school. My mum was/is the former and it's done me no favours at all. You did the easiest and most pragmatic thing OP; the other woman should have butted out.

I don't use the term paddy and don't really know anyone who does (apart from my parents used to use it when I was little and still do) and I just looked it up after mumsnet posted that message I never even knew it came from that meaning!

I would have done exactly the same. A very good lesson to teach that you won't change your routine because of her tantrum. If she was so cold it 2as painful, she'd have quickly calmed down and asked for clothes.

You can always use this instance as an example next time she has a tantrum.

Honestly, she is very sweet and can be thoughtful (despite being strong willed) and I think that it really upset her that the lady was yelling at me over her refusal to wear her clothes. If anything will make an impression on her, it is that mummy got shouted at because of her tantrum!

(So in a way, I think the telling off may get my daughter to be more compliant in the future)

@mantarays

Isn’t it just possible that the OP is in a different part of the country that isn’t as cold as where you are

That the OP has to work and therefore not taking her to nursery isn’t an option. The consequences for DD of OP losing her job would be rather more serious than being a bit cold for a few minutes.

The child wasn’t naked as you repeatedly assert.

Do stop frothing.

I would’ve given her a little bowl of coco pops to eat on the way. Bribery works wonders!

And OP you did nothing wrong. The other woman should have butted out.

Isn’t it just possible that the OP is in a different part of the country that isn’t as cold as where you are

Well, snow is snow. If it’s snowing (and she says it was) it’s too cold to take her child out in a vest.

That the OP has to work and therefore not taking her to nursery isn’t an option. The consequences for DD of OP losing her job would be rather more serious than being a bit cold for a few minutes.

The OP has been very clear that that wasn’t going to happen.

YANBU. My son wouldn't wear many clothes when he was younger (it turns out he has ASD) he would only wear short sleeved t-shirt and trousers. I took him to the GP who reassured me that providing I have warmer clothes available to him and offer them at regular intervals (which I did) unless he looks to be shivering and/or going blue at all just let him choose. He always looked absolutely fine not shivering at all. He just didn't feel the cold. I got shouted at once in the street when it was cold in January that I was a stupid fucking bitch and got lots of nasty looks. On the other side I've a few times seen in the play park a child is running around and the parent won't let them take their coat off even though they are saying they are overheated and want it off just because the parent is cold from standing still. I think it's mean but I keep my nose out assuming they know their child better than me and don't verbally abuse them in front of their child teaching the child swear words.

If anything will make an impression on her, it is that mummy got shouted at because of her tantrum!

Please don’t tell her this. Please. Mummy got shouted at because Mummy made a bad decision and someone decided to discuss it (albeit, perhaps, aggressively). It’s not your 3 year old’s fault.

YANBU OP.
Many people associate discipline with punishment and they are against it.
Needs must, you have to work and your daughter needs to go to the nursery.
I don’t believe in “ignore bad behaviour and praise good” as bad behaviour needs to be addressed as well.

Situations like this teach your child that you are the person in charge.
Children need guidance and boundaries, otherwise they’ll struggle as adults.

Not everyone has a “spirited child” and those that don’t just don’t have a clue. It sounds like you did everything right. Hang in there, those nursery mornings can be tough but you’ll come out the other side eventually.

This thread is bonkers. Abuse. Social services. Christ alive.

YANBU OP. You had to get on with things, she wasn't going to die of hypothermia on a seven-minute walk to nursery, and she ended up wearing the clothes anyway.

I live in the north-east of Scotland where it gets very cold, and no one is going to be harmed by seven minutes of being a bit cold, especially coming from a warm house.

Blah blah blah all these people saying they wouldn't let a three year old run their lives. I think they're ridiculous as kids (whether due to behaviour or just by existing) will have an impact on your life.

My son could on a bad day but a pain in the morning. At the end of the day you got her to nursery and got to work with no harm done. Yes it was cold and ideally she'd be layered up but Life goes on.

And the next time she refuses her coat on you can remind her how cold she was (and about the witch of a lady if you wish).

I've been late because of my kids so many times whether it behaviour, a last minute nappy change, feeding or they decided looking at every bush on the way to school was more interesting no matter how much I tried to jolly them on.

Your daughter is happy and well loved. Her needs are being met very well so f** anyone else's opinion

This thread is gross.

Anyone who's had a child who's worked themselves up into that level of rage knows that literally cooling off and a change of scene is probably helpful.

Have I ever sent my kid out in similar circumstances? No. But that's because u haven't been there. In the same situation I might well have done the same.

All these people with their kids have never had your child. Never had the circumstances you did. And 7 minutes in a pram with no coat on as the child demands is not the worst day you'll have as a parent.

I wouldn't have been able to have taken her out in just a vest though and I would judge someone I saw doing this.

This. The OP said there was snow on the ground - I’m not aware of snow forming in warm weather, it couldn’t have been more that 3 degrees outside. While that might not be enough to freeze to death, it’s far too cold to go outside undressed. I’d have fought the battle over dressing and carried the coat with me. We’ve all had times we needed to get somewhere quickly but in this case the OP said it was to allow her to get an early start on getting some work done. She categorically said she wouldn’t have been sacked, so the early start was to suit her - and never happened anyway. It’s not the first time I’ve had to adjust my plans for a child who wasn’t playing ball, it happens sometimes.

The OP said her morning is frequently derailed by her daughter suggesting the morning routine isn’t working. Children aren’t little adults, they are still leaning and can’t always just fit in seamlessly to adult plans - sometimes there needs to be wiggle room and sometimes we need to change our preferred routine to help our children do what they need to do. I don’t however give my child the choice of going out in winter with no clothes on.

YABU to give a 3yr old coco pops for breakfast.

I would have told the interfering woman to mind her own business and certainly not justified myself to her. Silly bitch. All kids tantrum and often it's at the worst possible moments when you're in a rush etc. I've been there many a time. It's hard.

@mantarays

The "I'm entitled to my opinion" thing is always hilarious.

Of course you're entitled to it. Other people are entitled to disagree with it. They're even entitled to laugh at it.

I love the fact that you'd just not go to work. Would you honestly tell your boss that you couldn't come to work because your child wouldn't put their coat on?

@JRUIN wtf?
Seriously?

@JRUIN I agree it's not the healthiest breakfast but don't judge

@JRUIN

Excuse me? What's wrong with cocopops? They might not be the healthiest but it's better for a child to eat something and have some milk than starve?

My child has Weetabix warm
Rice crispies
Cocopops
Readybrek
Cornflakes

We vary it each week and each day. No ody has ever died from cocopops. I don't know many kids who want fruit salad for breakfast either!