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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to take my child out in the cold

479 replies

tantrumingcoldchild · 27/02/2020 10:00

Name changed for this!

I was trying to get my 3 year old daughter to nursery by 8 am for breakfast and so that I can get on with a big work project. She had a massive strop because she wanted to have Coco Pops at home. The general tantruming lasted almost an hour.

I finally forced her into her buggy (not something I normally do), but she ripped off her sweatshirt in the process and she was only in her vest. I attempted to put her coat on over her backwards but she angrily flung it off.

Knowing that she would quickly tire of the cold, I started the 7 minute walk to nursery. There was some very light snowy rain, just a few drops here and there. A woman saw me leaving my building with my daughter flailing around and screaming in her vest, and glared at me. She had a child with her.

When I was halfway down the block, the woman came back and asked me angrily if I had seen the weather and what my child was wearing. I explained that she was having a temper tantrum and I needed to work. I said that I was going to put her coat on her when she calmed down.

The woman insisted that this wasn't good enough and continued to berate me, saying it was horrible not to dress my child. I explained that my daughter had taken her clothes off and showed her the sweatshirt and coat which were ready and waiting.

She shouted at me some more and called me a crazy bitch. I asked her what she would do if she were going to get sacked for being late (this is theoretical, as I am not going to get sacked but I do need to work and I want my daughter to understand that there are boundaries and consequences. I let her make me late way too often). She told me that she would rather lose her job than take her child out in the cold and then yelled at me some more. I lost my temper and shouted back at her and she eventually left.

My daughter was quite upset. She asked if the lady was not nice to me. I explained that the woman was angry with me for not making my daughter wear her clothes in the cold. Then my original plan came to fruition: my daughter agreed to put her top and coat on, I hugged her and said I loved her, and we walked to nursery together.

So, was I unreasonable to take my daughter out in a vest when she was having a horrible temper tantrum?

OP posts:
mantarays · 27/02/2020 12:48

Confuddledtown

I’m not ignorant or indignant about the fact that people do things differently, Confuddled. I believe this is an example of poor parenting. That is a view I am entitled to hold. You can keep being arsey about that but I believe your defensiveness shows more about you than it does me.

BecauseReasons · 27/02/2020 12:48

Great post @Emmie412x

Straycatstrut · 27/02/2020 12:50

My 3 year old did the same thing but about his hat/scarf/gloves this morning. It was sleeting too and we have a mile to walk there. He refused all the way to put them on. Stubborn little thing that he is at the moment. I also have a 7 year old to get to school, and have to concentrate on crossing some difficult roads.

By the time I was waving him into Nursery he was crying his eyes out and his hands were red raw and freezing. I told his Nursery teacher and she said "Ah well that's a lesson learnt isn't it?" then took him inside to get warm.

Enchiladas · 27/02/2020 12:50

Do grown adults still not know that everyone parents differently? I never understand why threads like this always end up in a 'me vs you' style slagging off match. Just accept not everyone does things exactly the same way you do and get over it.

Not aimed at anyone in particular, just the general slew of angry mums.

StoppinBy · 27/02/2020 12:50

I just realised that you said she was tantruming for an hour, while I would certainly not argue over a jacket I think it is very unfair to expect her to wait so long for breakfast.

She must be so hungry. We eat breakfast within 20 minutes of being up usually, I couldn't imagine asking my kids to wait as long as you are for breakfast.

Posters who think you can just use physical force all the time need to consider the time that their child is too big to be forced, if that is your go to parenting mode you are going to be in a lot of trouble if they are oppositional type of children. Let them learn in a safe way, let them feel the cold but take their jacket for when they realise they were silly to not put it on in the first place.

bingbangbing · 27/02/2020 12:51

@mantarays

If I used enough force to make my son wear a coat when he really didn't want to, I'd end up bruising him or breaking his bones.

He's a strong willed person. He's like me. I can empathise perfectly with what he is going through at that moment.

He happily puts his coat on now, we just got in from a trip to the park and he asked for his gloves. That is because he has been taught why these things are necessary.

You're showing a stupendous lack of empathy or understanding that some children are different to yours.

bingbangbing · 27/02/2020 12:52

Ha ha! When someone resorts to "I'm entitled to my opinion...."

🍿

Original poster
tantrumingcoldchild · 27/02/2020 12:52

@StoppinBy She wasn't that hungry. I tried to give her a banana when we got to nursery but she refused it.

OP posts:
Bookoffacts · 27/02/2020 12:53

Ffs @straycat.
Couldn't you have done something mid journey.
Toddlers are human too.
Would you like to be pushed out for a mile while you cried till you were red raw with the cold!

Confuddledtown · 27/02/2020 12:54

I do things differently than you but would never judge you or say you make poor parenting decisions, just different ones to me. Teaching through consequences is a perfectly valid method of parenting. Just because you disagree doesnt make it poor. I appreciate it is a view you are entitled to hold, but that doesnt make you free from being challenged on it.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 12:54

bingbangbing

My DD is an incredibly wilful child. If I couldn’t get her out of the house in her coat without bruising her or breaking her bones on a snowy day, we would have to stay in. There’s no question of her leaving the house in a vest in this weather. That’s my decision as her parent.

I don’t empathise with the OP here. I find her decision making very hard to understand. And I am an empathetic person in general. I just don’t believe this decision was justifiable.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Wtfdoipick · 27/02/2020 12:54

Trying to force my child is like pouring oil on a fire, it will turn a 2 minute sulk into a 2 hour tantrum. I would do what the op did simply because the only way to handle her is to completely ignore the tantrum. We are doing this, you can put your clothes on if not we are still doing this. She has learnt that I mean it, force didn't work, I found that out the hard way with a bust lip, scratch marks, bite marks. If she is in that mood I have no choice but to back off and let her calm herself down, ok that sometimes means putting her in a buggy and doing what we have to do otherwise it just all starts again when I ask again. No 2 children are identical and what works for one does not necessarily work for the next, good parenting means working with your child and not against them. Forcing my child would be detrimental to us both and just build anger and resentment in her.

I've never got to the end of the street without her being fully dressed. She just needs to know that I'm not having the argument.

Wormwoodm · 27/02/2020 12:54

I remember my toddler having a huge tantrum and continuously kicking his shoes off in his buggy one day. In the end I put them in my bag as I was worried he would lose one (new shoes). A lady had a go at me saying it was disgusting to have him in a buggy with no shoes and I should be ashamed of myself etc. I showed her the shoes and explained he kept taking them off and throwing them. Made me feel like shit!

mantarays · 27/02/2020 12:56

I do things differently than you but would never judge you or say you make poor parenting decisions, just different ones to me.

Say or don’t say whatever you like. As you point out, we don’t all do or think the same things. I think this decision by the OP was a poor one, she asked and I have therefore said. I am not going to pretend I think all parenting decisions are equal. I think some are good, some are middling and some are bad.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 12:56

Ha ha! When someone resorts to "I'm entitled to my opinion...."

Yeah. Funny. Hmm

BigChocFrenzy · 27/02/2020 12:59

YANBU

As the poster from Norway said,
the official advice in a much colder country is to just take the clothes with you

You may not get the sack if you are late, but plenty of other people would
and a DC would be far more traumatised by the family then having to rely on foodbanks, even be homeless

Not everyone can allow infinite time for tantrums, or always overpower a very strong-willed child

Bookoffacts · 27/02/2020 13:00

She was obviously over distressed and over hungry and over thirsty by the time she got to nursery. My kids also eat breakfast within 20 mins of getting up. Often before getting dressed, in pj's.
That's your second big parenting mistake.
This thread is too depressing. I'm going now but please give your child breakfast and a drink every day at home before leaving home and put them in weather suitable clothing. Even if you have to force them to wear it.

wishywashy6 · 27/02/2020 13:00

My DS has been to the supermarket barefoot and topless in all weathers for this very reason 😂

No you were not BU. That woman sounds crazy!

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 27/02/2020 13:01

@mantarays you're being very judgemental. No one else thinks you're a rubbish parent op. There'll always be people who can't wait to judge and put you down - don't take it yo heart!

mantarays · 27/02/2020 13:04

mantarays you're being very judgemental.

I guess I am, in this instance, if judgemental means saying honestly, I think this was shit. Yes.

AppleBang · 27/02/2020 13:04

Well, taking this back several steps .. I'd have ..

Given a small bowl of coco pops before the tantrum had a chance to start. So you're not caving over cereal, you're getting yourself ahead of the game and side stepping what then happened

I wouldn't have been able to have taken her out in just a vest though and I would judge someone I saw doing this.

You did ask! And that's my opinion

MNHQ
LouMumsnet · 27/02/2020 13:04

Afternoon, everyone. We're just poking our heads around the door to say that we've had a number of reports about the use of the term 'paddy' in some posts on the thread.

Just so folk are aware, this is no longer considered an acceptable term - either in RL or on the boards - and we remove it accordingly, whenever it's flagged up to us.

On this occasion, we've edited out the offending phrase and have replaced it with 'tantrum', indicating on the post that it's been tweaked by MNHQ.

We hope that makes sense - and please do bear in mind that whilst it may have been considered an everyday, acceptable phrase in the past, it's certainly not one that we want to see on the boards now or in the future.

Thanks all.

TheFastandTheCurious · 27/02/2020 13:05

9 degrees here @mantarays and we've had snow on and off. Not that cold really

Straycatstrut · 27/02/2020 13:05

@Bookoffacts

I tried repeatedly putting them on him and he kept pulling them off and flinging them on the floor, into the wet puddles, which meant we kept having to stop so I could pick them all up. My eldest then started shouting at me, scared about being late. Of course I wouldn't like to be crying because I was red raw with cold, that's why I cover up and why I was desperately trying to get my youngest to as well.

Every time I asked him to, and tried to put them on him, he got more and more angry.

Surfer25 · 27/02/2020 13:07

An hour?!

She would have been out that door in her pyjamas I wouldn't have pandered to her for an hour