to take my child out in the cold

[tantrumingcoldchild]

Name changed for this!

I was trying to get my 3 year old daughter to nursery by 8 am for breakfast and so that I can get on with a big work project. She had a massive strop because she wanted to have Coco Pops at home. The general tantruming lasted almost an hour.

I finally forced her into her buggy (not something I normally do), but she ripped off her sweatshirt in the process and she was only in her vest. I attempted to put her coat on over her backwards but she angrily flung it off.

Knowing that she would quickly tire of the cold, I started the 7 minute walk to nursery. There was some very light snowy rain, just a few drops here and there. A woman saw me leaving my building with my daughter flailing around and screaming in her vest, and glared at me. She had a child with her.

When I was halfway down the block, the woman came back and asked me angrily if I had seen the weather and what my child was wearing. I explained that she was having a temper tantrum and I needed to work. I said that I was going to put her coat on her when she calmed down.

The woman insisted that this wasn't good enough and continued to berate me, saying it was horrible not to dress my child. I explained that my daughter had taken her clothes off and showed her the sweatshirt and coat which were ready and waiting.

She shouted at me some more and called me a crazy bitch. I asked her what she would do if she were going to get sacked for being late (this is theoretical, as I am not going to get sacked but I do need to work and I want my daughter to understand that there are boundaries and consequences. I let her make me late way too often). She told me that she would rather lose her job than take her child out in the cold and then yelled at me some more. I lost my temper and shouted back at her and she eventually left.

My daughter was quite upset. She asked if the lady was not nice to me. I explained that the woman was angry with me for not making my daughter wear her clothes in the cold. Then my original plan came to fruition: my daughter agreed to put her top and coat on, I hugged her and said I loved her, and we walked to nursery together.

So, was I unreasonable to take my daughter out in a vest when she was having a horrible temper tantrum?

Confuddledtown

With respect, the OP asked WSBU. “Sweeping statements” are just my opinion on that question of hers. I think a 3 year old with no understanding of how the cold might affect her after a few minutes is too young to make that decision. We make it for her as good parents.

@waterloosunsets
Very well said and quite right.
Managed to spend all morning on MN so work not so vital after all.
The woman in the street was right.

It takes a community to raise a child.

All those saying that they never do this...

You're idiots. Complete idiots

You probably have nice, passive, small children. I have a three year old who has the size and strength of a six year old.

I have allowed him to go out without a coat, hat or gloves in the cold. He rapidly finds out why these things are necessary. We have no arguments about it now.

This is called teaching. You're supposed to do this with your children. Expecting them to blindly follow orders does not teach them anything. Sometimes it is necessary, when they're about to jump in front of a car for example.

@Mymycherrypie

That's an awesome approach

Besides, I think it’s a bit silly to turn this into a discussion about “authoritarian” parenting. The OP here was absolutely insistent that she was getting her own way, come hell or high water, wasn’t she? She’s hardly modelling choice for her DD. Just “my way or the highway” and if that hurts the child, tough.

Mantarays

Me and the OP are good parents too 👍

She is just stubborn and decided she wanted Coco Pops.

But you already said, The issue wasn't the Coco Pops. It's that she needed to have breakfast at nursery.

So which is it?

You probably have nice, passive, small children.

Nope. And I am not an idiot either, thanks. I don’t expect my DD to follow orders “blindly”. There are a small number of things she gets no say in, which is because she is 3.

She also will do this at dinner - demand dessert and when I point out that she has plenty of dinner left she will say she is hungry for dessert, not dinner.

Is that not just being human though - sometimes I’d rather eat dessert than dinner (and sometimes I’ll do just that), not saying you always let her eat cake but it’s not a big deal that she wants to.

I think the issue is that she was stripped down to a vest, not that she didn’t have a coat on - the coat I totally get but I wouldn’t have left the house without her having clothes on. It’s cold outside (I’m loving all this zero degrees isn’t cold nonsense), and we get dressed to go outside whether it’s cold or not.

And in any event, what happened this morning hasn’t allowed you actually to come home and do what you need to do you were still late, and still distracted from your work. I know how hard it can be but the strategies you’re using aren’t working by any measure.

My two are up at 7 to leave for school at 8.45 precisely because I know my DD struggles sometimes and that can take a long time to diffuse and work through - if you want to go the long road (trying to negotiate, let her burn herself out etc) you need to allow time for that in your morning. I wouldn’t have taken my child out in a vest, but would have carried their coat til they decided they were cold.

Confuddledtown

That’s a subjective opinion. Mine is that the OP’s parenting today was poor.

You let her paddy for an hour.

Can we leave out the racist language please.

Completely agree Spudlet. I've reported the offending posts, and MNHQ are editing them. They used to delete them, it's a shame this policy has changed.

OP, take heart, we all have those mornings. Think I would've given up on breakfast quicker and bundled into the buggy, but I could well see the battle over clothes in our house. Might've put the rain cover on the buggy but that causes battles here too and probably would've made things worse.

Hope your day has improved, and you have a nice evening together.

If I just had my DS's I may well be the parent saying 'oh no he must have a coat on...just put it on' etc. However my DD has schooled me in parenting and if she wouldn't put the coat on the fucking coat would not be going on. She's a teen now (and still belligerent at times!) but I wish I could deliver each and every preachy parent on this thread a little clone of her 3 year old self. I guarantee you'd be running down the road with the kid in a vest clutching the coat in your hands 😂 Newsflash: a kid being a bit cold for a short time will not die or explode. Some people on this thread need to get a fucking grip!

Give your child breakfast every day. Child was probably hungry. Crying is tiring.

Do you think your child had a tantrum because she was hungry, and you refused to feed her. Would have probably been quicker to just let her have breakfast at home.

I don't judge anyone anymore. Two kids in and I know they have their own mind. My kids strip off and pull the rain cover off in the rain etc.

I personally wouldn't of left with her like that. Id of put her stuff on and forced her into her straps and told her enough in a firm voice. Hopefully the straps would stop them stripping. That said your child might be a mastermind of escaping etc.

People are quick to judge. I can't believe she was so rude to you. Despite it not being very nice temp wise for her she did it to herself. Kids don't die from getting cold for a few minutes. It wouldn't technically do her harm for a few minutes either.

Kids can be stubborn little sods at times. Hope tomorrow is a better day xx

But the coat wasnt the start. The cocopops were and in this instance where she was stressed and wanted to get out the door giving a few cocopos isnt going to hurt

I'm not turning it into a discussion on authoritarian parenting, I was addressing pp comments saying that they are the boss and the child needs to toe the line. I was saying some parents use a consequence based teaching approach. I also went on to say there is nothing wrong with either, different horses for different courses. You are the one who cant see past that what you do with your children is the only way to do things and being flippant on other effective parenting methods.

also went on to say there is nothing wrong with either, different horses for different courses. You are the one who cant see past that what you do with your children is the only way to do things and being flippant on other effective parenting methods.

We are all entitled to an opinion. Mine is that taking your child out practically naked in the snow isn’t part of any effective method. That’s an example of whatever you are doing not working and needing to change.

Mine is that the OP’s parenting today was poor.

What's the name of your perfect parenting book? Post us a link so we can all buy a copy and bath in your glorious parental enlightenment 🙄

Confuddledtown

We don’t all read parenting books.

As you have clearly demonstrated.

Confuddledtown

Eh? How have I demonstrated it? And if you already knew I didn’t, why did you ask?

Every child is different and some are more strong willed than others. A firm 'no' and manhandling are enough for some to calm down where it just throws oil in the fire for others...

I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own anger and annoyance that we start seeing the children as 'difficult' and viewing the tantrum situation as something to we have to win and show to our kids who the boss is. Maybe we are also worried about giving in to our children so that we don't set a precedent. And we don't really allow children to have crap days and crap moods like we do ourselves, we berate them for bad attitude and poor behavior.

Along the lines of how to talk so that kids listen, a little sympathy, acknowledgement and reading between the lines sometimes goes a long way, without actually having to give in the request.
Giving in fantasy: 'I see you would really like cocopops. Unfortunately we don't have any. I wish I could make you a biiiiiiig cocopops castle with milk moat, with a cocopops princess and dragon. What else could you make out of cocopops?' I have tried something similar with my youngest and it has actually helped to defuse the situation so that it does not escalate into a never ending tantrum but turns into a fun silly exercise. A bit like when they really want a toy in the shop, it has helped to say along the lines 'oh wouldn't that be lovely. Why don't I take a picture of you with it and you can then wish it for your birthday' (most likely forgotten already by the time you leave the shop)

My experience also from my two kids is that often the reason for the tantrum has got nothing to do with what is actually bothering them, mine are horrendous when tired and hungry. And sometimes we really need a hug and sympathy the most, when we least deserve it...

I am not actually being judgmental here, just reflective as my own parenting style can be quite strict and I have found that remembering empathy works better - when I remember!

Good one @confuddledtown

I was suggesting you must have written one yourself, being such an expert on all things parenting.

And demonstrated it by your complete ignorance and indignation that some parents do things differently than you and that equates to poor parenting, despite the number of pp saying they would have done the same thing as the OP.

Oh, and my daughter isn't two yet and can physically overpower me in the right circumstances. I could well believe I won't be able to force a coat on her in a year or two.