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AIBU?

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Original poster

to take my child out in the cold

479 replies

tantrumingcoldchild · 27/02/2020 10:00

Name changed for this!

I was trying to get my 3 year old daughter to nursery by 8 am for breakfast and so that I can get on with a big work project. She had a massive strop because she wanted to have Coco Pops at home. The general tantruming lasted almost an hour.

I finally forced her into her buggy (not something I normally do), but she ripped off her sweatshirt in the process and she was only in her vest. I attempted to put her coat on over her backwards but she angrily flung it off.

Knowing that she would quickly tire of the cold, I started the 7 minute walk to nursery. There was some very light snowy rain, just a few drops here and there. A woman saw me leaving my building with my daughter flailing around and screaming in her vest, and glared at me. She had a child with her.

When I was halfway down the block, the woman came back and asked me angrily if I had seen the weather and what my child was wearing. I explained that she was having a temper tantrum and I needed to work. I said that I was going to put her coat on her when she calmed down.

The woman insisted that this wasn't good enough and continued to berate me, saying it was horrible not to dress my child. I explained that my daughter had taken her clothes off and showed her the sweatshirt and coat which were ready and waiting.

She shouted at me some more and called me a crazy bitch. I asked her what she would do if she were going to get sacked for being late (this is theoretical, as I am not going to get sacked but I do need to work and I want my daughter to understand that there are boundaries and consequences. I let her make me late way too often). She told me that she would rather lose her job than take her child out in the cold and then yelled at me some more. I lost my temper and shouted back at her and she eventually left.

My daughter was quite upset. She asked if the lady was not nice to me. I explained that the woman was angry with me for not making my daughter wear her clothes in the cold. Then my original plan came to fruition: my daughter agreed to put her top and coat on, I hugged her and said I loved her, and we walked to nursery together.

So, was I unreasonable to take my daughter out in a vest when she was having a horrible temper tantrum?

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 27/02/2020 14:37

I have no idea what he will do or won’t do. But if he doesn’t feel the cold maybe he won’t?

If the child has a medical condition that means he doesn't feel the cold at all then all bets are off, but a child who can feel the cold will give it up before they come to harm. Same as they wont allow themselves to starve to death even if they don't like carrots.

Being unaware of danger is a completely different thing.

myself2020 · 27/02/2020 14:37

@mantarays i‘ve reported your posts. you are making up things that are clearly untrue to make the op look bad, and yourself good
the child was not naked in the snow, she was plain simply not wearing her sweater and coat while in a buggy for a very short time. both are very different things

DesLynamsMoustache · 27/02/2020 14:37

@JustInCaseCakeHappens Nah, just misguided Wink

mantarays · 27/02/2020 14:38

Letting them learn the hard way is not abuse

In this case we will have to differ on that. No hat or gloves or something and I wouldn’t be saying this. Even no coat. But just a vest isn’t acceptable, in my view.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 14:39

myself2020

She was in her vest. Not just not wearing her sweater and coat. Just a vest. Which is a tiny, thin layer of cotton not covering arms, chest or throat.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 14:40

WaxOnFeckOff

I don’t think it’s within the capacity of a 3 year old to understand that the cold might make them ill. I wouldn’t leave the decision with a child of that age. Others can disagree, but that is where I stand on this.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 14:41

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DesLynamsMoustache · 27/02/2020 14:41

Seven minutes of being cold is not going to make a child ill. The OP wasn't taking her on a three-hour mountain climb. She was going on a seven-minute journey from her warm home to a warm nursery.

WaxOnFeckOff · 27/02/2020 14:43

I don’t think it’s within the capacity of a 3 year old to understand that the cold might make them ill.

The cold doesn't make you ill. It makes you cold and if you have access to warmth then you'll take it. A child younger than 3 has the capacity to understand this. I wonder why you don't?

that is where I stand on this.

Hopefully in the warm?

FruitorCheese · 27/02/2020 14:43

The only response to people having a go at you is "you are not helping, goodbye.

A very good response. It's firm but not rude and makes it clear you're having a hard time with your child but dealing with it.

Laughing at how a few drops of sleety rain becomes snow on the ground.

You had a rotten start to the day, OP. It happens.

DesLynamsMoustache · 27/02/2020 14:45

I think someone who isn’t willing to force their child to do things that keep them safe needs to step away from the parenting.

Sure, for things that are actually unsafe, such as car seats or not running into the road or eating pebbles. But seven minutes undressed in a pram isn't a safety issue. It's a moderate comfort issue at most.

OpportunityKnocks · 27/02/2020 14:46

@mantarays please stop being so awful and accusing people of abuse. What is the safety issue here that puts the child in danger?
The op is not denying her child clothing. The op is expecting her child to put a jumper on pdq.
Physically forcing a child into clothes is likely to result in injury.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 14:46

Seven minutes of being cold is not going to make a child ill.

I don’t know that as a medical fact, actually. Children are far more susceptible than adults to frostbite and hypothermia. It’s not a risk I would take with my 3 year old.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 14:47

Physically forcing a child into clothes is likely to result in injury.

I would say very unlikely to result in injury, seeing as it is what virtually every parent I know would do before taking their child out in underwear.

And yes, I can stop saying it. Everyone here can see what I think already.

Episcomama · 27/02/2020 14:49

What temperature was it, OP? I think that would inform my response*. But some of the PP here are insane. The way I see it; tantruming child - parent needs to get to work (even at home) - child needs to experience the consequences of its actions. I don't think what you did sounds terrible at all - although I too have a "spirited" child so I know what a challenge it could be.

I'm assuming that it's not colder than freezing - which makes it around 30 degrees F or warmer. For context, I live somewhere very cold in winter and the other day my kids were running around a playground in tshirts and shorts when it was 20 degrees F (so around -6C). Were they chilly? Yes. Did they get frostbite? No. Did they ignore my repeated requests to put their coats on? Yes. They didn't expire and they might think a little harder next time...

WaxOnFeckOff · 27/02/2020 14:50

jesus, you physically pin your child to the floor to get them to put clothes on? I think you'll find that is doing far more harm to them than letting them understand what cold feels like.

Honestly, I'd report you for that. Your poor child.

DesLynamsMoustache · 27/02/2020 14:50

And that's fine. Physically pinning a screaming child to the ground and wrestling with them for the sake of a seven-minute journey isn't how I like to parent. But i don't think it's necessarily abusive to do that. It's just not my own parenting method.

You are telling the OP that she is being abusive. That's light years from saying it's not something you would do personally.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 14:51

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Juliette20 · 27/02/2020 14:52

I fully sympathise. People used to tell me off because my daughter had kicked her shoes and socks off in summer, she never wanted anything on her feet! DD1 went to nursery in pyjamas one time after a tantrum, and nearly went to school in them in reception.

DDs are 14 and 11 now, I still remind them to put their coat on, and cannot get them to wear hats, scarves or gloves in cold weather. They never feel the cold!

mantarays · 27/02/2020 14:53

DesLynamsMoustache

Then we think different things.

I have to address the tone and thinking behind what you are saying here. Is it this: if I think the OP’s behaviour is abusive, I cannot say that, because you can just as easily call me abusive, but you choose not to? Is that it? Am I somehow obligated to pretend I think the events in the OP’s home this morning were fine, just an example of people doing thing a differently, when actually I don’t think that at all? If so, why? When did it become a more heinous action to say you think something is wrong, than to actually carry out a wrong action?

DesLynamsMoustache · 27/02/2020 14:56

You can say it all you like, but people are free to challenge it and call it ridiculous. And calling it abusive doesn't make it so.

You're not obligated to do anything, although I would recommend engaging common sense from time to time, but it's not mandatory. But just as you're entitled to say it's abuse, I am entitled to say it's nonsense. And if you go around calling people abusive but then admit to things like physically pinning your child down, then it weakens your argument a little 🤷🏻‍♀️

WaxOnFeckOff · 27/02/2020 14:58

That's a deal manta.

There is a line between stuffing a recalcitrant toddler into a jacket and pinning down a 3 year old and dressing them against their will. I hope you know where that line is.

wishywashy6 · 27/02/2020 14:58

Okay. Well, no nipping anything in the bud here. My DD can be a terror when she has a tantrum. But when it comes to getting clothes on her against her will, I physically pin her to the floor and put them on her one leg or arm at a time. Then I physically strap her in the buggy or car seat. It’s not fun but it works.
See, this is something I have never done, nor would ever do. I don't see how this is any better or more effective than letting them come to the conclusion on their own that maybe mummy was right and they need to listen. Generally only ever had to have the argument once over such things for her to learn.
I realised after many many attempts with DS that he actually really hates being warm so we just let him judge for himself now.

They don’t know what harm is. You see above that there is a child who likes rolling round in the snow naked. I assume it isn’t uncomfortable for him. That doesn’t mean it can’t harm him.

He's made it to 7 without ever having a day off school for illness so he seems to be doing ok so farGrin I certainly won't be bubble wrapping him anytime soon for fear of a bit of cold somehow harming him anyway. *
*

Nonnymum · 27/02/2020 14:58

Ignore her, you know what the situation was. Children dont seem to feel the cold the se as adults. If she was uncomfortable she would have asked to have her coat on. 3 year olds are difficult and can be very strong willed.
Also I wonder if she was tired? it sounds as though she just wasn't ready to leave the house eaeky. I know the feeling, it's hard to leave a nice warm house!

Juliette20 · 27/02/2020 14:59

I've had to physically wrestle both of mine into car seats and pushchairs before now, when they were two or three years old. It wasn't a regular occurrence, but it certainly happened on more than one occasion. The alternative was letting them run off into the road or roam around the car not strapped in at that point. DD1 could go on like that for hours once she got worked up.