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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take my child out in the cold

479 replies

tantrumingcoldchild · 27/02/2020 10:00

Name changed for this!

I was trying to get my 3 year old daughter to nursery by 8 am for breakfast and so that I can get on with a big work project. She had a massive strop because she wanted to have Coco Pops at home. The general tantruming lasted almost an hour.

I finally forced her into her buggy (not something I normally do), but she ripped off her sweatshirt in the process and she was only in her vest. I attempted to put her coat on over her backwards but she angrily flung it off.

Knowing that she would quickly tire of the cold, I started the 7 minute walk to nursery. There was some very light snowy rain, just a few drops here and there. A woman saw me leaving my building with my daughter flailing around and screaming in her vest, and glared at me. She had a child with her.

When I was halfway down the block, the woman came back and asked me angrily if I had seen the weather and what my child was wearing. I explained that she was having a temper tantrum and I needed to work. I said that I was going to put her coat on her when she calmed down.

The woman insisted that this wasn't good enough and continued to berate me, saying it was horrible not to dress my child. I explained that my daughter had taken her clothes off and showed her the sweatshirt and coat which were ready and waiting.

She shouted at me some more and called me a crazy bitch. I asked her what she would do if she were going to get sacked for being late (this is theoretical, as I am not going to get sacked but I do need to work and I want my daughter to understand that there are boundaries and consequences. I let her make me late way too often). She told me that she would rather lose her job than take her child out in the cold and then yelled at me some more. I lost my temper and shouted back at her and she eventually left.

My daughter was quite upset. She asked if the lady was not nice to me. I explained that the woman was angry with me for not making my daughter wear her clothes in the cold. Then my original plan came to fruition: my daughter agreed to put her top and coat on, I hugged her and said I loved her, and we walked to nursery together.

So, was I unreasonable to take my daughter out in a vest when she was having a horrible temper tantrum?

OP posts:
Original poster
tantrumingcoldchild · 27/02/2020 14:02

@Waterloosunsets Nope, no embellishment. I just thought that either (a) I would be thoroughly chastised and accept that I was being unreasonable or (b) people would feel quite strongly on both sides - just like me and the lady who shouted at me. I was surprised that almost all the initial posts supported me given how irate the lady was.

OP posts:
Mymycherrypie · 27/02/2020 14:05

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime I had a friend cancel on me for a similar reason. Confused Her son wouldn’t get in to the car seat. I know the child and he is lively but so is my son and he’s getting in that seat by hook or by crook!

Cookiecrumble887 · 27/02/2020 14:05

To think the op came on here upset after a shit morning. Probably hoped a few mums would tell her it will be ok. We've all been there. Some days are like this. A few examples of their kids having meltdowns on public etc.

Can people never be nice anymore

Op don't worry about it. You will always get jumped on here. Your DD might have learned from today and put her coat on next time. She's a little human testing the boundries and you did what had to be done to get to work etc. Flowers

mantarays · 27/02/2020 14:06

know the child and he is lively but so is my son and he’s getting in that seat by hook or by crook!

Well, exactly. My child is getting coat on by the same method. I wouldn’t have to call into work to say such a patently ridiculous thing.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 27/02/2020 14:07

Op, I've had the kids tantrumming about coats etc. With my eldest it wasn't that he didn't want the coat it was that he didn't want to leave the house. Reception year and half way through year one was an awful time for me in the mornings.
He was quite capable of doing his own shoes and coat but he wouldn't. No sooner had I got one shoe on and was wrestling with the second he'd be pulling the first off.
We had multiple mornings I had to just get us all outside in the front garden and then the shoes would go on. Sometimes coat too, sometimes he wouldn't put it on till we were a bit down the road. I had a toddler too and trying to get him ready was just as bad.
Sympathies op. It's very hard when you've got a child who decides they're just Not Going To whatever you try and do about it.

Original poster
tantrumingcoldchild · 27/02/2020 14:08

@Cookiecrumble887 Thanks, that's really kind! I feel better overall since a fair number of posters don't think I was BU. It was definitely quite upsetting.

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 27/02/2020 14:10

There’s always one. Children need to be dressed when they go outside in the snow. If my DD had taken off her coat she wouldn’t have frozen, because she was dressed. There is a whole spectrum of “reasonable” between fully wrapped up in winter clothing and naked on top but for a vest, depending on the child.

Not sure what you mean by 'there's always one' 🤔 .... are you insinuating I don't know my own child? He hates any form of jumper because he gets too warm so his standard cold weather outfit is a thin T-shirt and coat... the coat usually gets stripped off within a few minutes of being outside which is no different to a child going out in a vest surely?
He also likes to strip down to his underpants and jump in puddles in the garden when it rains 😁
Forcing a child into an unwanted coat seems totally ridiculous to me. Take it with you, and if they want it they'll soon let you know.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 14:13

wishywashy6

No, I am insinuating that there’s always one person in a discussion who will attempt to argue based on an absolutely outlying example. Okay, your DS doesn’t mind being naked in the snow. Most children do. Hence the OP’s confidence that, once her child felt the cold, she would want her coat. Because she doesn’t like the cold. Most children don’t like what is basically a form of exposure. So fine, your son doesn’t mind. The OP’s DD does, like most kids.

Gemm83 · 27/02/2020 14:13

I once took my daughter to nursery in pants and a vest. We were in the car though. Within 5 minutes she complained that she was cold. I asked her why she was cold and she said "because I should have got dressed". She never threw that particular tantrum again! I would have done the same as you OP!

CadburyFlake · 27/02/2020 14:14

If you have got a strong willed child this book is helpful! I have one like yours.
It's hard work.

Cookiecrumble887 · 27/02/2020 14:20

Glad you are ok. You will get picked apart on here for the way your parent. The way you don't parent. The way your child's behaving. But your not allowed to be strict or you are bad. But if you are soft then what's why she's a bugger. Terrible parent for cocopops. You can win. But what you've been through is a judgemental gobby women who should of kept her nose out of it. Keep going! A month ago I was bashed to pieces on here. The team had to deactivate my account to make sure I wasn't a bad person but they said they'd be sad to see me go. I think the Mumsnet team are aware of what goes on on here. Don't worry too much x

Maryann1975 · 27/02/2020 14:25

I can tell that some of you have never had a strong willed child. There is no way that my child will do anything if She doesn’t want to. If you want to tell me how I am meant to ‘nip it in the bud’ or ‘not give in to her’ Or get her to do something ‘by hook or by crook’ be my bloody guest.

Parenting my third dc is nothing like parenting my other two. I also have over 20 years of childcare experience and apparently am excellent at my job, so definitely haven’t got to this point by letting dc walk all over me. But sometimes, you get highly strong willed children who do not care about the consequences and would rather do as they please than do as they are asked, regardless of the consequences.

I often want to let some of you ‘perfect parents’ have a go with my extra stubborn dd, so you can see how hard it actually is.

Op, your method sounds fine. 3 is plenty old enough to understand she needs to wear a coat or she will be cold. Ignore batshit woman, maybe her next child will teach her not to judge on other people’s parenting styles.

WaxOnFeckOff · 27/02/2020 14:27

Even the most stubborn child is not going to allow themselves to come to harm when there is an option. As soon as she got cold and uncomfortable she'd have been asking for her jacket. If it gives you any hope, DS2 was the tantrum king and we took a similar approach. He is a very chilled 18 year old now :)

I do slightly get what the woman was doing though maybe not to the extent she went. I have seen people fully wrapped up themselves pushing very young children and babies who aren't properly dressed for the weather and look cold around in buggies. As you know yourself, it can be colder just sitting there compared to walking. Or they stand chatting with the buggy facing into the chill wind and they are oblivious.

None of that was your situation though.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 27/02/2020 14:27

DesLynamsMoustache so if I disagree with you, it means you are a troll? Really?

mantarays · 27/02/2020 14:27

If you want to tell me how I am meant to ‘nip it in the bud’ or ‘not give in to her’ Or get her to do something ‘by hook or by crook’ be my bloody guest.

Okay. Well, no nipping anything in the bud here. My DD can be a terror when she has a tantrum. But when it comes to getting clothes on her against her will, I physically pin her to the floor and put them on her one leg or arm at a time. Then I physically strap her in the buggy or car seat. It’s not fun but it works.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 14:28

Even the most stubborn child is not going to allow themselves to come to harm when there is an option

They don’t know what harm is. You see above that there is a child who likes rolling round in the snow naked. I assume it isn’t uncomfortable for him. That doesn’t mean it can’t harm him.

Mymycherrypie · 27/02/2020 14:29

It’s bribery mostly. For stickers. That’s my hook or by crook. Or I’ve developed an angry mum stare that works when that doesn’t.

WaxOnFeckOff · 27/02/2020 14:30

They don’t know what harm is. You see above that there is a child who likes rolling round in the snow naked. I assume it isn’t uncomfortable for him. That doesn’t mean it can’t harm him.

So what is going to happen? He'll get cold and uncomfortable before he gets frostbite.

LittleBearPad · 27/02/2020 14:30

Nae chance” for you. I am not forcing my child out of the house naked. So don’t tell me what I will or will NOT do. I’ll make those decisions myself.

THE CHILD WAS NOT NAKED!!!!!!!!

FFS.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 14:31

And yes, bribery sometimes works. Or humour. Or giving her a stern verbal telling off. But ultimately if she won’t choose clothes in freezing weather they’re going on her or we’re not leaving the house.

OpportunityKnocks · 27/02/2020 14:31

Abuse? Seriously? A 7 minute (max) 1 off trip in a vest. This was not abusive, a safety issue, etc etc.

Those saying abuse, please learn about abuse. Because a one off like this is not it!!!

Also laughing at nipping it in the bud.

OP, sounds like a tough morning. You did what you had to and knew she would dress fairly quickly.

wishywashy6 · 27/02/2020 14:32

But the OP's child was fine and the child came to the decision to put her coat and jumper on with no harm 🤔

No he doesn't mind the cold, that was just an example in response to you saying you'd had to return to the car to warm up after 15 minutes in the cold as though that was the 'norm'....

I also have a DD who feels the cold more than DS but we had similar acts of pure stubbornness when she was younger where she'd refuse to wear appropriate clothing. I handled them in the same way as OP and she's now a happy healthy 10 year old who knows when she needs a coat.

Letting them learn the hard way is not abuse

mantarays · 27/02/2020 14:34

He'll get cold and uncomfortable before he gets frostbite.

I have no idea what he will do or won’t do. But if he doesn’t feel the cold maybe he won’t?

DesLynamsMoustache · 27/02/2020 14:35

But when it comes to getting clothes on her against her will, I physically pin her to the floor and put them on her one leg or arm at a time.

That sounds far more like abuse to me than a child being underdressed in a pram for seven minutes!

But of course it isn't. Neither is. They're just different methods. You choose to use force, others let their children be in control of the decision. Both might end up being unpleasant for the child in different ways but ultimately most likely harmless🤷🏻‍♀️