AIBU that if you won't sleep with your partner its fair if they get it elsewhere?

[hcoe21]

I saw on here someone saying that they didn't like to have sex with their husband and would rather cuddle/have a cup of tea. This seems incredibly unfair if the other partner isn't of the same mindset. However, it would be unenjoyable to feel that one person wasn't entirely into the idea. Therefore, is it acceptable to 'turn a blind eye' to one partner seeking this from someone else? I am happily married and probably have sex every other day. However, if my husband didn't want to - I would still have a need to, and would seek out an alternative. I think if you aren't having sex and they have an affair - that is fair.

Everyone has the right not to have sex for any reason, no one has any right to stop the other person from having sex ever again

Which the other person should discuss, no?

matarays - Yes I agree. I know. I am sorry - I thought I had made it clear. Apologies.

The expectations of sex or not sex at any point in the relationship have to be mutually understood and agreed.

What I wanted to counter was some of the thinking that there is no real link between them. The point of marriage was always the legalization of sex/ children/property. (Not something I approve of - hence my own avoidance of it.

EVERYONE has the right to deny sex to another person for ANY reason

Absolutely 100%. No question.

The issue here is though that if you enter into a relationship on the basis that you share money, sex, a home and kids you cannot expect to change the terms of that without discussion - and mutual agreement. So if he says he does not want any more sex ever - she has the right to say that she will find sex elsewhere and no longer promise fidelity, housewife services, access to all her money - if she so chooses.

would you be happy if your partner had a secret affair to spend time with someone who doesnt want sex so much?

That partner is still deserving of a relationship based on trust and fidelity (unless an open relationship has been openly discussed and agreed).

this
if your not together on this then bloody leave.good god what utter wank talk

kateandme - completely agree. It has to be about openess, honesty, trust and mutual agreement. (This applies to everything from sex to money to work to having kids. Everything)

What a ridiculous statement. Are you deceitful about other parts of your life?

If you want sex outside the relationship you’re in, you need to leave the relationship first, unless your partner is fully informed and happy for you to have extramarital sex. Surely that’s just basic?

Surely it’s common sense you need to leave the relationship first if your unhappy. What a ridiculous way of thinking.

YABU if you mean an affair behind your partners back but if it's discussed and agreed and both partners are happy about it then I suppose that's OK, but weird though!

I did leave a relationship because he just didn't want sex. I was in my early twenties, we were close and affectionate and such good friends - but he didn't fancy me. It undermined my self-esteem and I wasn't happy. Kept waiting for him to make the move. In the end I went to France for a year and we "drifted apart".. Five years on and he was in a same sex relationship, (has since married his male partner). And I was happy and having a great sex-life. We are still friends - of course.

This is a wind up thread.

If someone in the relationship feels it’s lacking then go to relationship counselling.

So, you are OK with a partner cheating, not telling you, to not hurt your feelings? Nah, when you marry someone you commit, if yiu no longer want to be in that relationship. You discuss whata best, and, if needed end the relationship. Don't go behind someone's back and cheat...

There is never any excuse for cheating.

However I don't know what world some of these responses belong in.

Do people really expect to be having frequent sex before marriage and then once the vows are said, just unilaterally turn it off - which in practical terms means constant rejection - and expect their partner to just cross their legs and never look at another man or woman, or be tempted? To just be fine that a major aspect of their adult social and physical life is gone for years, decades, maybe forever?

I think affairs are very shitty, but I would blame less someone who had put up with years of sexual rejection. It's not just sex, it's feeling wanted, desirable, attractive, confident.

And saying people are shallow or selfish for choosing to leave because they need that part of their life back is pure gaslighting.

No one would say the same for someone choosing to leave because their emotional needs were not being met, or because of some actually less important reason.

Infidelity is never reasonable. Have a discussion about non-manogamy instead of lying, which is always disrespectful and antithetical to a good relationship.

By that reckoning, can a meat eater who’s dating a vegetarian have an affair because the meat eater isn’t getting everything they want. Just because you don’t get everything you want, I don’t think that’s an excuse for an affair.

So my husband should cheat on me then... we have a 9 month old I'm exhausted and no sex drive?

@hcoe21

Have a wank FFS.

• EVERYONE has the right to deny sex to another person for ANY reason.

• EVERYONE has the right to leave a marriage for ANY reason.

No to deception.
Yes to leaving a relationship if you're not happy.

And saying people are shallow or selfish for choosing to leave because they need that part of their life back is pure gaslighting.

I agree with this.

There should never be an expectation of a "right to sex". But equally, I think we are far too damning as a society of people who find sex part of what they need to feel fulfilled in a relationship.

A relationship should be mutually fulfilling. If it isn't, and there's no way (or no desire) to change that, then it's time to move on. It doesn't have to be anybody's "fault", just an unfortunate incompatibility.

I agree with all pps that say a discussion is needed and then agreement on what to do. If there’s no agreement and someone is still unhappy they should leave.

Obviously you’d be remarkably shitty to leave someone who’d just had a baby or who was worn down with caring responsibilities for this reason though!

But never sneak off and have an affair, no.

hcoe21
I think it would be very unfair for one partner to be leading an unfulfilled life when its not their choice.

Missing the point. You seem very concerned about fairness and choice. There is nothing fair about being deceitful and the other (non interested in sex) partner has to have the right to choose their life also. To decide that YOU don't want to end the marriage and therefor cheat is denying them the choice of whether THEY want to stay in a relationship with a cheat.

Only fair if openly discussed and both sides agree. Good sex matters to me a lot and if my husband wasn't up to it, we'd have a talk - either we'd mutually agree some sort of open marriage or we'd divorce. Nothing justifies going behind your partner's back.

they can do this without upsetting the foundations of their marriage

But you will have upset the foundations of the marriage - it will not be the marriage the other partner thought it was. You will be FORCING your partner to live in a marriage that is different to one that they think they are living in. You seem convinced that as long as they stay ignorant then it is ok. But that is like saying 'if someone stole your jewellery but you didn't wear it so you didn't know, then it would be ok.'. It wouldn't be ok. You would still be behaving deceptively. They would still be living in a false reality. Added to which, who is to guarantee that they wouldn't find out.

Affairs are never fair. Talking and agreeing to extra marital sex is fine if all agree.
Affairs are just skanky and never justified. You are right about incompatibility on sex/ the amount. You shouldn't just put up with it if your partner doesn't want to have sex and you do.