AIBU that if you won't sleep with your partner its fair if they get it elsewhere?

[hcoe21]

I saw on here someone saying that they didn't like to have sex with their husband and would rather cuddle/have a cup of tea. This seems incredibly unfair if the other partner isn't of the same mindset. However, it would be unenjoyable to feel that one person wasn't entirely into the idea. Therefore, is it acceptable to 'turn a blind eye' to one partner seeking this from someone else? I am happily married and probably have sex every other day. However, if my husband didn't want to - I would still have a need to, and would seek out an alternative. I think if you aren't having sex and they have an affair - that is fair.

[BigFatLiar]

There are two people in a relationship, if one finds that sex is so important that he/she needs to go elsewhere because his/her partner isn't sexual then if the partner objects they should end the relationship. To have an affair to satisfy sexual urges against the wishes of your partner or without their knowledge shows no respect or love. If you truly love your partner you learn to cope.

We no longer swing from the chandeliers but are happy with our loving relationship (we are older now though). People go through phases, I wasn't keen after our babies but OH still loved me and never expected me to do anything I wasn't happy with. May have meant he often had to put up with a cuddle but he just accepted and understood the situation. If you truly care about each other you adapt.

[mantarays]

And they may be very happy and in love in all other aspects - so leaving is not an option

Of course it’s an option. Nobody is holding a person who isn’t sexually satisfied down. It’s a choice.

[SachaStark]

Jesus, thank god my wonderful DH doesn’t think like you, OP.

I, along with many other women, suffer from primary vaginismus, and penetrative sex is usually extremely painful, or sometimes impossible.

But hey, I guess if we can’t service our men with full sex every other day, we only deserve to either live without love, or tolerate deception within marriage, right?

[Gillian1980]

Yabu unless both partners agree to the arrangements.

If I didn’t want to have sex, I can’t imagine feeling comfortable with my DH getting it elsewhere. I’d have to say either stay with me without sex or leave me.

I’d stay with my DH without sex if I was given that ultimatum. I love him and don’t want anyone else in the dynamic even if it is “just” sex.

[SockQueen]

Wonder if the OP is in fact an OW trying to justify herself...

[user1482134515]

I agree OP. I've been in a sexless relationship and had an affair. I'd suggested an open relationship but it was a hard 'no'. He knew I was unhappy but simply didn't care to make any changes. Leaving was not an option due to young kids, financial reasons (he would have ended up homeless as the lower earner).
We were all much happier and I think he did turn a blind eye. I've left now as I couldn't keep it up any longer but I honestly believe our happiest times as a family was when we all together under the same roof with me occasionally having intimacy elsewhere.
I think the 'celibate' partner should take some responsibility - they must know that their partner is unhappy but lack of enthusiasm and jealousy prevent them from finding a solution.

[DessertQueen]

An affair is a betrayal, and a heartbreaking one at that. If you love your partner you shouldn’t be willing to do something that hurts them. If sex or lack thereof is an issue then the pair need to decide what is or isn’t acceptable between themselves. If a satisfactory outcome isn’t reached for each individual then they should consider splitting up. Deception isn’t the way to solve anything and is a rather immature outlook 🤷‍♀️

[starray]

'I think the 'celibate' partner should take some responsibility - they must know that their partner is unhappy but lack of enthusiasm and jealousy prevent them from finding a solution.'

Agree with this.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

I must admit I think that entering a contract with someone which means that they can only ever have sex with you and then refusing to have sex with them ever is cheating too. You are just as honour bound to explore whether to dissolve the partnership as they are if that's the situation, rather than go into " oh how could they cheat on me" mode having ignored the situation for years.

[datasgingercatspot]

YABU. No one needs sex or has to have it every day or every other day. No one has a right to sex. Deception is deception, however you try to excuse it.

[jumpinjeepers]

They need to discuss it and make a decision. I wouldn't stay in a celibate relationship, but I would not sleep with someone else behind DPs back. I know several couples in long term relationships who have an 'understanding' and it seems to work for them. They aren't poly, it's more of a practical thing where one of them isn't fussed about sex

[mantarays]

I must admit I think that entering a contract with someone which means that they can only ever have sex with you and then refusing to have sex with them ever is cheating too. You are just as honour bound to explore whether to dissolve the partnership as they are if that's the situation, rather than go into " oh how could they cheat on me" mode having ignored the situation for years.

Obviously it should be discussed. But if your bottom line is “I don’t want sex but I am otherwise happy in the relationship”, the ball is in the other person’s court if they don’t want that.

[hcoe21]

@IceniSky I agree, if its not an expectation. Than if someone seeks it elsewhere - they can do this without upsetting the foundations of their marriage. It is not a reflection of their feelings for their wife/husband.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

@mantarays True.

[mantarays]

I agree OP. I've been in a sexless relationship and had an affair. I'd suggested an open relationship but it was a hard 'no'. He knew I was unhappy but simply didn't care to make any changes. Leaving was not an option due to young kids, financial reasons (he would have ended up homeless as the lower earner).
We were all much happier and I think he did turn a blind eye. I've left now as I couldn't keep it up any longer but I honestly believe our happiest times as a family was when we all together under the same roof with me occasionally having intimacy elsewhere.

So he said no to an open relationship, you deceived him and went behind his back, but somehow think this was when you (all) we’re happiest? And into the bargain, leaving you would have made him homeless?

What a heartwarming story.

[flower1994]

you're on a wind up OP surely

[user1482134515]

His (low paid) career path was his choice. it was also his choice to have zero sex, cuddles, kissing for 2 years. I couldn't just walk away with him unable to afford rent. he gave zero shots about my unhappiness.

[mantarays]

user1482134515

And you gave zero shits about his. It’s like Romeo and Juliet, isn’t it?

[Tulipan]

Don't ask, don't tell

It's one solution. I'd rather discuss it, but realistically it's not going to go down well. My ex couldn't cope with it as a concept, but probably would have turned a blind eye if I hadn't said anything

[AryaStarkWolf]

It's fair if it's discussed and agreed to by the other partner. Not if they just go behind their back.

If they don't want to live without sex and their partner doesn't want it, they either need to enter into an open relationship (with the other person's knowledge and consent) or leave.

This really

[anyoldvic]

This is the lamest excuse for an affair there is, born of cowardice and selfishness.

Some affairs may start out with the best of no-strings intentions, but they tend to grow legs and cause carnage. Anyone that imagines they can have long-term emotionless sex with no consequences for their marriage/family is deluded.

[user1482134515]

That's not true, otherwise I would have fucked off and left him up shit creek with no house, nowhere for the children to visit him, no support (no friends/family nearby) I think this black and white thinking is very immature.

[mantarays]

user1482134515

Whereas I think being a cheat and a liar is quite immature. Oh well. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This isn’t really the topic. We’re not talking about car wreck marriages here, but otherwise loving marriages where one partner doesn’t want sex.

[IceniSky]

But it isn't just seeking sex elsewhere, it becomes complicated. You need to factor in the trustworthiness of all the other sexual partners. Diseases can be brought back to the family. Pregnancy can impact the family. The other person may become attached. It takes ths person physically and emotionally away from the marriage and family.

Having sex with someone else is that person giving up hope. Who would want to restart sex in a marriage with someone who was fucking other people?

If you can't work your relationship out or seek an outcome acceptable to all it needs to end.

[Sceptre86]

A relationship or partnership is just that and sex is only one facet of that. It would need to be discussed openly and honestly. Each relationship is different, some people would be ok to turn a blind eye, I would not. That being said i believe sex and other forms of intimacy are necessary to nurture a relationship. No one person in a relationship gets to call all the shots or hold someone over a barrell. So in my view yabu, as it is not as simple as what you have suggested.