AIBU that if you won't sleep with your partner its fair if they get it elsewhere?

[hcoe21]

I saw on here someone saying that they didn't like to have sex with their husband and would rather cuddle/have a cup of tea. This seems incredibly unfair if the other partner isn't of the same mindset. However, it would be unenjoyable to feel that one person wasn't entirely into the idea. Therefore, is it acceptable to 'turn a blind eye' to one partner seeking this from someone else? I am happily married and probably have sex every other day. However, if my husband didn't want to - I would still have a need to, and would seek out an alternative. I think if you aren't having sex and they have an affair - that is fair.

If the whole depth and meaning of your relationship boils down to you having your fanny serviced every other day I feel very sorry for you.

If one or other partner isn't getting the sex they need due to differences in libido then they should be honest with their husband/wife before fxxking someone else. Secret affairs destroy lives.

I like the fact people think they can just find someone else to have sex with where there are no questions asked.... Where all these people waiting to be shagged and not wanting a relationship...?

Define “fair”

Before sex with other people is considered, surely you should try to figure out why your spouse doesn’t enjoy sex and explore options together?

From there, if a sexless marriage continues you either 1. Accept this and stay in the relationship or 2. Divorce and then date others. Not have secret affairs, that isn’t “fair”

Obviously if your spouse is happy with an open marriage then fair enough, but otherwise it’s just cheating regardless of the lack of sex.

Having a secret affair isn't just having sex is it OP... It's having a secret relationship which is more than sex so your theory goes out the window really unless you hire a prostitute/escort or manage to find a friends with benefits....but realistically where are people going to find one so easily...

So someone says fine I will get sex elsewhere.... Cool.... Where exactly?

I completely agree OP.

Well if you go off and shag someone else you’re not married as far as I’m concerned. Monogamy is kind of central to the whole idea surely?

nope you are just looking for an excuse to cheat.

Way to justify your 'needs' being more important than anyone else's.

No, absolutely YABU. Unless you have an open relationship that is freely consented to, it is always, always wrong to cheat. You talk about it, you negotiate and if your partner still won't budge AND you consider that them not meeting your sexual needs is more important than the extent to which they meet your other needs, you end the relationship.

One flaw in your thinking assumes that libido is a static throughout the course of marriage...a lifelong commitment, and this is rarely the case. A persons libido can fluctuate for all kinds of reasons and factors that intervene in our lives ; sometimes through no choice of our own - illness, bereavement, stress, hormone therapies, fatigue, breastfeeding....you name it. To say you’re going to stomp out and have an affair without trying to understand these issues is ridiculous and a disservice to a loyal relationship. It’s great that you currently have a great libido by the way OP....but how old are you? Will this always be the case?

I'm in this situation now. DH sex drive has gone 😢. I have a high sex drive. We had sex twice last YEAR. I am very unhappy. He won't even hold my hand let alone cuddle or kiss even. He's always working and 'we're not young lovers anymore' and he needs to earn money to support us (I work ft too).

I cannot /will not cheat on him. I don't want to sleep with anyone else. I want him! I love him, we have a good relationship otherwise He loves me but just has no sex drive.

I'm lost.

I think one of the problems in this whole area is the way we talk about "sex" like it is an independent object, like it is a gift box that one person passes to another.

Then you get people talking about "legitimate expectation of sex" and "no right to deny someone sex", as if it is an inanimate resource that one person is unfairly hoarding from another.

Sex doesn't exist as a separate object from what it actually is - we are talking about intimate access to another person's body, vigorous penetration (in the case of women) with physical/emotional implications for that person - running a spectrum from pleasure to agony, and other intimate issues (bleeding, contraception, risk of pregnancy).

No one has the automatic right or expectation to unilaterally access someone's body in this way, regardless of relationship. They have the right to discuss it, and ultimately, the right to leave if unable to reach mutual agreement about how to handle it.

I think to permanently, unilaterally render your marriage celibate with no discussion then yes, I don't think the other partner having an affair is unreasonable actually.

Marriage is a legal contract which is consumated by sex and can be annulled if there is no sex. The legal contract is broken on the grounds of adultery - (sex with someone else). So if you are talking about sex and marriage they are very much linked and there is an expectation of sex.

Every relationship is an agreement. We expect certain things from husbands, friends, employers, partners. As long as both agree whatever you do is fine.

Some women want partners to marry them, do the housework, earn a lot of money, give them children. Some don't. Some men want a SAHwife, an equal financial partner, a mother to their children, an always available sexual partner, - some don't. No two relationships are the same.

So it is fine to get sex elsewhere if you want it and the other party does not as long as you both agree. and if you don't then you "renegotiate" - ie talk about - the way you want to live and whether you want to stay together or change the nature of your relationship. It really is that simple. (Actually doing this when you share home, finances and kids is another matter of course)

I agree PatriciaBateman

I don't agree with affairs. You discuss it and if they are adamant it is never happening again and won't consider an open relationship then you can decide to put up with it or leave. I left, mainly because he wouldn't discuss it at all and just expected me to put up with it. I am now married to someone who likes sex as much as me.

I don't think it's unreasonable, but I would think that the person was cowardly for not leaving. However, I can see how someone would be so deeply enmeshed in something that they found it impossible to leave and an affair would be their only recourse.

I think its a fair reason for leaving someone or attempting to negotiate an open relationship, but decieving someone who thinks theyre in a monogamous relationship when they arent is pretty shitty.
Also how far do you take this? Do you mean every time someone wants sex, or if its been a week or so? A month? A year?

Marriage is a legal contract which is consumated by sex and can be annulled if there is no sex.

It can be annulled before there is sex. That doesn’t mean it can be annulled when sex stops.

Sex is legally linked to marriage yes, and I think this is part of the problem.

Intimate access to another person's body should never have been written into any sort of "contract" - because this gives some people the idea they have the right to unilaterally expect it.

This is morally abhorrent.

Just to add that as a woman when I was in an open relationship I never had a shortage of men wanting no strings sex. I just found them on tinder. Maybe as a man it would be more difficult though.

Part of compatibility is having reasonably well matched libidos. It doesn’t matter if that’s a high libido or a low libido, as long as you are both the same. Attempting to initiate sex and being turned down over and over can be soul destroying, for men and for women. The subreddit ‘dead bedrooms’ is full of sad stories, rejection erodes one’s self esteem.

But if you aren’t compatible, separate.

I do not believe it it is possible to sustain a truly loving relationship with a partner, who should be your partner in everything, whilst having intimate sexual relations with someone else. I wouldn’t want to be sex partners with someone who had a life partner or vice versa. Or any combination of those roles.

Other people will disagree with me, of course, but the bit that matters is whether their views are compatible with their partner’s views.

For me, love is mind and body, best friends, best fucks. Forsaking all others. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t feel the same. We’ve now got such a solid connection that while we both hope our sex life lasts forever, if it fades due to illness or old age, it will never feel like rejection.
My husband is the hottest man in the world. To me. He probably just looks like a slightly above average 51 year old to everyone else.
Mind you, it took 2 goes at marriage before finding true compatibility with husband number 3

Having an affair without prior discussion & agreement is always morally wrong

However, also choosing longterm to withhold affection, cuddling etc

probably means the relationship has in practice changed to being just housemates

In practice, as pp here have illustrated, some people can't / won't leave due to finance, losing fulltime access to the DC etc
so they'll have an affair regardless and justify it to themself

A real problem is when one partner is permanently unable to have sex because of a medical condition / pain / severe disability etc which can't be rectified sufficiently

So it might not be their choice at all, not to have sex

• in that case, I think having an affair is far far worse than someone e.g. deciding that they've got the kids, house etc now and cba with sex any more

If it's just a year or so, until the medical condition is resolved, then anyone should be able to wait that long

Of course mantarays you are right to say It can be annulled before there is sex. That doesn’t mean it can be annulled when sex stops

I was just showing the legal link. I also agree with PatriciaBateman when she says - Intimate access to another person's body should never have been written into any sort of "contract" - because this gives some people the idea they have the right to unilaterally expect it.

And absolutely agree that - This is morally abhorrent

It was one of the reasons I would not get married. I would, (did), arrange separate legal agreements to address the questions of money, children, wills, Power of Attorney etc. Much more sensible as you actually think about what you are really giving away/ taking on in those contracts. With marriage it seems to be all about love, white dresses and unreasonable long-term expectations.

I had a thirty year relationship. There was love, sex and children. There is now a friendship and a co-parenting relationship. I am not dismissing love or compromise. Quite the opposite

InTheSummerhouse

The legal link is consummation, not an ongoing expectation that there will be sex.

EVERYONE has the right to deny sex to another person for ANY reason

Everyone has the right not to have sex for any reason, no one has any right to stop the other person from having sex ever again.