AIBU that if you won't sleep with your partner its fair if they get it elsewhere?

[hcoe21]

I saw on here someone saying that they didn't like to have sex with their husband and would rather cuddle/have a cup of tea. This seems incredibly unfair if the other partner isn't of the same mindset. However, it would be unenjoyable to feel that one person wasn't entirely into the idea. Therefore, is it acceptable to 'turn a blind eye' to one partner seeking this from someone else? I am happily married and probably have sex every other day. However, if my husband didn't want to - I would still have a need to, and would seek out an alternative. I think if you aren't having sex and they have an affair - that is fair.

[Laiste]

OP, you've muddied the waters of what could have been a much more interesting, useful and balanced discussion with the affair thing.

Very few people will ever say deceit is a good way to deal with an issue. Deceit is never the best way to deal with a problem.

More interesting to have kept the question simply as
'Would you judge a person leaving a marriage because of a mis matched sex drive?'

[DingleberryRose]

I think it’d be a perfectly reasonable request! Cheating isn’t the right way to go though, people need to be transparent about their frustrations if sex is important to them and they aren’t satisfied with their current DP.

[InTheSummerhouse]

• EVERYONE has the right to deny sex to another person for ANY reason.
  

• EVERYONE has the right to leave a marriage for ANY reason.
  

Yes but if you agree with the second, ( and I do), then marriage itself is meaningless. Why say "For richer, for poorer, in sickness and health for as long as we both shall live"? Why say it if you believe that you can leave as soon as you want to? And the law does not quite agree either.

Relationships - free to do as you please. Marriage - not so much. It is not so easy to untangle.

[Laiste]

InTheSummerhouse - for clarity, personally speaking we got married 'for as long as love shall last'. It's my second married. No parameters attached. And we're not religious.

For others - it's true (the majority?), they've promised before god oftentimes, to stay married through everything.

It begs the question - should folk think a little harder about what they're promising exactly when they get up there at the alter. Or the registry desk.

Also - would you want to hold someone to some traditional promises when you know they are unhappy and want to be free?

[Baboomtsk]

I agree with others that this type of serious deception in a relationship is never justified.

However, I do think there is something to be said for the principle of an open relationship when there is a long term mismatch in libidos.

I suspect however, that in practice most couples would be better off breaking up at that point and finding people they are better suited to. Although this might not be the case if our default cultural expectation was not that relationships be monogamous.

[hcoe21]

@Laiste But that wasn't the question I wanted to ask? I know that people may break up as they have mismatched libidos. But I genuinely wanted to know if it was really that bad - if someone is happily married apart from the sex part - to have an affair. I don't necessarily think it is? I think the affair thing is overly demonised.

[hcoe21]

@Squirrelpeanutbutter I am happily married and no experiencing issues with fidelity. But I was genuinely interested if anyone shared my viewpoint. It wasn't meant to cause trouble. I just don't think its as bad as people make out?

[MarieQueenofScots]

I just don't think its as bad as people make out?

So you’re telling people how they should feel over a situation that’s foreign to you?

What’s your agenda?

[MarieQueenofScots]

I am happily married and no experiencing issues with fidelity

This is very interesting. You’re telling people infidelity isn’t a big deal, yet your equating happy marriage and fidelity.

[SewItGoes]

Some people have an unhealthy obsession with sex. You won't die from lack of sex, contrary to what some seem to believe.

What happens if the person you marry has an accident or develops a condition that prevents them from having sex? Is it perfectly fine to cheat, then?

Cheating is cheating, and you can't assume that the other person knows and is turning a blind eye. A so-called open marriage still requires a conversation and consent. Most likely, the marriage will be over, if one person feels their "need" for sex is more important than everything else one gets from a lifelong partnership. In some cases, the couple may come to an agreement where both are happy. Either way, honesty is key.

[SewItGoes]

Affairs are "demonised" because they break hearts, ruin trust, and wreck relationships. It's not okay to cheat just because you want sex more than your partner. You don't have to stay with them, if it's that big a deal to you that you get your weekly quota of orgasms, but you owe it to someone you've promised your fidelity to discuss your feelings openly and honestly.

Do you truly believe that it's better to go behind someone's back and sleep around rather than have some awkward, painful conversations and let them decide if they want to stay in the relationship?

I think people who want to excuse this behaviour know, deep down, that if they bring it up and overtly ask permission to sleep with someone else, they're essentially ending the marriage, because most people won't stay, under those conditions. It's a way of trying to have your cake (comfort, supportive, and social perks of a long-term relationship) and eat it, too (hot sex with new partners).

[SewItGoes]

*support

[CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate]

SewItGoes: There is so much wrong in your post. Wanting to have sex and wanting to share intimacy with your partner is not 'An unhealthy Obsession'

Before you marry someone you express sexual interest in them, you express desire, you express attraction, you express passion for them.
This is part of what distinguishes the relationship from that of an equally good platonic friendship.

To just turn it off once married and then say that if the other person refuses to live platonically for the next possibly 30+ years and put up with constantly getting their sexual advances rebuffed, they have an 'unhealthy obsession with sex' is extremely dismissive of their feelings and quite cruel if done in the long term. You make sex sound like a function like going to the loo. It's a physical way of sharing closeness and gives people a real sense of overall wellbeing. Yes we like to pretend it doesn't, but its a very 'no sex please we're British' way of thinking.

You say they won't die: Go on the relationships threads and read the heart breaking posts from people stuck in sexless marriages; of people whose partners will not even let them hug or kiss them for fear they will want more. From women who feel unattractive, undesirable, and like their marriages have no passion. They feel dead inside and the marriage is certainly dead. No matter what they wear or what they do, how much effort they make, their partner shows no interest and their natural sexual urges sometimes die completely.

Affairs are always wrong, but a sexless marriages puts your partner in a position where they will feel far more vulnerable to someone else's overtures. If they have an affair in that context then it's still wrong, but more understandable from my pov.

[LellyMcKelly]

I think you should discuss it and agree a way forward. If I was the one who didn’t want sex I would hate the thought of a partner having sex elsewhere because it’s a very intimate thing and there would be pillow talk and so forth. I would be scared he would run off with someone else. I’m also of the view that when you get married you promise to honour each other with your bodies and subject to periods of illness or exhaustion (because of babies, etc.) sex should be the default. It brings so many health benefits - improved wellbeing, better sleep, bit of exercise, and just some alone time for you and your partner to strengthen your bond. Sex in a relationship isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling desired and appreciated. As someone who has gone from a sexless relationship to one where I get laid at least 3-4 times a week I can’t tell you how much happier I am now that I feel loved and desired.

[assaggyastwohotbollocks]

This is disgusting in my opinion.

You might not know that your partner is cheating on you but it can still hurt you.
A friend only found out she had been cheated on after finding out she'd had an STD. She doesn't talk much about it but she has suggested it may be why she can't have children now.

I haven't been able to have regular sex with DP since DD was born but I still want to. Should he have a little affair on the side even though it's his giant genes that tore my vagina from here to kingdom come and left me with injuries that are still extremely painful and healing 7 months later?

[Ginger1982]

"I think more people should be open to it. And I think more people should forgive affairs and take them less personally."

What a smug attitude from someone who has never been in the position of finding out they have been betrayed by a spouse. Let's hope your every other day is enough for your partner, eh OP? 🙄

[CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate]

I haven't been able to have regular sex with DP since DD was born but I still want to. Should he have a little affair on the side even though it's his giant genes that tore my vagina from here to kingdom come and left me with injuries that are still extremely painful and healing 7 months later?

@assaggyastwohotbollocks the OP is referring to people who just do not want to have sex with their partners and have no interest in it 'rather have tea' and have perhaps refused sex for years. Not women who are healing after childbirth. Clearly you are not intentionally brushing off your husband and still want sex, you just physically cannot right now.

[dottiedodah]

The point here is its unusual for people to suddenly "go off " sex unless they are ill of course .Many younger women find childcare/working/and so on tiring .Older ones may have the menopause to deal with .Most people in long term relationships are not exactly swinging from the chandeliers ! I think saying someone has a "free pass" to cheat on their partners is controlling and abusive TBH! Long term relationships are based on more than sex hopefully !

[BlueSnow18]

OP, I can kind of understand where you're coming from. Sex is important in a relationship. If you're not getting that connection, emotion and intimacy from you're DP then it can be tempting to look for it elsewhere.
But would you be happy if it happened to you?

[GetOffYourHighHorse]

'But I genuinely wanted to know if it was really that bad - if someone is happily married apart from the sex part - to have an affair. I don't necessarily think it is? I think the affair thing is overly demonised.'

You sound very naive. I doubt it's ever about just the 'sex part'. People usually don't have sex because of ill health, depression, lack of attraction, money worries etc etc etc. One of them skipping off for 'the sex part' will not fix these issues.