AIBU that if you won't sleep with your partner its fair if they get it elsewhere?

[hcoe21]

I saw on here someone saying that they didn't like to have sex with their husband and would rather cuddle/have a cup of tea. This seems incredibly unfair if the other partner isn't of the same mindset. However, it would be unenjoyable to feel that one person wasn't entirely into the idea. Therefore, is it acceptable to 'turn a blind eye' to one partner seeking this from someone else? I am happily married and probably have sex every other day. However, if my husband didn't want to - I would still have a need to, and would seek out an alternative. I think if you aren't having sex and they have an affair - that is fair.

[raspberryk]

I actually agree with you op,

[porple]

of course YABU, there are many reasons to not have sex

[ChuckleBuckles]

I think a secret affair would actually help these relationships. And what they don't know won't hurt them

It will hurt them though because the cheating spouse that lies to the faithful partner is preventing that faithful partner from making informed decisions about the kind of life they want to live, they are expecting a faithful spouse to live a lie, everyday. Without the faithful agreeing to those terms and conditions.

It is absolute entitlement to think that you can dictate what kind of life another person can live, what boundaries and expectations they can set for themselves, what values they hold dear. It absolutely hurts someone to carry out actions that they don't know about, you are preventing them from having a genuine life.

I suspect though OP you are one of two things: The other woman who has swallowed a steaming pile of shite that some man has shovelled your way to get his dick wet, or you are the kind of person to come on here post a topic you know a lot of people will be hurt by and enjoy their hurt and angry response to someone who seems very cavalier about a subject that rips people's families apart. You do you.

[adaline]

YABU.

If one party isn't happy, they need to have a discussion about it. Yes, the result of that may be that they have sex elsewhere, but it shouldn't be done behind the other persons' back.

[adaline]

I think it would be very unfair for one partner to be leading an unfulfilled life when its not their choice. And they may be very happy and in love in all other aspects - so leaving is not an option. I think more people should be open to it. And I think more people should forgive affairs and take them less personally

Good for you. Luckily you don't get to make decisions for other people.

[Alsohuman]

What a lovely way to treat another human being - as an outlet for your sexual urges while trying to maintain a committed relationship with someone else. Talk about having your cake and eating it. One selfish bastard basically cheating on two other people. I can’t believe people are really this vile to one another.

[moOmOoMooo]

If you're in a relationship then you need to communicate with each other and work on what ever problems you're having to try and resolve the issue. Maybe leave/end the relationship if nothing can be done? Humans don't need sex and I understand the all have needs to be fulfilled but sex in not at the top of that list.

Letting your partner sleep with someone else is just the easy way out and I believe can cause more harm than good.

[ThrowingGoodAfterBad]

This abysmally stupid op relies on the principle that sex is all that drives relationships. It's also swallowed the typically male drivel about sexuality being a need, the prime need in fact, and the responsibility of other people to provide those needs. Usually it's men expecting women's bodies to be available to them at all times. No matter if they are feeling ill. No matter if it's only a few weeks since they've birthed babies and nearly died in the process. No matter if they've now got so many demands on their time because they birthed babies that have now grown into children that have to be fed, clothed and taught while having to juggle work and everything else. YADBVVU.

[moOmOoMooo]

I think more people should forgive affairs and take them less personally

Fuck off with that. What ever happened to compromise?

[MashedSpud]

If you feel this way op then you don’t love your partner.

Leave him and let him find someone who isn’t devious and selfish.

[CorianderLord]

No, I would expect to have a conversation and come to an agreement. Because my relationship is built on trust.

[SubtleInnuendo]

There are myriad reasons for someone not feeling able or wanting to have sex - not least emotional or mental health issues. An affair - out in the open or otherwise - would in many cases only exacerbate those issues.

YABVVVVU as I think you're making sweeping generalisations. It's really not black and white and every relationship is different.

[Justgorgeous]

Has your husband had an affair and you have forgiven him ?

[AryaStarkWolf]

Than if someone seeks it elsewhere - they can do this without upsetting the foundations of their marriage. It is not a reflection of their feelings for their wife/husband.

Of course it's a reflection on their feelings for their wife/husband, it means you don't have an honest relationship with them and imo honesty within a relationship is probably even more important than sex is...... So yeah if you think lying and cheating within a relationship is not a reflection on your feelings for your spouse then you have pretty low standards

[EC22]

I think it’s a reason to separate, not cheat.

[Butchyrestingface]

Are you having an affair with some bloke who’s told you his wife has shut up shop, @hcoe21?

If so, 99% chance he’s lying.

[Viviene]

You're posting on a female dominated forum whereas (let's be honest) women are more often the party that does not want sex in the marriage / relationship. It is therefore difficult for some people to understand that sex is actually an urge and a need. And yes, there is an argument we are not animals and can control our urges. But unless you have been on the recieving end of the no sex dynamics, you will never understand the impact it has on someone who actually wants and needs sex. I don't think imposing a forced celibacy on someone is fair and I don't understand why people are surprised that there was an affair.
It's true that no one has the right to sex and someone else's body but equally, no one has the right to deny sex to other person. It's extremely selfish and manipulative to say to someone 'I am not going to have sex with you ever again but if you love me you must stay and just crack on with it'.

[intensityled]

No. When you get married you promise faithfulness. There are many reasons why sex might not be an option for a period in your marriage -- pregnancy, post-childbirth, sickness, distance. Doesn't mean you can go and get it elsewhere. We're not just animals with no control over ourselves.

Having said that, it's not reasonable for one partner to decide that the marriage is going to be celibate if the other isn't on board with it.

[TinglyFeets]

I think if all I was worried about was whether or not it was fair, then the relationship I was in was already dead.

[MarieQueenofScots]

I think it would be very unfair for one partner to be leading an unfulfilled life when its not their choice. And they may be very happy and in love in all other aspects - so leaving is not an option

Don't be puerile. Of course leaving is an option.

I think more people should be open to it. And I think more people should forgive affairs and take them less personally

Why do you think your opinon matters on other people's relationships. you do you, OP and let everyone else sort their own relationships out.

A clandestine affair is never acceptable however you dress it up to try and convince yourself it is ok. An open marriage with the full consent of the other party is a different situation.

[mantarays]

but equally, no one has the right to deny sex to other person.

Errr...

[Dissimilitude]

Of course there are circumstances where sex is going to be off the table for a time, and both partners should be understanding if that is the case. There will be natural ups and downs throughout the course of a marriage.

I've never understood the idea, though, that one partner can just pull up the drawbridge and think the other has to like it or lump it.

If I did that, I would expect it to be a frequent topic of discussion, followed by divorce, if compromise couldn't be reached.

[Nowayorhighway]

They can leave the marriage if they’re unhappy, there’s zero excuse for cheating.

[MarieQueenofScots]

but equally, no one has the right to deny sex to other person

EVERYONE has the right to deny sex to another person for ANY reason.

[Nowayorhighway]

My DH’s ‘friend’ (I use that term loosely, more an associate) went to meet up with random women online for seedy blow-jobs and such when his DP was pregnant because she wasn’t feeling up to sex. He couldn’t wank for a few months, he had to cheat .