To not know if this marriage will ever work?

[FizzyWaterMelon]

First post so go easy on me please.

Tl:dr. Husband wants me to work part time and look after the house. Super high expectations make it impossible and we both feel like crap.

I've been with my now husband for just under two years. We got married in January, a rushed wedding as we'd just bought a house together. The house has needed a substantial amount of work done inxli9a new kitchen and bathroom, costing a small fortune we borrowed from my mum and came from his savings account. The house is in my name and me (and my mum) paid the deposit.

He is a really loving and caring guy. Always puts me first, looks out for me, makes sure I'm OK in stressful situations etc when my anxiety plays up.

When we met I had returned to uni and was going to pursue becoming a primary teacher, then later it changed to accountancy. I had always had a goal of having a good career that would allow me to live the lifestyle I want. I don't want lots of holidays, I just want to do things with my horse. We decided mutually that there was no point me getting a new career underway to then take so many years off to have children, and so I cancelled my uni course and finished with a BA.

Over the last few months and with me working various shift patterns from part time to full time, we have talked so many times about me only working part time and staying at home to look after the house etc while he works full time. We have discussed it that often I don't remember who's idea it was and feel he has been pushing me to give up my job so I an become a good little housewife.

My part time job pays the mortgage and for my horse. That was the deal, and he pays everything else. In return it's my job to take care of the house, do the washing etc. Except every time I do something he has a problem with it. I stopped doing washing in his day off as I was mixing loads and things weren't getting washed properly. I stopped cleaning as I was either doing it too quickly and therefore incorrectly or too slowly and taking too long.

Basically, everything I do he says is wrong, and it's getting me down. Tonight is the 2ns night in 6 weeks I'm sleeping on the couch. I do things a regular person does but everything is wrong and apparently shows I have no respect for him at all.

He is very considerate in some areas. Always makes sure my mum is OK now she's on her own, takes care of all the bills from his pay, wants me to have the best life I can. And in return I just need to treat him the way he treats me. The problem is I just can't. I always mess it up or over think it or only think about myself.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up and work on being a better wife? Not many folk can say they only work part time with no kids and have so much free time.

Kudos if you go this far.

Also, contrary to popular opinion, often older men target much younger women not primarily for the young body but actually for less life experience and being more controllable.

My bet is that few 40 or 50 year old women would put up with him longer than a few months. OP, as you get older and work more things about, you will be crawling out of your skin to get away from this guy ... and he'll be targeting another vulnerable young woman.

Please get out now while it's a short marriage and you may be able to keep the house.

Also, get some contraception or stop sleeping with him. Just in case.

He sounds absolutely awful OP. Really controlling and actually quite cruel.

I’d get rid as he’s not going to change at that age.

Ignore what he wants for a minute...

... do you actually want to be a housewife for the rest of your life? If that's your passion, and it makes you happy then great.

But if you actually want to be a teacher or an accountant, please don't give up your future to a man who just wants you to spend your life facilitating his.

He sounds grim. Get shot of him. You've got your whole life ahead of you.

The sooner you get yourself a 'SHL' shit hot lawyer, the better. Divorce him and get his pernicious influence out of your life as quickly as possible.

Then start your life again, have a long and fulfilling time with out him.

Have a look at the freedom program, to avoid getting tangled up with abusers in future relationships. All the very best

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

My husband is 55, he's read this thread with me and is appalled at the way your husband is treating you.
His advice is get rid now.
My husband supported me through two rough pregnancies and when I breastfed ( he was telling other people about the benefits 😆).
He was gutted for me when I HAD to have to emergency c sections.
He moves mountains to help me do the things I love.
And I've suffered with mental health issues forever, so he does his fair share ( and more ) with the kids and the house. Encourages me to run with my friend ( your equivalent would be communing with your horse ) and is always open to chatting about everything and finding solutions.
This isn't about your husband being old fashioned , he's just being emotionally abusive and that's never going to get better.
You are a whole and capable woman without him. Set yourself free and live a great life following YOUR passions and don't waste another second tied to someone who makes you miserable.
I'm hoping in a year from now we will all be reading your update post saying how fabulous your new life is.

This guy will ruin your life:

He is almost twice your age.
He has poor credit and you have therefore had to be the one to buy the house.
He is controlling.
He is trying to limit your capacity to earn a living and therefore maintain some independence.
He is using an unachievable standard of housework to make you feel unworthy.
He is trying to control your body by telling you you can't breastfeed or have a natural birth, even if you did conceive.
He cannot have children (so he says; are you certain the vasectomy can't be reversed or has he just told your that?).
You've been together less than 2 years and rushed into the marriage because of a house (but why? You don't need to be married to buy a house, unless he wanted to be entitled to half in the event you split).

You are 27. Leave him and go and find a partner who respects you, treats you as an equal, wants you to maintain some independence and cares about your future. This man is toxic. The marriage can be chalked up to a bad decision. You can on on to find the right person and right life for you.

Run away fast! Every extra thing you add is just another red flag in a bloody field of red flags. Please read what others are saying and get this man out of your house and your life.

What does your husband want op? You seem to just want to work part time and play with your horse, he is working full time.

I’m failing to see what about him was a catch in the first place tbh. You’re 27 and he’s 50, he’s also infertile but you clearly want children at some point. He ‘doesn’t want you to have a vaginal birth or breastfeed’ because he thinks he owns your body. He basically wants you to give up on your career so you can be his skivvy.

So many red flags here, it’s like a Communist rally. Leave him, find someone closer to your own age who you can have a family with one day and someone who supports your ambition and drive.

It's rare on MN, especially AIBU, to read absolutely everyone in agreement. But we all are. Please, please think carefully about whether you want to spend even another week with this man, quite apart from the rest of your life. What you have described isn't a marriage, but control.

We got married in January, a rushed wedding as we'd just bought a house together.

The house is in my name and me (and my mum) paid the deposit.

Whyyyyyy did you get married? What was the logic about needing to be married to have a house?

Now it doesn't matter that the house is in your name, if you stay married he is entitled to half. Was it his idea by any chance?

So if you were to get pregnant why can't you have a natural birth? What is his reason. It had better be a good one. I have a phobia of being cut open, thankfully I had 2 straight forward births. No fucking man can tell me how to give birth, unless there's a good medical reason.

This man is an abusive controlling cock nostril who has you (and your poor mother) right where he wants you.

Get your paperwork together and get some legal advice and get him out pronto before he has you completely under the thumb in a life of joyless servitude and you find yourself waking up having missed the best years of your life.

And reread @groovergirl post often.

He has blocked your education.
You are paying for this marriage with your life chances, your career and your finances.
He is not worth it.

And I’ll bet good money he wanted to get married ina rush to stake a claim to the bloody house.

Now it doesn't matter that the house is in your name, if you stay married he is entitled to half. Was it his idea by any chance?

Not necessarily as it hasn't been that long. This is why she needs a good solicitor.

WHAT

You gave up university for a man you had known for a year for no good reason.

You had a quick marriage just so he could have a claim on a house you bought?? WTF

He tells you you have no respect for him if you don’t cook and clean the way he wants it.

He has said you can’t give birth naturally or breastfeed???? Why? (Let me guess... because he wants your body to stay a certain way??)

Kick him out now and start annulment or divorce proceedings.

Not necessarily as it hasn't been that long. This is why she needs a good solicitor.

^^
This! Definitely shit hot lawyer tkme!

Also, he had said I couldn't have a natural birth or breast feed...

"He said?" What does this mean? Couldn't physically, or couldn't in that he wouldn't allow it? Is he worried that if you have a vaginal delivery or your breasts change due to breast feeding that this would lessen his enjoyment of sex?

When we met I had returned to uni and was going to pursue becoming a primary teacher, then later it changed to accountancy.

It changed? Degrees don't spontaneously change to a different subject. Do you mean he made you change your course?

He sounds awful, and I think you know this.

Only you can tell if his behaviour is exceptionally controlling or a more normal case of people having major disagreements about the way they live.

I read that relationship book about love languages - think it was called Love Birds.
In it theres a chapter about people who have rules in their head that they think are basically obvious and people who are more free form.
If you see rules you find your partner not following them rude and upsetting - often how i think many posters view their husbands lack of proper house work. mental load.

If you're more free form its like walking around in the dark bumping into furniture never sure when youre going to break one of these unseen rules.
I think counselling may help you negotiate some of these things in a more neutral space

Everything shouts controlling here, OP.

God he sounds awful. Stop overthinking this. He is awful. I would NOT consider counselling with this man. Make your escape now.

One side of my brain says that too. The other says he always looks out for me and wants what is best for both of us

Aha.
OP - you have accidentally married "Mr Sensitive".
www.rabe.org/the-darker-side-of-couplemania/

& here is the full book - "Why Does He Do That? - Inside the Minds fo Angry & Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft - www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Have looked into fostering and adoption as an alternative to having our own kids.

Don't.
Just don't take on any more with this man.
He's a wrong-un.