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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not know if this marriage will ever work?

261 replies

FizzyWaterMelon · 25/02/2020 23:31

First post so go easy on me please.

Tl:dr. Husband wants me to work part time and look after the house. Super high expectations make it impossible and we both feel like crap.

I've been with my now husband for just under two years. We got married in January, a rushed wedding as we'd just bought a house together. The house has needed a substantial amount of work done inxli9a new kitchen and bathroom, costing a small fortune we borrowed from my mum and came from his savings account. The house is in my name and me (and my mum) paid the deposit.

He is a really loving and caring guy. Always puts me first, looks out for me, makes sure I'm OK in stressful situations etc when my anxiety plays up.

When we met I had returned to uni and was going to pursue becoming a primary teacher, then later it changed to accountancy. I had always had a goal of having a good career that would allow me to live the lifestyle I want. I don't want lots of holidays, I just want to do things with my horse. We decided mutually that there was no point me getting a new career underway to then take so many years off to have children, and so I cancelled my uni course and finished with a BA.

Over the last few months and with me working various shift patterns from part time to full time, we have talked so many times about me only working part time and staying at home to look after the house etc while he works full time. We have discussed it that often I don't remember who's idea it was and feel he has been pushing me to give up my job so I an become a good little housewife.

My part time job pays the mortgage and for my horse. That was the deal, and he pays everything else. In return it's my job to take care of the house, do the washing etc. Except every time I do something he has a problem with it. I stopped doing washing in his day off as I was mixing loads and things weren't getting washed properly. I stopped cleaning as I was either doing it too quickly and therefore incorrectly or too slowly and taking too long.

Basically, everything I do he says is wrong, and it's getting me down. Tonight is the 2ns night in 6 weeks I'm sleeping on the couch. I do things a regular person does but everything is wrong and apparently shows I have no respect for him at all.

He is very considerate in some areas. Always makes sure my mum is OK now she's on her own, takes care of all the bills from his pay, wants me to have the best life I can. And in return I just need to treat him the way he treats me. The problem is I just can't. I always mess it up or over think it or only think about myself.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up and work on being a better wife? Not many folk can say they only work part time with no kids and have so much free time.

Kudos if you go this far.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 28/02/2020 18:42

It's not ocd, it's controlling you and insisting on keeping tabs on you.

Age is almost definitely relevant here because he would probably find a younger woman easier to dominate than one his age. Probably figured he could train you then, as he gets older, still have a younger wife to do all the running around after him, while he puts his feet up and plays golf.

As a pp said, a decent solicitor would likely encourage a clean break: you keep the house you bought, he keeps his pension. Tough shit if he has to rein in his lifestyle. He'd be an utter prat to contest that.

AGoodPodcastAndANiceCupOfTea · 28/02/2020 19:18

It's really sad to read this and even sadder to say what I'm going to say but I honestly don't think that the you will take the really excellent advice that you are being given here. You are still talking about going ft and waiting a few months and you still seem to feel like what this utterly charmless twat wants is more important then what you want - so what if he knows that you are going to see a solicitor??? It is 2020 and you are entitled to leave this marriage if you want to add screw what he thinks about it. This chump was only born a short time before me and is a Gen X. Many Gen X women went to uni if we wanted to and got decent jobs and married equals who treat us as partners. His values are not of his age bracket but are more like those of the beginning of the last century!
You need to get him out of your life as fast as you can, get the training that you wanted and get on with life with your horse and maybe in the future a relationship with someone who views you as an equal and not a servant who pays for everything.

hazell42 · 28/02/2020 19:19

Run
Now
Please

Original poster
FizzyWaterMelon · 28/02/2020 20:30

@AGoodPodcastAndANiceCupOfTea I'm talking about going full time as I won't be able to support myself on a part time 18 hours a week job with unreliable overtime. I would need the security of a decent wage to pay the bills if I managed to keep the house or rent (which would be even more) if I had to move out and get somewhere else. So either way a full time wage is the answer. I worked out we probably pay sovit even for the bills at present, but he is paying my mum back out of his wages, so he is paying more per month that I am.

OP posts:
Dollyparton3 · 28/02/2020 20:58

OP I get that you need to bide your time here. Believe me I've been there. But you do need to start thinking about how you gradually start to detach from the control. Screw it; you shouldn't even be as controlled as you are now.

So what if you take more than the time he expects you to go out? I don't answer to my husband in any way other than letting him know when he should be calling out a search party. The important thing here is for you to start taking control. Seeking sound legal advice should be a priority now. Time is not on your side and letting him not get back into your head should now be a survival tactic

PreggoFeminist86 · 28/02/2020 22:06

I'm sorry OP, but this sound like 'Coercive Control' to me. It is abuse.

Aria999 · 28/02/2020 22:08

Glad you're getting out OP. He sounds terrifying.

InArrears · 28/02/2020 22:13

Run. Like. The. Wind.

This man is abusing you.

This^^ and it will get worse.

Please speak to a solicitor.

MondeoFan · 28/02/2020 22:24

Take care of yourself OP this is about you, not him, you are doing the right thing absolutely.

billy1966 · 28/02/2020 23:13

Delighted that you are formulating a plan OP.

You can separate from this awful, keep your home, and have a positive future.

Wishing you strength Flowers

PelicanPie · 28/02/2020 23:18

Don’t wait OP, and don’t make excuses. You NEED to see a Solicitor as a matter of urgency. Get the ball rolling. He doesn’t need to know until you are prepared. This man is a controlling, abusive person. See him for what he is and act NOW. Tell him you’re going for a walk. Just do it.

FinallyHere · 29/02/2020 09:45

Oh lovely, how can you bear to live like this.

I get that you need to prepare, could you not spend a day with your mother and do the calling then. You need to find some recommendations for clued up solicitors. Woman's Aid might be a good please to start. Be FB prepared for it to take more than one call.

All the best, get cracking so you can start enjoying your life.

Italiangreyhound · 01/03/2020 17:40

Fizzy "I could just say I was going out, but he would want to know where. Just in a general interest kind of way, and I'd rather not lie..." He sounds very controlling. Can't you make a genuine plan to see a friend for coffee and just say I am seeing my friend Jane. Then after seeing Jane go to a solicitor.

I've got OCD, it's not an excuse to control someone else.

I think you are totally right not to tell him you are seeing a solicitor. He doesn't need to know until you are ready to tell him.

Thanks
Dollyparton3 · 01/03/2020 23:35

I'll be honest here OP, my DH and I have location tracking on each other's phones because we both work random hours and sometimes it's easier for him to check if I'm en route home than it is to phone me. Unromantic but it works. Similarly for me, his work is half an hour away and I like to check when to put the tea on if I'm in the chair for cooking.

We've been together for 6 years. Never would I question where he's going or what time he's back. I can check for a functional reason but I trust him implicitly. Your husband is checking in on you for a controlling reason. And that's because a teeny tiny part of him probably knows that there's a high risk strategy here that he could lose you in a blink. Because normal people don't behave like this in relationships.

bibliomania · 02/03/2020 09:16

Be careful about waiting - he's not going to want you to build up your hours and your cash reserves so you can go. Chances are that he'll insist on some big new joint expense to trap you. Or you will feel you have to stay so that he pays back your mother. He will sabotage you any way he can. It takes effort to dominate someone like this, and he's not going to throw away all the work he has put into dominating you. It will get harder to leave, not easier.

Original poster
FizzyWaterMelon · 18/05/2020 23:10

Update- legal process started! Still very early doors but 100% never going back to the way I was living. He's not going to go quietly by the sounds of things but the first step is always the hardest.

Thank you for all your support when I originally posted. Unanimous support helped me see clearly I wasn't crazy.

OP posts:
FOJN · 18/05/2020 23:19

I'm really pleased to hear you won't have to put up with being treated so badly any longer.
Good luck with your future plans.

BlueSuffragette · 19/05/2020 07:48

Well done OP. So glad you have made a start on sorting out a new way forward for yourself. Get divorced and have a happy new life x

Zhuleva · 19/05/2020 08:11

Sorry, he won't change at 50. Even though you don't consider his age an issue, it sounds like he considers your age as part of the reason he can treat you like shit. I'd run like the wind and let him clean his own frigging house to his exacting standards, the stupid prick.

Rightbutno · 19/05/2020 08:34

Just read your op and update. So pleased to hear this. He's not going to change. Well done and stay strong.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 19/05/2020 08:40

Bloody hell OP. Why on earth would you waste the best years of your life saddled to a middle-aged prick like that?

Get rid. Chalk up the marriage as the impulsive mistake it clearly was and move on with your life.

Get your career off the ground. Travel, see the world. Date, without commitment, men of your own age. Ride your horse. Enjoy your life and your youth! Please, please don't waste it like this, on some arsehole who makes you feel like you're not good enough. You are good enough for you and that's all that matters.

zscaler · 19/05/2020 08:44

He sounds weird, creepy and controlling and like he’s trying to limit your options even further by minimising your earning potential and trapping you into reliance on him.

It is not remotely normal to be called selfish and irresponsible because you can’t meet his high standards of housework. It’s not normal to be pressured into giving up work so you can keep house for him.

He sounds manipulative, controlling and scary.

bibliomania · 19/05/2020 08:47

Glad to hear your update, OP, well done!

ilikepurple · 19/05/2020 08:47

He sounds very controlling and someone who won't make you happy. He's got impossible expectations. Go back to your studies and your career and dump him. The longer you stay with him the more it will cost you emotionally and financially.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 19/05/2020 08:49

Should have RTFT! Well done OP!